Are the Parenting Ghosts of Childhood Past Haunting You?
Posted By: Tina Wakefield
Category: Life Lessons
Comments: 8
There isn’t any better time than Halloween to pay tribute to the ghosts of our childhood past. Becoming a parent provides the unique opportunity to revisit these ghosts and see them in a whole new way. What do I mean by this? Many of us struggle with images from our childhood of parents or relatives who were very strict, very permissive, or just plain ill-equipped to parent. For some of us, our ghost may take the form a strict disciplinarian. We might struggle with setting limits in our own families for this reason, in our attempts to not be the same way. Or maybe you come from a family of certified yellers, and it’s difficult for you to keep calm and in control while you parent.
I talk to quite a few parents on the Support Line who struggle to be in charge of some of their own ghosts instead of letting the ghosts run the show. Even before I became pregnant, I tried to picture what my ghosts would look like and if I would be okay when they came to visit. Inherently, becoming a parent invites you to hold the mirror up to yourself. Part of what reflects back is how you were parented. In the midst of all those images, experiences, and feelings that get conjured up, you begin to form ideas about what things you want to replicate in your own relationship with your children — and vow to not do the things that bothered you as a kid. (The “I’ll never do what my mom/dad did!” moment.)
Of course, we all find ourselves doing exactly what our parents did (and we vowed we wouldn’t do) from time to time. The beauty of it is, we don’t have to be stuck in the past. We can change, even though it’s one of the hardest things we might ever tackle. James Lehman says that sometimes as parents we find ourselves trying to push past what comes naturally (and that isn’t working any longer) in order to try something different that will be uncomfortable. I’m not one that particularly enjoys being uncomfortable in any sense of the word, but being a parent has forced me to step out of my comfort zone. I have found that when those moments of discomfort pass, and they can be so tough, you’re able to see that you have the power to reshape yourself into a more loving and giving parent.
What I’ve realized is that while the ghosts of our childhoods might cause us to mourn what we didn’t have at times, they can also move us to celebrate what we have gained.
What ghosts are you struggling with? Which ones have you already conquered?
Tina Wakefield is a Parental Support Line Advisor for the Total Transformation Program.
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November 3rd, 2009 at 9:06 am
As the oldest child in a large family, my biggest “ghost” was the excess responsibility that was placed upon me when I was young. With my own children, I initially “rebounded” in the opposite direction - did not expect much from them at all. Then I became a single parent, and that forced my kids to step up… and it forced me to overcome the guilt I felt and find some balance.
Now, I am a custodial step-mom to kids whose bio-mom is horribly abusive. I see myself and my husband “rebounding” in the opposite direction again: we’re really soft and lenient, because the bio-mom has used “discipline” as an excuse to abuse, and it seems the kids have a hard time telling the difference.
So, we’re back to finding balance again. That seems to be the theme. Luckily, I’ve done this long enough to appreciate that it’s a journey.
November 4th, 2009 at 9:54 pm
I had so many ghosts in my childhood, I did not think I could parent effectively. I was 40 when we adopted our daughter, now 10. It was easy to decide what NOT to do: no hitting with implements (belts, wooden spoons); no face slapping; no head games; no manipulating with parental guilt; no shaming; lots of positive reinforcement. My problem is what I can and should do, and setting boundaries are always a challenge. I am grateful to the EP newsletter for giving me good, practical insight that works.
November 4th, 2009 at 11:24 pm
My mom had and still has a fiery temper,would hit out at me at the slightest issue and expected me to apologise even when she was in the wrong. I swore I would be different when I became a mom. Just 2 days ago, as I was talking to my 12 year old son, he told me that I got angry too easily when they do not meet my expectations. I was aboslutely disappointed in myself! Only when I read your article did I realise that I was not alone- funny how hard I fought to stave off the poor influence from my mother and yet it sneaked right back into my life.
November 7th, 2009 at 10:35 pm
Ah, yes … The Ghost of Parent Past. I’ve been visited by her. And on more than one, two, or ten occasions. What hit a nerve with me in your article was your final statement: ” … while the ghosts of our childhoods might cause us to mourn what we didn’t have at times, they can also move us to celebrate what we have gained.” That pretty much sums up my experience, and as a single parent, I could add that the ghosts of my childhood might also cause me to mourn what my kids don’t have at times. Which makes the gains that much more significant. Thanks for your well-timed and well-written article! =)
November 9th, 2009 at 10:37 am
JB,
I like how you used the term “rebound” to describe how at some points in our lives we swing to extremes. You are so right about that it takes hard work to restore balance and that it’s a process. I think getting out of whack is easy (like gaining weight) but the effort it takes to get on track is tough!
November 9th, 2009 at 10:42 am
Laura,
I totally understand what it’s like to question yourself and to be cautious when it comes to making life-changing plans like having a baby. I think you make an interesting point: when you decide what to “reject” there’s a void there, and you don’t have a replacement for all the things you know that you want to avoid. I hope EP fills in some of those gaps and that you feel positive about the mom you’re becoming!
November 9th, 2009 at 10:47 am
Veronica,
It’s great that you listened to what your boys had to say about the situation. Remember to be kind to yourself; getting angry and frustrated is unavoidable at times. Just because you get angry, that doesn’t mean you’re being just like your mom. It all hinges on what you decide to do when you are feeling that way. I think a lot of moms feel like they’re not being a “good” mom if they get upset, but hey, that’s the reality of parenting sometimes and it’s okay.
November 9th, 2009 at 10:54 am
Susan,
Thanks for your wonderful and positive comments. I’ve come to realize that many parents, even those who are not raising children alone, feel like they’re in it alone at times. I would imagine that raising a child on your own forces you to be courageous in ways that you couldn’t have imagined. I’ve enjoyed your posts and it’s good to have you here on EP!