The Homework Wars: Stuck in the Trenches
Posted By: Susan Engel
Category: Homework, School
Comments: 19
The school year is in full swing now, and we are back to three hours of homework every night, various physical and mental antics done in order to avoid homework, and the kids calling each other names. That encompasses the majority of what “back to school” means for this mom.
What? That’s not normal? What is “normal”, anyway? The only “normal” that I know of is a setting on a dryer. That’s about as much familiarity as I have with “normal”. And when it comes to kids and homework, I feel like I’m the clothes tumbling in a dryer.
I have two sons: a 1st- and a 4th-grader. Both boys are rambunctious and both sometimes find focusing a challenge. I am a female and the eldest of two girls. Now I am no saint, but I don’t recall needing to have a parent hover over me to do my homework or feel a sporadic need to wallop my sister on the back for no apparent reason. Yet this is my lot in life — my job in dealing with it is just one big growth opportunity.
Battle-weary from last year’s homework wars, I have resolved to try something different this school year. I am currently working out a homework schedule for both kids — a schedule that is based on expectations, rewards, and consequences. This is new territory for me. I do not remember being on any “homework schedule” growing up. And rewards? Hmf. My “rewards” as a child were avoiding the negative consequences of not doing it — usually in the form of removing certain privileges such as, say … breathing. (Okay, that’s not really true.) But the consequences — called “punishment” back then — were still quite palpable. Mind you, this was before computers and cell phones governed our lives — they simply were not available or were so big and slow that using them was a painfully arduous endeavor.
And the name-calling issue? Less than two weeks back into the school year and my 9 year-old is already being called a “scaredy cat”. Precisely what he’s supposed to be afraid of remains a mystery — my son could not come up with a reason why he was being called a “scaredy cat”. Either he doesn’t know why, doesn’t remember why, or simply doesn’t want to tell me. So, there you have it: a great example of fantastic parent-child communication to start off the new school year.
I hope that our new homework schedule will increase my sons’ ability to focus on the emotional and tangible rewards of scholastic achievement as opposed to say … playing “whomp-my-brother-on-the-back-and-run-to-avoid-doing-homework” game. Wish me luck.
Empowering Parents welcomes Susan Engel to the EP Parent Blogger team. To read more about Susan and all our contributing bloggers, please click here.
19 Responses
If you find any comments that are rude or inappropriate, please contact us immediately.
Leave a Comment
The Empowering Parents Blog values your opinions and encourages you to add your comments to this discussion. Wherever possible, we will post comments exactly as they come in. We reserve the right to edit comments for clarity, exclude questionable matters, and delete off-topic comments. We ask that you refrain from discussing topics of a political or religious nature. EP is a website that focuses on issues of child behavior and parenting. We ask that you do not promote one religious or political view over another. Unfortunately, it's not possible for us to respond to every question posted on our blog. Empowering Parents encourages its readers to participate by weighing in with suggestions and advice.
October 20th, 2009 at 6:03 am
Try the “10 Minute” Rule - 10 minutes of homework per grade level per night. 5th graders do 50 minutes, 9th graders do 90 minutes, etc.
“Mandatory Homework Time” - an uninterrupted block of time during which homework is to be done. It should start and stop at the same time each day, Monday through Thursday. They should do another block of time between Friday and Sunday, with the condition that SOME TIME MUST BE SPENT ON SUNDAY AFTERNOON to prepare for return to school on Monday.
If the child completes the written assignments before the end of MHT, then they are to use the balance of the time to review / rewrite their notes, study vocab, etc.
Use the homework assignment tablet - write down all assignments in the HW tablet AS SOON AS THE TEACHER GIVES THE ASSIGNMENT.
Parents should check the HW assignment tablet as soon as the child gets home from school and then insist on checking the completed homework at the end of Mandatory Homework Time.
October 20th, 2009 at 7:51 am
I have 1 grandchild that is having trouble in school. At times she can’t seem to spell her name but then can spell and read as well as the next child. She has been through a lot in her 8 years but has a good support system. How do you help them to care about their school work? Self-esteem issuses for sure. I know that she does not give 100% in school or sports. How to help her is a mystery. Hope you have some advice.
M-grandmother
October 20th, 2009 at 8:51 am
Yes, the homework wars can be wearying. I, too, do not remember my parents overseeing any of my schoolwork. I simply wouldn’t even dream of not getting it done to the absolute best of my ability. Now, our singleton daughter is quite bright, yet needs to be tied down to get her reading done. This year, 7th grade, we are finally starting to see her be more responsible about remembering to bring the correct books and papers home. I don’t know if that’s just a function of maturity, or my husband threatening to show up before dismissal every day to stand with her at her locker to make sure she packs everything she needs! But over the years, I was always driving her back to school to get something she forgot, having worksheets faxed to us from schoolmates, etc. I now recognize the error of those ways. Since Mommy would rescue her every time, she wasn’t learning self-reliance. I urge readers to not follow that path.
I am also surprised that the blogger’s kids have three hours of homework in 1st and 4th grades! That seems a little excessive. Our daughter’s parochial school instituted a policy of no homework on weekends this year. No Monday tests, no projects due on Monday, etc. It’s been great. They must read, of course, over the weekends, which is where our struggle remains.
Best of luck to everyone tackling the joys and challenges of parenthood!
October 20th, 2009 at 9:18 am
I feel compelled to add an amendment to my above post: My 4th-grader is the one who had three hours’ worth of homework. My 1st-grader spends about 60 minutes or so on his homework, and his homework is due at the end of the week — unlike my elder son, who’s homework must be turned in daily.
My thanks to eslgoddess for bringing this to attention. I apologize for the miscommunication.
October 20th, 2009 at 9:53 am
Susan, thanks for your great post and welcome to the EP Parent Blogger team. I’ve found that the biggest challenge in our house is finding a consistent time to do homework, especially when you add in afterschool activities. I’m now trying to get my son to do his homework when he gets home, right after he has a snack and unwinds a little. Just wondering what you and other parents do in this regard?
October 20th, 2009 at 10:26 am
I found your blog churning up memories that aren’t so fond. In response to the 3-hours of homework we also had to deal with that but it wasn’t that a fourth grader had 3-hours of homework it was that MY fourth grader made his homework last 3-hours, sometimes longer (but yes, sometimes shorter). He did this for many years and though he is a freshman now and gets the majority of his work done at school we are now dealing with his memory and organization of getting everything turned in! If it’s not one thing it’s another. Thanks so much for sharing. We’ve come so far since that age but yet have so much further to go.
In response to Elisabeth’s post, we have done the “home, snack, homework” plan and it works beautifully for my younger son who is now in 6th grade (and not ADD) but I have mixed results with my older son (with ADD) whose biggest challenge is remembering that he even HAS homework and then having the correct material he needs to complete it… and the turning in of the finished work the next day. ugh
October 20th, 2009 at 10:51 am
I too struggle with the homework wars with a 9 yr old
boy. He can turn a math sheet that should take 15 mins
into 5 hrs of homework. He simply sets there and looks
at refusing to write anything on it or read it. He does
the same with some of his work at school as well. He
completed a multiple choice reading assignment the
other day with our reading the story or any of the
questions. The sad thing it I was slightly happy that
he at least turned it in. I really do not know what to
do. We have tried rewards and punishment. Just refuses t
to work. Says he doesn’t want too. The sad think is -
he is well behave in most other areas.
October 20th, 2009 at 12:32 pm
I love your article! I can really identify.
First off, let me say you are the first person who has mentioned my favorite quote of “Honey, normal is just a setting on the dryer.” I actually have a plaque in the laundry room and most people are confounded by the saying. Perhaps it is the placement that is throwing them off, thinking it is a directional of dryer settings. But when I first heard that saying, life became much easier for me. So, kudos to you for adopting it too!
I went into culture shock when my son (now 11) entered Kindergarten. What is it with the views of homework, discipline and expectations with the kids now-a-days? I was shocked to find my son didn’t care about any of it, let alone that he wasn’t terrified of not doing it perfectly and turning it in on time neat as a pin with the fear of nothing less than eternal damnation if he didn’t! Well, he is now 11, is home schooled and still has absolutely not let up in the avoidance of “home work”… or as it now is “all of the work”. The homework struggle was a large part of my decision to home school him. I was spending so much time with him on homework, I figured I could use the time during the day to teach him to understand it as he had tremendous focusing problems and just getting the assignments written down correctly was an enormous accomplishment.
So, we have been off the dryer settings for many, many years now. But from what I’ve heard from almost all of the other moms of boys, massive homework avoidance and slip-shod minimal work (if they can get away with it) is the new normal. But I have to say, I don’t really want my clothes to be dried “slip-shod minimal”. Unfortunately I have cornered the market myself on laundry “avoidance”. No need for a setting there.
Well, as am avoiding laundry as I type, computer keyboard and mouse to my son’s computer craftily hidden away until his work is completed, I, too, should put away my computer activities until my work has been done for the day. I guess I am the poster mom for “do as I say, not as I do”. My new dryer setting for my old dryer.
October 20th, 2009 at 9:59 pm
Wow! My heartfelt THANKS to all of you who took the time to read and especially respond to my blog! I am very grateful to all of you for your suggestions regarding the homework battles.
I will do my best to reply to each note — please bear with me:
* Brother Kevin: Thank you for your suggestions regarding the “10 Minute Rule”! I sure wish that my kids could accomplish that, but the amount of homework they have seems to include it, unfortunately. I wish that my kids’ teachers could read your note to me! =) And the “homework tablet” is a fantastic tool — my 4th-grader would be completely LOST if he didn’t write down his daily assignments while in class (where he could ask the teacher for clarification BEFORE he came home and shrugged his shoulders when we asked him about his homework assignments). Oh - and we do check the kids’ assignments when they gets home and then again when they say are finished (which, of course, doesn’t always correspond to whether they truly ARE finished).
*M-grandmother: Again, thanks for taking the time to leave me a comment! My heart goes out to you — you obviously care very deeply for your granddaughter. I wish that I had some sage advice regarding how to motivate your granddaughter, but alas … the best I can do is be empathetic. As Lisa (above) said, it seems like kids these days — for whatever reason — seem to lack concern about “homework, discipline, and expectations”. The internal motivation just doesn’t seem to be there like it was with us. Or perhaps it’s the external motivation. I sure hope that you keep me posted on what eventually works for your granddaughter. I urge other readers to comment on how to cultivate scholastic motivation — seems like quite a few of us could use some pointers!
*eslgoddess: Wooo boy, can I relate to going back to school to get “forgotten” homework! Yep — been there, done that, too. Thanks so much for your comments. Out of frustration, if nothing else, I have been doing that less and less often as time goes on, so I’m glad to read that you have had some success in instilling self-reliance by doing so! And, as I mentioned above, I apologize for not being more specific when discussing the 3-hour-a-night homework issue — the three hours pertained only to my 9 year-old, not my 6 year-old. I appreciate you bringing it to my attention (I am horrible at proofreading my own material, alas!). Also, as with your children, my kids have no homework on the weekends, thankfully! Again — thanks for your time and input.
*Elisabeth: Thank you for graciously providing me a voice on the EP site! I am most honored. My kids do have a set time of day to do homework — typically after dinner (we eat early) and a bath — but we are rethinking that schedule. I am fortunate that my kids aren’t involved in after-school activities YET, but I can imagine that is right around the corner. Thus, I will have to choreograph those activities with homework time — oooh, I can hardly wait! PLEASE keep me posted on how your homework-after-school schedule works out for you and your son.
*greengirl: Yes! You are absolutely right about 3 hours of homework vs. the child TAKING 3 hours to complete the homework. I should have been more clear about that (boy, I’m learning a LOT from my first blog). While I do think that the amount of homework that my 9 year-old has DOES seem a bit excessive, I admit that his frequent digression and stalling tactics prolong the entire activity. By the way, I read with interest your success about the “home, snack, homework” plan — that may be a trial schedule for my kids worth investigating! Thank you so much for taking the time to comment.
*JamieD: My 9 year-old is also well-behaved in other areas. He just tends to drift and digress to his own amusement, thereby avoiding completion of his homework. He will debate like he’s a trial lawyer over trivial issues, when all that energy could be put to much better use in just completing the assignment! ugh There are no easy answers, I’m afraid. (sigh) We have tried consequences and rewards — sometimes they help, someetimes they don’t. I, too, wish there was a consistent way to get and keep kids internally motivated to complete their work — whether in the classroom or at home! Let me know how it goes for you and I’ll do the same.
*Lisa: You are a hoot! Glad that you liked my comment about “normal” being a setting on a dryer. I wasn’t sure how that would go over so I’m relieved that you, too, “got it”! =) Wow — so you finally had it with the lack of concern about homework, discipline, and expectations by your son and decided to home-school him? *clap, clap* I applaud you! I shudder to think that the new “normal” for boys these days is a totally blase attitude toward completing it (and/or completing it with minimal effort). And hey — I am right there with you as for the new “do as I say, not as I do” dryer setting! Love it. Thanks for making me smile!
Thank you all, once again, for your generous and insightful feedback to my maiden blog voyage on Empowering Parents! Best of luck to us all. I am interested in what works for YOU — and what doesn’t — as we continue to wage our battle from the trenches!
October 23rd, 2009 at 7:37 am
Hi Everyone: What about getting homework written in a planner? Any suggestions. How do you know it’s missing if there is nothing there? Believe it or not, my son is in 10th grade. I’m still checking daily for him and I’m tired. My 8 yr old daughter does better than he does. We have decided to take everything away even after church activities if need be. Any thoughts for almost a grown man?
October 24th, 2009 at 8:55 am
Mary: Whew! You sound exhausted, and I can understand why. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment here.
The homework planner seems to work for my 4th grader, but only if I follow through with it. His teacher was the 1st one to use this approach (a daily homework assignment planner). Granted, it does not specify WHEN the homework or HOW LONG it should take to get the homework done, but it does specify his assignments for each area of study (social studies, math, etc.).
I admit that the planner DOES HELP in making sure that he comes home with whatever assignments that he is supposed to do that night, but it also takes vigilance on my part: I go through the planner with him when I pick him up from school (BEFORE we leave) in order to make sure he has what he needs for each assignment (eg., books, reading material, etc.). He frequently “forgets” to bring home his vocabulary book or math book or … Well, you get the picture. Going over each assignment with him — and what is required for each assignmenent! — really helps cut down on all of his “accidentally” missing homework.
Granted, my oldest is only in 4th grade — I haven’t endured 6 more years’ worth of missing homework and checking daily assignments. Ugh — you poor dear. I can SURE understand your exhaustion! My goodness. It is a monumental challenge for us, as parents, to instill in our children some sense of responsibility for oneself. I’m not sure exactly when or how that happens, to be honest. I’ve tried letting him get low marks on his homework because he didn’t do it (i.e., natural consequences), and I didn’t check that he brought it home (purposely). But kids these days don’t seem to care much, and I don’t know why …
I would like to throw this one out to the parents out there: What would YOU do? How would you get her 10th grader to remember and do his homework! Please feel free to post your suggestions. We can ALL benefit from our combined experience! =)
October 24th, 2009 at 3:51 pm
Many schools are now using student information systems such as PowerSchool or Administrator’s Plus, and teachers are posting the homework on-line.
Even if your child’s school isn’t doing that you should still insist that he complete the homework assignment tablet and bring it home for your inspection. You should have positive and negative consequences for this. If he complies, then something good happens. If he chooses not to comply, then something unpleasant should happen. The negative consequences should be in keeping with James’ suggestions.
You shouldn’t argue or fight or (God forbid) beg or plead with your child to comply with your wishes. The choice is theirs. Just make sure that the positive consequences are something he really wants and the negative consequences are something he really does NOT like.
Remember this, “We don’t change until the pain of change becomes less than the pain of not changing.”
October 24th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
Thank you, again, Brother Kevin, for your great input and wise words of wisdom (I have found your quote to be very accurate in life)!
My older son has a homework “tablet” — more like a daily list of his homework assignments, based on each category of study (eg., math, vocabulary, social studies, etc.) — which he brings home daily. I go over it with him when I pick him up from school PRIOR to us leaving, just so we can make sure that he comes home with all of the necessary items needed to complete his homework. This helps cut down on all of the “Ooops — I forgot to bring my math book home” scenarios. =)
I think what I need to look at is the positive and negative consequences for homework completion. I think that the kids might be a tad more motivated if they had a “carrot” that they chose (something reasonable, of course). The negative consequences are probably best set by the adults because, even at 6 and 9 years of age, they can be quite wily about those sorts of things!
Thank you, again, for your time and comments. They, and you, are much appreciated!
October 24th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
Reading all of the posts here reminded me of something my son’s principal said last year. He told us if he would put as much energy into DOING his homework as he does avoiding homework then he would be no less than an A/B student!
October 24th, 2009 at 7:17 pm
greengirl11: You are a HOOT! That prinicpal is 100% right on target. And we’ve used that quote several times over the years, believe ME … *sigh*
Glad to know that I’m not alone with kids who stall, digress, change topics, debate, etc. — all to avoid doing homework! =)
November 7th, 2009 at 5:24 pm
I have an 8-yr old boy with LOTS of homework and I feel your pain! I tried expecting the homework be done first thing after school, but found it was too much to ask for my son. Personally I feel children (especially boys) need that physical play/off time after school to let off steam. What has been working for us this year is that he plays until 5:00pm, then begins homework when I begin preparing dinner. He is focused on homework at the kitchen table at the same time I’m focused on dinner–he seems to feel encouraged when we are both focused but yet I’m there and he can ask me for help when needed. I briefly help, then I’m back at my task of dinner prep. and he’s back at his work. Very important: His play time between school and homework (5:00pm) DOES NOT include what we call “screens” (TV, computer). IF (and only if) he completes his homework by dinner time (usually 6–6:30ish) he EARNS an hour of TV time AFTER dinner (usually around 7-8pm). This has incentivized him to complete his homework without dragging it out to extraodordinary painfully long hours, and lets us enjoy dinners together without angst of homework hanging over us. (If he neglects to complete his homework before dinner and I feel it’s because he’s wasted time–there is no TV and he has to report to his teacher that he didn’t finish. This is something he hates to have to do.) As for talking about personal issues–my son finds it hard to just “talk” about his day which is hard for me as a parent, because of course we always want to know what is happening in our child’s life!– however, I continue to have ‘quiet time’ with him when he lays down to go to sleep after reading. Yes, it’s time consuming and he’s much too old to “put to bed”; HOWEVER, this is the time (my son, anyway) has used to TALK TO ME about his day. The things I’ve learned about my son’s life during these quiet times when there is nothing else going on is incredible. And I don’t even ask him for this information–I’m just “there” with him when nothing else is going on. He tells me about friends at school; what happened in the day; girls he has a crush on!, and playground issues with other boys. I will continue to do this for as long as he requests it!!! You might try something similar. Boys will typically share things with you when you’re not expecting it (or asking for it) or when in the midst of an activity together. Suggested reading that I found fascinating “The Wonder of Boys”. Best of luck!!
November 10th, 2009 at 11:57 pm
My 8 year old 3rd grade daughter has ADHD & started having problems with Math the end of 2nd grade & started giving me a lot of problems with completing homework this year, taking 4 hours a night & still not completing homework, some weeks even handing in incomplete homework, insisting she completed all her homework when I saw 2 pages blank. Recently I saw on your website about the 10 minutes per grade the teacher’s association reccomends & mandatory homework time. Her homework I feel should take 30 minutes (15 minutes for notebook homework, 15 minutes for her packet page) per day, but this does NOT include her daily studying for her Spelling test on Fridays & sometimes she also has a Math quiz/test on Fridays to study for also. I can’t have her do her homework at the same time each day because some days she has a doctor’s appointment (3 out of 4 weeks a month, on Mondays or Tuesdays) & we get home late & most Wednesdays she has religion school…But I have instituted something new since last week…Breaking her homework up & using the timer on my microwave…I set the timer for 15 minutes for her to do her packet page, when the timer’s done she stops whether she’s done or not, then I re-set the timer for 15 minutes for her to do her daily notebook homework. When the timer goes off again she stops & I re-set the timer for 30 minutes & I quiz her on her spelling words…if she has time left over she can complete whatever work she didn’t finish for the day. It worked well last week & on Thursdays her only homework is to study for her Spelling test & whatever other test she may have. She’s good at Spelling but when I quiz her every day she gets 100 usually, compared with 70 - 100 otherwise. Well, last week she got 100. This week she has completed her weekly homework though it hasn’t gone as smoothly as last week, she hasn’t studied for her Spelling test at all yet & tomorrow she’s off for Veteran’s Day & we will be out till 6:30 PM or so therefore I don’t see us having time to study until Thursday….
November 11th, 2009 at 8:06 am
Carolyn: Wow! Thanks for the terrific feedback! I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment on my predicament. I agree with you that kids (yes, especially boys) need some time after school to physically decompress (i.e., playtime). That is indeed important. And I admire the routine you initiated of your son doing homework while you prepare dinner — what a creative and effective use of your time!
I, too, find that the no “screen time” (love the phrase!) is significant. I don’t exactly know what realm my son goes into when he’s engrossed in one of those video games, but I think he’s left part of his brain there when it comes to homework time.
Question: Do you ever allow him time AFTER dinner to complete unfinished homework? If so, does it depend on whether you think he was goofing off or simply had too much homework?
Lastly, your comment about “quiet time” with your son warmed my heart. I need to do that — it’s a win-win situation for both of you. Thanks again for your feedback!
November 11th, 2009 at 8:19 am
Sindarla: Thank you for your comments! In a strange way, it’s nice to know that I’m not the only parent out there struggling with homework issues. =)
Your idea of using a timer intrigues me. My son is very competetive — it would be interesting to see what he could do if I timed his homework! 15 minute segments seem reasonable. Thanks for the commiseration and the suggestion. That’s how it works: one parent in the trenches sharing their experience with another parent in a similar situation! Good luck to us both!