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For my children, hearing, listening, following directions, and (oh, let me just say it) compliance with others is like pulling teeth. (*Cringe*.) There are many days when I feel like I’ve failed as a parent, and my kids are still so young. When you throw in their ADHD (and mine) into the mix, it makes for some pretty difficult days.
I know the first five years of life are the most formative, as it’s the primary time when children are imprinted with the basics of morality and respect for others — which is why I feel entirely responsible for their apparent lack in these areas, and when they display the exact opposite so often.
I feel like I have failed them. Intellectually I know that’s not true, but there are so many struggles and frequent issues with behavior wherever they go.
School, tutoring, scouts, church, and peer relationships are all impacted by what seems to be strong difficulty for my kids to regulate their emotions. I try not to take it personally, but sometimes it feels like I must not have taught them the basics of getting along with others — or what is appropriate and what’s not.
The frustrating part is that I spend so much time on those very things every day. There are times when I think, “How will they ever learn?” It feels like I experience the emotional explosions of toddlers rearing their ugly heads in my home daily, yet my kids are 7 1/2 and 9 years old! Yes, I do have a 2-year-old and I make it clear that her behavior is not OK either. I try to model how to deal with frustrations, walking them through various situations when they are calm. I’ve even tried to have the older ones teach the toddler what works for them (sometimes it works) but only if they are in a calm and kind place themselves.
When my oldest kids were just 3 and 4 years old, some relatives said they were “brats” and they were never disciplined. Meanwhile, I felt like all I was doing all day long was disciplining them! It was painful to be judged that way.
Over the years, I have used behavior modification charts, job/chore charts, and daily routine charts tied to rewards and consequences—all of which seem to be a futile attempt at control. In the end, these charts became more of a source of frustration and the reason for power struggles than training for my kids. (I think this is because it was difficult for my kids to realize or acknowledge that the marks on the chart were why they were getting consequences or rewards. They seemed to not be able to make the connection.) The charts took a lot of work and time to maintain, yet didn’t seem to help at all, so I stopped using them. Of course consistency is imperative and my own ADHD resulted in not catching, recording and following through with everything, which didn’t help. Now that my attention issues are being treated and my kids are older, making them a bit more receptive to abstract representations of cause and effect, I might need to try again.
I continue to feel mortified when an adult comes to me and expresses concern about the defiance or difficult behavior displayed by my child/children. My kids experience consequences at home and are praised when they do well, but it just never seems to be enough.
I do have to say that their over-abundance of energy seems to have been moderated by their ADHD meds, yet they continue to have problems regulating their emotions, following directions, and problem solving.
My older kids have both been evaluated by professionals. Due to their mood instability, they are now on a mood stabilizer. This seems to have tempered their intensity and has helped immensely with the difficulty they were having sleeping, but there is still so much work to do! I feel guilty that they are on the mood stabilizer as they are so young, but I am willing to do whatever is needed to help them be healthy and become caring and disciplined people. If this is what they need at this point in their lives to help them come to a place where they can be receptive to learning appropriate coping skills, then OK.
But medication alone is not the answer—I know that I also have to work on their behavior at home. I just hope what I’m doing will eventually sink in!
Does anyone have advice for good techniques to use with kids with ADHD?
Melody is a certified teacher, now a stay-at-home mom of three and daycare provider – plus a Parent Blogger for EP. Her days are filled with activity that require a tremendous measure of energy, stamina, and courage!
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February 23rd, 2010 at 7:05 am
Hi Melody. I feel your pain. I am the mother of three boys, two with AD/HD also. It’s true, they just don’t seem to respond the same way typical kids do to consequences. I’ve found the core frustration for parents is figuring out what they CAN’T do vs. what they WON’T do. I have something for you to try though. Finally, one thing that worked for me, at least in terms of getting them to help out around the house, was a token system. (I got the idea out of one of the many AD/HD books I read.) First, I will tell you that it takes time to implement and hone with your specific kids and needs, but don’t give up. First, you need to choose a different type of token for each kid (or else they steal each others.) I used black and red chips from a Connect Four game, and white marbles for the third one. They have cans in which the tokens can be kept after they earn them. Mine earn a token for unloading the dishwasher, walking the dog (2), taking out the trash, recycling, feeding the dog or rabbits, reading for 15 minutes, helping me with a task, vacuuming, etc. They can redeem tokens for a treat from the treat basket (which I keep locked up), 30 minutes on a video game (using a timer), or anything else they want. (Mine are a little older now so they mostly use it for video game time.) They use to use it more for treat basket when they were younger. Anyway, my husband thought I was a genius when this started working…they were actually sometimes battling over who would get to take out the trash! Remember, you have to give it time (they’ll get used to it), and hone it to fit your family. It’s been a lifesaver for me. (OH yeah, I also give tokens for RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS for which they weren’t expecting a token.) Good luck.
February 23rd, 2010 at 7:59 am
Hi Melody,
Thank you for your courage to express your daily life of a mother of child and adult with ADHD. I can totally relate to your article. I have the same feelings you have regarding raising a child with ADHD and ODD and I have ADD. I feel like a failure as a mother, and wife. The one thing I have learned is every day is a different day with a new set of challenges. What works today might not tomorrow. We have to try to keep one step ahead. That is is the challenging part for me.
February 23rd, 2010 at 8:10 am
I’d love to hear more! I have ADD, and my oldest daughter for sure has ADHD, and now I am thinking my youngest daughter has ADD, too.
My oldest (7.5) has always been a handful, emotions all over the place, “more” everything, sensory processing issues, extremely intelligent, a hoarder, lots of anxiety, inability to cope, etc. She also seems unable to recognize when she’s repeating something obsessively to the point of being obnoxious, asking for pancakes 20 times for example while I’m making them!! (Which activates my ADD irritability)
My younger daughter (4.5) is quiet, sweet, easy to be with. But I see that she freaks out and has no coping skills when she’s interrupted in doing something repetitive and calming when she’s tired; or when something is too loud for her (her sister!) and so on. I know 4 to be a weepy age, so I’m riding it out, but I wonder if she isn’t affected too.
To make it worse, I homeschool. In many ways, I feel it’s best for my oldest. But it’s also not helping her in any real way, merely shielding her. I am unable to maintain structure, behavior charts, plans of action. I often change up a daily loose schedule I made just an hour ago.
All of that to say, I feel your pain!
None of us are medicated, unless you count my wellbutrin (which does have the benefit of helping ADD somewhat) and copious amounts of coffee.
February 23rd, 2010 at 8:23 am
Melody,
I also have a son who was diagnosed ADHD, and that in itself was frustrating for me as mother and social worker. I understand the feelings you are having and I can’t tell you what to do, but I will tell you what I did. My son is not on medications; though he takes vitamin supplements, his diet has been changed where he eats all natural foods without additives and preservatives, no gluten, no sugars. He also goes to therapy and he gets biofeedback. All of this has helped significantly. He is also involved in martial arts, scouts, sports and church; which he loves. He is still challenged, but we are at a better place than when we started. As a single mother I was blessed that one of my church brothers provides my son with additional support and he has brought in other males from the church to be models to my son. I realize our job is not easy ,but I keep putting God first and always seeking support systems for my son as well as myself. You are doing a great job Melody, keep it up. I hope this is helpful to you.
D
February 23rd, 2010 at 9:31 am
Melody, I feel your pain everyday. I’ve been married for 3 1/2 years, my daughter has ADHD (she’s 10), we are blending our families, my husband who has ADD had 2 children, a daughter 10 and a son who is 7 who has all the signs of ADHD, but has yet to be diagnosed because his mother doesn’t believe in medicating a child and the things she has tried just aren’t working. He struggles in school and his behavior is awful. My daughter is medicated (although not every day) and struggles only in math. Her behavior at school is great, but has a mouth when it comes to me, her dad, her stepdad and her stepbrother (those who care about her the most). We have troubles in our marriage because no matter what I do, it’s not enough, we are headed to counseling to see if we can make it work and my goal is to get my daughter and then his kids involved to work on it as a family. My daughter see her counselor at school and has opened up to her and has helped somewhat, but I am at a loss as to what else to do. I too feel like a failure. I wish I could go back to when she was really little and start over, knowing what I know now, I would handle things differently. It shouldn’t have to be this hard. If someone knows the answers, I’d love to hear it.
February 23rd, 2010 at 9:47 am
I hear you! I too am a teacher, I taught special education for years and then became a stay at home mom. We have two bio daughters who are 19 and 23 who were the easiest children to raise. We are a foster family and have adopted two of our foster children, now age 18 month (girl) and 4.5 (boy) with adhd. Having raised two successful children and taught special ed I thought that I was equipped to parent any child. I was one of those parents who would look at a misbehaving child in the store and think “those parents don’t know what they are doing! Just give that child to me and I will teach them how to behave, after all just look at my two “angels”. Little did I know that 15 years later I would be humbled beyond belief. Every day is a challenge with our 4.5. We have tried EVERY stimulant medicine available and each one turns him into a monster! Not just during the crashes but the entire time he is on the med. Now he is on Intuniv ER (blood pressure med that was just approved by the FDA to treat adhd). It takes the edge off his impulsiveness but adults literally flinch around this little guy not knowing what is coming next. Most of the inappropriate behavior stems from his impulsiveness not calculated misbehavior but non the less it is exhausting! We still hold him accountable for all his behavior and right now behavior mod. charts are working somewhat. He also will go toe to toe with any adult who tells him what to do and often throws huge fits when he does not get his way. The fits we totally ignore (at the advice of our psych.) and if it happens in public we immediately leave and take him home and take away privileges. We have read so many books and watched parenting videos thinking each one will be the magic bullet. The best things my husband and I have figured out is to keep our voices calm but firm, give him instructions/reprimands once and turn around and walk away. If he does not follow thru we calmly walk over to his chart and cross a privilege off his chart without saying a word. If he throws a fit or challenges us we simply cross something else off and walk away from the tantrum. Our psych. says the goal is to make the tantrums as ineffective and boring as possible. We change the chart in the afternoon and start over because of his age. We used to change it three x day but explained to him that the older he gets the more we expect of him so now we only change it twice/day. The chart has pictures of his “privileges” computer, legos, tv, snack, pool, floor time with me, etc. We start new each day, and try to do our best in that day. It makes it more manageable in my mind if I take it day by day. The really hard part of it is it limits what we can go do as a family and who we can visit with. A lot of people do not understand our son. Family outings to restaurants is a big thing with my husbands family. They think we should just tell our 4.5 to” sit and eat or else”……it doesn’t work that way! OK so I have rambled long enough! I hope that something that I have said helps in some way! Let’s hang in there! Julie
February 23rd, 2010 at 9:52 am
I found your article very encouraging! I am not the only one!!! Parenting my one son is the equivalent of 3 children. We have been to see several behavior specialist, been in social skills classes, and he has struggled academically.
I will tell you what worked for my son when he was younger–he is now 9 and diagnosed ADHD when he was 7. He is also an only child. I had continual behavioral problems with him every time we went to preschool, daycare, school, church, McDonald’s, someone’s house. I dreaded having to pick him up and get “the look” or “I have to tell you something.” Our home life was very controlled and structured–but whenever he was around other children there were always problems. And he lacked respect for most adults–so he never did what he was told. We talked to him over and over about what was expected, but without us in his presence to anchor him and guide him, his behavior would fell apart. It became extremely difficult as he grew older and we knew we couldn’t always be there.
One day I decided to leave a pad of paper at his summer daycare and a pencil on the table. I met with him and his teachers and told them anytime he does something in need of punishment my son was to put a mark on the paper. When I would arrive to pick him up he was to take the top sheet and bring it to me, and he had to answer to me and his father for any marks on the sheet. He soon realized that we had ways of finding out how he was behaving when we weren’t around. His good behavior resulted in immediate reward of his choice. But wrong choices resulted in loss of privileges and no reward. It helped him to learn a level of self control when we weren’t around.
We also found that it was important to choose one behavior problem to address at a time. If it was respect, then we took every opportunity to teach him that–what to say to others and how to say it, how to shake an adults hand and say hello, what to say when someone tells you do something. We did encourage him when he did well and when we saw that he made progress we would move on to something else. If there was something important he needed to learn we had to be prepared to stand firm and enforce it for 6 months to a year–as long as it took for him to understand.
Overall we have had positive results with him–behavior wise he is a great kid with self control and a stable sense of right and wrong.
God gives us our children for a reason–no one can love them and fight for them as well as we can. And there are some days when the parenting goes out the window and you just love them the best you can!
February 23rd, 2010 at 11:42 am
Karen, the part of your response when you say you dreaded picking your son up from daycare, preschool etc. because of what you might hear…that is my life too! We also have found that at home with my husband and I his behavior is more manageable. But when you add others into the mix or we are not present, watch out. For the others reading this, we also discipline our son at home for any negative behaviors that are reported to us from preschool, church school etc. using the same system Karen mentioned in her above post.
We can do this! One day at a time!
February 23rd, 2010 at 12:46 pm
Hi Melody, I love that you opened your heart to what most parents with ADHD go through. We were very close to medicating my son – he actually was medicated for 3 weeks, it was the trial part whwere you find which medication works..I was in the waiting room reading about neorofeedback and we switched to that method. Reason: medication works up and until it wears off. neorofeedback trains the weak parts of the ADHD brain so weather the child is 7 or 17, his brain is getting trained for impulsivity, compulsions and inner calmness. I get to see the sweet boy that was burried under all the crazy acts of nuttiness. I too hated to hear teachers comments (worst from parents)…ignore the parents who judge you. They aren’t going through what you are and it’s always easy to judge what you don’t understand. I recommend the same reward system that involves helping out in the house and acts of kindness…they get it and it goes a long way…good luck…you’re earning your stripes!
February 23rd, 2010 at 2:05 pm
Thank you so much for being honest. I find it so hard sometimes when I consider my children’s emotional problems, compared to other children.I have tried what you have tried as well, the charts etc. I worry about the judgements from others and how that would affect my child’s interactions with her peers. After reading what you shared and the other comments from the moms I know that I am on the right track and that patience will be my mantra. Thanks again and good luck.
February 23rd, 2010 at 3:48 pm
Thank you, thank you all for your encouragement, support and contributions; please keep them comming
Also…
I have to say how grateful I am to EP for giving me the opportunity to communicate with other wonderful parents who are also in the trenches fighting for our children (and ourselves) in this way. Thank You!
I do have to LOL at many of the post above as I can personally identify with each and every one of you! My grandmother use to sing, “One Day At A Time, Sweet Jesus” whenever things got hard and to this day that is what I hear in my head almost daily:) Julie, I can especially see through your eyes. My grandma also use to say that God never gives us more than we can handle, well then why the heck does he think I can handle of of this I just couldn’t have been THAT good of a teacher!!! LOL
I do think that I will start the “charts” again as a visual with the purpose of giving the kids a choice in their actions. I hate the burden of “charting” everything though so I think I’ll make it a choices list. I LOVE the token system; it is performance based and individualized (different tokens for each kid too, hee hee). I think I’ll have them give me ideas for using their tokens as well.
Oh just for clarification: I do not have two boys. I have a 9 yr. old girl, a 7 yr. old boy and a 2yr. old girl.
February 23rd, 2010 at 6:50 pm
Dear Melody,
I’m glad to know that you are not alone. I really like the honesty and the sisterhood between all Moms, I’m one of them too. My Kids are older and I never did the test to know if we are Adhd, but there are many common things within our lives. I’m a preschool teacher .Working I could find out how other families are and how do they work in crises and stress. I love how Karen handled her son with independence, confidence and self discipline. I do believe in freedom as the best reward ever! Giving him the judgement upon himself made him choose by himself.
One thing I keep telling my students’ moms and myself is to try doing less effort, because if you lack energy and things are not smooth, the energy goes to the wrong direction. Try to give yourself some peaceful time in presence of your kids. Tell them to join you or watch you or wait for you like if you need to go to the bathroom – calming down yourself will teach them to do the same. I see moms so tired and nerve wracked. I think they learn with us and when you are tired is just the worse way to show how to handle situations and give it as example. As much effort made without results should guide us to a different approach. Tell and ask them always how you feel and that’s what matters to them, and to us. They will change and consider another idea because of the love they feel.
February 24th, 2010 at 1:25 pm
I fully sympathize with you melody and all others who responded to Melody.My daughter just turned twenty has ADD,not on medication.She holds a part time job and is taking college classes.Does very minimal studying and cannot keep her room clean.At her age she thinks her dad and I nag her too much.We are giving her a chance this semester to see if she can pass.She refuses to be helped in school although she clearly needs it. What can be done for someone this old?
February 24th, 2010 at 3:55 pm
Lili, Your advice that we take the time to find calm in front of (or with) our children is a wonderful thing. Thank you for your insight. I am willing to bet we are all too stressed and not necessarily taking good care of ourselves, which in turn is not teaching our children the coping skills they’ll need. I believe parents are our children’s first teachers and how we handle ourselves greatly impacts their development. We certainly do lead by example. *sigh* No wonder we often feel so guilty!
Puzzled, when our children become fledgling adults I guess the best we can do is be there for them when they do fall -to encourage them to try again- and hope that we’ve given them the wings they need. Sometimes it is more than wings that they need though, like a trampoline under them to bounce off of!
Has she been in contact with the college’s support services for individuals with disabilities? Colleges also have to provide accommodations for students with a diagnosis; although not at the extent that public schools do, they can offer her some needed support like extended time or whatever. I would recommend you call the school just to find out what they have to offer, even if your daughter claims she doesn’t want help. You can provide the springboard!
February 24th, 2010 at 5:52 pm
By the way, I LOVE this site for adults with ADD/ADHD:
http://totallyadd.com
February 25th, 2010 at 2:37 pm
Oh, I can so identify with all of it.
After swimming upstream for quite a few years trying to “meet the criteria” for this or that–being a “normal’ student, then being a “normal ADHD” student, then being a “normal home-schooled student’, then being… oh heck! We’re just not your normal “normal”!!! Too exhausting for all!
When I relaxed about it, we started making progress. As a single mom I knew I knew my son best, and, above all, loved him the most. I wasn’t “feeling the love” from the other external sources, so I let that be my main priority…just letting my son know I love him and always will. Also, I have found that just acknowledging him for the “good stuff” he does, for his strengths, for things he’s doing “right” (and often not even aware of) and his natural interests has made a big difference. Just feeling “seen” (as in AVATAR–”I SEE you”) and heard calmed him down. I think everyone just kept hovering over him trying to FIX him and he read it as “everything is wrong with me”.
So the calm time in front of our kids is a great idea, I think. Also, our chiropractor always gives his kids at least three hugs a day, which we started doing. I was surprised to see how receptive my son was to this. He really needed them, not to mention myself.
Does all this solve all of the problems? No. But it gives you a solid foundation to realize what the true problems (and sources) are, and to not forget to live today and to find the enjoyment in your kids where they are now. We all need that, and it’s so easy to forget to make it a priority. I’m guilty of that, so thanks for the reminder.
February 25th, 2010 at 3:37 pm
*sigh* Thank you… I’m all for the 3 hugs a day, living in the moment and acknowledging the good that I see
(Wow I sure sound “crunchy” lol). Sounds like a summer camp I loved as a kid; wait, wasn’t that “All I ever needed to know I learned in kindergarten?” I read that book in college I think & had the poster on my wall in my dorm. The sweet lofty ideals of then fade to the marathon of today. HOW do I find that space in my mind and my heart again? Just Breath…
February 25th, 2010 at 10:45 pm
i am trying to figure out how to make a child of 12 with adhd to do something that he does not understand or want to do without causing a big explosion or confortation.when my son gets frustrated about something he lashes out at me or starts yelling.he has only gotten physical once. took care of situation and has not gotten physical again.i am really confused and feel like a failure.
jenny
February 26th, 2010 at 10:57 am
Jenny, I have a feeling your son and mine are similar. When there is frustration or lack of interest the behavior is like I said, “pulling teeth” (without the novicain I might add). Although I’m not sure who is in more ‘pain’ the parent or the child.
My son will be 8 in the summer and has made slow progress with counceling, more structure & consistancy, and some measure of maturity, but I worry about those teen years. All I can say is that I’m very glad I found Empowering Parents and intend to utilize every resource available therein that I can afford. Talking with others here is powerful. I don’t have a great deal of time to read everything here, but I do my best and I’m learning…
Also, I understand the parent support line here is an excellent resource! Try it and share with us what you learn! Mel ~
February 27th, 2010 at 9:02 am
You’ve certainly hit a bullseye with this topic, Melody! WOWEE I am thoroughly impressed by the quantity and quality of the comments that your article generated (okay, so I’m a tad bit jealous …
hehe) Seriously — you have touched a very sensitive area with many parents and I doff my hat to you!
While my kids are not diagnosed ADHD (nor am I), I feel for you and the other parents here. Mostly just because I feel like an ineffective parent … a “failure”. I often feel like my best isn’t good enough now that my older son (9 1/2 going on 19 — sigh) has begun “sassing back” at me and my fiance. I don’t know where or when he began doing this, but it’s become quite apparent this past year. The bad news is that his little brother (age 6 1/2) is watching (and imitating) his brother’s every move … And I feel totally ineffective at curbing it. Heck, most of the time I feel like my parenting just sucks (a word my younger son seems to have picked up recently, much to my chagrin).
Thank God for these blogs and parent forums, where I can feel free to admit my failures and flailings as a parent and get some valuable advice and even more valuable support.
Thanks for addressing what is obviously more prevalent than I would have imagined before. Touche, girl! And as I heard it said, “keep on keeping on”. You’re doing a MUCH better job at parenting than you think, I’m sure.
February 27th, 2010 at 8:33 pm
Susan, I am humbled and honored by your compliments and comments. I appreciate your support as I value your work here at EP and the writing you do as well. I’ve never considered myself a “writer” but I’ve always kept a journal, usually several at a time, and I try to do the best I can as a parent and as a person. I’m not always perfect or even professional despite all my aspirations, but I strive to have something to offer the conversation for which we can all learn …
My best, Mel~
February 27th, 2010 at 9:56 pm
I am a parent who has raised eight kids and the most important thing is to be consistent and make limits. My kids gave me lots of challenges and I basically raised them alone. You need to teach them that you are serious about rules and that you are there for them. Teach them confidence but teach them how to care about others. I am also a teacher and the respect for others is important. You have to teach them to be respectful of authority,(missing in schools) teach limitations and if they have ADHD (which it seems like everyone thinks they are now adays and it is being mistaken for not being focused)then they need to keep busy with things that they are passionate about-sports, drama, music, fixing cars, etc )and learn to do a good job not just a half done effort. Encourage and be part of homework and give them responsibilities at home no matter how hard it is to get cooperation. Remember, you are still the parent and as much as you are tired after a long day’s work and do not always feel like helping with homework, be there and be active. Jan
March 1st, 2010 at 10:48 am
Melody, I just want to thank you for your courage and honesty in writing this post. If truth be told, I think every parent feels like a failure at times, myself
included. Hang in there — it really is a matter of taking “baby steps” sometimes, I think. Be sure to get a little R&R for yourself from time to time, too. (Even if it’s just a cup of coffee by yourself while your spouse watches the kids.)Sometimes a time-out for Mom makes all the difference.
March 3rd, 2010 at 10:17 am
Elisabeth, I have to laugh as I found myself wanting to “run away” at the end of the day yesterday. I felt like I was loosing my mind (as well as misplacing all kinds of important things like my debit/credit card, my keys, and even where I took off my coat
), but I ended up taking an hour out in the midst of looking for the card to grab a cup of coffee down the street at a local coffee shop and writing for a bit. I have to say that helped immensely! 
Thank you all for your support!
March 3rd, 2010 at 11:41 am
[...] becomes overwhelming enough. Referring to EP Parent Blogger Melody’s latest blog on feeling like a failure as a parent, I admit that I frequently feel that “my best isn’t good enough” and my “blended” family [...]
March 3rd, 2010 at 11:47 am
Mel~ I’ve found running away (for short periods of time, anyway) to be very therapeutic.
LOL. Good for you!
April 6th, 2010 at 7:22 am
Jan
I think you are speaking from your own successful experience and out of my 8 kids I do have some wonderful success stories. I think the aspect you aren’t picking up on is when the mom herself is ADD it is a huge component. I know, for myself, that I am “re-inventing the wheel” every day. There just isn’t the connection to the day past and tomorrow, with ADD life is ALL in the present. When you have two personalities struggling under the same compromise factors it really becomes confusing, not to say difficult. Life makes a lot more sense for the non-ADD people. One of my kids expressed it as “feeling like I come from a different place, like I am watching all the “natives” do what they know how to do and I am always trying to figure out what I was supposed to know”.
April 6th, 2010 at 1:37 pm
Hi “big”, you have a very insightful child to articulate what it is like living with ADD so eloquently! I think the way he or she described it is exactly how I feel. I did not have the benefit of medication while I was young and I felt like an absolute alien. As an adult I can clearly see the difference with and without my medication and wonder if my accademic and social development would have been significantly different if I had been able to have such assistance as a child. I only hope I am doing what is best for my children as they grow and learn with the help of pharmacudicals. I DO feel guilty that they take medication, but if it helps them acquire the necessary skills to learn how to learn – and function better than they would without – then that is what I need to do. Of course I do my best to try to impliment the structure, activity, and support that Jan was advising, but it is NOT so easy!
May 16th, 2010 at 6:23 am
I woke up this morning still feeling drained by the events of the previous day. I share my life with an out of control 13.5 year old child who is ADHD, ODD, OCD, and also has hallucinations both auditory and visual up to 20 times a day. He is on medication which helps minimize some of the the symptoms. We have struggled for years with all the things that you wonderful mothers have endured. I understand being mortified at your childs behavior and getting the “look” from other parents and teachers. We beat ourwselves up on a daily basis and have a bottomless pit of guilt. We pat our children on the back when they do well but we never pat ourselves on the back and give ourselves credit for getting our children to the point where we could give them that praise. We are 10 no 100 times the “parent” than the ones who sit on judgement of us. We never get to sit back and just let childhood unfold. We “actively” parent 110% of the time. Ladies give yourselves a break. We are strong, loving and we are great parents not because we are always successful but because we NEVER stop trying to be BETTER.
May 19th, 2010 at 1:43 pm
Jenny,
I can relate to your frustration with trying to make a child do something they don’t want to and don’t (necessarily) understand the need to. I felt for a long time like my job as a parent was to “get” my daughter to do things and to “stop” her from doing other things. Doing that all day is EXHAUSTING for both of you. Recently I’ve been turned on to another approach…called “Say What you See” from Sandy Blackard.
1. children behave because of the positive relationship they have with their caregiver/parent.
2. The way to build a positive relationship is to really see them…see what needs they have and what needs they are trying to fulfill with their behavior – and articulate that to them….I see you want to pour! (rather than “STOP IT! That Koolaid is RUINING my rug.)
3. Followed as fast as you can with a “Can Do” which fits within your limits of what’s acceptable, here: “HERE! You can pour over here! You can pour this water in the tub, you can pour that into this pitcher,” etc.
4. As Lisa said, then, noticing his strengths and good points goes a long way to re-build the relationship. “You wanted to pour so you found a pitcher.” That’s resourceful.
I think this is similar in a lot of ways to what EP teaches…though I don’t actually have the course yet. Anyway, what can be bad about building back up that relationship? Good luck.