“You’re not my dad!” my older son shouted at my fiancé the other day.  Hooo-boy.  Here we go again with the “blended family” stuff.  And once again, I am feeling more like I’m in a blender than a blended family.

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Don’t grocery shop on an empty stomach and don’t try to parent when you’re having a fight with your spouse.  Let me explain what I mean here. Your children have an innate, God-given total selfishness, a “me-first” drive, that would keep them alive if their plane crashed on a desert island. (I saw that on Lost, so I think maybe it could happen.)  It’s good, and it’s natural, and you need to account for it in your parenting.

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My husband Jerry and I sat down eagerly to listen to the first lesson in the audio portion of the Total Transformation program. We had already completed the introduction and couldn’t wait to hear the good news: How to stop our son Thomas’ obnoxious, abusive and disrespectful behavior!

Thomas is our 11 year old son (from my previous marriage) and he happens to have special needs which include Asperger’s, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, Bipolar Disorder and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. Quite the mouthful and handful!

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I began using the Total Transformation Program by James Lehman the minute it landed in my mailbox. I even opened it up in the car before driving home so that I could inspect the contents. I could not wait to begin! I perused and panned through everything. I scanned the upcoming lessons and wanted to jump through more than one lesson a night (despite the warning not to in the introduction).

My husband, upon seeing the program folder in my hand and the smile upon my face, grimaced and said “Oh, it’s here, huh?”

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Two recent articles on Empowering Parents sharply caught my attention.  James Lehman’s recent article, “Differences in Parenting?  How Your Child May Be Using it Against You”, and EP Editor Elisabeth Wilkins’ blog, “Is Yelling the New Spanking?” both hit home.  I’m ashamed, but I must admit:  My fiancé and I occasionally roar at each other in full view of the children.

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A comment on my blog last week on “How to Have a (Happier) Blended Family” caught my attention because it deals with a typical complaint: being stuck in the middle.

In her comment, Laura asks, “We are going on an extended family camping trip together next week. I don’t want to be in the middle of this battle [between my boyfriend and my 13 year old] and want them to work it out: what suggestions can I give each of them & myself throughout that week?”

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Adjusting to a step parenting role was a process that required a lot of growth on my part.  I’ve come by the answers to what works — and what doesn’t! — the hard way.

One thing I learned early on was that it didn’t work to be in charge of disciplining or correcting my stepson.  I thought it was best for my husband to carry out consequences and discuss problems.  Even though my stepson is usually receptive to my directions, I don’t want to assume a position where I’m the primary authority figure.

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