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I began using the Total Transformation Program by James Lehman the minute it landed in my mailbox. I even opened it up in the car before driving home so that I could inspect the contents. I could not wait to begin! I perused and panned through everything. I scanned the upcoming lessons and wanted to jump through more than one lesson a night (despite the warning not to in the introduction).
My husband, upon seeing the program folder in my hand and the smile upon my face, grimaced and said âOh, itâs here, huh?â
Not quite the same approach. That is fitting because we have butted heads since the day we met over parenting styles. We are a blended family and he is stepfather to my two boys who have special needs. My oldest boy, Thomas, in addition to having autism, ADHD, and bipolar disorder, also has been diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder. We have successfully found treatment for all of his other problems except this one. He seems to have a compulsive need to argue and talk back. (And thatâs the least of it, too!)
When Jerry, my husband, first joined our family, Thomas was used to getting his way because I had given up on arguing with him. If I tried to stand my ground, Thomas would rage, destroying whatever got into his hands first. I had already begun working with a therapist to try and determine the actual causes of these rages so that we could apply corrective action to them and get them to stop. I am happy to report that the work I did with that therapist helped a great deal in calming Thomas down. The only difficult behavior that remained was his lack of respect, his back talk and argumentativeness.
My husband Jerry had already raised two kids who were not special needs. They turned out âokay.â He, like many people, spanked his kids on the bottom, smacked their hands when they were toddlers and touched things they ought not touch, yelled at them to get them to comply, and so on. All of those techniques just seem to not work with Thomas and instead seem to make the behaviors worse. Oh sure, yelling works great in the short term, but then you just have to yell more loudly next time and somehow intensify the moment to get the same result the next time. And it didnât actually solve the behavior, i.e. get him to listen to me the first time I told him to pick up his dirty laundry.
What was the answer, then? Jerry didnât want to participate in this new program and I did because I could see (based upon basic common sense and my previous education in this field) that The Total Transformation Program had the potential to really save my son from himself. So, Jerry didnât participate at first.
I have gone on using the lessons (yes, they are working!) and being the disciplinarian in the family. Jerry agreed that for two weeks, weâd do things âmyâ way (according to the TT program) and he would stand back and let me do it without any usurping from him. Heâd support my efforts, but not be the actual disciplining parent. This would give him time to see that I could get more results out of Thomas using the TT program than he could with his yelling. Well, Iâm happy to say that after going through this little experiment, this week Jerry is going to complete the lessons with me.
Heâs busy right now playing catch-up and weâll go on from there.
Be sure to check in with Heather as she blogs about her family’s experiences using the Total Transformation Program. And if you’re working through the program, please feel free to post any advice, comments or questions here!
Heather Sedlock is the mother of two special needs kids, a writer and a Parent Blogger for EP. To read more about Heather (and all our contributors), please click here.
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December 10th, 2009 at 6:33 pm
I failed to mention that I would love to hear from readers about their experiences… maybe it’s never been a problem and both you and the other adults in your life have always been on the same page… maybe you could give some pointers as you have been there… whatever the case may be, I do want to hear about it!
December 15th, 2009 at 11:36 am
Heather, thanks so much for sharing your experiences with The Total Transformation Program. It’s good to hear that your husband is on board — way to go, Jerry! (I can’t wait to hear how it goes with your boys, too.) As a parent, I’ve found that just having a game plan often helps — it takes so much stress off our shoulders when we have some good ways of handling our kids’ behavior. (And it greatly reduces those “deer-in-the-headlights” moments — you know, when your child does something and you have no idea what to do or say next!)
December 15th, 2009 at 11:45 am
I know those deer-in-the-headlight moments! But I turned the table when Thomas saw the package and I explained what the TT program IS and what it’s going to do for US. Although, he was even more on board than Jerry was in the beginning! Of course, he says that now… wait until he’s forced to change HIS behavior
I’m looking forward to sharing my lessons learned with everyone here!
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on this post
December 19th, 2009 at 11:45 pm
Way to go, Heather! I applaud your determination and persistence. I, too, have a blended family, and am also a mom of 2 boys. My sons have not, as of yet, been diagnosed with any special needs, but I can sure sympathize with a child that is argumentative (we say he likes to “debate”).
My fiance’s style of parenting is different than mine (he went to the same parenting school as your husband, I think) and needless to say, we have had our fair share of challenges raising our kids (ages 6 and 9)! *sigh*
I look forward to following your trek through the TT program with your husband. Keep up the great work — you inspire and motivate me, Heather! =)
December 20th, 2009 at 4:08 am
Hello, Susan!
Argumentative, little lawyers, debaters, back-talkers, doesn’t matter what we label them, we know what we’re talking about and it doesn’t take a diagnosis to know it’s an issue!
Have you ordered the Total Transformation program yet? If you haven’t, I HIGHLY recommend it. And if fiance isn’t on board, he can certainly sabotage the success you have, so it’s important the two of you end up on the same page. And that’s true of anything regarding parenting, even if you don’t use a special program to help out. Providing a united front is always the best thing and it’s hard to do when you differ in opinion.
But, there’s a reason why kids go to bed before us–so we can talk about them
Make sure you and Fiance talk about these issues and get it worked out because otherwise, your little lawyer will definitely get in the middle and fill that space up and take over.
And I can’t wait to share more stories. I have some posts coming up that talks about the first lesson and the kids’ reaction to our use of the program… hope you stay tuned!
May 13th, 2011 at 10:03 am
Hi Heather,
I can’t thank you enough for writing this article. My story is similar to yours, and I’ve tried some of the things you wrote about in an attempt to get my boyfriend on the same Total Transformation page. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to do it and it’s making me crazy!
Ironically, James is the one who suggested that I try the TT Program, for the benefit of my son (from a previous relationship). I’ll whole-heartedly admit that alot of my son’s negative behavior was caused by my ineffective parenting roles. Initially, after listening to the CDs, I thought the program could work and wanted to implement the effective parenting tips. However, what I was hearing and reading in the program was not in line with what James was doing, who believed that he had to step in as the disciplinarian. I tried to explain how some of his actions were considered ineffective, according to the program. He justified his actions, and I gave up on the program completely.
A couple of years later, he was tired of being the only effective (or so he thought) parent and said that I need to study the TT Program again and start taking a hand in changing my son’s behaviors. So, I explained to him that I would be happy to implement the program into my parenting, but that it is different from his parenting style. He said he didn’t care about that; as long as he started seeing results, then he wouldn’t need to step in and his parenting style wouldn’t be an issue.
Well, for the past few weeks I’ve been pretty diligent in applying more effective parenting techniques, but James is still handling some things ‘his way.’ I’ve, again, addressed some of his ineffective parenting techniques, which he (again) justified, even after listening to the ‘ineffective parenting syles’ CD.
I think James agrees with the very basic principles of the program: keeping children accountable for their actions, teaching them responsibility, and respecting authority. He just assumed (I think) that his way of getting those results were the same (or as effective) as the techniques presented in the Program. I don’t think he ever anticipated that any of his actions could be considered ineffective, even though ‘his way’ wasn’t producing the results he was expecting.
I’m determined to apply and master these techniques, and I think I’m getting better with it everyday. I’m seeing subtle changes in my son everyday, so that tells me they’re working. It’d be much easier, though, if James would get on board. It’s a real stress-producer to see James continuing to use his ineffective parenting techniques, when I’ve learned what kinds of negative things my son is actually learning from them.
Is there another way I can go about getting him on the same page, without causing him to be defensive and without undermining his parental authority? We have a daughter together, who is 2 years old, and I’m concerned that she will have some problems if we can’t get these differences resolved soon.
Thanks, in advance, for any help you can offer. I really appreciate it!
May 13th, 2011 at 3:37 pm
To âKnoxMomâ: It can be really hard to support your partner when you disagree with their parenting style. Itâs even more difficult and frustrating to be the only one willing to make the effort to change. The changes in the Total Transformation program really do start with the parentsâitâs not about getting the child to change, and I know you understand that. James Lehman suggests that in blended families, the biological parent should take the leading role and be the primary decision maker concerning rules, limits, consequences, etc.. He also felt that the non-biological parent should take more of a supporting role, deferring to the biological parent in most cases. That said, you might ask your boyfriend to listen to the bonus CD, the One-Minute Transformation, as that will give him 10 quick tools he can practice. If he sees value in these tools, that might help him to get interested in the rest of the program. Ultimately, though, you have to focus on what you can control and that is yourself. Do the best you can to be as effective as you can be. I am including some articles James Lehman wrote about blended families for more information and suggestions. We wish you and your family luck as you continue to work through this.
âMy Blended Family Wonât BlendâHelp!â Part I: How You and Your Spouse Can Get on the Same Page
âMy Blended Family Wonât Blend!â Part II: What to Do When Your Stepkids Disrespect You
May 13th, 2011 at 3:39 pm
Hi KnoxMom!
Well, from your husband’s side, he sees things this way: you did nothing and got y’all into this mess and he’s working hard to get ya out and here you come, telling him he’s doing it wrong!
No one likes to hear that when they feel like they’re the only ones who’ve done the work in the past.
And in your perspective: Okay, so I’m a little late to the game but I should get the chance to play and not be sidelined.
Instead of telling him what he’s doing is “wrong” or “ineffective,” skip that whole discussion.
Tell him, “Okay, you’ve been the disciplinarian and I realize I need to step up. I realize that I had to make changes to become an effective parent and change some parenting roles around. What I need from you is to let me. I need the practice. Since it’s been so long, it’s going to go rocky at first but please don’t jump in yet and let me handle thing, okay?”
And then, in a couple of weeks, after he SEES the results (minus his usurping), he’ll be more open to hearing about the techniques that he’s doing that he could change to something more in line with the program. Plus, he might not need to step in after those weeks anyway because things will have improved. He’ll be less likely to think “What do you know?” after seeing that you, indeed, do know a lot.
During the moment, when he goes to step in, feel free to tell him, “I got this, thank you.” as well. It’s a habit he has now that may be hard to break. So, even if you do not converse with him about it at all… you could do that. Simply tell him to butt out during the moments you’re handling things.
I’ve completed the program now, and have found that not only does my son respect ME more, but also my husband and other adults. He no longer questions, just does. Well, he saves the questions for after the chore is done. But each step towards building respect for one parent, will spread to other adults with time.
It gets there faster when both are on board and not sabotaging each other.
Jerry still tries his yelling with T as he believes it gets his attention on T’s bad days. And I step in and tell Jerry to take a time-out and deal with it. There’s nothing wrong with that either if the other parent is emotional during the exchange. There’s a fine line of playing tag-team and usurping though. Just remember, *you* have to stay calm or they win.