Dear PSL: I’ve been trying to be more consistent with consequences for my 13-year-old son. The problem is, he won’t give up his iPod when he breaks the rules. When I tell him to give it to me, he just says “make me.” To be honest, a few times I have grabbed him to get it , but that just makes him more angry. Sometimes he even shoves me, so I just drop it and walk away. But then he “wins” – he gets to break the rules and keep his iPod. By the way, the iPod is the only thing he likes, so it’s the only thing I am able to take away when he misbehaves. It seems like we are always fighting over either the rules or the consequences. Also, giving a consequence for every bad behavior is just making everything worse. What do I do?

–Stumped Dad

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One of my main goals as a mom — and in my opinion, one of the most important qualities you can have as a parent — is to be more flexible and adaptable. Now, when I say “flexible” I don’t mean that you should throw rules, limits, or structure out the window. What I mean is that we all need to be open to trying new ideas and techniques when the old ones aren’t working anymore.

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When it comes to teaching your child skills, remember to keep their eyes on the prize.  This means  reminding your child of what they enjoy doing and what privileges they’ll earn once their responsibilities have been met.  Another part of this technique is looking for ways your child is improving or making an effort and commenting on that.  When you can specifically state, “I saw you do this,”  or “I heard you talking to your sister nicely…good job,” it shows you’re paying attention.

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If you listen to the news or read the paper, you know that more and more kids are living at home for longer periods of time.  We often get calls on the Parental Support Line from parents of adult children who want to know how they can set guidelines down with their older kids, and when they should ask them to leave.

If you’re the parent of an adult child who is living at home you are probably trying to figure out what your role is and what rules your child needs to adhere to while living in your home — because after all, your kid is grown up now and that changes things. You may be wondering when or if you should ask them to leave.

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I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard parents say that their children respond to consequences by yelling “I DON’T CARE!”  Nothing seems to bother these kids, or so it seems — not even losing their cell phone, T.V. time, or having an earlier bedtime.

My goal in this blog post is to prove to all of you parents, once and for all, that your child’s attitude doesn’t have to interfere with your ability to help them change their behavior. Believe me, even though they may be shouting “I don’t care” there are still ways to parent effectively.

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A comment on my blog last week on “How to Have a (Happier) Blended Family” caught my attention because it deals with a typical complaint: being stuck in the middle.

In her comment, Laura asks, “We are going on an extended family camping trip together next week. I don’t want to be in the middle of this battle [between my boyfriend and my 13 year old] and want them to work it out: what suggestions can I give each of them & myself throughout that week?”

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If you’re constantly beating yourself up as a parent, it’s likely that you’re feeling powerless to change your child’s behavior — and ill-equipped for the job.  But trust me, it’s normal to feel uneasy or uncomfortable with some of the choices you make as a parent.  At some point, it’s important to move past those feelings of inadequacy and guilt and look for information and tools that will give you the sense that you’re taking charge and addressing the problem.  Let’s face it, sometimes it’s just easier to blame ourselves, someone else, or something else as opposed to looking for solutions and then working to put them into play.

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Let’s face it, we’re not perfect and sometimes that catastrophic consequence (”You’re grounded for the rest of high school!!!”) is just thrown out there in the heat of the moment.  It’s good to remember that you always have the authority to approach your child and say, “I’ve really given this some thought and I don’t feel like the current consequence is going to help you learn how to do better with X, so I’m going to handle it this way instead.”

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