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Ah, the battle cry of the “almost adult”! Parents all around the country cringe when they try to enforce a family rule, only to be met with their 17-and-a-half-year-old’s shout: “Soon, you won’t be able to control me at all!”
Is that true? Are all bets off once your child reaches that golden age of eighteen?
The answer is yes and no. (Mostly no.) It’s true that when your child reaches the age of eighteen, they are legally seen as an adult and are legally responsible for their own behavior instead of their parents. They can’t break laws, of course – being 18 just means you can be tried as an adult, not that you’re free to do anything you please.
What concerns many parents is how much control they can have over their child once they reach 18, and many parents abdicate all authority once their kids are no longer minors. So how can you tell your child what to do when he’s legally an adult? The truth is, no matter how old your child, you have the right to enforce the rules of your house. Your 18-eighteen-year-old has to follow the rules just as much as your 4-year-old does. Of course, as kids get older, they can earn more privileges, and have more responsibility, but the age factor does not give them an excuse to be abusive (verbally or physically) or disrespectful. Your house rules are your house rules. And as James Lehman says, there’s never any excuse for abuse – no matter how old someone is.
In EP’s three part series on adult children, James describes how many parents get sucked into feeling like they owe their child a place to live, or food to eat. In fact, many older children begin to treat their parents’ home as though it were a hotel. Teens have an error in their thinking when they believe that turning 18 suddenly means they can do whatever they want. That “thinking error” shows up in many ways, often around issues of school or good grades. If they don’t want to go to school, they’ll say “I’m almost 18, you can’t make me.” Or, “As soon as I turn 18, I’m going to quit and you can’t stop me.”
Both of those statements are true. You can’t force your child to go to school, and you can’t stop them from quitting once they’re 18. You can, however, enforce a family rule. If you believe your child should finish high school, tell them, “You’re right. I can’t force you to go, and I can’t stop you from quitting. However, the rule in this house is that you graduate from high school, or you get a full time job and pay rent. The choice is up to you.” If they come back at you with “Okay, I’ll move out then,” you may just need to let that comment slide. Teens often challenge your rules by threatening you with leaving, trying to get you to give in to their demands.
A more appropriate response to that kind of comment would be: “That’s not what I want to see happen. However, you do need to find a way to comply with the rules as long as you live here.” Then, walk away. Your child might be so shocked by your reply that they’ll find a way to comply with your rules.
Remember, the rules are the rules — and the rules of your house remain the rules of your house no matter how old your child. This needs to be stated clearly and firmly. Your house rules should reflect your morals and values, and provide a safe environment for everyone in the home. For example, no stealing or lying will be tolerated in your home. Curfews need to be met. Basic hygiene and respect for others’ property is expected. No drugs or alcohol, especially if the child is still under legal drinking age. You may have other rules to add to this list. If your 18 or older child is living in your house, they need to abide by your rules, or face the consequences for breaking those rules. Sit down together and talk about your rules and your expectations.
Once you’ve had this discussion, you can sidestep all those cries of “You can’t make me.” When your child challenges you with “I’m almost 18, you can’t tell me what to do,” the most effective response is: “You’re right. I can’t tell you what to do outside of this house. But while you’re here, you do need to comply with my rules. You don’t have to like them, but you do have to find a way to follow them.” Don’t engage in a power struggle over who’s right or wrong, and don’t argue with their faulty thinking patterns and entitlement. If they break the rules, follow through with the consequence for breaking those rules. Remember, whether your child is 5 years old, or over 18, your home is your home, and your rules are your rules. Once they’re 18, you can’t control all their choices, but you can create a safe, and somewhat peaceful, home environment. Good luck!
Megan Devince LCPC is a Parental Support Line Advisor for the Total Transformation Program. If you are a Total Transformation customer, you can access the Parental Support Line for help with these and other challenges you’re experiencing with your child.
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April 8th, 2009 at 7:24 pm
what do parents say to a 16year old who says it is unconstitutional to drug test a kid at home?
He had a positive test once, we tested another time and it was negative but we want to keep it that way ?
April 9th, 2009 at 7:41 am
Dear Judy:
You might say that you are willing to do anything to keep him safe, that drug use is very dangerous and you are very serious about this. James Lehman says that when you participate in risky behavior, you have lost your right to privacy. There a great web site with more information for parents at http://www.theantidrug.com
Stay strong and keep in touch.
April 14th, 2009 at 7:15 am
What about an 18-year-old (projecting ahead two years for the 16-year-old) who refuses to obey and refuses to leave. How do you have that one evicted — which it looks like we’ll have to do in two years.
And what if the sub-18-year old continues to steal (have to sleep with credit card)?
April 14th, 2009 at 8:43 am
What does a single mom do with a 19-yr-old who refuses to get a job or go back to college (after what I thought was a successful 1st year) and just sits on the couch playing his laptop all day every day? He is up very late and then sleeps in late and this just repeats day after day–he was in the top of his class, got a scholarship, was socially active–he of course denies addiction to his games, or depression–I think he is afraid of responsibility. He did have a part-time job during high school. WHEN I can get him to talk at all he says he doesn’t know what he wants to do–of course his friends are all away going on with their lives—he won’t go talk to anyone and I can’t pick him up and take him anywhere! HELP!
April 14th, 2009 at 11:27 am
Dear Phil and Sue: We have a series of articles on EP by James Lehman that I’d like to recommend: it’s called, “Rules, Boundaries and Older Children”. The three articles in the series address many of the issues you both bring up in your comments. Here’s the link:
http://www.empoweringparents.com/category-Older-Children.php
Start with the first article, which is at the bottom of the page. Good luck to you both!
April 14th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
Regarding: judy Says: April 8th, 2009 at 7:24 pm
what do parents say to a 16year old who says it is unconstitutional to drug test a kid at home?
Actually, what you can do varies by jurisdiction. Generally, it’s a matter of statute and case law, not a matter of the constitution. In Pennsylvania, once a child reaches age 16, they can refuse any and all drug testing. Period.
For example, there was a 16 yo heroin addict who refused drug testing and drug counseling, just because she could. The only way around the situation was to have her become involved in the criminal justice system. In other words, she had to commit an offense under the law, get caught and convicted, and have judge order drug testing and participation in counseling.
We no longer live in Pennsylvania.
Find out what the laws are in your jurisdiction so that your family rules don’t blow up in your face. Once you know the laws, you know where you stand under the law when you stand up for keeping your child safe.
April 14th, 2009 at 7:36 pm
Boy, do I have a comment. Here is a classic 18 year old story. My son is not even 18, his birthday is in 2 weeks, and he has already informed his Dad and I that he was going to leave the wilderness high school he is successfully attending, for smoking pot, and moving to Costa Rica to surf the rest of his life away. He told us there is no way he is going to go back next year to finish his senior year.
My husband and I were so worried about our son and almost brought him home for next year, while the program he is attending insists that he is not ready to come home yet. What a hard decision, but the program directors insisted that it was manipulation. My husband and I decided to listen to the directors and not buy into his manipulation, to send him back next year to finish what he has started! Fast forward to this past weekend, My husband and I went out to Montana to spend Easter with our son, and shared with him our plans. After a couple of hours of him digesting the fact that he has no other alternative. He has come to accept this. He even shared with us that he had no intention of ever running away. I told him that it shows how much he has matured in just sharing that with his Dad and I. That I was very proud of him making a responsible decision. We are no longer enabling unacceptable behavior, and it is paying off big time. This is for every parent out there. The only thing you owe your kids is love and love alone!!!!!!!!!!!! Sometimes love is saying “NO”.
April 15th, 2009 at 1:51 am
Hi, my husband and I have struggled with our very disrespectful teens, Our oldest just turned 18 and figures she is old enough to do anything she wants. Just because she is an “adult.” She lies, helps herself to anyones belongings just because she feels she deserves to have what she wants, when she wants. She uses her family friends and anyone willing to allow her to take advantage of them. She keeps a job only long enough to get a paycheck and spends it all on herself regardless of how much she owes for rent and food. She bounces from one place to another taking full advantage until she exhausts that outlet and moves on to the next, She has learned to manipulate her family friends relatives with her coniving feel sorry for me the victim stance. And thus the cycle begins. Our oldest boy 15 sees this behaviour and figures it works for her it can work for him. My husband and I definately have given in to our daughters games and are truly frustrated, disapointed and embarrased that she treats not only ourselves inapropriately but is very rude and disrepectful to others. It has gotten to the point we don’t want to include her in family functions and holiday get togethers. Because she will turn our get togethers into complete chaos and embarrasment.She only wants to be apart of these functions for the free food and gifts and makes it very known these are her only intentions. It is truly pathetic. After including her this last easter holiday. My husband and I feel we are not wanting her attend anymore functions with us as a family. As her behaviour never changes dispite us laying out the family rules and her being in agreement. Within a day it all changes to focussing on her needs her wants and to heck with everyone elses needs or wants. Very selfcentered individual. I am @ a loss I love my daughter, not liking the behaviour. I am including her out of guilt and not trusting her knowing our home will be empty while we travel on holidays. Our younger siblings are 2 year old twins and a three year old who adores his big sister. I am concerned about her foul language her inapropriate disrespectful behaviours in front of them as well. Any suggestions?
April 16th, 2009 at 8:06 am
I am responding to Mom of 5.
Do not allow any disrespectful behavior that will lead to compromising your values of your home. Write down the rules and especially to the 18 year old, direct them to her. She should not be allowed in your home or family get togethers with her behavior. If she doesn’t want to comply to your rules of a good family, she doesn’t belong with you. Pack her things in plastic bags and tell her until she wants to accept these loving rules of the family, she can’t be around. It worked for us after a year battle over the same thing. Our daughter left, and returned with a new appreciation of our love and rules. It was hard with her in the house and difficult to be without her. Those years were like a rollercoaster, but not no more. We all agree we will NEVER go back to the old ways of disrespect.
May 11th, 2009 at 8:24 am
Hi, I am writing for some advice. Our daughter, 19, has just returned from her second year at college. She has a history of BiPolar Disorder (supposedly, don’t know if I totally believe that) and violence. She has trashed our house (in the past), defaced property, smashed our things; etc. to get her way on things. We have had to call the cops several times (they pretty much didn’t do anything!) and also Mobile Mental Health (last year she didn’t get out of bed for the whole first week she was home for the summer, also only took one shower and one bath in that time period, she would get up at 10 or 11 pm and wake us up for stupid reasons (to get the code for the TV for locked channels, to start an argument about going out at midnite/1 am with her friend; etc. she refused to go to psych appt so we called Mobile Mental Health (they convinced her to go the hospital and get her meds changed.) This didn’t do much, the one med made her practically comatose! She is now off all meds and claims that she doesn’t have rages anymore (which is true, she hasn’t has an episode in eight months). She was failing quite a few classes in her freshman year, but now her grades have improved. I really believe that she is trying to do better. She even got a job for the summer but it doesn’t start for about a week. In the meantime, she is falling back into her old pattern of sleeping all day (and I mean all day…didn’t get up til 6pm yesterday…we both kept trying to wake her up, but she ignored us and then when she did get up she refused to take a shower/bath until we were ready to go to bed at 10pm. She then was crashing around in the kitchen, living room and her old room (which is across the hall from ours…she moved to the guest room downstairs a couple of years ago because we couldn’t sleep with the light on all night, even with the door closed, the light would come through…plus when she would leave the room she banged the door no matter how many times we asked her to stop…anyway…)Lights were turned on and off, then I heard her outside on the driveway going through her car (she was looking for her hairbrush!!! At 1 am!) Not to mention we have special locks on the doors because she snuck out of the house once a few years ago and she took the lock apart to get out to her car. My husband is so angry with her he has already told her that if this behavior continues she has to get out. This terrifies me! First of all, I really don’t want her to get out…she is basically a good kid, doesn’t drink, smoke, or fool around with guys. As I said before, she is trying harder to do well in school and did get a job. Second of all, I know that if my husband tells her to get out, she won’t. She has nowhere to go. I know that he will go so far as to get the cops involved. I really don’t want this!! I don’t want her to hate us for the rest of our lives and I don’t want the embarrassment of the cops coming to our house again! Please help! I don’t know what else to do. Our 15 year old sees her sister getting away with this behavior (sleeping all day, etc) and tries it, but she is more social so responds to grounding. But she is resentful now because she says we have a double standard, and I agree with her, but I just don’t want to set my other daughter off on a rage so I keep giving in to her demands. She doesn’t do anything to help out in the house and when I ask, she ignores me or claims that she is not feeling well. She will take her sister to dr. appts if I ask (when I am working), she has done this in the past and never put up an argument. It also seems to me that my husband hates her. No matter what she does or how hard she tries his opinion doesn’t change. He claims he doesn’t hate her, he hates the behavior. Then why when she is doing the right thing (getting A’s in school) does he brush it aside and still concentrate on the old behaviors. PLEASE HELP!
May 23rd, 2009 at 7:54 am
But dont you think that if you try to enforce so many rules and things your child must abide to, you will eventaully push them away. You dont want your child to be so scared and worried that they can’t talk to you about anything. Like say if your 15 year old daughter wanted to tell you she was having sex and she is being sensible about it but is too scared to, in fear you’l stop her seeing her sexual partner and will never understand. In my opinion setting so many rules and thing’s a teenager must abide to will only push them away and make them think even more that when they are 18 they can do what ever they want. Then when they reach this age they mnight go a little crazy indulging in the fact they are finally free and this is clearly the wrong message to send out to your child/ren. Of course there must be some rules and regulations in place in your household your child/ren must follow. You dont want to scare your child so much they cant tell you anything. Every mother should want a comfortable and strong relationship with their child/ren where they can talk to their parents about things. A parent should be realistic towards ideas such as sex, you can’t stop it and you can’t stop your child seeing their partner over it. You should be able to talk to your child about this matter and offer them the support and care they need along with as telling them and informing them on the responsibility needed and how to be sensible. You can set guidelines and ways of life for your child/ren to follow but you can’t obsess over this, as growing up a child needs space to develop who they are and find there way in life rather than being told and forced to be something they are not.
December 28th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
[...] When Your Teen Says, “I’m Almost 18–You Can’t Tell Me What to Do!” by Megan Devine, Parental Support Line [...]
December 29th, 2009 at 11:03 pm
Just a couple of comments regarding drug testing and older teenagers who refuse to act responsibly at home.
When my son was in high school, he was experimenting with drugs – to what extent we don’t know. He maintained good grades and was on the varsity tennis team. However, we told him that he would be drug tested and he’d never know when his dad would demand it. If he tested positive for drugs, certain privileges were taken away but if the tests were negative, we told him we’d buy him a video game. He liked that idea and then asked if he could request drug testing and so we said sure.
He was living with his dad, step mom, brother and 3 step brothers so they were all subject to the testing. I don’t know if he ever requested a drug test (he’s 28 now) but the positive aspect helped him accept the threat of negative consequences. Even though I wasn’t living with him, he knew that his dad and I were united on him acting responsibly.
I hear lots of parents call Dr. Laura about their 18 year old + teenagers who think they can take advantage of their parents. A parent’s job is to make sure their kids learn responsibility – even if that means kicking them out of the house. If they think they are adult enough to live by their own rules, then they must accept the responsibility of providing for themselves. It’s part of natural consequences.
Google Discipline Without Stress and read about the 4 levels of responsibility. As an educator, I have used the system with all ages and it helps. One of the biggest plusses is that it causes the child/teenager/adult to quickly analyze their behavior. Just by recognizing which of the 4 levels a behavior is leads to improved responsibility.
August 16th, 2010 at 11:57 am
I have an 18 year old daughter with medical problems that require medication every day. She refuses to go to school, or to get a job. She is disrespectful, and holds her medical condition over my head in case I threaten to put her out of the house. I have stated my house rules including going to school or getting a job and paying rent, but it falls on deaf ears. What are my options as far as consequences for her defiance besides kicking her out of my house? Help!
August 16th, 2010 at 3:28 pm
Dear April:
Remember that in James Lehman’s Total Transformation Program, consequences are only one part of a larger system that changes behavior. A much more important part of that system is helping your child to learn how to problem solve.
It’s important to have structure in the day and set limits with kids. This teaches kids that there are rewards and consequences in life for the choices they make. In addition, in order for consequences to work, you have to offer rewards or else your consequences just become punitive. Try to think of an incentive for your daughter to encourage her to work toward finishing school or to seek employment. This can be a daily incentive earned for spending time working toward her goals.
Don’t forget the Support Line is available to assist you in applying the techniques from James Lehman’s Total Transformation Program.