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I read some wonderful research years ago (which I would credit if I could remember the author), that said parenting is so tough because you have to first create the idea in your child’s head that “Mommy and I are one” (sorry, child-rearing guys!), to give your child a sense of safety, and then, as the child matures, you create the idea in their heads that they are separate entities that must go out and create their own lives in the world and be masters of their own destinies.Â
My husband Kemuel and I each had to be both a mom and dad to our kids, so we know first-hand that these are totally different mind-states to create in your kids’ heads. Fortunately, this is a really age-related task, so you have years to move from “Mommy and I are one” to “I must kill my father to take my own place in the world” (with apologies to Oedipus!) It’s a blend, and like mixing coffees or cocktails, sometimes you need more of one, and sometimes you need more of the other.
Specific things we’ve done in this area? Well, when my daughter was young, after we finished our bedtime ritual of reading a story together and lying in bed while “A Child’s Gift of Lullabies” played (I can’t hear that CD without feeling I should find a flat surface to lie down on immediately), I would kiss her and say good night and leave the room. If she came downstairs later, I would tell her, “The Mommy shop is closed.” She needed to know that I had other things to do when she went to bed. (Things like paying bills, doing household chores, and getting ready for work the next day.) I really believe kids need to know that Mommies and Daddies are not endlessly available. After a few repetitions, she got the message and gave it up. (Of course, this is barring true emergencies – but even along those lines, on a funnier note, when the kids were teenagers, we told them that when my husband and I were in our bedroom and the door was shut, they were NOT to knock unless a) the house was on fire, and b) they had already tried to put it out and couldn’t! One of our children knocked on our door one night after it was closed, and when we asked, “Is the house on fire?” (it wasn’t), slunk away with her permission slip unsigned. She got a great lesson in explaining to her teacher why she didn’t have the slip—and learned how to budget her time better to create the outcome she wanted (going on the trip).
WHAT DOES YOUR CHILD NEED NOW? A) A GREATER SENSE OF CONNECTION, OR B) MORE ENCOURAGEMENT FOR INDEPENDENCE?
Linda Falcao is a mother, attorney, founder of the youth volunteer organization www.americaserves.net and parent blogger for EP. To read more about Linda and our other contributors, click here.
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December 17th, 2009 at 12:10 am
My child needs greater sense of connection since she’s only 2 months old. I’ll teach her how to be independent when she grows older.
December 17th, 2009 at 9:57 am
Absolutely! She’s still in the stage of needing to feel “Mommy and I are one”, and will be for a long time. Enjoy this wonderful time with her!
December 17th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
Loved the article. I am not sure what my son needs more right now. Maybe he is at the cross roads of moving from one to the other. He is a 6 yr old, bright, funny, and sensitive. Lately he has been having some melt downs and showing some regressive behavior. I don’t get it. I wonder if it is because he is sort of between these two places?
December 18th, 2009 at 10:12 am
Christene, thanks for writing. I can’t really say about your son, not knowing what else might be going on in his life, but six is definitely an age to start making the transition to the idea that he has a place in the world and you are confident he can function in it. (There’s a reason older generations referred to seven as “the age of reason,” and around that age – like six – is a real milestone in maturity- I also saw other leaps forward in my kids around 14 and 21, so seven years per stage seems to be about right). I found it helps to acknowledge to your child that they’re hitting a more challenging place in life, and encourage them by pointing out how everyone has to ramp up their game as they grow. One of my daughters, in making the transition to college, felt encouraged by my telling her the story of how in previous times in some cultures children about her age went through a rite of passage (I think I told her they were sent into the woods with a rusty knife and told to fend for themselves for a month- if they survived they would come home and assume an adult role in the tribe). I can’t vouch for the historical accuracy of this little story
, but she felt encouraged to know that making a transition to a bigger role in life was something we all go through, and was an accomplishment – and one I was on her side in making. Hope this helps! Have a wonderful holiday, Linda
December 18th, 2009 at 11:46 am
I have found that the child knows how much they can get from which adult. Parents tend to do more for the child which enables the child to act more helpless. When they are at school, the independence of the child comes out.