Teflon Kids: Why Children Avoid Responsibility—and How to Hold Them Accountable

Responsibility slides off kids like water slides off a duck’s back. It almost seems the way that nature meant it to be. Think of kids as being coated with Teflon, and nothing sticks—that’s how they relate to responsibility. In some ways, it’s no mystery: kids are born with no responsibilities, and everything they do is by instinct.

Ask James: “Will My Kid Be Messed Up Forever?”

In my office I’ve dealt with many, many parents through the years who were really discouraged about their kids’ behavior. They felt hopeless and wondered if things were ever going to change. And the feelings they had were understandable: when you have a child who acts out in very aggressive and destructive ways, who is verbally abusive or physically destructive of property, or who even assaults siblings and parents, you feel powerless. And if you try to seek help from your child’s school, therapists, and counselors, but still nothing changes, it’s easy to get really discouraged and start feeling hopeless. But I think in many cases parents and kids can turn their lives around, and I’m saying that out of my own experiences with families and kids.

Emotional Blackmail: Is Your Child’s Behavior Holding You Hostage?

I’ve worked with many parents over the years who routinely gave in when their children acted out. One mother I met, I’ll call her Linda*, had a twelve-year-old son who often used emotional blackmail and threats of misbehavior to get his way. Linda dreaded taking him to the mall, because she knew she’d end up buying him anything he asked for in an effort to keep him from calling her names, stomping and yelling at her, and making a scene that left her feeling humiliated and powerless. In effect, her son’s behavior was holding her hostage.

Am I Spoiling My Young Child?

The word "spoiled" is a loaded term, one that has many levels of meaning for us as parents. You may envision a nagging in-law telling you your children are "spoiled," you may remember a kindly grandparent "spoiling" you as a young child, or an unruly, "spoiled" kid you see in the grocery store who throws a fit to get what he wants. In this article, I am defining “spoiled” as any situation in which a child is in control and a parent is not.

Is Your Child Depressed? 6 Ways to Help Them Cope
Kids and Depression Part II

In Part II of James Lehman, MSW’s series on episodic childhood depression, he’ll discuss concrete ways you can teach your child coping skills. If your child seems distressed, despondent or sad for a prolonged period of time, have them seen by someone with diagnostic skills. Be sure to have a pediatrician rule out any underlying issues that might be causing depression.

When Your Child’s World Collapses: Kids & Depression Part I

Part one of a two part series by James Lehman, MSW, on kids and episodic depression.

Note from James: In our culture, sadness and depression have become almost interchangeable terms. In this article, we’re going to use the term “episodic depression” when referring to a level of sadness that children experience that interferes with their functioning.

Chronically Late Kids: Let Them Pay the Price

“My 14-year-old son is late for everything. It’s always, “In a minute,” or “I’m almost ready.” He’s not a bad kid, but he just doesn’t seem to understand that there are people waiting for him. The last straw was when he made us miss the beginning of our daughter’s high school play recently, even though he had hours to get ready. What can we do to make him get with the program?”

Does Your Child Say This?
“It’s Your Fault!”

It’s no mystery: children who say “It’s your fault” to their parents when confronted with a task they haven’t completed are trying to avoid taking responsibility for something.

“Go to Bed NOW!”
Winning the Bedtime Battle with Young Kids and Teens

As every parent knows, fights over bedtime can be one of the biggest power struggles you’ll have with your child, whether they’re five or fifteen. The truth is, many kids just don’t want to go to bed at night. For most of them, I think it’s because they’re afraid they’re going to miss something. With others, it might be because they’re frightened of the dark, or afraid to go to sleep. And for some kids, they simply want to be in control. Bedtime just becomes another arena in which kids will try to fight with you.If you’ve ruled out fear of the dark, fear of bedwetting, and fear of not waking up, that leaves us with oppositional behavioral issues—the power struggle.

“How Dare You Lie to Me!“ How to Deal with a Lying Teen

“My 17 year old son lies all the time,” a mother said to me recently. “He lies about his schoolwork, what he ate for lunch and whether or not he’s brushed his teeth. He also exaggerates to make his stories more dramatic or to make himself sound bigger. It’s come to the point where I don’t take anything he says at face value. He’s not a bad kid, but I just don’t understand why he lies so often, especially when telling the truth would be easier. What should I do?”

Texting: The New Way for Kids to Be Rude

“My 14 year old daughter is a texting addict! She will even sit and text when our family is at a restaurant. It drives me nuts. If I tell her to stop, she just does it under the table. It’s like this little secret that we can’t be in on, plus it’s just plain rude. It’s as if half of her is here with us, but her brain is somewhere off with her friends. The thing that really annoys me is that she doesn’t take part in family activities any more—it’s like she has to have a special invitation to participate. What should we do?”

Siblings at War in Your Home
(Declare a Ceasefire Now)

Sibling rivalry is normal in families with more than one child. It becomes a problem when one child bullies or dominates the other. It's also a more complex issue than it first appears. On the surface, you have two kids who are “at war”—who bicker constantly and don’t get along. There can be many reasons for this, but at the core of this rivalry is a common theme that runs through it all: the sense that one sibling is the victim of the other and somehow “less than.” And that child often believes that he gets less love from his parents than his acting out brother or sister does.

Moody Kids: How to Respond to Pouting,
Whining and Sulking

Pouting, sulking and whining are three of the most annoying ways that kids communicate their displeasure with a situation. This behavior is not just limited to young children, either—teens do it because they haven’t always learned the skills to express their frustration in an appropriate way.  Simply put, it works for them.

End the Nightly Homework Struggle
5 Homework Strategies that Work for Kids

Are you trapped in a nightly homework struggle with your child? The list of excuses can seem endless: “I don’t have any homework today.” “My teacher never looks at my homework anyway.” “That assignment was optional.” “I did it at school.” If only your child could be that creative with their actual homework, getting good grades would be no problem!

“Answer Me When I’m Talking to You!”
What to Do When Your Child Ignores You

If your child deliberately ignores you, pretends not to hear your requests, and refuses to greet you or others, read on to see how you can deal with their behavior without losing your cool.