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As a parent of two children who have gone through a bullying episode, I can tell you that the emotional, mental and physical stress can be overwhelming for both children and parents. After all, as a parent your natural instincts tell you loud and clear to protect your children against the forces that cause them pain — whether it’s mental, emotional or physical.
In our case, it was verbal abuse by other students toward our two boys, who were 12 and 9 at the time. They were both subjected to name-calling (they were called things like “fatty” and “crybaby”) and false accusations by other students. Although not physically harmful, it was causing mental and emotional distress to our children. This was hard enough to prove, as they would have had to carry a recording device to record everything said during the course of the day in order to “catch” the bullies.
Our children had no trouble making friends, but because of the verbal bullying by some students, they found it very difficult to keep friends. This was mainly because their friends were afraid that they would be the next target for these bullies. They also refused to stick up for our children when asked by teachers or the principal if anything that was reported to them was true. The worst part was when the teachers and principal would defend the bullies to us. Pretty soon, they started to just ignore our complaints entirely.
It was then that we decided to ask our local school board to have our children transferred to a different school. This was another battle all together. My daughter was going to attend junior high and we thought this would be the opportune time to have our two boys transferred to different schools at the same time. This, however was not as easy as it seemed. As the school year progressed, so did our battle with the school board. The school year was three quarters over by the time we were finally able to get our boys transferred to their new schools, but they only did it after my husband and I agreed to the conditions that the school board put forth. Because we wanted our two boys transferred, we had no choice but to agree.
The impact that this whole episode has had on our children has left them scarred, but as they say, time heals all wounds. It took a full year for our boys to recover somewhat from this experience. Our youngest boy was emotionally upset and had frequent episodes of crying. Our oldest boy would just shut down and do nothing for his teachers: no writing, no reading, no homework, nothing. Sometimes I resorted to doing his homework for him so he would not get into trouble with his new teachers, but he would do it most times, reluctantly and with help from me.
I thank God for both my boys’ new teachers and principals — they had the patience of Job when dealing with our boys. They were understanding and caring, and those two traits got our boys to open up somewhat and start to trust again. (We’re still working on that one!)
Since then, the school board has implemented the use of video surveillance cameras in our schools, which has become an even more controversial subject among many parents and students — but this is another topic for another blog!
Empowering Parents welcomes Anita Johnston to the EP Parent Blogger team. To read more about Anita and all our contributing bloggers, please click here.
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14 Responses
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October 27th, 2009 at 7:56 am
I think the schools and many parents are taking bullying too far. My son was falsely punished because some students reported to the principal that he “would” say some things that another child told on him for.
We have got to draw the line somewhere. Our children are going to grow up, and not have mommy and daddy taking care of their every little battle or conflict that they run into. They will always run into someone, a coworker, or who ever, that is going to say something they don’t like or agree with.
My husband and I certainly do not tolerate bullying, or starting fights, but we tell them to stick up for themselves if someone is antogonizing them. Our particular situation is very frustrating because noone actually heard my son say these things, it’s simply “he said, she said” and that is just wrong. Not to mention, that the other kids are now making my son a spectacle, saying ” he got in trouble”.
And I’m sorry, but transferring your kids to another school, is teaching them to run away from their problems, and that’s just not how you become a successful, well-balanced adult. We cannot keep our kids tucked safely away in a perfect cacoon of a world. They have to learn that it takes courage and strength, which we attain through our Lord and Saviour, to keep our head held high in the face of our enemies.
And, I certainly do not want to belittle any circumstances that have resulted in death, or violence, because clearly that is not acceptable, and there should be boundaries. The point I really want to make is that I feel we are getting a little too carried away on a lot of these situations, that truely need to be worked out between the children. My oldest child has Tourette Syndrome, and ADHD, and kids make fun of him. We tell him that most kids say those kinds of things because they are insecure, and don’t understand how to deal with others who are different. He feels sad sometimes, and it is hurtful, but deep down he knows that the things other people say don’t have to determine the kind of person he is.
October 27th, 2009 at 11:05 am
The sad state of affairs is parents who say things like children need to learn to deal with other kids because mean things will be said to them throughout their life. I’m 40 years old and people don’t say mean things or do mean things to me. I never have to deal with behavior like that. Co-workers who are verbally abusive are fired, they are not tolerated. There are remedies under the law for adult bullying and should be for adolescent bullying. An adult bully can be sued civilly and can be charged with assault or harrasment It is not accepted. Why in the world should any child have to deal with verbal abuse or, worse, physical abuse from peers? They shouldn’t. Parents with bullying children make every excuse in the book why their child shouldn’t be held responsible for reprehensible behavior. Teach your children to be kind and tolerant; but given the excuses you make, I see why your child has problems and probably always will.
October 27th, 2009 at 11:21 am
All 3 of our children have been bullied, called names and physically attacked. Our 2 oldest finally found the way to stand up for themselves, even if those episodes left some scars. But the worse is our third boy, now in 8th grade. He was physically pushed, verbally assaulted and is now also isolated. Even if the school tried to work with him, he ended being punished after each incident, because the witnesses would take side with the bullies. Fortunately some incident were witnessed by teachers. Both parties were then punished. He used to be a fun little boy, but the damage is done. He is lonely and has forgotten how to be a happy, nice kid when he is with peers. Adults on the other hand find him ” such a great, fun and helpful kid!” Bullying has taught him that you have to be nasty and push people around to be taken seriously or to have friends. The parents of the kids who were caught bullying him never believed that their sons and daughters are capable of it, but the facts were there. Once a kid has a reputation it’s hard for him to change it, even if his actions show changes. So I think that the parents were right to expect a bully free environment for their children and changing school might provide them with some respite from the aggressiveness.
October 27th, 2009 at 3:50 pm
I can appreciate both view points, and I did not say I agree with physical harm or threats among children. The issue I have is the “he said, she said” that happens all the time between adolescents. It turns out that this particular child doesn’t like my son, and is trying to get him in trouble, and since he is seen as the victim, crying to the teacher, my son has no voice, and now feels the adults in his school won’t believe him. Do you think that’s an environment kids should tolerate? If there was no doubt that my son said these things, and he still holds firm to his innocence, then I would punish him along with the school.
The above story states that her children were called names, and she moved them to a different school. There’s a difference between someone being rude to you versus physically abusing, or threatening.
Also, I can think of many times that I’ve had to deal with a rude co-worker, or even someone in the checkout line, and I don’t quit my job, or run out of the store crying.
October 27th, 2009 at 9:53 pm
Teach the kids and teach everyone: If you feel like hitting someone, shut up and leave the room.
Leave the house. If someone is getting angry or hitting you, back away. If they are dangerous, leave the room or leave the house. Call 9-1-1. Donât put up with it.
Teach kids that when someone is hitting someone, and if you are bigger than he is, or if you have him
outnumbered, then hold him. Donât hit him; just hold him. Tell him âNo hitting.â Hold him and tell him to calm down. If kids are fighting, grab them both and stop the fight.
Teach kids that law applies to them. Teach kids to speak up for the other kids who are being beaten
and demand that it stop. Teach them to be little lawyers for each other. Teach them to call 9-1-1. Teach them to appeal to higher authority until the violence stops. Teach them to file suit. Teach them that the rule against ârattingâ is the devil talking. If someone is beating on someone, you have to stop him, and you must report him. Adults are asleep on this point. We enforce laws against adults hitting adults and laws against adults hitting kids, but we accept it as a given that kids will beat up other kids.
The right not to be assaulted is the most important law. Kids assault kids on a regular basis. If adults did to adults the things kids do to kids, they would go to jail.
So as a lawyer my goal is to start a No Hitting organization and go into elementary schools and teach kids their rights and that they should assert them.
October 27th, 2009 at 10:37 pm
Wow, Anita! Thanks for your courage to be honest about this situation. It is a real eye-opener, and my heart goes out to you and your children. I don’t have any answers or advice — just a sympathetic ear. I support you for you doing what you felt was best for your kids. People will always have opinions about things, particularly parenting styles. And sadly, we (okay, I speak solely for myself here) tend to learn parenting lessons after the fact …
Again, thank you for sharing your story! It really made me THINK, which is always a good thing to do when you have kids who will probably, at some point in their lives, be bullied or (we hope not) be the bully.
October 28th, 2009 at 9:02 am
Anita, thank you for sharing this story. I understand your reason for moving your kids to another school, and it sounds like your strategy has paid off.
My friend’s brother was bullied so badly in school that he became profoundly depressed and actually stopped speaking — he literally became mute for 4 years. The best thing for that little boy would have been to move him to another school and get him into counseling. So I understand why you did what you did. I also think that teaching resilience is very important. There’s a great article on EP about bullying that I’d like to share here:
http://www.empoweringparents.com/My-Child-is-Being-Bullied.php
Thanks, Anita, and welcome to EP!
October 28th, 2009 at 11:48 am
Children can’t leave school, especially if the teachers and/or staff are not believing what they say. If a child is coming home crying and upset every day, it is not just unkind words. Adults have had years to learn to deal with bad behavior and mean co-workers. They have options children do not. Take the “you’ll learn by unkind words” factor out.
Some children cannot “grab” other children to make them quit hitting, oh, but that is their fault, not the child who is hitting them’s fault. Do people hear themselves.
The basic fact is that bullying, any kind of bullying, is wrong. If it makes a child upset and incapable of doing their school work it has gone way too far. Words hurt and children are rarely capable of dealing with it. Children are sensitive to peer pressure. It is a fact. People who tell children to toughen up and make excuses for the bully are bulies themselves.
October 28th, 2009 at 7:12 pm
Hi to everyone, and thank you for the responses, they’re all important to me as it gives me insight into how other people feel on this subject. Although it seems it is a touchy one everyone is entitled to their own opinions, and I appreciate them whether I agree with them or not.
I did what I thought was best for my boys and yes, it paid off in the long run. I had them transfered when I did because it was just starting to escalate to physical abuse by other students, by this I mean being pushed on the play ground, getting purposely tripped, and shoved off of play ground equipment, and rather than see my kids in the hospital or Heaven forbid in intensive care or the morgue I thought it was best for them and their safety to transfer them.
The name calling, although hurtful, was easy enough to deal with, we would tell our boys to just walk away and ignore them, it was the other students problem if they couldn’t hold their tongue and had no manners, or better yet were never taught by their parents this one simple phrase, “If you have nothing nice to say then don’t say anything at all.”
I also agree with James Robert Deal — we should educate our children and turn them into “Little Lawyers”. After this incident we started teaching all our kids about the laws of abuse, whether it be verbal, physical,mental, or emotional. If they had a problem, whether it be in school or on the bus ride to and from school, we encouraged them to take it to the higher authority. We even bought the two oldest ones cell phones so they have instant access to a phone if the need ever arises to dial 9-1-1, either for their own safety or someone elses.
October 28th, 2009 at 11:08 pm
I think moving the children to another school taught them that there are always options available. There’s nothing wrong with making a positive change to address a negative one, especially when it can go on for years. Life is too short – there’s no guilt in seeking out paths to peace and happiness.
November 1st, 2009 at 9:14 pm
Hi,
Good for you for protecting your children. I would do that same. My daughter has dealt with some “suggestions” from a “friend” about everything from waxing her eyebrows to curling her hair. The funny thing is I do believe it is more of a jealousy thing. I know this because the little girl is now copying her style. This is my famous line to my two children. “If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing”.
May your children be safe.
Sincerely,
Rebecca
November 2nd, 2009 at 11:57 am
Thank you for the comments. I look forward to reading every single one of them, so keep commenting I check everyday so that I can reply back to those who leave a comment. Those words were taught to me as a child and were passed on to my children, it is one of the best life lessons you can teach your child. I hope my children will pass it on to their children, if not I will be. If it is not instilled into your childs everyday life, where will they pick up and learn their manners from, heaven forbid from the child that bullies.
November 10th, 2009 at 9:25 pm
I recently heard John Halligan speak about bullying and especially about cyberbullying. With today’s electronic media, there are so many more ways to bully non-stop. He has dedicated a website in his son’s memory to protecting children from bullying. His website is http://www.RyanPatrickHalligan.org He has a list of resources to use to help prevent and stop bullying.
November 16th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
Bullying is such an emotional topic because there are so many shades of it and it affects children more than we know. I was bullied all my life, but since there was no name for it “way” back then I didn’t even realize. I just moved further and further into my shadows of shyness.
Now I’m a mother and I’m like a lioness out to protect my children’s spirit. I was inspired to write the Tomgirlz chapter book series and now the newest book, ABBEY’S TURN, tackles the issues of bullying, teasing, and childhood obesity.