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I have often quipped that middle-aged women and their twenty-something year-old kids don’t belong under the same roof, but the reality of this statement hit home this summer when our son moved back home temporarily.
The key word here is “temporary” but frankly, anything longer than a long weekend starts to wear thin, and when days turned into weeks, and then morphed into months, the tension in our relationship was directly proportional to the number of days our home was his home.
It all started innocently enough, but often that is the case, and before you know it you may have a tenant the likes of whom you would never rent to because there would not be a security deposit reasonable enough to cover the wear and tear to your home.
Now don’t get me wrong, I love my son. I just didn’t love him living under my roof for a stretch that became longer than we both anticipated. Two job orientations and a hunt for an affordable and dependable used car which could safely transport him to the West Coast (his desired location), delayed his departure three times.
So how do you handle this situation? The line between compassion and enabling sometimes is pretty thin.
He had a couple of odd jobs, but twice had airplane reservations to the West Coast for job training sessions which were postponed or canceled, delaying his departure from early August to early October, making it difficult to commit to long term steady employment in our home town. So we set a date by which he needed to leave. (A poor choice on his part, he ended up moving up the date by a few days, leaving the goodbyes a bit more bittersweet than I would have liked, but this was truly a launch for him to what will hopefully be independence.)
As our last financial hurrah and graduation kudos we bought him a reliable but not nicer than anything we were driving used car. In fact, we would have preferred a model with a few more miles at a bit lower cost than what we settled for, but cash for clunkers had eliminated any remaining vehicles that would have qualified. How long this car lasts will be up to him and how faithful he is in routine maintenance and care. We carefully calculated how much gas for a cross-country trip would cost, a reasonable amount for food (think ramen noodles and the 99 cent menu at Burger King) and the first month’s rent and security deposit.
Period. No more. End of story.
Now the rest is up to him.
We didn’t hear from him for a couple of weeks. He didn’t answer his phone when I called to wish him a happy birthday. Yet I still knew this was healthier than having him under our roof, hoagie wrappers strewn on the floor along with laundry and piles of objects, some identifiable — others not.
But then the phone did ring, and he called to announce he had landed a job and would start the following Monday.
He commented that he would only get paid once a month on this job. I told him what a great opportunity to budget that would be, praying silently that he had travel money left over, but assuming he did not. We chatted some more and I was thankful about how calm I felt with him being three thousand miles away rather than downstairs. It isn’t easy, but it is best.
I could ask myself a thousand questions…what happens if his landlord won’t wait till he gets paid for the next month’s rent? What happens if he can’t buy food? What happens if he can’t produce the two required forms of ID within the first few days at his new job? What happens if he loses this job? But I don’t.
Instead, I choose to reflect on the fact that as a young adult he needs to learn to stand on his own two feet, and perhaps the only way to allow that to happen is to pull the rug of financial support out from underneath him.
I will always love him; I just won’t bail him out financially any more.
Is this a familiar story to you? Have you lived this journey? What did or didn’t work for you? What if anything would you do differently? I believe there are many parents eager to hear your thoughts.
Kathy Pride is a mom, author and parent blogger for EP. Read the complete bios of all our contributors and parent bloggers here.
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November 3rd, 2009 at 1:41 pm
I don’t think I would have done anything different. When it comes to our kids we do want to see them succeed,if they are trying in the process. We are currently helping our daughter going through a diviorce. Although she is not living with us we are helping her with bills and food for the three little ones. 7yrs.,5yrs,&20MONTHS. I get frustrated sometimes because I don’t always feel she is being honest about bills that she pays that are in our name. Her ex isn’t helping much financially even though he is court ordered. So when we can we try to pick up the slack. But we now are coming to the end of our money to help and don’t know what to do but pray she gets back on her feet soon. It has been almost a year. We did ask her to move in thinking it would help her financially but she said no. Which to tell you the truth I was relieved. We have just told her that we are coming to the end of our financial help,what else could we have done. But my personal belief was help as long as we could. Now all we can do is be there for moral support. I just worry about the little ones. To young to fend for them selves.
November 4th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
Thanks for this post–it’s exactly what I needed to read. My 22 year old son will not leave the house, and I’m afraid I’m actually going to have to move to get him out! What do you do if your child doesn’t want to go? Help!
November 7th, 2009 at 9:43 am
my step son says his girl will not sleep over but she does. he gets her so drunk she is passed out on the couch sleeping with him. and my husband gets mad at me for bringing this to his attention. he doesnt want to discipline him. he will probably abuse me for 15 more years living at home doing what ever he wants. even if i can’t sleep knowing they are doing what they shouldn’t. i can’t live like this. i was never allowed to sleep with a boy at my hose til 230 am. my hard and anxiety pounds when isee them in bed together. jesus help me get thru this.
November 7th, 2009 at 10:20 pm
My hat is off to you, Kathy! While my sons are not adults yet (they’re 6 and 9), I was grateful to catch a glimpse of my not-too-distant future … and the options available to me if/when a situation like yours presents itself in my life. I applaud your ability to maintain a sense of humor while enforcing limits at the same time. May I be as fortunate!
Wishing you all the best! =)
November 8th, 2009 at 7:09 am
Greetings fellow parents and journeyers. Thanks for your comments, and also affirmation.
Let me tell you, this was not pleasant, but we are already seeing the fruit of our action. We made good on our commitment to help our son relocate to the West Coast, with not a penny more than needed for gas.
He wasn’t happy either, and was posturing to refuse, but they will blow smoke, the toxic, black, thick kind, wherever and whenever they can. Hey, why would they want to go? A roof over their heads, presumably food in the fridge and tolerance of a “I will do as a please” attitude as long as their presence is tolerated.
Remember, you are in control, and while the potential alternatives are scary, until forced to stand on their own two feet, they won’t.
I spoke with Matt the other night, which means we are talking again. Frankly, I wasn’t at all convinced it would happen this fast.
But he is accomplishing some things on his own, and that has made a huge difference in his self esteem.
He has a full time job, a place to live that he found himself that is affordable, and being an outdoor nut, he is living in a place that has multiple options for him to pursue at every turn.
He applied for a second job at a snowboarding school, and if successful, will have a second job, plus a free pass.
If we had not taken the position we had, he would still be living and littering our downstairs.
Have faith, hope and courage, and love. Hand in there, and don’t tolerate what shouldn’t be.
January 10th, 2010 at 1:44 pm
Good afternoon everyone.
I’ve never blogged or commented on a website like this before, but I need some help, and after much searching, I have seen here a lot of what we are going through in our home. We have an 18 year-old who graduated from high school in June of 2009. Because he lacked motivation and decided to experiment with drugs, we sent him to a rehab facility for several weeks prior to his graduation in order to get him help and in the hopes of showing him what happens to adults and kids that go down this route. Upon his return, we struggled to get him through high school, but thankfully accomplished that. Rather than go away to college, which he always said he would do, he decided to move to California and try to get a job and break into the entertainment world. After two months, and securing a part-time job, he called that he had run out of money and needed to come home. So we bought him a plane ticket and brought him home. We immediately sat him down and went over the rules of living in his household since he is an adult. We told him we expected him to get a job and contribute to the household. We reinstated car insurance and have allowed him to borrow the car to look for employment. two months later, he has not found a job, sleeps until 1:00 p.m., keeps his room an absolute mess and tells us that there is no reason he should have to contribute here while he looks for a job and applies to colleges. We have had multiple arguments about this, even handing him a written agreement of our expectations of what he needs to do around the house. Our ultimatum to him is that he help, or he find an alternative living arrangement, to which he responded that he “hated” us, and that once he lands on his feet, he will never talk to us or have anything to do with us again. I’m at wits end. All we are asking is that he contribute and live under our rules. For this he becomes verbally abusive and defiant. Any help would be so welcome. Thank you
January 12th, 2010 at 9:24 pm
Greetings, Mindela,
First, oh, I read your post and my heart just goes out to you…it is so familiar to me…this sounds so much like what we went through…let me tell you there is hope, but only when you draw a very solid, very firm line that you will not allow to be crossed.
The line that predominantly I drew for years was not solid enough. It was pretty fuzzy and gray, full of broken promises and I don’t know how many second chances…I heard it all from
“Ihate you” to “you don’t know anything” to you name it we heard it. He wanted out and went. It got a bit tougher for him, he ended up with a DUI, but that seemed to really get through to him. Let me tell you, it was HARD. There were a couple of phone calls that left me feeling very scared, but I knew I had to hold the line.
Since then, he has stopped drinking, moved to a better and new place, kept an eye on the job market and is communicative. But if the line moves, he will cross it at every turn. Being tough, and loving toughly will be the hardest thing you will do, but also the one that will lead to your son taking responsibility for himself. You can’t make excuses or rescue him forever. I could have saved us a few years by being tougher sooner.
Please feel free to stay in touch, and I will be happy to lift you up. Hang in there…
January 17th, 2010 at 4:56 pm
Hi Kathy,
Thank you so much for responding. Not that I’m happy you have been through similar circumstances, but it helps to connect with people who understand through shared experiences. I agree with everything you say, and I’m thrilled for you that your son has made great progress. We have actually turned a corner this week by actually threatening to leave the house and putting him in touch with a homeless shelter. After all, their expectations would be such that he had to contribute to the community, look for a job, and not sleep through the day because he stayed up so late. Really no different than our expectations, yet it’s much warmer and we offer much more privacy for him. To make a long story short, he has been much more helpful and is following the rules – from getting up at 8:30 in the morning to taking initiative to help around the house. He has completed a couple of college applications and is “slowly” looking for a job. So, we will take it one day at a time. I’m very guarded, I have to admit, because on so many occasions we had a week or so of improvement, and then slipped completely backwards. This time, though, we will ask him to leave if he becomes abusive again, and I think he believes us. You are right, though, this is so difficult, but so important. We are completely bent on being firm and consistent, for his well being and for ours as well.
I wish you well, and am here to commiserate for you and others as well. Not easy raising teenagers!
Mindy
March 4th, 2010 at 12:16 pm
I have been reading everyones blogs about sons and their right of entitlement. Our story is similar and we have tried everything. Our son was diagnosed with ADD and dyslexia when he was 8 years old He took ritalin until he was 18 years old. We had a couple of bumpy rides with him through his high school years but no more than most other parents. He was accepted to University and then it all seemed to go down hill He refused to take his medication started smoking dope and didn’t attend one lectures at school. He was kicked out came home worked for my Husband in his business They would have fearful fights and my husband threw him out of the house at 19 years old. This is where I failed I hated it and after two weeks I had to make sure he was ok He was and I begged my husband to allow him home he wouldn’t Instead I paid for our sons accom in a share house and he worked for his Father sometimes when he needed money. He started then with the stand over tactics with me for cash (just awful) We decided that we would visit my Husbands Father in Europe for his 90th Birthday My husband bought our son a one way ticket to come with us and gave him a little cash Just said don’t come home until you are a man… We thought that this would be good for him however he ended up pan handling on the streets until he got a job as a short order cook at a hotel which provided accom. He stayed there for two years I hated him being away so long and flew over to visit him He looked dreadful and I bought him his return ticket home. He was all fired up to work for his Father again and did ,it all went well He then went on to a bigger firm which was International and studied part time and achieved his degree All was going very well He decided to buy his first home and we went mortgagee for him.. Two months after settling on his house he was made redundant and lost his job That was 11 months ago. He has completely slipped right back to his earlier days doona over the head he has gained 40 pounds smoking again. He was again working in my Husbands business but says he hates it I have suggested he gets some help as I think he is depressed. He is also back smoking dope as his sisters have told me He is almost 28 and as his Mother just want him to have a healthy and happy life Just get out of bed and go to work mix with people who are like minded people who think a hard days work deserves a good days pay… He has this sense of entitlement where he thinks what is ours is his.. He hasn’t bothered to apply for any jobs and now has come up with another idea and that is to go back to uni and do another degree. Of which he expects us to support him through… He refuses to pay his mortgage so we are doing this until he gets on his feet but enough is enough I think it is time he got real… My husband has a thriving business which he had always hoped to hand over to his son. Instead our son at the age of 28 would rather flip burgers for 10 dollars and hour than go back into the profession he is trained in. We have tried all sorts of things to encourage him… He couldn’t care less… How do you get a 28 yr old man out of bed and working again….If he hasn’t the get up an go to do it himself?
I fear that he is going to be this depressed fat smoker who only sees his four walls of the house he lives in as his Mother I don’t want this for him… Any suggestions would be appreciated we need a fresh approach as the old one isn’t working…
March 5th, 2010 at 1:48 pm
Hi All, Mindy and Gayle specifically,
First, Mindy, how is it going? Have the changes lasted? And if not, have you backed down?
I continue to cheer for our son long distance. And he is maturing and learning responsibility, so it seems. He filed his own taxes, took care of a car repair (he hit a tree avoiding killing a cat that ran out in front of him, ice involved) and has been saving money because he doesn’t know if he will have a job after next week. He said in the meantime he will apply to pizza hut, which is sad, given a college degree, but necessary, because experience has showed him we will NOT pay the bills!
So, Gayle, you ask, “How do you get a 28 year old to get up and get a job?”
My answer is you can’t.
You can’t make him do anything, as much as you think, know and believe it is best for him, until he feels it (he did survive in Europe for two years) he knows you will take care of him, so why change?
These are hard truths to write, harder yet to read, and most difficult to follow through with.
If you are serious in helping him, you need to follow through with cutting him off and asking him to move out.
I believe I have a much better relationship with my son now that that is where we are at.
Blessings, peace and good luck.
Feel free to also follow my blog at http://www.kathypride.com.
March 25th, 2010 at 5:28 pm
Hi all — Well we all have heard the good ol’ phrase “All it takes is a little tough love”. I had “taken care” of my son and all his problems for over 32 years. Yup, 3 kids a broken marriage, a terrible motorcycle accident, child support, etc. etc. He made the decision to divorce his wife (he was a battered husband) and come back to live with us. Well, his one bedroom apartment was hardly big enough for him and the children. A few months later, I retire and he has a really bad accident. He couldn’t walk, work or take care of himself or his children for 10 months after that, even had to bathe him. Yup, the ol’ heart kept on ticking my poor son… so much tragedy in his life. While my life, health and sanity not to mention my life savings going down the toilet mommy and daddy were here to kiss all the boo boos. Long story short, yes we bought him a house, bought him dependable transportation, fed and clothed his kids (now 4, the nurse helping us got pregnant) and he “expected” everything we were providing him. Well.. that was until I had a major mental breakdown and called it done! I evicted him from the house he wasn’t paying for, got a restraining order on him, not for protection but so I couldn’t talk to him and give in to him. Well, the thing called “Tough Love” worked. He was allowed to move back to the house, but hasn’t skipped a monthly payment yet. He pays his own utilities and even cooks for his kids. We even get an invite to dinner every now and then. As much as it hurt, it was the best breakdown I ever had. Made him realize that standing beside me was better than having to live without me. Off to London !! Retirement is great without the baggage…
April 20th, 2010 at 5:27 pm
I read Mary C’s comment and it brought tears in my eyes and hope in my heart.
I am currently in counseling and going through the Transformation Program because I am the mother of a 35 year old son that at times is doing well but at other times is struggling and verbally abusive. I have come to the end of my rope and I’m trying to figure out how to do tough love (it’s hard after years of giving in and helping out). It doesn’t seem black and white and I make excuses for my behavior.
I have also been searching online for support because this new way of life for me is hard and I don’t have the support I need offline – hence finding this sight and reading her post. This is my first time reaching out online.
My son’s car broke down many months ago, so I let him use my car. He has two broken down cars at his house. He has a 3/4 time job, a failing mortgage and is a single parent. But after all these months he now seems entitled to my car and even though he said I could have it whenever I need it, now it turns out his plans are more important then mine. I have told him I want the car back by May 1st. He said OK. In the meantime I don’t see him doing anything to get his other cars fixed, titled and insured. I am fearful he will not follow thru, will loose his job and not be able to have transportation for his child. I make excuses for him and don’t know where to be compassionate and helpful and when to draw the line. I keep telling myself he is capable and is chooseing not to be because good old Mom who is retired (with nothing to do – Ha) will continue to bail him out.
Any words of wisdom out there I would very much appreciate.
Thanks for listening. I want my life back too!!!!
April 21st, 2010 at 6:45 pm
Hi Mary, and Look Within,
First, I feel your pain, but also affirm you. Wait till you need my next post about how Tough Love got a little tougher in our home last week. Our soon to be 28 year old son bottomed out; made suggestive gestures about hurting himself that we couldn’t ignore…sigh.
Parenting adults is tougher than the younger ones. He takes a couple of steps forward, then hangs out in my opinion, not for sure, but we have been down the substance abuse road before, so I know it well) with bad company, and slept in till noon today. I told him in no uncertain terms that was NOT acceptable, and we will hammer out an agreement with the counselor next Wed. He has a little leeway till then, but I told him, and will follow through, and he knows it now after last week, that if he doesn’t do what he needs to do he can look elsewhere to live. I suspect his “friends” will kick him out when he can’t deliver what they expect. If they are supplying weed (which I think they are) how long are they going to put up with his freeloading? His bottom is pretty low…
On the other hand, said son who the original post was written about (yes, we have two need to grow up adult sons, who are behaving more like two year olds…) slept in his car a couple of nights this week, and didn’t even call to moan. He had a DUI in November and started his counseling and will also be going to weekly meetings. He just got a job at a really upper crust golf course.
I have learned to gracefully accept the successes, but not get too excited, because the next crash and burn seems to be right around the corner.
Hopefully they will be fewer.
I am walking this journey alongside you as a fellow sojourner. May you experience, stand up for, and feel you deserve peace.
January 18th, 2011 at 3:08 pm
We thought our son was finally growing up (he is 23). We thought he would graduate college and get comissioned in the army. Turns out nothing ever changes. He does not follow thru with anything that needs to be done. So there was a problem with a failed course and so he didn’t graduate. He’s waiting for a grade change and his diploma. He hurt his shoulder in April and is on pain meds. Now he has a spinal tumor. He needs to have films sent to doctors, make doctor appointments, etc. He only wants to get his pain meds (yes, heavy duty pain pills). He stands in his room and watches TV, says he’s looking online for jobs and does not help around the house whatsoever. Sleeps to 1 pm. Of course, we have paid part of his bills (phone – hoping he will get a job, and take care of whatever business he needs to do). My mother cosigned a school loan for him. He hasn’t paid the bill so poor Grandma is getting pass due notices (we paid what was due – lots of interest and told Grandma the rest is up to her. We would never cosign anything for him – we know he does nothing to take care of his life. His problems seem to multiply because he says he’ll pay the bill, or do whatever is necessary and just doesn’t follow thru. We gave him a month to move out because we’ve had it. We can’t talk about anything with him because he’s got an attitude. We walk on egg shells to ask questions and even try to help. He has no money so I have to go to the doctors with him and pay for everything. We have no other type of relationship and I really don’t care if I ever do. I want him to be proactive – that’s not going to happen. I have no control of anything – I can help when I go to the doctors with him, but that’s it. His father has listed the things that he needs to do and I am sure my son is not taking anything seriously. I am pretty stressed out. I want to get mental help for him, but he says no – so what’s next? I don’t know?
January 20th, 2011 at 8:15 am
Hi Elise,
Unfortunately, yours is a familiar scenario; but I do take exception to one thing you said, “I have control over nothing.” In the sense of having control over your son, you are correct, but you DO have control over the choices you make, and apparently have made a step in that direction by giving him notice to move out. The challenging part will be if/when/where he will go. You have the choice to make sure he leaves. That is the control you do and need to have. As long as you are putting a roof over his head, helping pay his bills for your reasons which are not the same as his, nothing will change…
We have gotten to the point with both our adult sons where holding the line has yielded successes. Our older son got his degree and just sent out his first round of job applications. My 83 year old mother with huge health issues is now living with us and needs to have someone around virtually all the time, so he is helping with that. Our other son is working and despite bumps is taking care of things that need to be taken care of. If they demonstrate responsibility and steps forward I demonstrate grace. If they demonstrate an attitude, I demonstrate totally tough love.
I also have two younger daughters; one had her room emptied recently when her attitude took over, and it is about to happen again.
Parenting is hard work. But you have a choice, you are in control, and there is healing. I understand about the part of being beyond caring. Sounds like he is in need of a wake up call, and I affirm and support you sound it to him loud and clear.
Peace, Kathy
January 20th, 2011 at 11:14 am
Dear Elise:
It can be very difficult when a family member has a serious illness, such as the spinal tumor your son has. Our thoughts are with you during this difficult time. As you say, it requires emotional, financial and physical support from you and other family members to help him as he is recovering from this illness. It sounds like your family could use some assistance in determining how everyone can support each other during this time. Consider talking to your family doctor, a professional counselor, or your church family. We hope your son has a successful and speedy recovery so you are able to find some relief from the burdens of caring for someone who is ill.
August 31st, 2011 at 8:07 am
Similar story as those above, 20 year old son who hasn’t worked for over a year and then for only a short time–I think is addicted to video games; add 18 year old GF and 3 month baby. The GF moved in almost immediately after baby was born because of problems at her home (that I now deal with). The difficulty is compounded because of baby, which they are using as a weapon and are currently withholding contact in my own home (while still keeping him within my sight).
I would like to find a counselor who will work with me to determine a plan of action, to help me get through this as I am very depressed. Since the GF came into picture, son’s behavior has been much worse and there are anger issues, verbal abuse, throwing things during confrontation. If I try to discuss things he immediately gets defensive and verbally abusive, and now has a baby that he uses as a weapon. GF whom I have been extremely good to, uses hostile attitude, refusing to talk or look at me, and keeping baby from me.
Additionally I work from home which means I am in a constant uncomfortable state of being.
I am married; my husband is son’s stepfather; He agrees with me and is very critical of them when discussing with me, but doesn’t put out a strong message to them that he and I are partners in this, so I feel quite alone most of the time.
Any ideas of how to find a counselor for support? The one I tried made me feel like I needed to do more to “repair the relationship.” I left the 2nd session more depressed than ever.
September 1st, 2011 at 1:08 pm
To ‘gillian00’: Finding a counselor can be a really difficult process. Sometimes it can take some trial and error to find someone who is a good fit. Whenever you have concerns about a counselor’s techniques or feedback, it is important to openly discuss those concerns directly with the counselor. Also keep in mind that working with a counselor is a process. It can take some time to feel like you are really making progress toward your goal. That said, since you are looking for a new support person for yourself, it might be helpful for you to contact the Boystown National Hotline at 1-800-448-3000. They are staffed by specially trained counselors who are available 24/7 to provide support to parents, kids, and families, and also to connect you with resources in your area. Another similar line you could try is the 211 National Helpline at 1-800-273-6222. We wish you and your family luck as you continue to work through this. Take care.
September 2nd, 2011 at 10:25 am
To: sarabean,
Thanks for the suggestion regarding counseling. I have been asking for suggestions from people I know who work with “kids” this age (local junior college environment), who can suggest a counselor who works with the ODD type behavior. Both GF and my son exhibit these behaviors, and feed upon each other. The situation has been ongoing since my son and the GF first met about 2 years ago, and one thing I was trying to prevent was the pregnancy (by offering to son to pay for birth control) because they are not grown up enough to be parents.
They are using the baby in my own home to hurt me. The first 3 weeks were fine, with me assisting so that the mother could take care of the baby, and when asked, I lovingly and willing would watch my grandson, so she (they) could sleep, and then later so they could have time away without taking the baby along. I put out a great effort to not interfere or offer advice unless my advice is requested.
Then they decided to take control over our home, living areas, etc., using the big tv for games rather than using the tv we moved into their bedroom. When I suggest an alternative, or compromise I get punished. For the last 3 weeks the punishment is to parade my 3 mo. grandson but not let me have any contact, to the point if GF sees him looking at me or trying to smile from a distance, she turns him around so he can’t see me. You see, they are using the baby to try to control me.
My son did indeed threaten to leave and that I would never see my grandson again. So I have to live with knowing it is possible that I won’t.
I feel like I am living in one of those scary movies that no one sees what is happening inside the home. I feel like they are trying to break me. I am concerned with what the stress of the last couple of years is doing to my health. I am depressed.
So the first counselor seemed to want me to “repair” the relationship, but I have not damaged the relationship. I’m preparing myself to live without contact with my grandson, so my heart is breaking. Living with him this way is probably worse than not seeing him.
I have scheduled an appointment with a counselor who was highly recommended. The session will take place after the Labor Day holiday. I feel hopeful after talking to him briefly and he said his method is to meet things head on.
Thanks again for your suggestions. I live in a small town; the counselor I used off and on as needed for many many years, retired last year, and there is no one in this town that seems able to fill his shoes.
October 11th, 2011 at 1:24 pm
we are living through the same thing! and the best thing you can do is set boundaries and stick to them. Our son was “kicked out” last Dec after cussing us out on the phone. We turned off his phone, took the car, and let him go. It was a hard Christmas without him.He was “couch surfing” for several months and we rarely heard from him. He came home this July with the stipulation he get a job or return to school. We gave him a deadline and when it came around and he refused a job offer because he chose not to take a drug test, he had to leave. He was with us only 6 weeks when we thought he had finally hit rock bottom, but I guess he keeps finding friends to support him. I have had a little contact thru facebook and we are planning on seeing him for his birthday. And, we told him when he decides to come back home to stay he will need to talk to a rehab counselor or a military recruiter. In this economy, there is just no valid reason not to take a job when you are handed one, unless you have other priorities that first need to be taken care of.