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Two recent articles on Empowering Parents sharply caught my attention. James Lehman’s recent article, “Differences in Parenting? How Your Child May Be Using it Against You”, and EP Editor Elisabeth Wilkins’ blog, “Is Yelling the New Spanking?” both hit home. I’m ashamed, but I must admit: My fiancé and I occasionally roar at each other in full view of the children.
The day after we hollered at one another in front of the kids, I had a “discussion” with my fiancé about our yelling. Specifically, how it’s detrimental to everyone. My point was precisely what James said in his article: “… if you disrespect your spouse in front of your kids or talk about them behind their back, you’re setting up a very serious situation.” Indeed.
My belief is that parents who openly argue with each other (in front of the kids) can unknowingly provide a subconscious opportunity for kids to divide and conquer their parents. To continue with James’ comments, open parental conflict “… is inviting your child to be disrespectful to your spouse. He will use that information to split the two of you and manipulate you against the other. And if you don’t get on the same page, that’s going to create real problems in your family.”
Openly yelling at each other not only sets parents up to be manipulated, but I think that it may frighten the kids, too, because palpable tension is embedded in the hollering. I think that fear, immature coping skills, and lack of objectivity can cause the yelling to be potentially detrimental to a child’s self-esteem — they lack the emotional language and wisdom to process painful experiences, and thus kids tend to think that they are the cause of their parents’ disharmony (which is rarely the case).
I view yelling between parents at its best, as divisive and unconstructive, and at its worst, personally and socially destructive. And I don’t like it. Okay, I loathe it. Perhaps I just have an unusual sensitivity to loud noise — that’s certainly possible. But in talking with other parents, as well as reading related articles, I sense that screaming in the household isn’t all that admirable or desirable. And it tends to be quite guilt-provoking.
So, what to do? I really want to live up to James’ admonition to “do, not say” — a more effective method of role-modeling as to how to deal respectfully with adult arguments (particularly when in front of the children). I’d like to learn constructive ways to cope with frustration that preserve the personal integrity of both parents. I’m working on it by addressing my concerns with my fiancé, as well as trying to practice the techniques in the Total Transformation Program … but I have a long way to go.
Any suggestions on how to manage open disagreement in a more mature, productive manner and reduce the amount of roaring in my den in front of the cubs?
Susan Engel is a mother of two, writer and parent blogger for EP. To read Susan’s bio, click here.
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6 Responses
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December 8th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
Susan, as you know, I can so relate to this! We try not to fight in front of our son, but when we do, we try to make a point of telling him later, “Dad and I were angry, but we solved the problem and told each other we were sorry.” (We usually do this in the car, in a casual way, just so he knows everything is OK.) I do think it’s natural for adults to get angry and argue sometimes — and I think it’s OK to tell kids that. (We’re only human, after all.) I also think that it helps children to know that a fight they’ve witnessed has been resolved, especially if they bring it up to you later.
Not sure if this will work for your family, but it’s been really helpful for ours. Good luck!
December 10th, 2009 at 9:42 am
Apologizing to your child afterward doesn’t really solve the issue at hand. It teaches the child to justify yelling (and temper tantrums by the way) in the first place. Your child will grow up to yell at you and apologize for it later.
Your child’s principals may not thank you for teaching your child how to resolve disagreements in this manner.
I think it is important to figure out why your volume escalates when disagreeing.
Are you speaking and being interrupted so you get louder to compensate?
It is a lack of respect and/or listening skills which causes one to ignore or interrupt another.
The problem may be simply to let the other’s words land first, and to mull them over before responding.
A well-thought-out reply causes less chaos in the end no matter the situation unless the question is “Do I turn left or right in 30 feet?”
December 11th, 2009 at 1:55 pm
I think I should clarify my comments a bit. I certainly wasn’t saying that you should yell at your spouse and then apologize to your child afterward. What I was trying to say was that when you *do* slip up and argue in front of your children, it’s a good thing to tell your kids later that you have resolved the conflict and apologized to your spouse (or vice versa). We always tell our son that grown-ups argue sometimes, too, and that while we are working hard at not fighting, everyone gets angry sometimes. I agree with Susan that openly yelling at your spouse is not good for kids, but my point is really that everyone is human. We are all trying our best to get it right.
By the way, I have a very dear friend whose parents never argued in front of her at all. She always says that their way of handling disagreements was worse than if they’d fought: she could feel the tension and anger in the house, but no one would ever explain why it was there. Her parents eventually divorced when she was in college. My friend then had a hard time with conflict when she first got married, because she didn’t know how to argue constructively — or how to resolve disputes, hurt feelings, or disagreements.
I think it’s important for kids to know that arguing in itself is human; it’s how we handle it that counts.
December 12th, 2009 at 6:26 pm
Elisabeth and Sarafina: I greatly appreciate your time you took to read and respond to my post! Disagreements between individuals are an inevitable part of life. It’s how we handle them that defines us, particularly as parents. I’ve heard it said that the biggest room in the world is the one for self-improvement, and that is certainly the case in my situation!
Yes, Sarafina, being interrupted does factor into the escalation of voices. That is something my fiance and I absolutely need to work on, as it is covertly (and perhaps overtly) indicating a lack of respect for another person’s thoughts and/or feelings. And that is deleterious to everyone involved — the parents as well as the children who witness/hear it. Unfortunately, it is a bad habit that I acquired in childhood — another section in that grand room of self-improvement!
Elisabeth — Your aside comment about your friend whose parents never argued in front of her rings a familiar bell, as that was the environment in which I grew up in! Unfortunately, as it was with your friend, it has probably lent itself to my mismanagement of disagreement or conflict. What was modeled to me was passive-aggressiveness and repeated interruption. Not exactly a great blueprint for adult communication, to say the least. (SIGH) While my parents didn’t divorce, I know that I felt that “anger and tension in the house” that your friend mentioned feeling.
This role of “parent” has catapulted my character defects to the forefront, providing me with numerous opportunties for growth. This is yet another significant area.
I take ALL of your comments to heart — your honest feedback and guidance is precisely what I seek when I bare my less-than-stellar parenting bones. THANK YOU!!
December 15th, 2009 at 11:42 am
I am blessed to have a family of six who very rarely argue. I grew up in a verbally abusive family and I really won’t stand for my family to be the same.
As parents we are the teachers to our children, it is our job to show them, coach them through conflict, how to handle themselves when angry, take 5 minutes away etc.
I found many times my children started to argue more and more often I would try to get to the root of it. That can be tricky. I asked the two who were fighting to do an “Envy List”. This list give 15 things they envy about each other. We ask them to read it to the other child face to face. They must maintain good eye contact.
The fighting ended. Untill the next time of course.
I can’t say enough about promoting positive behviour. Creating opportunity for the children to complement each other.
At one of our family meetings our daughter handed out mini chocolate bars she had purchased with her own money. As she gave one she was to say something abut that person she really liked and the recipient was to do the same. Surprising comments came out. At the end of it we asked the kids how did that make them feel to receive a complement and how did they feel giving one?
Creating fun loving ways to teach our children how to treat each other works really well for our family.
December 16th, 2009 at 9:41 am
Thank you so much for your comment, leeinthegrove! Getting to the root of the issue can certainly be a challenge. I really liked the “envy list” that you have the kids create and read to each other — what a great idea! And the chocolate bars with compliments approach is literally and figuratively SWEET!!
So when can I bring my kids over to your house? haha
Seriously, I appreciate your thoughtful feedback. It sounds like promoting positive interactions with others is working well for your family, so that’s incentive enough for me to give it a try! Thank you!