Bullying– It Ain’t Just for Big Kids Any more
Posted By: Elisabeth Wilkins, EP Editor
Category: Aggression, Bullying, Parenting Skills, School, Younger Children
Comments: 17
Jessica tells Sophie she can’t play dress-up with her and her group of friends because Sophie doesn’t watch Hannah Montana. Three boys form a “gang” at day camp and terrorize the rest of the kids during free time. Pop Quiz: How old are the kids I’m talking about here?
A) Teen-agers or pre-teens
B) Elementary school students
C) Pre-schoolers and kindergartners
If you guessed “C”, you’re right. Bullying has trickled down to the toddler set, if you can believe it. They’re calling this “Barbie Brat Bullying.” (Ugh. I wish they could come up with a better name, but there you have it.) I’ve seen it at my son’s pre-school, where kids are already savvy about the coolest TV shows to watch and know who the hottest singers are– and they exclude other kids who aren’t hip. I’m not anti-entertainment, and believe me, my son watches TV and movies with the best of them. (Case in point–he tells people he can’t wait until he turns “PG13.”) I guess what I object to is the fact that materialism has, in some ways, replaced simple, imaginative play. And kids are adept at turning “things” into something over which to compete. I’m not ready to go back to Little House on the Prairie days, but I do sometimes long for more simplicity in our lives. I just can’t imagine Laura and Mary Ingalls arguing over who was going to play Grand Theft Auto next, you know? Anyway, for better or worse, we’re living in the age of technology and media influences, so we have to learn to find our way–and teach our kids how to be humane– in this strange new world we’ve built.
I don’t have any solutions for young child bullying, but my instincts tell me that the greatest way to combat it is to teach and foster empathy in kids from an early age. Small children get this right away–at heart I think they’re naturally caring. (Maybe not when you’re trying to take a fistful of pinata candy away, but in general, they get what it means to be loving much more quickly than we jaded adults do, in my opinion.) At our house, we try to talk a lot about how other people might feel when they’re excluded. When I catch my son teasing another child, I sit him down then and there to talk about why that feels bad. It’s the only method I can think of that might influence how he treats other people down the road.
How about you? Have any of you seen this kind of bullying firsthand with your young (or not so young) kids? And what do you teach your own children about it? Any thoughts, ideas and suggestions are welcome!
17 Responses
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July 15th, 2008 at 9:07 am
This is happening with my 4 yo daughter in our neighborhood. One 5 yo girl in particular picks on the rest and decides who is “in” and who is “out”. It drives me crazy! the end result is that my daughter doesn’t like to play with those girls any more and has found some new friends.
July 15th, 2008 at 10:18 am
My daughter has, for the past 6 months, and is still being excluded by the neighborhood “in” girls, who live right across the street, so it’s pretty difficult to watch for her and I. My heart breaks seeing whats going on. I wonder how my daughter’s self-esteem will be affected long term by this. A few weeks ago they told my daughter to “get lost”. They naturally denied it when I asked them, very nicely if they could all just play together. I then talked to the other parent, thinking “open communication” is the best policy. She then decided to sit them all down for a little pep talk and to set out some ground rules. Just before she did, the other girls pressured my daughter into lying to cover for them so they wouldn’t get in trouble. So, she lied and told the other Mom that they really didn’t tell her to get lost. My daughter came to me the next morning and told me how she lied to protect them. The other parent now has the satisfaction of thinking my daughter is a liar. Where does a parent draw the line? Part of me thinks this is all part of growing up and another part is telling me to set the record straight. Open communication isn’t the answer. Nothing has changed.
July 15th, 2008 at 10:27 am
Anne: Try reading this article by bullying expert Peggy Moss, J.D. I think there might be some good tips you might apply here to help your daughter.
http://www.empoweringparents.com/mean-girls-bullying.php
One thing Peggy stresses is to work with your child to come up with some ways she might deal with the bullying herself. I like this approach because the result is that it empowers your child. You can also do some role plays with your daughter to help her practice what to say next time it happens.
I believe bullying is one of the toughest situations we can go through–it’s hard for child and parent alike. Hang in there, and let us know if things improve!
July 15th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
I know my thought is probably wrong. My granddaughter(11) is being bullied in a facebook by a girl she thinks she knows and a boy from the school. They both call her “fat”…I just said that that is stupid behavior and to say “Well, I can get over being fat, can you get over being stupid…thats harder?”
I’m not with her often and can’t monitor her whereabouts…I can only suggest to Mom.
July 16th, 2008 at 10:56 am
I can say with 100% certainty that your child will survive ‘early-childhood’ bullying much better if you let them try to work it out themselves rather than ‘helicoptering’ over them and trying to fix everything for them. You have to face facts: Some kids don’t get along with other kids. Just because you live in a Utopian neighborhood - it doesn’t mean that the younger residents of that area will blend - likewise - lifelong friendships that start at pre-school ages in ghettos are a reality. You have to look past the moment and see the greater picture. Perhaps the girls who are excluding your child are being TOLD to by their parents - perhaps they are simply reacting to human nature in that there are certain behavioral characteristics that we all carry around and some of our beliefs and behaviors are simply not universal. Being broken hearted because your child doesn’t get included in the most popular clique or because these girls won’t play with your child is temporary and you cannot change that. Trying to do so will cause more long term grief for your child than simply letting nature take its course. You have to let your kids grow through these times and learn there are differences all around. Everyone does not fit somewhere simply because they are told to fit.
July 22nd, 2008 at 8:33 am
My experience is somewhat mixed. When my son was younger he was the one that other boys hit and he did nothing. He is now six and we have noticed that does little things that are just rotten. My husband and I are concerned that the little behaviors are bullying the other kids. For example, the little push down the slide or the little elbow as he is walking by or excluding the boy who is two years younger and always hanging around. But then there are other times when he insists that the boy who is excluded by the other kids is included in their play. He is a very physical boy at times and has a hard time recognizing the boundaries or being in tune to how he plays with some boys is not liked by other boys. We spend a good deal of time discussing empathy and the feelings of others but it seems to stop at the ear and not process. Therefore my husband are left wondering will this play out and let him learn by the social interactions of peers. Or do we having a little bully in the making.
July 22nd, 2008 at 8:41 am
My son (10) has been the target of other boys because we don’t allow him to play T & M games or watch PG13 movies. Barry’s view of these issues is a bit naive. It’s really hard when you’re the odd man out - smaller in stature, glasses wearer and with parents who limit your violence quotient. We’re trying to give him the tools to deal with it but he does feel left out quite alot.
July 22nd, 2008 at 8:48 am
Kelly - I did not mean to minimize - simply to generalize. My only point was that not all kids fit in to the same box. If your child is the smaller, glasses wearing, violence limited, odd man out - there is still, most likely, a group of like minded well rounded kids that he will bond with at some point. The idea that everyone should simply just ‘get along’ is the naive part. Forcing your child to associate with other children that either are raised differently - or simply have different perspectives on their world is not the solution. Offer the support YOU know your child needs and the rest will, eventually, take care of itself.
July 22nd, 2008 at 10:14 am
Teri,
I think you’re asking a good question. It’s easy to understand how a child could “learn” how to bully other kids after he’s been picked on himself. In fact, I think that happens to a lot of children out there–they decide the best defense is a good offense, so to speak. It sounds like you’re doing exactly the right thing by talking to him about what’s going on, and noticing when he’s being physical with other kids. What’s worked well for our family is to enroll our son in a good karate program. The teacher does not emphasize aggression, but self-defense. And he talks about bullying in class quite a bit: focusing on both how to protect yourself from bullies, and the fact that it’s wrong to engage in it. If you decide to go this route, talk to the teacher first and ask other parents to make sure you find the right program for your son. (Your local Y will probably have a program. Community centers often have them, too.) This really worked wonders for our five-year-old after he was pushed around by more aggressive boys in his class. (By the way, when the bullying was happening, we also noticed that he was lashing out at home and around the friends he felt “safe” with.) It’s a confidence builder and burns off energy, to boot. There are probably other good sports or activities that you could get him involved in to address what’s going on, but this is what worked for us. Good luck, and let us know how it goes!
July 28th, 2008 at 10:45 pm
My 15 y/o son has been diagnosed with sensory integration disorder. He is very perseptive, but also sensitive and shy as a result. Because he does not make friends easily, he can be the butt of jokes and teasing, some mean-spirited and some in just good natured fun(if there is such a thing). Usually, our son will take and take this until he “erupts”, usually in a very aggressive,physical manner and as a result, then feels bad about himself….it is a viscous cycle. Often fatique and hunger play a role. Kids can be cruel, but our son also needs to be able to deal more effectively, recognize when he is at his limit. I am reading “How to win friends and influence People” by Dale Carnegie and also a book on Anger Management. The concern I have is that there are different things in life stages which come up that frustrate anyone, annoy all of us, fatique us mentally and physically. As a parent, I am not alwyas going to be around. How do I teach this teenager to recognize the “warning signs” within himself and prevent future outburst? I don’t want him to be the victem, but I don’t want him to injure someone else either.
August 18th, 2008 at 6:15 pm
I have twin boys who just turned 13. Ryan will bully Kevin into whatever it is he wants. He also calls him names, tells him he’s fat(which he’s not), teases him constantly with words or just a look so that I am not hearing it and it sets Kevin off. I need some skills to help Kevin in dealing with his brother. I think he genuinely wants to be Ryan’s friend but it always has to be on Ryan’s terms. Ignoring him is not the option because Kevin is a very sensitive boy and it really bothers him. We have spoken to the both of them numerous times and nothing seems to get through to Ryan. HELP!!!
March 6th, 2009 at 10:22 am
Kids are cruel. They, at times can be worse than a bunch of animals. I think the trick is to get them to realize how the other child/children is feeling. It seems that when a group of bullies are together it gets worse. I agree that it is best to just let it go. That is, to a point. There are times that you feel that you must intervene. Try talking to the bullies yourself. Trying to get them to understand that they may be strong today, but there is always someone stronger. What are they going to do then? Then there are the parents. They are not always the answer, sometimes they are the problem. I do like the idea of taking a self defense class. If your child is not physical this may not work either. Time usually works these things out. I know it is hard to wait when your child is suffering. Keep supporting them and let them know as they get older they will get stronger. Both mentally and phisically.
March 31st, 2009 at 9:51 pm
I see this in kids younger and younger. I see it within families, siblings, stepsiblings ect. What is really sad is that often the parents of these little bullies “can’t” teach empathy because they have none themselves. I want to spit when I hear that “kids will be kids”. I think these parents are just plain lazy and selfish. They don’t want to be bothered with teaching their children the basic human behaviors. They are the ones who don’t care what their kids watch on tv/computers/video games/music, never check on if the child is doing homework yet blames the school when their child is failing. These little bullies live by example. My suggestion is to be the positive example. I have often invited the neighborhood bully along with other children over for some fun activity and set down rules - let them all know I expect them to treat each other kindly or they won’t be able to play. I usually have some really fun activity and snacks ready so the kids really want to be there. And I stay with them and monitor and guide them. It’s pretty amazing how these little bullies thrive and some positive and structured attention. Some of the worse little bullies I know are now like adopted children to me. I find that instead of watching on the sidelines getting upset did me no good. Complaining to the kids parents can make things worse. Talking to the school often has no effect. I chose to step up and be a mentor of some sort when I can. At the same time it’s teaching my daughter that some people act in anger because they just need others to teach them to be kind, I tell her that maybe noone has ever taught them how to be nice or loved them. She has a very kind and forgiving heart and often will step up when she see’s others bullying someone. She has some friends that initially were her bulliers. These are good kids and love coming to our house. They follow the rules often better then my own daughter!! And they seem very eager to get my approval. I don’t let them play vid games ect. Usually we do actual activities/crafts/games/ect. They love charades - an excellant game to act out good lessons.
April 1st, 2009 at 8:07 am
Jennifer: This is such excellent advice. Thank you for sharing it! I think role modeling how we want our kids to behave — including showing empathy and kindness — is one of the most important things a parent can do.
April 14th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
There’s a great non-profit organization that is trying to address this very problem among women of all ages. Visit it’s website, KindCampaign.com for more information!
It’s time we spoke up on this very distressing issue!! Join the movement!
July 6th, 2009 at 1:08 am
Wendy, I hope you still read this site. I also have twin boys. They are 19 months old and already I have one that bullies the other. Colton has always been the more aggressive and Hayden is definitely, shall I say, more laid back. Colton pushes, grabs, and intimidates his brother to the point that if Hayden has a toy and sees Colton get up, Hayden will run away screaming even before Colton shows aggression. I am currently searching for information on how to handle this. I am scared that if I dont address this early my boys will not get along as they grow and I worry that the bullying could extend outside of the home by one or the other of the boys. I want to address Colton’s bullying, but also empower Hayden on appropriate ways to handle bullying so that he may be able to defend himself through out life. I believe this originated as sibling rivalry. I believe that twins especially are in constant competition for their parents individual attention. I believe my husband and I have been very aware of splitting our attention between the two (even though we struggle to ensure extended families do the same…as I said, Colton is more outgoing and thus receives much more attention outside of our home). We even split the boys, one parent with one boy, making sure that we rotate who was with who. Well to end this post, I was just wondering if anyone had tips to deal especially with twins at age 19 months when toddlers think they are the center of the world! On a side note, we have noticed that Hayden has began to defend himself more, but we fear that he does this out of extreme anger and fear that now we need to not only empower him to defend himself against bullies, but also how to tame the anger!
November 21st, 2009 at 10:11 pm
Hi Marla. Interested in how you dealt with bullying from one twin to another. Please write back and we can share ideas. -Mary MaryHomes1@gmail.com