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My child’s behavior issues started at age two. Out in public, he would appear to strangers to be a spoiled, indulged kid. Strangers would glare at my ineffective parenting. I kept quiet and secretly thought about printing up business cards to explain our situation.
When preschool started, he did not have any labels or a diagnosis yet. However, he did have some negative behaviors in the classroom. I shared his issues and my concerns. His teachers were very understanding and had the luxury of getting an aide to help in the classroom. By anticipating problematic situations, many negative situations were avoided. None of the other parents knew why our class had an aide.
By first grade, Builder did have labels assigned to him and an IEP. As both a teacher and parent, I want the school to understand my child. I also want the services accompanying the IEP. The extra interventions have helped him succeed.  With the push in and pull out model of special education, no one knows why a child is getting extra help.
I have told our close friends and family about Builder’s daily challenges and why. I have shared articles and strategies with their children to help facilitate successful interactions between the kids. I have not told many other school families.
Builder has not wanted us to share information with his classmates. Like most children, he just wants to fit in. He does not want to be singled out. However, the inappropriate social behaviors accepted in second and third grades are not easily accepted in fourth and fifth.
Would he benefit from the other children understanding how and why he behaves? I think so. Do I want to single him out for being on the spectrum or ADHD? I think not. Some parents have shared their stories beautifully and written helpful books. I would love to share his story, but I am certain Builder does not. So who and when do you tell about your child’s issues? Does it just depend on the personality of your child? Does it depend on the severity of the behaviors?
Perhaps the better question is, “How?” I have a friend who tells the families her son is playing with some helpful hints. For example, a hand on his shoulder will calm him down, or using direct eye contact. My favorite strategy? I always make sure Builder is well fed before going anywhere.
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Helping our children understand themselves is essential. Making sure they have strategies to use at school or on playdates will help them. I think telling them about the strengths of their label is also important — along with providing examples of successful adults with the same labels.
How do you tell people about your child’s differences? Has this worked for your family?
Kim Stricker is a mom to two boys, an elementary teacher, a freelance writer and a Parent Blogger for EP. She also writes a blog about the daily experiences of raising a child with Asperger’s and ADHD.
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January 26th, 2010 at 2:18 pm
By ALL MEANS tell your child’s sport coach. We have spent hours sometimes trying to figure out how to coach a child and knowing he was ADHD or Asbergers would have saved us a lot of time and would have made the child’s experience in the sport more enjoyable and beneficial.
January 27th, 2010 at 4:01 pm
As a parent of a chld with a physical disabiity, our “cat is always out of the bag”, as they say. I have not had the luxury of hiding our differences(no, I am not being sarcastic, just wondering out loud). That being said we always have to put everything out in the open. My daughter uses a wheelchair and as such she is always asked by children and sometimes less subtley by adults. It is not rude when children stare, I teach my children and it is not rude to ask, becuase we are all curious, this is my first exxperience with using a wheelchair and yet I always watch other users to observe how they do things. Perhaps I too would be considered a “stare-er” and yet somehow I feel justified that I am observing in the hopes of learning. And yet isn’t that what we are all doing? I understand (I think)the fear of your child’s concern over a stigma and yet I don’t. When I am around children I often disclose the “elephant in the room” (not just the one about my child) up front and they seem to move on and get over it so much more quickly…is it possible,, and I have this conversation more often than not, but is it possible that it is our fear about stigmas and in fact not their’s or did we pass that on. In the end, I believe that empowering children with the opportunity for the ability to understand gains significantly more awareness and compassion than hiding it ever did. Just my thoughts.
January 27th, 2010 at 10:24 pm
These two comments are so important! I do always tell my son’s teachers and coaches. Many children on the spectrum cannot process physical movements when facing the instructor (karate, LaCrosse, band, etc.) They learn better when they can stand behind the instructor and copy the movements exactly.
Just the other day, I talked with a friend about children who “wear” their disability versus children whose disability is “hidden”. My friend’s child has “a little bit of Down’s Syndrome.” (Her daughter’s words) Truly, I do not even like using the word “disability”. Let’s just say “differentability”. I think as parents our message should always be out there…especially to other parents. Those parents are the ones teaching their children how to handle meeting children with differences…no matter what they are. I guess I need to be more comfortable talking to children.
January 27th, 2010 at 11:22 pm
Kim,
I am a 24 year old adult male with severe ADD diagnosed. I am also just finishing up receiving my JD/MBA and run a professional business. I had a hard time in school growing up but with a lot of planning I was able to manage and cope with my issues. I almost repeated the 5th grade and the 8th grade. I guess that didn’t go into much detail about how, but wanted to give you reassurance that just because he has issues now does not mean he wont be successful later!
February 5th, 2010 at 11:57 pm
I agree with Scott, I have a friend who has a son with Down’s Syndrome and he is 35 now and one of the most articulate and sweetest people you would ever want to meet in your life. Success isn’t just measured in dollar signs
February 24th, 2010 at 12:25 am
To me, telling others about the “White Elephant” in the room is more like facing the question, “How do you eat an elephant?”
“One bite at a time.”
I have to take each situation, each relationship, and each person into account when there are problems. There are small things like the reference to a calming touch on the shoulder or making eye contact that can be conveyed, and there are larger relationship saving things that necessitate helping the adult or the child to become more aware of the very real challenges (biochemical processes) at play in hopes they may be more empathetic.
How to tell others is always a source of anxiety. For close friends and family, I have found a children’s book or two written from the perspective of the child to be quite helpful. For short term relationships talking over the problem and working through solutions like with any childhood learning opportunity seems to be effective.