EmpoweringParents.com

Last week, I blogged about some things homeschoolers can do to manage their kids’ behavior. This week, I want to talk a little more about consequences, and how to use structure — and a reward system — to keep your kids on track.

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I’ve had a lot of experience as a parent. In fact, you could say I’ve seen it all. I’ve been in a marriage where I had to be both mom and dad, I’ve been a single parent, a stay at home parent,  a stepparent,  a co-parent in a terrific marriage, and finally a parent who is learning how to step out of that role since my kids are 23, 25 and 26.

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I don’t lose my temper too often, but one thing that drives me through the roof is when my son dawdles. It seems that the more behind schedule I am, the more he goes into super-slow-mo, taking the opportunity to start finger painting, perhaps wander down to the basement to visit his sled, or go sit in his hide-out in the backyard. I’m not sure why Alex does this, but it seems to me that the faster I try to hurry — and the more frantic I am — the more he takes his time.

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Despite my best intentions to simplify the summer calendar, my daughter asks me, “When are we going to get to sleep in late?” My parent blog for EP at the end of the school year proclaimed that I was going to do things differently this year and let my kids run and be kids and have fun this summer. I promised to have a relaxing summer, a calm time free from schedules and full of green grass and outdoor time.

I have some confessions…er, I mean comments, on how it is really going. Let me set the scene for you:

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I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard parents say that their children respond to consequences by yelling “I DON’T CARE!”  Nothing seems to bother these kids, or so it seems — not even losing their cell phone, T.V. time, or having an earlier bedtime.

My goal in this blog post is to prove to all of you parents, once and for all, that your child’s attitude doesn’t have to interfere with your ability to help them change their behavior. Believe me, even though they may be shouting “I don’t care” there are still ways to parent effectively.

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Ever get stuck trying to give the right consequences to your young child or toddler? Know that whether they’re 18 months or five years old, you should always try to do the following three things when giving consequences:

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I have often mused that if there was a recovery group for control freaks, I would be its fearless leader. “Hi, I’m Kathy, and I’m a control freak.”

National, International or Galactic, I could lead them all.  Because I was in charge of the world — or at least the small cosmos of my family — micro-managing down to the most minute detail.

Until that bubble burst and I realized I could control nothing other than myself, my own decisions and my own reactions. That day a new world opened up for me, although I readily admit that every so often I slip through a trap door to that former place.

It was our son’s substance abuse and the realization that I couldn’t fix it or “make him stop” that did it. I realized I could only control my own reactions– which I have learned is most effective when the approach of getting out of the way and allowing natural consequences to take place is also followed.

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Full disclosure: I was a rebellious teenager. I broke curfew frequently, yelled at my poor mom, and was generally surly and rude. (And oh, how I wish I could take it all back! I’ve apologized to my mom many times, but I would seriously love a time machine so I could go back and do my teen years all over again!) I was so sure, back then, that I was in control and knew what I was doing.

Boy, was I wrong.

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