Is Inappropriate Behavior a Moral Issue? (The Answer Might Surprise You)
Posted By: Tina Wakefield
Category: Acting-out Behavior
Comments: 10
Is inappropriate behavior a moral issue or a performance issue?
James Lehman says that you should “View inappropriate behavior as a performance issue not as a moral issue.” I think that some parents may have a difficult time accepting this suggestion, because they may think that James’ program doesn’t stand behind instilling values. In actuality, James Lehman thinks parents need to be very firm in their limits. Issues that center around lying, stealing, drugs, and abuse are core issues that parents can take a black-and-white stance on. So for instance, if you have a child who has come home intoxicated or been at a party, it’s not, “Well I suppose all his friends are doing it and it will lose it’s appeal sooner or later,” but more “Drinking won’t be tolerated and the rule is no parties where there is alcohol.”
When we talk to parents on the Support Line and discuss the concept of not viewing the behavior as a moral issue, we’re definitely not debating whether or not the behavior is appropriate. A parent who is viewing the behavior as a moral issue may think to themselves, “My child doesn’t care about anybody else, they like being hurtful,” or “I can’t believe my child would do this, only bad kids do this kind of stuff, we’re a nice family with clear values.” As you can imagine, thinking these sorts of things lead to the parent feeling angry, sad, and confused. The more you go down that road, that part of you that believes that your child has a character defect becomes stronger and stronger. Unintentionally, your tone and facial expressions denote all those feelings whirling around inside you. As a result, you may shun your child and avoid them for long periods of time, become explosive — or both. It may gradually get to the point where you’re being disrespectful of your child. Ultimately, communication shuts down and that leaves no room to discuss the problem or what your child could be doing differently.
Having standards are so important. They send your child the message that they’re capable of becoming more responsible. So, as hard as it may be when you’re faced with a child whose behavior is destructive, don’t counteract the positive effect of having clear rules and values by labeling your child as a “bad kid”. For your child, the behavior issue will then become a personal thing. They will start thinking that if the authority figures around them believe that they’re bad, then they must be. Kids don’t have the maturity to keep working on their behavior if the adults around them don’t have esteem in them. Kids oftentimes have a hard enough time identifying what the problem is, so developmentally they won’t say “I believe in myself and this is what I need to do to feel better.” Remember that treating behavior as a moral issue sets the family up for a nasty gridlock that will prove to be a major block to solving the problem. Instead, behavior is about performance and what the child needs to do to meet the demands of the family he’s part of.
Has an issue come up in your family that shocked or surprised you and that lead to a focus on your child’s departure from family values?
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October 20th, 2009 at 8:54 am
Why is it that issues such lying, stealing, substance abuse, etc., are focused upon and there is no mention of prematurely engaging in sex for sport, which is potentially just as damaging (or more so) and is certainly a “moral” issue.
October 20th, 2009 at 9:20 am
I think that what Ms Wakefield is describing is precisely how one deals with moral issues. Moral issues are black and white. Moral issues are ones that require taking responsibility. Morality is a way of acting more than a belief system.
Every person faces moral and ethical challenges daily, meeting these challenges is what builds character. Making mistakes builds stronger character. If we start early in instilling moral values - just as described in the article - we have a better chance of dealing with them when we grow up.
What I ‘feared’ growing up was disappointing my mother. Not her wrath, or being hit or grounded - she didn’t use ‘punishments’ - my mother explained to me that the behavior was inappropriate for ME. That was enough for me to get it.
I don’t see the conflict between the two approaches at all.
October 20th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
So very true!! Helpful in making the distinction between the two, even if only in our own minds. It comes across non-verbally.
October 20th, 2009 at 2:37 pm
Oh no!,I think that’s exactly what I’ve been doing. I explained it to myself as being an effort to understand why my 12 yo boy does the things he does. What I’ve done is decide he’s defected and is behaving appropriately to his ‘defect’. He’s angry, confrontational, and selfish. (”just like his father”, or “just like Uncle …”) .You’re right, even though I would not say those things out loud, he will pick it up. OK, time to chage my point of view, I can do that. Thank you for bringing that to my attention.
October 20th, 2009 at 10:51 pm
Great blog post! I need to hear this over and over … “focus on the behavior — not the child.” One of my biggest pet peeves is hearing parents say, “What is WRONG with you!?!” to a child. My skin crawls and my hair stands on end every time I hear it. EVERY time. It implies that there is a moral defect in the child, when in reality, I think that the focus should be on the BEHAVIOR … not assuming that the child has some internal, inherent defect of character that causes a certain behavior. (Did that make sense??)
Anyway, thank you for reminding me of this perspective. My fiance says, “What is wrong with you??” to my kids sometimes, and I want to strangle him. I guess it’s perhaps because I grew up with a facial birth defect (i.e., something WAS inherently “wrong” with me — or so I felt) that I’m particularly sensitive to this so-called rhetorical and absurd “question”. Kids don’t have anything inherently WRONG with THEM, although they may have unacceptable BEHAVIOR (Lord knows, I did my fair share acting out as a kid — blush). So I think that it’s important to distinguish between a moral vs. a behavioral issue. Thank you for the reminder!
October 22nd, 2009 at 7:57 am
Catherine,
I think it’s important that even though you’ve thought about these things, you haven’t mentioned them out loud. I’m glad that you’ve recognized that characterizing your son in comparison to other family members can pigeon hole his behavior and doesn’t open up any room for discussing the issues. You even have the awareness that ‘labeling’ him in that way is an attempt to understand why he’s making poor choices and it’s so normal to do that. Kids make mistakes and they take risks for the sake of doing what they want sometimes. They need support and guidance to pick out what is to be learned from their experiences.
October 23rd, 2009 at 10:51 am
I disagree that morality is a behavior set and not a belief system. I know that morality IS a belief system and that we act out of our true beliefs. We can and do ’say’ things that don’t match our beliefs, but, as they have said for many years - the proof is in the pudding (behavior/choices).
I also agree that I too need to separate the behavior from the child. Hmmmm…humbled again.
October 24th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
momtomany,catherine and humblemom have all made valid points. everyone has actually. some of the behavior i’ve observed from my girlfriend towards her kids is actually apalling to me but i have my place. plus,it’s a learned behavior with a fair percentage of her family members. i happen to believe in genetic character dispositions but the crux of humblemom’s comment concerning belief systems is so tell-tale. my girlfriend lives with her mom n brother and while only the mother goes to church, no one would define her as a christian mother(and for far too numerous reasons). thusly,too many mixed signals are sent in the house further complicating my girlfriend’s parenting efforts. i grew up in the church and it shows in my family so i’m trying to let what i know and my family knows rub off on her and the children. we all went to church as a family for the first time recently so i’m hoping things only get better from there on.
November 19th, 2009 at 9:03 am
Well I have spent two days with her trying to determine why she feels that speaking inappropriately about herself sets her up for future “labels” with boys, especially in high school. I continue to tell her I love her, I’m her mom and my job is protect and guide her. There is nothing else I can say to her about the situation. I have compromised with her that she can use her cell from 4 pm - 10 pm but the conversations have to be appropriate and I will be checking the internet soon (I’m sure she’s deleted all inappropriate content at this point). She will not go to get any help at all. So I will have to post around the house sayings of love and try to build her self esteem up that way. At least she is not sexually active (that’s important) I took her to “the silver ring thing” a few years back. a Teen abstinence program. That was helpful. Anyone have any ideas I do apprciate them.
November 19th, 2009 at 9:04 am
Sorry that line shoud have read why speaking inappropriately about herself makes her feel good about herself..