A Tale of Tension: When Our Adult Son Moved Home “Temporarily”
Posted By: Kathy Pride
Category: Adult Children, Older Children
Comments: 9
I have often quipped that middle-aged women and their twenty-something year-old kids don’t belong under the same roof, but the reality of this statement hit home this summer when our son moved back home temporarily.
The key word here is “temporary” but frankly, anything longer than a long weekend starts to wear thin, and when days turned into weeks, and then morphed into months, the tension in our relationship was directly proportional to the number of days our home was his home.
It all started innocently enough, but often that is the case, and before you know it you may have a tenant the likes of whom you would never rent to because there would not be a security deposit reasonable enough to cover the wear and tear to your home.
Now don’t get me wrong, I love my son. I just didn’t love him living under my roof for a stretch that became longer than we both anticipated. Two job orientations and a hunt for an affordable and dependable used car which could safely transport him to the West Coast (his desired location), delayed his departure three times.
So how do you handle this situation? The line between compassion and enabling sometimes is pretty thin.
He had a couple of odd jobs, but twice had airplane reservations to the West Coast for job training sessions which were postponed or canceled, delaying his departure from early August to early October, making it difficult to commit to long term steady employment in our home town. So we set a date by which he needed to leave. (A poor choice on his part, he ended up moving up the date by a few days, leaving the goodbyes a bit more bittersweet than I would have liked, but this was truly a launch for him to what will hopefully be independence.)
As our last financial hurrah and graduation kudos we bought him a reliable but not nicer than anything we were driving used car. In fact, we would have preferred a model with a few more miles at a bit lower cost than what we settled for, but cash for clunkers had eliminated any remaining vehicles that would have qualified. How long this car lasts will be up to him and how faithful he is in routine maintenance and care. We carefully calculated how much gas for a cross-country trip would cost, a reasonable amount for food (think ramen noodles and the 99 cent menu at Burger King) and the first month’s rent and security deposit.
Period. No more. End of story.
Now the rest is up to him.
We didn’t hear from him for a couple of weeks. He didn’t answer his phone when I called to wish him a happy birthday. Yet I still knew this was healthier than having him under our roof, hoagie wrappers strewn on the floor along with laundry and piles of objects, some identifiable — others not.
But then the phone did ring, and he called to announce he had landed a job and would start the following Monday.
He commented that he would only get paid once a month on this job. I told him what a great opportunity to budget that would be, praying silently that he had travel money left over, but assuming he did not. We chatted some more and I was thankful about how calm I felt with him being three thousand miles away rather than downstairs. It isn’t easy, but it is best.
I could ask myself a thousand questions…what happens if his landlord won’t wait till he gets paid for the next month’s rent? What happens if he can’t buy food? What happens if he can’t produce the two required forms of ID within the first few days at his new job? What happens if he loses this job? But I don’t.
Instead, I choose to reflect on the fact that as a young adult he needs to learn to stand on his own two feet, and perhaps the only way to allow that to happen is to pull the rug of financial support out from underneath him.
I will always love him; I just won’t bail him out financially any more.
Is this a familiar story to you? Have you lived this journey? What did or didn’t work for you? What if anything would you do differently? I believe there are many parents eager to hear your thoughts.
Kathy Pride is a mom, author and parent blogger for EP. Read the complete bios of all our contributors and parent bloggers here.
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November 3rd, 2009 at 1:41 pm
I don’t think I would have done anything different. When it comes to our kids we do want to see them succeed,if they are trying in the process. We are currently helping our daughter going through a diviorce. Although she is not living with us we are helping her with bills and food for the three little ones. 7yrs.,5yrs,&20MONTHS. I get frustrated sometimes because I don’t always feel she is being honest about bills that she pays that are in our name. Her ex isn’t helping much financially even though he is court ordered. So when we can we try to pick up the slack. But we now are coming to the end of our money to help and don’t know what to do but pray she gets back on her feet soon. It has been almost a year. We did ask her to move in thinking it would help her financially but she said no. Which to tell you the truth I was relieved. We have just told her that we are coming to the end of our financial help,what else could we have done. But my personal belief was help as long as we could. Now all we can do is be there for moral support. I just worry about the little ones. To young to fend for them selves.
November 4th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
Thanks for this post–it’s exactly what I needed to read. My 22 year old son will not leave the house, and I’m afraid I’m actually going to have to move to get him out! What do you do if your child doesn’t want to go? Help!
November 6th, 2009 at 9:13 pm
It’s tough on everyone involved when adult children move home or stay at home — the adult kids, the parents, any younger kids living at home, and especially step-parents, if there are any. It’s becoming a more and more common problem, and communication and planning are the most important ways to keep the situation livable for everyone. There are some great tips in this thread — there are more available at http://www.adultchildrenlivingathome.com.
November 7th, 2009 at 9:43 am
my step son says his girl will not sleep over but she does. he gets her so drunk she is passed out on the couch sleeping with him. and my husband gets mad at me for bringing this to his attention. he doesnt want to discipline him. he will probably abuse me for 15 more years living at home doing what ever he wants. even if i can’t sleep knowing they are doing what they shouldn’t. i can’t live like this. i was never allowed to sleep with a boy at my hose til 230 am. my hard and anxiety pounds when isee them in bed together. jesus help me get thru this.
November 7th, 2009 at 10:20 pm
My hat is off to you, Kathy! While my sons are not adults yet (they’re 6 and 9), I was grateful to catch a glimpse of my not-too-distant future … and the options available to me if/when a situation like yours presents itself in my life. I applaud your ability to maintain a sense of humor while enforcing limits at the same time. May I be as fortunate!
Wishing you all the best! =)
November 8th, 2009 at 7:09 am
Greetings fellow parents and journeyers. Thanks for your comments, and also affirmation.
Let me tell you, this was not pleasant, but we are already seeing the fruit of our action. We made good on our commitment to help our son relocate to the West Coast, with not a penny more than needed for gas.
He wasn’t happy either, and was posturing to refuse, but they will blow smoke, the toxic, black, thick kind, wherever and whenever they can. Hey, why would they want to go? A roof over their heads, presumably food in the fridge and tolerance of a “I will do as a please” attitude as long as their presence is tolerated.
Remember, you are in control, and while the potential alternatives are scary, until forced to stand on their own two feet, they won’t.
I spoke with Matt the other night, which means we are talking again. Frankly, I wasn’t at all convinced it would happen this fast.
But he is accomplishing some things on his own, and that has made a huge difference in his self esteem.
He has a full time job, a place to live that he found himself that is affordable, and being an outdoor nut, he is living in a place that has multiple options for him to pursue at every turn.
He applied for a second job at a snowboarding school, and if successful, will have a second job, plus a free pass.
If we had not taken the position we had, he would still be living and littering our downstairs.
Have faith, hope and courage, and love. Hand in there, and don’t tolerate what shouldn’t be.
January 10th, 2010 at 1:44 pm
Good afternoon everyone.
I’ve never blogged or commented on a website like this before, but I need some help, and after much searching, I have seen here a lot of what we are going through in our home. We have an 18 year-old who graduated from high school in June of 2009. Because he lacked motivation and decided to experiment with drugs, we sent him to a rehab facility for several weeks prior to his graduation in order to get him help and in the hopes of showing him what happens to adults and kids that go down this route. Upon his return, we struggled to get him through high school, but thankfully accomplished that. Rather than go away to college, which he always said he would do, he decided to move to California and try to get a job and break into the entertainment world. After two months, and securing a part-time job, he called that he had run out of money and needed to come home. So we bought him a plane ticket and brought him home. We immediately sat him down and went over the rules of living in his household since he is an adult. We told him we expected him to get a job and contribute to the household. We reinstated car insurance and have allowed him to borrow the car to look for employment. two months later, he has not found a job, sleeps until 1:00 p.m., keeps his room an absolute mess and tells us that there is no reason he should have to contribute here while he looks for a job and applies to colleges. We have had multiple arguments about this, even handing him a written agreement of our expectations of what he needs to do around the house. Our ultimatum to him is that he help, or he find an alternative living arrangement, to which he responded that he “hated” us, and that once he lands on his feet, he will never talk to us or have anything to do with us again. I’m at wits end. All we are asking is that he contribute and live under our rules. For this he becomes verbally abusive and defiant. Any help would be so welcome. Thank you
January 12th, 2010 at 9:24 pm
Greetings, Mindela,
First, oh, I read your post and my heart just goes out to you…it is so familiar to me…this sounds so much like what we went through…let me tell you there is hope, but only when you draw a very solid, very firm line that you will not allow to be crossed.
The line that predominantly I drew for years was not solid enough. It was pretty fuzzy and gray, full of broken promises and I don’t know how many second chances…I heard it all from
“Ihate you” to “you don’t know anything” to you name it we heard it. He wanted out and went. It got a bit tougher for him, he ended up with a DUI, but that seemed to really get through to him. Let me tell you, it was HARD. There were a couple of phone calls that left me feeling very scared, but I knew I had to hold the line.
Since then, he has stopped drinking, moved to a better and new place, kept an eye on the job market and is communicative. But if the line moves, he will cross it at every turn. Being tough, and loving toughly will be the hardest thing you will do, but also the one that will lead to your son taking responsibility for himself. You can’t make excuses or rescue him forever. I could have saved us a few years by being tougher sooner.
Please feel free to stay in touch, and I will be happy to lift you up. Hang in there…
January 17th, 2010 at 4:56 pm
Hi Kathy,
Thank you so much for responding. Not that I’m happy you have been through similar circumstances, but it helps to connect with people who understand through shared experiences. I agree with everything you say, and I’m thrilled for you that your son has made great progress. We have actually turned a corner this week by actually threatening to leave the house and putting him in touch with a homeless shelter. After all, their expectations would be such that he had to contribute to the community, look for a job, and not sleep through the day because he stayed up so late. Really no different than our expectations, yet it’s much warmer and we offer much more privacy for him. To make a long story short, he has been much more helpful and is following the rules - from getting up at 8:30 in the morning to taking initiative to help around the house. He has completed a couple of college applications and is “slowly” looking for a job. So, we will take it one day at a time. I’m very guarded, I have to admit, because on so many occasions we had a week or so of improvement, and then slipped completely backwards. This time, though, we will ask him to leave if he becomes abusive again, and I think he believes us. You are right, though, this is so difficult, but so important. We are completely bent on being firm and consistent, for his well being and for ours as well.
I wish you well, and am here to commiserate for you and others as well. Not easy raising teenagers!
Mindy