A Tale of Tension: When Our Adult Son Moved Home “Temporarily”
Posted By: Kathy Pride
Category: Older Children, adult children
Comments: 6
I have often quipped that middle-aged women and their twenty-something year-old kids don’t belong under the same roof, but the reality of this statement hit home this summer when our son moved back home temporarily.
The key word here is “temporary” but frankly, anything longer than a long weekend starts to wear thin, and when days turned into weeks, and then morphed into months, the tension in our relationship was directly proportional to the number of days our home was his home.
It all started innocently enough, but often that is the case, and before you know it you may have a tenant the likes of whom you would never rent to because there would not be a security deposit reasonable enough to cover the wear and tear to your home.
Now don’t get me wrong, I love my son. I just didn’t love him living under my roof for a stretch that became longer than we both anticipated. Two job orientations and a hunt for an affordable and dependable used car which could safely transport him to the West Coast (his desired location), delayed his departure three times.
So how do you handle this situation? The line between compassion and enabling sometimes is pretty thin.
He had a couple of odd jobs, but twice had airplane reservations to the West Coast for job training sessions which were postponed or canceled, delaying his departure from early August to early October, making it difficult to commit to long term steady employment in our home town. So we set a date by which he needed to leave. (A poor choice on his part, he ended up moving up the date by a few days, leaving the goodbyes a bit more bittersweet than I would have liked, but this was truly a launch for him to what will hopefully be independence.)
As our last financial hurrah and graduation kudos we bought him a reliable but not nicer than anything we were driving used car. In fact, we would have preferred a model with a few more miles at a bit lower cost than what we settled for, but cash for clunkers had eliminated any remaining vehicles that would have qualified. How long this car lasts will be up to him and how faithful he is in routine maintenance and care. We carefully calculated how much gas for a cross-country trip would cost, a reasonable amount for food (think ramen noodles and the 99 cent menu at Burger King) and the first month’s rent and security deposit.
Period. No more. End of story.
Now the rest is up to him.
We didn’t hear from him for a couple of weeks. He didn’t answer his phone when I called to wish him a happy birthday. Yet I still knew this was healthier than having him under our roof, hoagie wrappers strewn on the floor along with laundry and piles of objects, some identifiable — others not.
But then the phone did ring, and he called to announce he had landed a job and would start the following Monday.
He commented that he would only get paid once a month on this job. I told him what a great opportunity to budget that would be, praying silently that he had travel money left over, but assuming he did not. We chatted some more and I was thankful about how calm I felt with him being three thousand miles away rather than downstairs. It isn’t easy, but it is best.
I could ask myself a thousand questions…what happens if his landlord won’t wait till he gets paid for the next month’s rent? What happens if he can’t buy food? What happens if he can’t produce the two required forms of ID within the first few days at his new job? What happens if he loses this job? But I don’t.
Instead, I choose to reflect on the fact that as a young adult he needs to learn to stand on his own two feet, and perhaps the only way to allow that to happen is to pull the rug of financial support out from underneath him.
I will always love him; I just won’t bail him out financially any more.
Is this a familiar story to you? Have you lived this journey? What did or didn’t work for you? What if anything would you do differently? I believe there are many parents eager to hear your thoughts.
Kathy Pride is a mom, author and parent blogger for EP. Read the complete bios of all our contributors and parent bloggers here.
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November 3rd, 2009 at 1:41 pm
I don’t think I would have done anything different. When it comes to our kids we do want to see them succeed,if they are trying in the process. We are currently helping our daughter going through a diviorce. Although she is not living with us we are helping her with bills and food for the three little ones. 7yrs.,5yrs,&20MONTHS. I get frustrated sometimes because I don’t always feel she is being honest about bills that she pays that are in our name. Her ex isn’t helping much financially even though he is court ordered. So when we can we try to pick up the slack. But we now are coming to the end of our money to help and don’t know what to do but pray she gets back on her feet soon. It has been almost a year. We did ask her to move in thinking it would help her financially but she said no. Which to tell you the truth I was relieved. We have just told her that we are coming to the end of our financial help,what else could we have done. But my personal belief was help as long as we could. Now all we can do is be there for moral support. I just worry about the little ones. To young to fend for them selves.
November 4th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
Thanks for this post–it’s exactly what I needed to read. My 22 year old son will not leave the house, and I’m afraid I’m actually going to have to move to get him out! What do you do if your child doesn’t want to go? Help!
November 6th, 2009 at 9:13 pm
It’s tough on everyone involved when adult children move home or stay at home — the adult kids, the parents, any younger kids living at home, and especially step-parents, if there are any. It’s becoming a more and more common problem, and communication and planning are the most important ways to keep the situation livable for everyone. There are some great tips in this thread — there are more available at http://www.adultchildrenlivingathome.com.
November 7th, 2009 at 9:43 am
my step son says his girl will not sleep over but she does. he gets her so drunk she is passed out on the couch sleeping with him. and my husband gets mad at me for bringing this to his attention. he doesnt want to discipline him. he will probably abuse me for 15 more years living at home doing what ever he wants. even if i can’t sleep knowing they are doing what they shouldn’t. i can’t live like this. i was never allowed to sleep with a boy at my hose til 230 am. my hard and anxiety pounds when isee them in bed together. jesus help me get thru this.
November 7th, 2009 at 10:20 pm
My hat is off to you, Kathy! While my sons are not adults yet (they’re 6 and 9), I was grateful to catch a glimpse of my not-too-distant future … and the options available to me if/when a situation like yours presents itself in my life. I applaud your ability to maintain a sense of humor while enforcing limits at the same time. May I be as fortunate!
Wishing you all the best! =)
November 8th, 2009 at 7:09 am
Greetings fellow parents and journeyers. Thanks for your comments, and also affirmation.
Let me tell you, this was not pleasant, but we are already seeing the fruit of our action. We made good on our commitment to help our son relocate to the West Coast, with not a penny more than needed for gas.
He wasn’t happy either, and was posturing to refuse, but they will blow smoke, the toxic, black, thick kind, wherever and whenever they can. Hey, why would they want to go? A roof over their heads, presumably food in the fridge and tolerance of a “I will do as a please” attitude as long as their presence is tolerated.
Remember, you are in control, and while the potential alternatives are scary, until forced to stand on their own two feet, they won’t.
I spoke with Matt the other night, which means we are talking again. Frankly, I wasn’t at all convinced it would happen this fast.
But he is accomplishing some things on his own, and that has made a huge difference in his self esteem.
He has a full time job, a place to live that he found himself that is affordable, and being an outdoor nut, he is living in a place that has multiple options for him to pursue at every turn.
He applied for a second job at a snowboarding school, and if successful, will have a second job, plus a free pass.
If we had not taken the position we had, he would still be living and littering our downstairs.
Have faith, hope and courage, and love. Hand in there, and don’t tolerate what shouldn’t be.