Mom Investigating an Incident: Why Won’t My ADHD Son’s School Give Me Details of His Inappropriate Behavior?
Posted By: Kim Stricker
Category: ADHD/ADD, Acting-out Behavior, School
Comments: 9
I got a call from my son’s teacher last week. Apparently, he used an inappropriate word and perhaps a hand gesture to accompany it to another child. That child’s parent had called the principal. The principal asked my son Builder’s teacher to handle it. She did. Builder denied it ever happened.
I know better.
I am sure it is true. The teacher asked my husband and me to speak to him about the incident and remind him of the appropriate ways to handle his anger. Oh, if it were only that simple. That might work for some children, but not this one. The eldest child of the family, he can tell you all the rules and expectations. He can police his little brother for the slightest of infractions. He is the first one to call us out for the rare verbal slip-up.
However, when it has to do with him and his world, Builder will simply make up stories or continue to deny the behavior. I can’t obtain the truth from him. I can’t even get his side of the story. He has Asperger’s and ADHD. It is not like dealing with the average nine-year-old bear. Nope, not so much, is there a sense of the right way to behave or speak in a group setting. Therefore, we get socially awkward plus impulsive from him. It is a lethal combination during unstructured school time.
After I hung up with the teacher, so many thoughts ran through my head. What did Builder do and say? To whom? When and where? Who is the parent that called? Do I know them? Is their child OK? As the parent of the offender, I would like the chance to have Builder offer an apology or to counsel him on how to handle the situation. I count on the school to help me help my child. It makes a difference as to what we say and do with Builder depending on the circumstances of the incident.
So, I called the school to get more details. None were available. Really? I realize it is a fourth through eighth grade building and there are quite a few “incidents” at this age. But too many to keep straight?
I think there should be a record kept of this type of behavior. Technically, it is bullying. I know other school districts have very detailed forms specifically to record discipline events. As an elementary and middle schoolteacher, I think those forms are a wonderful way to track children who need extra help navigating the social nuances and personalities found in all schools.
At my next meeting with the school, I am going to ask if there are any more incidents, I would like “the who, what, when, where, and how”. It determines the how, when, where, and who I talk to about my child.
Empowering Parents welcomes Kim Stricker to the EP Parent Blogger team. To read more about Kim and all our contributing bloggers, please click here.
9 Responses
If you find any comments that are rude or inappropriate, please contact us immediately.
Leave a Comment
The Empowering Parents Blog values your opinions and encourages you to add your comments to this discussion. Wherever possible, we will post comments exactly as they come in. We reserve the right to edit comments for clarity, exclude questionable matters, and delete off-topic comments. We ask that you refrain from discussing topics of a political or religious nature. EP is a website that focuses on issues of child behavior and parenting. We ask that you do not promote one religious or political view over another. Unfortunately, it's not possible for us to respond to every question posted on our blog. Empowering Parents encourages its readers to participate by weighing in with suggestions and advice.
November 6th, 2009 at 8:17 pm
How can you be expected to have a talk with your son about the incident (as the school requests) when they DO NOT GIVE YOU THE DETAILS about the incident?
IMHO, if this happened to my child and we were given NO DETAILS about the incident, then there would be NO TALKING to our child about the incident. I’d move on. Life is just to short.
They have to come half way in order for things to work their way so you can work half way to them and help them and your child. Otherwise, it’s a waste of time, adds undue stress to the parents and child.
November 10th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
I completely understand! Talking with your child, then having them make appropriate amends is important. As adults, if we make a mistake (car accident or what have you) we are required to make amends. It is much better if we make the situation right before a judge requires us to. This should be taught to children at a young age.
The other issue I have (more for the younger K-3 ages) is teachers dealing with pattern behavior in the classroom, but not telling parents until it has been going on for a long period of time. Example: my 1st grader would not stay sitting at his desk, and would bother other students. Apparently, this had been going on daily for 2 weeks - but no one told me until a more severe behavioral issue occurred. Then it was a mountainous issue. If a parent doesn’t deal with something fairly quickly after the occurrance, the child won’t get much from a discussion as they have forgotten about it altogether.
Great blog. I look forward to reading more from you in the future.
November 10th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
Kim, Welcome to the EP Parent Blogger team, and thank you for this great post. I have to agree with CindyPDX and Luvmy2boys: the school should definitely tell you what happened. My mom, who taught in public schools for 26 years, says that when there is a communication breakdown at school, sometimes it’s a good idea to ask for a conference with the teacher and school social worker. (That way, the atmosphere is cordial and professional, and there is also a witness to the conversation.) Perhaps if you sat down with the two of them and explained again why you want the details in the future — and made it clear that you wanted to work with them to help improve your son’s behavior at school — you would get more traction. Just a thought!
November 10th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
In my case, we were informed on the 2nd or 3rd official day of school of my son’s “energy.” He is in the 1st grade. During the 3rd or 4th week, we started getting either a daily report or a weekly report…then the conference…twice actually…more about not being able to sit still…into everyone’s business…compulsive about the restroom…speaking out of term…nothing horrible, but annoying behavior that needs constant correction as it is a distraction…school is great about keeping us informed, but how do you correct? Is medicine the only answer? We have tried natural medicines/vitamins, rewards, the works,…I am so afraid of giving him medicine and changing his sweet spirit…surely our kids behavior is not new…what did teachers do in the past…help…
By the way, I believe the school probably gave all the information they had…one suggestion I would have, if you know your child is prone to certain behavior, email the teacher and ask for either a daily or weekly update…with all that they are busy trying to teach and cultivate, they may not forget certain things, or they may feel initially they can handle the behavior issues until it becomes too much, hence, it is now time to contact you…should she have contacted you earlier…maybe, but sometimes, timing is relative…she could have honestly thought she could deal with it, then realized after two weeks, this may be more than she can handle on her on…I would cut the teacher some slack…and I like you, I know my child…so, when she accuses him of certain behavior, I know he probably did it, and it wasn’t his first time…my quandry is always how much information should I share with the teacher…I don’t won’t my child labeled…my biggest fear…
November 10th, 2009 at 3:19 pm
After going through many of these incidents as my youngest child progressed through school, I found out that even before he was officially labeled, he had been labeled by his teacher and the school administrators. When they start documenting every little thing that a child does in class, they are building a file. Occassionally my son would have a teacher that wanted to have a relationship with her student’s parents, but in most grades, the teacher was too overwhelmed with the number of students in her class and the amount of information she was supposed to be “teaching” her students. Before you choose to medicate or not medicate your child, check with your state laws. Some states have severe penalties for parents who refuse to medicate their children for behavioral disorders. I ended up caving in to the pressure to medicate my child about 3/4’s of the way through 2nd grade. He was on several different types of medications until they finally tried to give me one for the morning, one for the afternoon and then a pill to make him sleep at night to counteract the stimulants he was receiving during the day. I went back to school to find out information on possible alternatives. The first thing I learned was that I needed to identify my son’s learning style. Turns out he is auditory and kinestetic. He finds it very difficult to absorb information that is written on the board. A child’s self esteem is also paramount in their success in school. Though I’m sure they meant well, a number of teachers made statements to or in front of my son about his “inability” to do the same work as the other kids in his class. He even told an administrator “if you don’t believe I can do it, why should I try?” I then went to natural remedies, after completing my degree in herbalism, and again it was a battle with the school because natural remedies don’t require a prescription from a medical doctor. I had to get approval from the school board. I home schooled him in 6th & 7th grades. He chose to return to public school for 8th & 9th grades - we were back to the same problems as in elementary school. Now he is 16 and attending a quasi-military academy and doing very well. The classes are small and they are willing to adjust the lessons to accomodate his learning style. I hate to hear about other parents who have to go through these same battles as I did. I can’t stress enough that you need to know your rights as a parent in your state. The number of children being “forced” onto medications is frightening. I’ve written 2 books to help parents who are in the same situation I was. The first is called “Recognizing the Greatness in Each Child - Because Learning Differently Doesn’t Mean Learning Disabled” and “Plants vs Pills - Herbal Options for Childhood Diagnosed Mental, Emotional and Behavioral Disorders”. Both are available at amazon.com.
I wish all parents the best - explore all your options and stand up for your child - no one else will.
November 10th, 2009 at 8:14 pm
So nice to hear from a parent of a child with special needs. Looking forward to your future posts! [We adopted our daughter at 5 months and have, after several years (and different diagnoses, including autistic-spectrum) been diagnosed with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.]
My relationship with my daughter’s school has been a fairly good one. (She’s in 4th grade, with an IEP and 50-50 mainstream and resource support.) While it’s true that she has some amazing teachers, I’ll tell you what has worked from my side in trying to support my daughter in the school environment.
1. I definitely try to keep good communication with the school. I volunteer regularly, so everyone knows me - even the cafeteria lady! Also, in the past we’ve used a 3×5 card for each day with a box for every teacher or time period. Then, positive reinforcement at home for 4 out of 5 happy faces that day, etc. This keeps me posted on her behavior, and if anything happens, there is a note on the back explaining what we should talk about at home.
2. You can get more with honey than vinegar. Teachers work hard and are not paid nearly enough! They deserve to be thanked for their efforts - even if it’s just a cookie during testing week!
Whatever you implement has to be realistic for the teacher - maybe they have suggestions. An email home every day may be too hard with 35 kids in their class….
3. I know it’s not popular to medicate your children, but I would at least consider YOUR child’s situation before deciding against it. While medication is not the right answer for many people, I know that MY daughter couldn’t pull her own shirt over her head until she started medication at age 4. Her development accelerated leaps and bounds, once she could focus long enough on a task to actually try it more than once. I didn’t feel it was fair to her to keep letting her fail at everything she tried, when I could do something to help her. Your child may not need medication, but maybe some other readers may want to consider. And I think none of us lives in another’s shoes… parents need to do what they feel is right for their children. So there’s my two-cents worth on that topic!
Anyway, I appreciate Empowering Parents - there’s always something that I can apply to our family and relate to. (Especially now with their new blogger!) ha ha
Thanks!
November 10th, 2009 at 9:13 pm
Thanks to everyone who commented on my “incident”. I am sure it won’t be our last and that is OK. I definitely will bring it up with the team who helps us with Builder. I feel very supported by the student services team at the school. In middle school, the reality is, there are more incidents and concerned adults who will report them. All good, if the right means of communication are in place.
As far as, not being told of behaviors, weeks old. Been there! More than once. To be fair as a teacher, you really do not want to call home at every little thing. I love the question, how much do you share! It’s been on mind lately.
November 11th, 2009 at 9:57 am
For those that do not want to medicate we found for our 11 year old with autism that neuroreorg.com has helped along behavior therapy. It is not a short fix but he is getting more comfortable with his body and therefore acting out less and less.
November 12th, 2009 at 9:24 am
Great blog, Kim! While I am not quite in the same boat as you, I can certainly relate to the frustation of having a 9 year-old child act out in school and not really getting a full understanding of the incident.
Along with your idea of record keeping, I think that there are some excellent suggestions from other parents here. With a school-age child with ADHD and Asperger Syndrome, as well as other children, you sure have a lot on your plate! It is a fantastic education for me. I am gaining new perspective and appreciation for what both a mother and a teacher go through when confronted with this type of situation. So … thank you!
I, too, look forward to reading more from you! =)