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Why is it that people don’t hesitate to give out unsolicited parenting advice, no matter how much it offends the recipient?
Someone recently told me how people made her feel bad about using formula instead of nursing. I think that as parents, we know what’s best for our own kids. Some women are unable to nurse in the first place, and it’s not anyone else’s place to judge how a baby should be fed. Feeding choices are between a mother and the baby’s doctor. If doctors didn’t want their patients having formula, they wouldn’t be giving out free samples.
Then there’s the judgment that comes with the choice of whether to work or stay at home. I recently read a Facebook post from a stay-at-home DAD who had someone comment to him that he was just babysitting. When he told her he did this full-time, she reacted strangely, like there was something wrong with a dad staying at home with the kids. I even get comments, as a working mom, that it’s somehow “so easy to just arrange my schedule to accommodate my kids.” It’s not easy at all! People assume so much about a parents’ choices when it comes to this heated topic.
I think there are some topics that should just be avoided altogether when discussing parenting. Nursing vs. bottle feeding and childcare vs. work are just the tip of the iceberg. In the community where I live, school choices somehow end up being everyone else’s business, in regards to public vs. private school. Then there are people who make rude comments when a child doesn’t behave well or a baby is crying in a store. Nothing is worse to top off the stress of a crying baby than a cashier or patron telling you (by giving a look or making a subtle remark) that you are a bad parent. ALL babies cry! They don’t care if they’re in a store or safe in their crib.
There’s also religion. That’s definitely a topic where outside opinions are not welcome. With raising our kids as Modern Orthodox Jews, we’ve gotten questioned over why we can’t just take our kids into a McDonald’s or if they’ll be missing out on too much socially if they don’t attend Friday night football games when they’re older.  Unsolicited opinions about how parents handle their children’s special needs are yet another taboo discussion. (We had someone do this to us once about our child and they’re lucky I didn’t answer back!) Other topics that shouldn’t be touched are the amount of kids one has, if they’ll be trying for the opposite gender the next time around (when they only have kids of one gender), if they should get genetic testing done (if the child is born with a disability), if they can financially afford to have kids, etc.
Kids can’t always contain their curiosity, but adults definitely can and should contain theirs. There are plenty of safe topics to talk about with other parents. These taboo subjects don’t even need to be brought up in the first place.
What have other people said to you about your parenting choices? How did you handle it?
Melissa A. and her husband have 2 sons and a baby daughter. Melissa’s son E has hearing loss and wears a cochlear implant. Melissa works as an administrative assistant for a non-profit and also runs a bullying prevention group and a book-related fan group in addition to blogging for Empowering Parents. You can check out Melissa’s personal blog here.
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The Empowering Parents Blog values your opinions and encourages you to add your comments to this discussion. Wherever possible, we will post comments exactly as they come in. We reserve the right to edit comments for clarity, exclude questionable matters, and delete off-topic comments. We ask that you refrain from discussing topics of a political or religious nature. EP is a website that focuses on issues of child behavior and parenting. We ask that you do not promote one religious or political view over another. Unfortunately, it's not possible for us to respond to every question posted on our blog. Empowering Parents encourages its readers to participate by weighing in with suggestions and advice.
January 25th, 2012 at 11:04 am
Opinions are like noses. Everybody has one, and most could use a little adjusting (and sometimes when they make comments about parenting, I’d like to take care of that adjustment!).
We’ve become a society of ‘opinions’. We have been brainwashed into thinking that we should have an opinion on every topic that’s brought up. We are no longer a ‘curious’ society that wants to understand. Unfortunately, we’re teaching this to our kids as well. My MS child has already developed some very strong opinions about politics (given the election season). I have been pushing him to be a ‘thinker’ and to resist forming strong, inflexible opinions until he’s 98 years old.
January 25th, 2012 at 11:26 am
I think you hit nail on the head with this article. I have been fighting to stand my ground and be strong in the wake of criticism that I have received from everyone since the day my daughter was born. I knew that becoming a teenage mom was going to be hard, and that there were going to be people all over that would not be afraid to express their opinions and assumptions, though the amount of input I got from everyone was so overwhelming. It felt as though every choice I made was wrong because some one always had an alternative method and they felt their way was the one and only way. Now my daughter is 5 and in kindergarten, and I am pregnant with my second, and I have no tolerance towards nosey opinionated people. I have made it this far, my daughter is healthy even if she acts up and misbehaves, and we are all happy and that is what matters. If you do things differently or have made different choices than that is completely fine, it’s none of my business.
January 25th, 2012 at 4:00 pm
When someone asks me a question on a sensitive subject, I find it best to be totally honest. “I don’t feel that is any of your business”, or “I consider that to be private information”, even “We discuss those subjects in the privacy of our home or with trusted family members.” People who get their feelings hurt should be quiet. If they continue, I simply say, “I’m not going to discuss that with you” and turn away.
January 26th, 2012 at 8:47 am
Sharing of ideas in this age wherein information is available for everyone is very common. This is true when it comes to parenting tips and advices. Oftentimes, this sharing leads to criticism and others do not react well to the idea. As parents, we know what’s best for our children, however, sometimes it is good to seek ideas from others for viewpoints that we do not see.
January 26th, 2012 at 9:19 pm
Older people loves to gave us some advices, with the best intentions. And I hate it, they’re very superstitious and full of prejudices. To talk about parenting with my parents is to declare war, that’s the reason why I avoid that kind of conversation