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From the day we took my son home from the hospital, I knew it was going to be a wild ride. He cried all night long and didn’t stop for six months. He was adopted and we knew little about his birth parents’ medical history and none of their family’s history. After six months, my son was a happy but very impulsive, hyper little boy. If a thought crossed his mind he was carrying it out no matter how often we said “NO!” He was always very good at approaching new people and making friends. Staying friends was more of a problem. His lack of impulse control did not allow him to realize how much he was irritating and sometimes hurting others. Play turned into someone’s feelings getting hurt because he would not stop when they asked him to stop when the play turned too rough for them. Little did I know at that time that I was set to micromanage his life from there on out.
Because of this pattern with making and losing friends and not having a lot of success in school, his self-esteem diminished. We rapidly rolled down the hill from there. Putting any effort into any task became a problem and homework became an even bigger battle. He started throwing an answer in the blank just to say his homework was done. He doesn’t care if it is done accurately, he doesn’t care if the answer doesn’t make any sense — he just truly doesn’t care. He is currently on his third round of correcting homework. The problem is, he doesn’t change the answer; he just erases the “x” that’s indicating a wrong answer. If someone sits with him through every step of homework, it’s done correctly. If someone just sits nearby and asks him to complete homework, it’s just done without any accuracy.
Now my son is 15, and I still micromanage his day. From personal hygiene to putting his PE clothes in his book sack. Everything that you ask him to do is “later” — and later never comes. Every night it’s a fight to get him to bring the dog inside, every night we argue that “yes” the dog does need food every day. Every task is a means to negotiate and/or argue. Nothing is ever just simply done without raking it over the coals first. One night after an exhausting argument I asked him to take a bath and he asked why. With no strength left I simply stated “because every night you take a bath at 8:00.” He accepted that and now we no longer argue or negotiate bath time. I’m told routine is the best thing for him, but he is the one who keeps me struggling to remain in a routine. I am not ADD/ADHD but I can’t seem to find a consistent routine to keep us both in line.
Through perseverance, striving for consistency, and Karate lessons for self-control, I am starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel. He is starting to care about the outcome of something. Although, I no sooner give accolades for some form of improvement and the light at the end of the tunnel goes out. Every day is a battle, and I’m still trying to find my balance, but things are improving. It’s exhausting, but it’s a battle worth fighting.
Empowering Parents welcomes Angie Schexnaider to our Parent Blogger team! Read the complete bios of all our contributors and parent bloggers here.
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November 24th, 2009 at 8:26 am
It is so nice to read this as I have a 15 year old that is exactly the same. He as well has been diagnosed with ADHD from the age of 5. I constantly micromanage everything he does. We battle with bathing, grooming, homework, chores, But I have seen some improvement with setting consistant expectations and consequenses. Plus I felt that because I was micromanaging he really had developed some major learned helplessness behavior. I know as his mom I did this because when his life was in control, I was then in control. I was less likely to get a surprize phone call from teacher or behavior problems at school. But, I could not help to see that my behavior was keeping him back from learning how to be responsible for his actions and responsibilities. Do not get me wrong, I have to still micromanage to get him to do things like bathing and homework etc.. I know that he is not going to just start doing it with my gudelines, but I think he knows the expectations of what he needs to do and what happens when he does not. It is a tough job though and you are so right, when you think there is a light at the tunnel, then another bump arrives. I have just came to the conclusion that this is going to happen and some nights, I stay firm and weather the battle and hoe for a better day tomorrow.
November 24th, 2009 at 9:55 am
This is an exact description of my 11 year old. The bathing and grooming, homework and relationships are all daily battles. He can make friends with anyone but can not maintain a friendship. I have to stand in the bathroom to watch him brush his teeth and bathe or it is not done. Doing homework with him is torture.
But when he is in the mood, homework is done perfectly and quickly. Household chores are completed to perfection. When the energy is directed in a positive direction he can accomplish anything.
My point is never quit and never give up. I see small improvements every year. Setbacks are frequent but my wife and I address them immediately. Find what works and stick to it.
March 1st, 2010 at 3:33 pm
I adopted a child just like your son at age 13 – he is now 17 and medicated for ADD. Because of the years in foster care followed by years of therapy (& micromanagement on our parenting part) we have now created the consummate liar. He will look you in the face & tell you whatever you need to hear to leave him alone & then sequester it off in his brain & never deal with it again. He is not a bad kid – he doesn’t do any thing – bad or good. Recently through a series of lies he brought in a deputy and child protective services to our home – only to be told by them that he now has more restriction than before. We are counting down the months until he turns 18 & we can stop focusing on the chaos & tension he brings to us because he will then be his own worst problem out in the real world – how sad is this.