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If there’s someone out there who didn’t go through extreme angst over their looks during their middle school years, I’d like to meet them. Somehow, we all got through it and learned to accept ourselves for who we were. (It’s an ongoing process, after all, but I have to admit that I wouldn’t go back to those pre-teen years for anything.) The difference between us and our kids: we didn’t have the internet and social networking to contend with.
But what if we’d had an audience of millions to whom we could ask, “Am I ugly?” That’s what pre-teen kids, mostly girls, have been doing on Youtube in droves recently, with some disturbing results in the form of hate comments from internet trolls. Many of the responses under the videos prey upon the girls’ biggest fears by saying, “Yes, you are ugly” — and then these cowards give reasons why. (I firmly believe the anonymity of the internet provides everyone with the ready-made ability to become a sniper of the cruelest kind.)
I think the thing that disturbs me most is that these poor kids are uploading their videos in the privacy of their rooms (another reason to have the computer in a common area of the house and postpone smartphones until kids are mature enough to have them). What feels private initially becomes suddenly very public. Regardless of how the kids feel when they create the videos, they are anything but anonymous on the internet.
It’s so sad to me how kids, and girls especially, are convinced that they aren’t worth the time of day unless they are beautiful. It starts early, and it’s all around us — pop culture pounds home that message every single day. Somehow back in the ’90s, “Girl Power” turned into the Spice Girls singing “I’ll tell you what I want, what I really really want,” in sexy little outfits. (How that was supposed to empower girls I haven’t a clue. I think it did the opposite, frankly.)
So what’s the answer? I think we need to praise our kids based on how hard they work, or what they’ve accomplished because of their perseverance or persistence or passion in life, rather than on how “cool” they are or what they look like.Β “Self-esteem comes from doing things you esteem,” said James Lehman, and he’s right — when something is difficult and kids stick with it and do their best, it’s more satisfying to them than any hollow compliment or meaningless trophy they could score.
Which brings us back to the “Am I ugly?” videos. What do you think the answer is? What’s the best way to build your child’s self-esteem? And how do you monitor your child’s activity on the internet?
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February 26th, 2012 at 1:54 pm
When I first read the articles about this new trend, I was outraged! Surprisingly enough, I wasn’t as offended by the nasty comments people are leaving on these videos as I was the fact that girls are uploading them in the first place. How low must a girl’s self-esteem be in order to post a video to the world asking if she is pretty?
As a parent, I think it’s important to praise and compliment actual achievements as opposed to appearance. When first meeting a new girl, avoid commenting on how pretty she is. Instead, strike up a conversation, get to know her hobbies and extra-curricular activities, then tell her how impressed you are by the spelling bee she just won, being named MVP on her soccer team or by spending her free time volunteering at an animal shelter. These are things worthy of your praise, not how well she can apply make-up.
Also, it’s important to teach girls that their personality is what ultimately makes them more attractive. The phrase “beauty is on the inside” is ridiculed in today’s society, but it is a true statement. Teach your kids to work hard in school, be compassionate and to have integrity. These values will make them pretty, unlike the ugly, cowardly people in the world leaving anonymous comments on these videos.
February 27th, 2012 at 10:52 am
you do realize that, although it is healthy to praise actual accomplishments, if someone’s parents do not praise how they look it will go a long way to creating more of these videos, right? Regardless of it is a male or female, confidence starts at home, and if you neglect one thing, a child could start to doubt their worth in whatever subject is not being praised. if parents only praise appearance, then a child could start to think that’s all they’re good for, or worse, that that’s all they need to be good for. but if as a parent you go out of your way to only praise and promote accomplishments, personality, etc. you could be doing just as much harm.
Videos like the ones mentioned are almost certainly spawned from an environment where a middle school aged kid lacks value in their appearance, whether or not they have confidence in other areas. And as shallow as it sounds, people need to feel good about how they look or it will end up having impacts on not only social lives but also self-esteem in general.
Iβm not arguing to only promote one set of praise over another; Iβm arguing that it has to be balanced at home for a person to develop with a balanced set of confidences. otherwise you get people who look for validation anywhere they can, and the type of self-doubt that starts at posting a video about asking a question probably won’t stop there if they think they really need the attention.
February 27th, 2012 at 4:59 pm
Very good points, EP Reader and Liv2BGirl. I think it’s important to teach our kids to notice their friends’ talents, hobbies and interests, instead of making the way they look the #1 concern. I agree with EP Reader, as well — it’s good to tell our kids that they are attractive, as long as we don’t focus on that above all other qualities. I have a friend who, in her 40s, still laments the fact that her parents never once told her she looked pretty when she was younger — at a time when she could have used the encouragement. So I guess the answer, as with most things, is “Everything in moderation.”
Thanks for chiming in!
March 9th, 2012 at 12:34 pm
Thanks for raising this issue. It’s amazing how easily the internet amplifies the kinds of concerns/behaviors kids have had forever. Now, instead of sitting around with their friends and deciding which hairstyle looks cutest, girls can put themselves out there for the whole world to judge them. I agree that our kids need our praise for their good actions and their unique looks. As parents, we know they’re all beautiful!