Ask PSL: My 19 Year Old is Living at Home — And Lying to Me!
Posted By: Megan Devine
Category: Older Children
Comments: 9
Dear PSL:
I am at my wit’s end. I have been trying to get my 19 year old son to get a job for months now. He says he’s trying, but I can’t be sure, as I am not home during the day to supervise him. I also just found out that he has been lying to me about finishing his high school diploma online. I try to motivate him to get a job, but he just doesn’t seem to care. He’s not a bad kid. I just find that I am starting to resent working so hard to put a roof over his head when he is doing nothing all day, and then lying to me about it. What can I do to make him care?
–Pulling My Hair Out
Dear “Pulling My Hair Out”:
It may be small comfort, but you are certainly not alone — we hear from so many parents in similar situations on the Support Line. You have worked hard to provide for your child, and expect him to take some responsibility for himself, and to care about becoming independent. But the truth is, most teens don’t think that way — they aren’t yet motivated by the same things adults are. As James Lehman said in his article on Motivating the Unmotivated Child, your teen is motivated — he’s just motivated to do what he wants, not what you want. If you think about it, why should your older child follow through with work or school? If he can live at home, be warm and fed, and have no adult responsibilities, why would he want to change that? With that ideal situation at home, there is no reason to face the challenges and anxieties of becoming an adult.
Instead of trying to get your child to care about work or school, you may have more success if you focus on the rules and expectations for him continuing to live in your home. Spend some time thinking about your expectations, and what the consequences will be for not following those expectations. Choose consequences you will adhere to — it will not be effective if you tell your child he can’t live in your home without a job and he is still there, jobless, 3 months later. Sit down with your teen and let him know what you expect; be clear and direct with your expectations, such as: “You have two weeks to find work; if you do not find work within those two weeks, I will find you a volunteer job. Either way, you need to be working — either volunteer or get for pay — 15 hours a week in order to continue to live here.” Remember, if there is no consequence for not following your expectations, your teen is unlikely to change his behaviors — it’s too easy and too comfortable where he is. Your consequences should make him uncomfortable enough to change his actions. Holding him accountable lets him learn the skills he needs to become an independent adult.
As James mentions in his 3 part series Rules, Boundaries, and Older Children, many teens lack the practical skills to assume adult responsibilities. Their anxieties about becoming independent may keep them from making an effort to find, or keep, a job. For many teens, putting up with mom or dad’s constant pressure is easier to handle than actually putting themselves out into the world. Rather than lecture your child about the benefits of working, focus on the skills your child will need to become a successful, independent adult. Use daily consequences and privileges to help your teen practice those skills.
Don’t assume your child knows what steps need to be taken — break it down with him: “Given that you have two weeks to find work, we need to come up with a daily schedule — you will need to get up in the morning, get the paper (or look online), and put in three applications a day. When I see evidence of those three applications when I get home in the evening, you can have your computer. If you have no evidence, you don’t get the computer, and you can try again the next day.” Breaking the larger task of finding a job into manageable, daily steps increases his practical knowledge, and it can help to keep both you and your child from coming up on the deadline with no effort made. Combining daily requirements and longer term goals can help your child successfully follow the rules in your home — and be on their way to independence.
And, as James says — don’t hold your breath waiting for your teen to appreciate your efforts, or for him to suddenly want to work. These things come with age and with time. Keep your focus on tangible, practical skills and goals, use privileges your child values, and follow through with your consequences.
For more on helping your teen transition from child to independent adult, be sure to check out the three part series Rules, Boundaries and Older Children.
Megan Devine is a Parental Support Line Advisor for The Total Transformation Program at Legacy Publishing Company.
9 Responses
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November 12th, 2009 at 12:15 pm
There’s some great advice here — I hope you take it heart, and that you can work everything out with your son.
November 17th, 2009 at 4:56 pm
This is a very good response and I needed these pointers; this sounds very similar to my 20-year old; and it seems like the more they are at home, the more they get more comfortable and lazy.
November 17th, 2009 at 10:31 pm
Wow — what a predicament! My heart goes out to the parent who submitted this situation, as well as to those who are in a similar boat. The recommendations here are pointed and sound quite appropriate. Of course, sometimes these are frequently easier said than done … Tough love is … well … tough! I wish the utmost in courage and strength to parents confronted with this predicament!
November 18th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
I have found that until kids (or we for that matter) have done “it” for ourselves it’s difficult for us to appreciate “it” being done for us.
When necessary we all tend to rise to the occasion. I think if our kids see that their skill or income etc. is truly necessary they get motivated and receive personal satisfaction in contributing.
Satisfaction raises their self esteem and increases their desire to contribute. Interestingly enough their devotion to what or whoever they are contributing to increases as well.
November 20th, 2009 at 11:42 am
My then 21 year old grandson used my debit card without my permission on several occasions to the tune of $900,at the coaching of his”friends”. I had made the card available to him in order for him to do errands for me. so it was not stolen. In order to teach him a lesson, I reported it to the police who referred it to the A.G. Even though I asked that he not be prosecuted, they did and he now has a misdemeanor on his record. This was almost two and a half years ago. He is now 25 and has not been able to get a job. My intent was to teach him a lesson. So, be careful because the punishment may not fit the crime.
November 20th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
Thanks for commenting everyone. Helping our older teens to develop grown up skills is not an easy job!
Neena - I’m sorry the situation turned out to have such lasting effects, especially as that wasn’t your intention. The truth is though, it is not your fault your grandson has a misdemeanor on his record; the choices he made created the situation, and he is solely responsible for the consequences. You might encourage him to seek job counseling or coaching - these professionals help people with criminal records to find employment. No matter what happened in the past, he has a choice as to how he lives his life now.
November 20th, 2009 at 5:52 pm
I had a 20+ that returned home after breaking up with
boyfriend and going to school at ITT Tech. She had to
repeat several expensive courses to finish degree because
she got depressed. Then I found out she had quit job
too. Luckily she finally got motivated and joined the
Marine Corps and now they keep her motivated. The thing
that seemed to work a little for me — make being home
as UNCOMFORTABLE as you can. Wake them up early, if they
don’t do the “chores” you have set up — cleaning or
dishes — be firm — I took dirty dishes up and put
them in her bed. Next time she was told to do them, they
got done. Don’t give them money without first setting
up what they have to COMPLETE BEFORE you hand
over the money. If you charge them rent and they are
paying it —- I was able to put this in a separate
account and when she left home — I gave her this in
a lump sum to help establish herself. This is very hard
to deal with.
I have a 16 year old step-son that can
only learn things the hard way and he is much more
bull headed than my daughter was. It does not help that
the emotional parent/child love bond is not present
either. When you join someone’s life at 13 and they
give you the bad teenage attitude, it is very hard to
see the good side of this person. I try most times to
deal with his father and then I become the enforcer when
Dad is at work. Not ideal, but seems to be working for
us. He will be one to quit school soon and what do we do
from there???? We will keep at it and try to help until
he turns 18 and then he may have to continue to learn
life’s lessons on his own the hard way — living some
where else.
November 24th, 2009 at 9:40 am
My husband and I married 4 years ago (both of us previously married with grown children). I moved from Texas to Georgia where is family is located. My children remained in Texas & Nevada (son is in Air Force). My children are 25 & 30. His are 24 & 27. We have spent over $7000 in the last 4 years bailing one out of jail, attorney fees, setting the other up after a divorce, her divorce fees, medical bills, car repairs, the list goes on. My children are independent. They don’t make alot of money, but they can pay their bills. I love my husband, but he makes excuses for every situation his children get in. His oldest & her 7 yr old have just moved in with us. Although we agreed to this move (because she will then be forced to pay for her expenses that she has not been able to accomplish), it’s still a distressing situation for me. I resent his children now; however I know he is enabling them to behave in this way. Yes, we have talked alot about it & have had counselling sessions over it. Nothing has changed & will probably never change. How do I change so that I can be at peace and continue to love my husband?
November 27th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
Marrying into a whole family presents such challenges at times. Unfortunately, there is no “magic” answer to your question. Money and parenting are big issues in many relationships. It sounds like you have discussed your feelings with your husband, and have not come to a mutually satisfying decision. While we cannot get into specific marital issues here on EP, you might consider discussing your financial situation with the help of a couples’ counselor. When all of the finances are shared, and you disagree on how those finances are used, resentment can creep into your relationship. You might also check out another program offered by James Lehman called “Two Parents, One Plan”. Here is the link: https://store.empoweringparents.com/two-parents-one-plan.html?&utm_medium=email&utm_source=email12012009C-3&dsource=email0307