| One-Minute Transformations |
Take 60 Seconds
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Take 60 Seconds. Listen, unless it’s a health or safety issue—and those are two very important exceptions—if your kid is starting to deteriorate, or if your kid isn’t doing what you’re asking him to do, if your kid won’t follow through on some task and isn’t following instructions, take 60 seconds before you respond. That’ll help take some of the emotion out of it.
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Use Task-Oriented Consequences
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There’s two parts to this technique: The first is, I want you to take some time to write up a list of the things your child enjoys doing, the things he likes doing, the things he finds rewarding or things that you can do that you know he’ll find rewarding. Or that you think he might find rewarding. Then draw up a list of the things that he doesn’t like to do and the things that are not rewarding but that are types of consequences.
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Let the Child Do It
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You know, there’s a thing called learned helplessness. It happens to people a lot who have spent a lot of years in institutions, and what happens is they learn that if they don’t do it, somebody else is going to do it for them. If they don’t clean their rooms, some attendee will come in and clean it. If they don’t clean up after themselves, somebody will come and wash them, somebody’s going to put away their clothes, somebody’s going to fold their clothes.
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Tell Them to Do it Once
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The next time things are calm around your house and everything's going well, sit down and say to your child, “Listen, I’ve been having a problem lately with the fact that I have to keep coming after you to get things done, and I have to keep following up with you. It's almost becomes my responsibility to get this stuff done. So, from now on, I’m only going to tell you to do it once.
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Establish a Complaint Time
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This is always great. Here’s the deal. You have kids who complain a lot, they may tattle on their brothers and sisters. They may complain about things that you’re not doing right. They complain about house rules, they complain about school. You know, part of their acting out is this kind of constant annoying level of complaints.
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Don’t Personalize Things
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Don’t personalize things. Inappropriate behavior is not a personal attack upon you, even if it comes in that form. Understand that if a kid is calling you names or if he’s not doing his work or if he’s hitting his siblings or if he’s threatening to run away from home or he’s not doing his tasks, whatever it is that he’s not doing, don’t take it personally.
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Feedback: “This Behavior Doesn’t Solve Your Problem.”
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I think it’s very important when kids are doing some behavior, you know, not one certainly that’s assaultive or violent, but just some inappropriate, resistant, antagonistic behavior—Maybe defiant to authority; maybe not following through on things, resisting following through on tasks, those kinds of behaviors—I think it’s important for you to be able to state to that kid, give that kid feedback, “This behavior’s not solving your problem. You know, if your problem is you want to go outside and play, this behavior’s not solving it. It’s just putting it off and putting it off.” Or, “If your problem is you want to go play some video games or you want to go online, refusing to do your homework or working really slowly is not solving that problem.”
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Keep Your Child’s Eyes on the Prize
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Keep your child′s eyes on the prize. If your child is doing some task and the completion of the task leads to some reward or some goodie or some pleasant thing they want to do, help with their motivation by reinforcing that.
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Eliminate the WHY
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Eliminate the word WHY from your vocabulary. When a kid hears why, several things happen. The first thing is that what he hears you saying is that he’s done something wrong and he’s going to start to get defensive. We rarely ask why did you do that right. “Why did you do your homework? Why did you mow the lawn?” So kids understand from a very early age that a sentence that starts with WHY is going to lead to difficulties.
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Accept Bad Moods and
Bad Days
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Just like everyone else, children have bad moods and bad days. I think if you accept that about your child, you’re going to cut down on fights. It’s important to say, “You know, it looks like you’re having a hard time today. Why don’t we start over?”
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Self-Disclosure to the Child
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Tell your children what isn't working in regards to their behavior--and why--with the Self-Disclosure to the Child technique.
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Take Away the Audience
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If your child is acting out and friends or siblings are present, go to another room with him. Script it beforehand that if he refuses to go to another room, his friends will be sent home.
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Script It for the Next Time
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During periods of stability, discuss different behavioral interventions you’re going to utilize the next time you’re involved with a specific inappropriate behavior. Do this casually and low key. The idea is to give the child a script to follow during the next conflict. So that way, the child is expecting it. You’re affecting their perceptions about who’s in control, and you’re affecting their expectations.
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Halt Over-stimulation
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Distractions such as music, TV or video games inhibit effective communication. Never deal with behavior issues while these or other distractions are taking place. The whole idea of a timeout is to cut down on stimulation.
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Use Strategic Recognition and Affection
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Remind the child of how well they handled a similar situation, or link a recent success to the current conflict. I’ll give you an example of that. If my boss comes to me and says, “James, you’ve been doing a good job…BUT,” I know that he’s going to talk about something bad. But if my boss says to me, “James, you’ve been doing a good job…AND,” I start listening louder.
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Actions ARE Louder than Words
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Ever feel like your child tunes out every word you say? You may be surprised to know that he pays keen attention to your actions. James Lehman explains what to do when you want to change a childs behavior quickly.
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Want to change a behavior problem quickly?
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Want to change a behavior problem quickly?Focus on the behavior, not the feelings. James Lehman explains the difference between actions and attitudes in kids, and how to be specific with your child to help him change inappropriate behavior faster.
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No Speeches
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In this month's One Minute Transformation, the creator of The Total Transformation, James Lehman, explains how to communicate your expectations effectively without giving a speech. He provides specific tips and simple techniques you can use. Listen to this one-minute audio segment by clicking the button below.
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Assume Control
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I want you to project an image of self-confidence without being hostile. Give directions instead of making requests. Establish and maintain your parental rights to the same decent treatment that you give your kids. The kind of information that I want you to give your kids when you’re assuming control is simple direction. For instance, if your kid is supposed to be in his room doing his homework and he’s down in the basement, the question to ask him is, “Where are you supposed to be?” And if he says, “In my room,” the response is, “Go there.” Not, “Why aren’t you there already? Why are you out of your room?” Just “Where are you supposed to be? Go there.” Or, “What are you supposed to be doing right now? Do it.” Very simple statements that give an air that you’re in control. You don’t justify yourself, you don’t explain yourself, you don’t ask your kid for explanations—because I’ll be honest with you, we ask kids “why” and then when they tell us, we say, “It sounds like an excuse.” We don’t ask kids for excuses. If we don’t ask them for excuses, there’s a good chance we won’t get excuses.
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