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It’s no mystery: children who say “It’s your fault” to their parents when confronted with a task they haven’t completed are trying to avoid taking responsibility for something.
Here’s the important thing to remember: don’t talk “fault”—talk “responsibility.” Often kids will try to lay blame when a responsibility has not been met. So respond with, “It’s not my fault, it’s your responsibility.” The reason why finding fault is not effective is because looking at the past will not solve your problems. But reminding your child whose responsibility it is keeps the issue right here in the present. And that’s where you want it to be, because the present is where problem-solving starts.
You: Why isn’t your homework done?
Your child: “It’s your fault I didn’t get my homework done because we went to the movies.”
Translation: “I’m not going to take responsibility for not getting my homework done—I’m going to make it your fault.”
Ineffective: “You’re right, I’ll write you a note, don’t worry about it.”
Effective: “Wait a minute. It’s your responsibilit…
Does Your Child Say This? “It’s Your Fault!”by James Lehman, MSW |
It’s no mystery: children who say “It’s your fault” to their parents when confronted with a task they haven’t completed are trying to avoid taking responsibility for something.
Here’s the important thing to remember: don’t talk “fault”—talk “responsibility.” Often kids will try to lay blame when a responsibility has not been met. So respond with, “It’s not my fault, it’s your responsibility.” The reason why finding fault is not effective is because looking at the past will not solve your problems. But reminding your child whose responsibility it is keeps the issue right here in the present. And that’s where you want it to be, because the present is where problem-solving starts.
You: Why isn’t your homework done?
Your child: “It’s your fault I didn’t get my homework done because we went to the movies.”
Translation: “I’m not going to take responsibility for not getting my homework done—I’m going to make it your fault.”
Ineffective: “You’re right, I’ll write you a note, don’t worry about it.”
Effective: “Wait a minute. It’s your responsibility to tell me that you had homework to get done. Next time, tell me what you have to do before we go to the movies.”
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James Lehman, MSW was a renowned child behavioral therapist who worked with struggling teens and children for three decades. He created the Total Transformation Program to help people parent more effectively. James' foremost goal was to help kids and to "empower parents." |
READER'S COMMENTS
I could not agree more. Often as parents we use our children's behavior in being irresponsible for our own excuses of not being responsible. Example: Last year I was trying to work full time, and drive my high-school daughter back and fourth to school twice a day. It interfered with having to leave my job at 2:00 in the afternoon, when my time did not end until 5:00. I only worked 8 months out of the year, and felt there was nothing else I could do. I loved my job in advertising, and was so hurt over the situation that I created for myself, but did not realize it at the time. I could have put her on the bus, but instead I gave into her, and took the fall for it. I have repeated this in so many situations in life, and as parents we have a responsibility to ourselves first. Sacrificing who we are, or what we need to do will not teach your child to be responsibile adults.
Comment By : rebekah455
Short and sweet article with exactly what I needed. A quick tip that makes so much sense. Thank you!
Comment By : Debbie
I totally agree. I have two step children that have no accountability and responsibility. Their mom does everything for them including packing their bags for their overstays at our home. They are 16 and 15. They feel they are mistreated because they have chores at our home which include, making their bed, keeping their room picked up, unloading the dishwasher and taking out the trash. I also have a 15 year old son who does these things automatically. He's been completing these chores for a very long time. Now, I know there are other issues here but I'm just trying to show that not everyone raises their kids with the same standards. Then those same parents who have done everything for their children wonder why their kids can't keep a job or have no interest in obtaining a driver's license. I have never rearranged my work schedule to accomodate my child's school schedule. My child has worked around my schedule because a child does not make the rules in my house I as the parent do and the child follows the rules. My husband's ex-wife thinks I am a tyrant because of how I raise my son. However, people like having my child around because he is helpful, friendly and gracious. My step-children are none of the above. They are withdrawn and loaners. My husband has actually spoken with his ex-wife about their children receiving counselling and she is totally against it. She thinks they are normal teenagers. Thanks for listening. I love the newsletter is is extremely helpful and insightful. I look forward to reading it.
Comment By : Love my responsible teenager
Hi Jim, Seeing both the ineffective and effective way to handle things is quite effective. Keeping things in the present is great advice.
Comment By : Jean Tracy, MSS
My son says this all the time--everything is our fault. Now I know what to say the next time it happens. Thanks!
Comment By : Manny
| * | Responses to questions posted on EmpoweringParents.com are not intended to replace qualified medical or mental health assessments. We cannot diagnose disorders or offer recommendations on which treatment plan is best for your family. Please seek the support of local resources as needed. If you need immediate assistance, or if you and your family are in crisis, please contact a qualified mental health provider in your area, or contact your statewide crisis hotline. |
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