When Parenting Styles Clash: Working through the Total Transformation Program
Posted By: Heather E. Sedlock
Category: ADHD/ADD, Acting-out Behavior, Blended Families, O.D.D., The Total Transformation Program
Comments: 5
I began using the Total Transformation Program by James Lehman the minute it landed in my mailbox. I even opened it up in the car before driving home so that I could inspect the contents. I could not wait to begin! I perused and panned through everything. I scanned the upcoming lessons and wanted to jump through more than one lesson a night (despite the warning not to in the introduction).
My husband, upon seeing the program folder in my hand and the smile upon my face, grimaced and said “Oh, it’s here, huh?”
Not quite the same approach. That is fitting because we have butted heads since the day we met over parenting styles. We are a blended family and he is stepfather to my two boys who have special needs. My oldest boy, Thomas, in addition to having autism, ADHD, and bipolar disorder, also has been diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder. We have successfully found treatment for all of his other problems except this one. He seems to have a compulsive need to argue and talk back. (And that’s the least of it, too!)
When Jerry, my husband, first joined our family, Thomas was used to getting his way because I had given up on arguing with him. If I tried to stand my ground, Thomas would rage, destroying whatever got into his hands first. I had already begun working with a therapist to try and determine the actual causes of these rages so that we could apply corrective action to them and get them to stop. I am happy to report that the work I did with that therapist helped a great deal in calming Thomas down. The only difficult behavior that remained was his lack of respect, his back talk and argumentativeness.
My husband Jerry had already raised two kids who were not special needs. They turned out “okay.” He, like many people, spanked his kids on the bottom, smacked their hands when they were toddlers and touched things they ought not touch, yelled at them to get them to comply, and so on. All of those techniques just seem to not work with Thomas and instead seem to make the behaviors worse. Oh sure, yelling works great in the short term, but then you just have to yell more loudly next time and somehow intensify the moment to get the same result the next time. And it didn’t actually solve the behavior, i.e. get him to listen to me the first time I told him to pick up his dirty laundry.
What was the answer, then? Jerry didn’t want to participate in this new program and I did because I could see (based upon basic common sense and my previous education in this field) that The Total Transformation Program had the potential to really save my son from himself. So, Jerry didn’t participate at first.
I have gone on using the lessons (yes, they are working!) and being the disciplinarian in the family. Jerry agreed that for two weeks, we’d do things “my” way (according to the TT program) and he would stand back and let me do it without any usurping from him. He’d support my efforts, but not be the actual disciplining parent. This would give him time to see that I could get more results out of Thomas using the TT program than he could with his yelling. Well, I’m happy to say that after going through this little experiment, this week Jerry is going to complete the lessons with me.
He’s busy right now playing catch-up and we’ll go on from there.
Be sure to check in with Heather as she blogs about her family’s experiences using the Total Transformation Program. And if you’re working through the program, please feel free to post any advice, comments or questions here!
Heather Sedlock is the mother of two special needs kids, a writer and a Parent Blogger for EP. To read more about Heather (and all our contributors), please click here.
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December 10th, 2009 at 6:33 pm
I failed to mention that I would love to hear from readers about their experiences… maybe it’s never been a problem and both you and the other adults in your life have always been on the same page… maybe you could give some pointers as you have been there… whatever the case may be, I do want to hear about it!
December 15th, 2009 at 11:36 am
Heather, thanks so much for sharing your experiences with The Total Transformation Program. It’s good to hear that your husband is on board — way to go, Jerry! (I can’t wait to hear how it goes with your boys, too.) As a parent, I’ve found that just having a game plan often helps — it takes so much stress off our shoulders when we have some good ways of handling our kids’ behavior. (And it greatly reduces those “deer-in-the-headlights” moments — you know, when your child does something and you have no idea what to do or say next!)
December 15th, 2009 at 11:45 am
I know those deer-in-the-headlight moments! But I turned the table when Thomas saw the package and I explained what the TT program IS and what it’s going to do for US. Although, he was even more on board than Jerry was in the beginning! Of course, he says that now… wait until he’s forced to change HIS behavior
I’m looking forward to sharing my lessons learned with everyone here!
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on this post
December 19th, 2009 at 11:45 pm
Way to go, Heather! I applaud your determination and persistence. I, too, have a blended family, and am also a mom of 2 boys. My sons have not, as of yet, been diagnosed with any special needs, but I can sure sympathize with a child that is argumentative (we say he likes to “debate”).
My fiance’s style of parenting is different than mine (he went to the same parenting school as your husband, I think) and needless to say, we have had our fair share of challenges raising our kids (ages 6 and 9)! *sigh*
I look forward to following your trek through the TT program with your husband. Keep up the great work — you inspire and motivate me, Heather! =)
December 20th, 2009 at 4:08 am
Hello, Susan!
Argumentative, little lawyers, debaters, back-talkers, doesn’t matter what we label them, we know what we’re talking about and it doesn’t take a diagnosis to know it’s an issue!
Have you ordered the Total Transformation program yet? If you haven’t, I HIGHLY recommend it. And if fiance isn’t on board, he can certainly sabotage the success you have, so it’s important the two of you end up on the same page. And that’s true of anything regarding parenting, even if you don’t use a special program to help out. Providing a united front is always the best thing and it’s hard to do when you differ in opinion.
But, there’s a reason why kids go to bed before us–so we can talk about them
Make sure you and Fiance talk about these issues and get it worked out because otherwise, your little lawyer will definitely get in the middle and fill that space up and take over.
And I can’t wait to share more stories. I have some posts coming up that talks about the first lesson and the kids’ reaction to our use of the program… hope you stay tuned!