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We knew our son needed some help in school, but I was nervous about how to tell him about it.
To prepare, I talked with a friend about the problems he was having in school. She recommended that I check into the ARD program at our school. In our state, an ARD program is a resource to help parents of students who may be eligible for special education supports and services, and it helps parents and teachers work together to take a more active part in planning the student’s educational program.
Our school is very small, so before checking into it I wanted to discuss it with my son, TJ, who was in 3rd grade at the time. I explained that my friend’s son had an ARD and that an ARD makes sure the parents, teachers, and school administration were doing the right things to help her son succeed. Then TJ asked the question I was dreading: “Why do I need this?”
I took a deep breath and explained that he and my friend’s son, Jonathon, were both very smart, but that the way they got so smart was in a different way from how other kids got smart and that it is a less common way — so the teachers didn’t always know how to teach them. Since there are so many ways that people learn, teachers are taught in college how to teach all the “circle cookie cutter kids”. That was great since the majority of kids were circle cookies, but it didn’t work so well for the “square cookie cutter kids” like TJ and Jonathon. I went on to say that all the kids were the same (all are cookies) but they learned differently so the teachers (and parents, who mostly were circle cookies, too) needed to work on teaching square cookie cutter kids and using ARDs helped them to do that. After that he agreed that looking into the ARD program was a good idea and besides, “then Jonathan wouldn’t have to be the only one.” His consideration for others always makes my heart smile.
About a week or so after that conversation I was helping my son with math homework regarding symmetry.  On graph paper there were several pictures made using the graph squares. To make the pictures the squares on the paper were either filled in completely, or there was a filled in triangle in any of four directions. I was teaching him very carefully how to count the squares over and how to make the mirror image of the triangles so they would be filled correctly. He kept getting ahead of me and not counting and I kept trying to slow him down to “do it right.” After 15 minutes or so of us butting heads he finally threw down his pencil and said, “Mom! You are NOT a square cookie cutter!” Wow. What a revelation. I was trying to get him to do it the “right” way instead of helping him do it his way to get the right answer. My eyes were opened wider than they had been in a long time and from that point forward I took a step back and helped when HE needed it, not when I needed to help him. It was such a revelation to realize that the method in which an answer is reached is not the important part; it’s reaching the correct answer that is important.
He did it his way and made a 94 on his symmetry assignment.
This week, EP welcomes Greengirl11 to our parent blogger team! To read Greengirl11’s bio, click here.
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October 6th, 2009 at 7:05 am
That is a powerful example of how we parents can take all power away from our kids instead of empowering them to be successful individuals. This often comes up with our typical third grader and what i have to remind myself often is to teach her life skills in order to reach the correct answer. For example, “Clean your room in a way that works for you, not the way I would do it, but it still needs to be cleaned”. In this way she is challenged to come up with a variety of methods to reach the same goal. Great story, thanks for sharing.
October 6th, 2009 at 10:17 am
Greengirl11: Thanks so much for this reminder…I think all parents can really learn from this post. There are times when it’s not easy being a Square Cookie Cutter in Circle Cookie Cutter world, but your son has a wise mom who will help him grow and achieve in his own unique way. I’m going to use your example with my own son!
October 6th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
Thank you so much for your story, it really struck home. This has been one of my issues with my son, who I homeschool. He’s 9 and a very determined child who loves to take shortcuts. My fear was that if he continues this behavior and with his learning style that he wouldn’t completely understand what hs is doing; so I would give him steps to follow to help out, but he would be so resistant to it most times, so we inturn would bump heads. I knew he learned differently but I didn’t know how to apply what I knew to make things easier. Mid summer he and I started discussing how we can make this year better. I gave him 3 things that I wanted him to work on and he gave me 3, we promised one another that we would work on each others issues. That was a really great moment for us, we were on our way! A few days ago we had a rough start that morning, I said to him that I didn’t think he was trying,……..that’s when we had our “Mom! You are NOT a square cookie cutter!” moment!!!!!!!!! AAAHAH! But, the way that you wrote it was the way that I needed to read it…..” I was trying to get him to do it the “right” way instead of helping him do it his way to get the right answer. My eyes were opened wider than they had been in a long time and from that point forward I took a step back and helped when HE needed it, not when I needed to help him. It was such a revelation to realize that the method in which an answer is reached is not the important part; it’s reaching the correct answer that is important.” ]So True! I will practice this!
Thank you,
October 9th, 2009 at 1:15 pm
You’re welcome and thank you ALL for your positive comments to my blog. This “ah-hah” moment was one of the biggest I’ve ever had with my son TJ and I am glad to share it. I talked about it with him after writing this and he doesn’t even remember the situation clearly but it is one that comes to mind almost daily as I remind myself that he learns differently than I do. Thanks again for the positive responses!