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A comment on my blog last week on “How to Have a (Happier) Blended Family” caught my attention because it deals with a typical complaint: being stuck in the middle.
In her comment, Laura asks, “We are going on an extended family camping trip together next week. I don’t want to be in the middle of this battle [between my boyfriend and my 13 year old] and want them to work it out: what suggestions can I give each of them & myself throughout that week?”
The important thing to keep in mind, regardless of what you’re working on as a family, is to focus on the behavior and not the attitude, as James Lehman recommends. It’s not plausible to make someone feel a certain way about something or someone else. Making demands on a child’s emotional experience is a losing battle.
I think another important thing to remember is that children don’t have a sophisticated way of expressing their own discomfort about a situation. In many areas, kids are powerless and don’t get to decide a lot of what their life looks like, including a new member of the family in the form of a step-parent. Who mom or dad chooses to be with is exactly one of those things that kids don’t have any control over. Keep in mind that we’re not expecting the child to admire, approve of, or appreciate the step-parent, but to follow the rules of how others in the home are to be treated — even if they’re disliked.
Laura and anybody else in this situation would want to focus on teaching their child problem-solving skills. In Laura’s case, she can communicate to her daughter that it’s an expectation that they do things together as a family and that’s not negotiable. I would also suggest that Laura challenge her daughter on what she can do to help get through the camping trip.
As a parent “caught in the middle” I think it’s important to be firm that you want compliance on this issue, but open to helping your child figure out what can happen to make getting along or being pleasant easier.  Let your child know it’s not okay to be rude or abusive because they don’t like someone. There should be consequences if they overstep the line. Ask them what can they can do differently in the situation, and how can they express their frustration or annoyance in appropriate ways.
Not only is it necessary and healthy for the adults to be able to share their worries, concerns, fears, and challenges with one another, it’s also important for the children concerned to be able to do that with their biological parent as well. Still, your child should be held accountable for talking appropriately to all family members and spending time with the family, regardless of their feelings.
The adjustment period for a fledgling family will require work on everyone’s behalf and it will be a process of learning and growth. Know that getting along and co-existing as a blended family can get easier with the right tools. Taking a positive stance that everyone is doing the best they can in managing their feelings, perceptions, and thoughts can carry you a long way on this bumpy journey.
Tina Wakefield is a Parental Support Line Advisor for the Total Transformation Program. If you are a Total Transformation customer, you can access the Parental Support Line for help with challenges you’re experiencing with your child.
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July 7th, 2009 at 9:44 am
How do you deal with your spouse when he wants your child to move out? My oldest daughter is 16, and has acted out in near constant defiance and deception for the last few monthss. She’s never fully accepted my husband; and she has said outright that she’ll never accept his authority over her. We even tried making the discipline come from me, but she absolutely refuses to follow the rules and is emboldened to do so by her biological father.
I am always in the middle, even though we’ve made it clear to my daughter that we are done with her behavior. She texts on my cell phone when I’m not around, then lies to our face about it. She ‘borrows’ her sister’s things and doesn’t ask;getting indignant if she’s told no, and is starting to influence my youngest son to the same type of behavior.
I want it to stop, but everytime we put our foot down, she refuses to comply or to even consider doing what we’ve told her to do. Help!
July 8th, 2009 at 5:47 pm
I wanted to comment on the mom going on an extended family camping trip with her boyfriend. In today’s society, marriage is not treated with respect. Having a significant other living with the family when the couple is not married is very confusing to the children involved, especially children with behavior problems. The children will get the idea that it is ok to be with someone fully without the commitment of marriage. I don’t know if the boyfriend involved is living in or not. Children pick up a lot more from parents and other adults than we think they do, and these attitudes and values they carry with them into adulthood. So, setting a good example for children is so important. We can’t expect our children to behave appropriately without taking a good look at the behaviors we are teaching them.
July 14th, 2009 at 8:26 pm
as per the difficulties of a blended family: is it wrong to have the children on separate weekends? My son lives with us full time and visits his dad every other weekend. He and my husband’s daughter don’t get along at all. She visits on alternating weekends. She is a troubled kid who lies, is disrespectful, agitating to others, and does poorly in school. I don’t like her influence in the home around my son, and he can’t stand being around her.He has asked to not be home on the weekends she visits, because he feels tormented by her bossy agrivating behavior. He often hides in his room to get away from her. Having them on alternating weekends has worked out well for both kids emotionally, but my husband thinks we should make them be together regardless.