Parenting Behaviorally Challenged Kids, Part II: Sibling Rivalry
Posted By: Melody
Category: ADHD/ADD
Comments: 3
I ended my last blog post for EP by saying that our daughter was given the diagnosis of ADHD and began Ritalin in first grade, which seemed to be a miracle…
Can you blame us for being relieved when she began having fantastic days in school and we had nothing but great reports from the teachers, except for the days that she “forgot” to take her medicine? Unfortunately, there were incredible mood and energy swings when the medicine wore off and she would “crash” with such force that she was certainly not fun to be around. As a result, most evenings she would be isolated in her room crying, screaming, or sulking, while the rest of us were left in shock in the wake of the storm. I was frequently embarrassed to take her places at that time because she was predictably unpredictable. Her behavior would impact everyone, especially her brother, as he has been particularly sensitive to her interactions with him from the beginning.
From the time my son was born I have been mindful of the daily struggle needed to ensure his physical and emotional safety in her presence. My daughter was nineteen months at the time and despite my best preparatory efforts with her she was understandably very jealous about this new little one taking Mommy’s attention. Knowing my daughter needed to continue; I tandem nursed them both until she was two in the hopes that a nurturing and loving bond could be created between them from the very beginning. It was a wonderful experience for everyone. There were days when nursing them together was the only time she was able to look lovingly at her brother and not seem to be feeling resentment.
In hindsight, maybe I was becoming a micromanaging parent even then, but her tenacity and determination at the tender age of two necessitated my own vigilance. In addition, my “mama bear” instinct to protect my infant combined with my knowledge of early childhood elicited a continuous commentary toward my daughter around nearly everything she was doing, saying, trying, or even refusing. Of course, I thought I was trying to encourage, support, guide, correct and instill in my daughter the means to be kind, compassionate, courageous, and articulate, but there are now too many days when I feel like I’ve enabled a manipulative, headstrong, and mouthy bully. Yikes!
When my daughter started preschool she didn’t want me to leave her and was even more resentful of her brother because he would have all my attention while she was there. As her communication skills became more efficient she developed a verbal stream of consciousness that was predominately targeted at her brother under the pure guise of “teaching”. As in, “I’m your big sister and I can tell you / show you how.” (This was a frequent phrase in our house.) It was very cute and it was encouraged then as a means for them to bond. It has been extremely difficult however, for both of them, to break the habitual pattern of big sister will help or do for little brother in order to transition to the capable, articulate, and extremely bright little brother can and will do, think, say and feel for himself while the big sister lets him. Unfortunately, I believe a cycle of learned helplessness was created in those early years for my son.
James Lehman has a great article in EP entitled, “The Lost Children: When Behavior Problems Traumatize Siblings” which I would recommend if any of you are facing something more than sibling rivalry. I have found it extremely challenging to determine how much of my kids’ interactions are typical developmental family growing pains and how much might be something more.
Are any of you out there facing the same thing? Where do you draw the line?
Melody a mom, teacher and parent blogger for EP. Read the complete bios of all our contributors and parent bloggers here.
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December 1st, 2009 at 11:27 am
I have two children both have adhd. My girl is the oldest and my boy is the bady. She’s now 12 and he’s 6. I have had so much trouble dealing with her jealous issues that I wish it’s would hurry up and be over. I love them both the same. She has so many other issues such as mood swings on top of her adhd. I sometimes wonder when all this drama will finally be over.
December 1st, 2009 at 3:54 pm
I have a very challenging 14 year old boy and a sweet even tempered 10 year old girl. My son’s behavior is rude, obnoxious and abusive at times to his sister since birth. He is extremely jealous of her and it has really affected her. She often cries about how she wishes she had a “real” brother who was loving and protective. Sometimes I think I have spent so much energy on him that she has been neglected and its painful. She has now become angry and resentful toward me because I cant control him. I hope this program can help all of us!
December 6th, 2009 at 1:11 am
Wendy, I can sooooo relate to what you are going through. Although my daughter is only in 3rd grade and my son in 2nd their interactions are certainly enough to bring on the grey. I have often wished time could just go by more quickly or I could nod & blink (picture Jeannie) and be ten years down the road with no more problems. Fat chance right?! I know in ten years the problems will just be “different”. I hope that in that time however, I can give them both a greater measure of coping skills to deal with thier frustrations and difficulties in life and NOT take it out on the ones they love the most.
Therein lies the rub, you mentioned your daughter’s mood swings; my daughter has them too. I understand the primitive prefrontal cortex of the brain is one of the last parts of the brain to develop, yet it has a tremendous capability to effect a child’s developing personality, emotional regulation, problem solving abilities, and planning processes. Our children with ADHD seem to be doubly effected as they struggle to develop these important life coping skills. I wish I had the answers!
I read this week that chronic or intense stress can lead to brain damage of the prefrontal cortex. Hmmmm, so the constant stress of living with a controlling, dominating, and often abusive sibling can now be proven scientifically to cause more than just trauma….? And so my son is struggling. Yes, I feel intensely guilty for the amount of energy my daughter sucks away from my son and the rest of the family. I continue to strive to find a way to ballance the attention and energy given to all of them, but it’s a daily struggle; sometimes moment to moment.