Is Your Child Bored with School, or Just Angry?
Posted By: James Lehman, MSW
Category: Problem-solving Skills, School, Teaching Accountability
Comments: 16
From time to time, kids will say that they’re bored of school. There’s some research that indicates that when some kids are bored, they’re actually mildly angry. And so, I think that kids do get angry with school, it is boring sometimes. They also don’t like the responsibility of all the assignments. As they get older, these assignments don’t appear to prepare them for the adult world and they resent it, and they resent having to do them.
But parents have to be able to tell their kids that it’s their responsibility to go to school. You need to be able to say, “You have to go to school even when you’re bored. That’s your responsibility. It’s not about the mood, it’s your responsibility. If you want it to be less boring, find some more interesting things to do there to balance it out.”
Sports might be the thing that helps your child find his comfort zone at school; for another child, it might be drama. Whatever it is, let your child know that this is a problem that’s possible for them to solve.
16 Responses
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March 19th, 2008 at 8:59 am
Hi, in regards to your above category, what do you think of a high school principal who thinks the students academic and social life comes before their health? The reason I ask is this…..my granddaughter has asthma plus a few more health problems. She is in a wheelchair due to being born with Caudal Regression Syndrome w/ Sacralagenisis, (1/2 a back and spinal cord.) so she has no use of her legs and walks on her hands and uses her chair. She had a bout with vertigo for a couple months where she could not lie down all the way, (she gets catherized due to a bladder augmentation),she has asthma and when she gets a cold she is home for about a week or few days more. Her principal thinks she should be in school when this is going on …I told her that my granddaughters health is more important than her academics or social life. After all if she’s not feeling well she can’t do her work…..What do you think of this principal?….
thank you …. please send answer to my email address….
March 19th, 2008 at 9:45 am
I think you’re right - boredom and anger often go hand-in-hand. My son has struggled with school for many years in this way. Our daughter decided (at 18) to quit school her senior year because of just this same thing - and lack of motivation. They’ve had good role modeling - at 52 I’m working on my Masters degree and their father is often in further training for his job. Anyway, since our daughter quit school, her brother has been hearing things like “You’re going to be a drop-out just like your sister” and similar statements from the dean of students and others in the high school administration. Recently he was called to the dean’s office because an item was stolen from one of his fellow students and he was “in the area at the time along with some other students.” I was told that all of those students would be questioned. He was angry that they thought he might have taken the item, but was further incensed when he discovered that none of these “other students” were questioned. Needless to say, this is making him more angry and not just bored. We are looking into cyber school at the moment as one answer to the situation. I’ve never been a parent who looks elsewhere for responsibility when my children get in trouble at school - I look to them first and they know it. However, I wonder what steps to take with the school, if any, for their part in pushing my child further out the door. He doesn’t want me to do anything because he then pays a price. This is true as I intervened last year when he was in a bullying situation by another student that he and we were not able to get under control, and that intervention just made his life worse. The administratiion at his high school doesn’t seem to have a policy of confidentiality. Any suggestions?
March 19th, 2008 at 10:10 am
I am a mother of two children still in elementary school, however I am concerned by the comments of the above two parents regarding their high school staff members. I recently moved into a new neighborhood, which has me searching and listening for information regarding the middle and high schools my children will be entering. I have had two situations which were from different individuals who both have HUGE concerns regarding our HIGH SCHOOL office staff members. Both situations indicate that the office has been very unforthcoming regarding collecting homework for students who are out of school for a period of time. I wonder what it is about the high school level that the administration in the schools become less than helpful for both students and parents. If they have the attitude that the students are old enough to take care of things on their own, that is to be commended to a point. However, don’t we hire them to be sure that things don’t fall through the cracks? If the students don’t take the responsibility and the parents are their insisting they get the work, isn’t that why they have their jobs is to be sure that the requests are being filled regardless if they feel it is their “job”?
March 20th, 2008 at 9:42 am
Did any of you ever consider homeschooling as a option? Our children have never been in a public school because of the type of instances you described above. Seem the staff and administration is hostile towards the students before they even get to the classroom and then don’t want to follow through there either.
March 20th, 2008 at 8:09 pm
i am a mother of six. three adult daughters,one semi- adult son (18) and two minor sons. i say that my 18 year old son is semi- adult because at this age in my opinion, he is not truly mentally prepared for adult responsibity. in some ways he appears to be ready, but actually 18 is much too soon to be called an adult. he still in his teens.i think he should still be addressed as a teenager because that is what he is in,his teens. i think that he is very bored and confused with school and with this new role as an adult. he also is very opinionated and daily suggests that his opinions are law. one, because he is 18(wow i am an adult)and i can make decisions because of this. two, i can run the household with an iron fist. even though mom constantly wants to be there for him in these trying times of his entrance into adulthood. i still want to set up boundaries and enforce rules to him as well. the other minor brothers of the household are getting caught up in this battle with us.there is always something going on with his attendance and i truly understand because he has not yet learned to hurry with speed. when i say hurry i mean move quicker and do things faster than at your normal pace. if he is not doing it at home, that explains why he can’t get to class on time.sometimes he is on the ball. then other times he sinks into a depressive stage where everything i say gets on his nerves rather than vice-versa. in short, i think that my choice of suggesting he see a therapist is appropriate. but when do we call to make the appointment? right now? i cannot wait any longer and he is getting worse. i am getting short-circuited, about to explode! in a one parent household it is getting unbearable for me to relax while he is home. i enjoy our quarters so much more when he is away. should i put him out so he can experience adulthood? he really seems to be very unhappy here. he is bored at home and at school and very very angry.
March 21st, 2008 at 10:12 am
I have a 12yr. old son(ODD) that cannot stay on task. He just got his report card for the third semester and although his grades have improved, they are not significant enough for him to pass to the 7th grade. His teachers say that he doesn’t apply himself. He doesn’t like school and he blames others for his failures. I have a 10yr. old daughter who is an honor roll student and another son who is 6yrs. old and I am starting to see the early signs of ODD in him. One of the things that I’ve learned is to do for the boys is to physically have the tasks written out for them to do and let them check them off as they go. Although, we haven’t done this very long it seems to help my oldest. Still working on the younger son.
March 23rd, 2008 at 5:07 pm
hi
i have a 16yrs son that is not serious with his books but liked wearing new clothes everyday what do i do to stop him and to be with his books
Beacky
March 30th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
Who ever wrote this article doesn’t understand how boring Arkansas schools are. They teach them the basics and that is it. Have they even looked at how Arkansas is performing compared to the nation? My kid isn’t angry, he is bored to death!
April 5th, 2008 at 8:05 pm
I have tried to impress upon my 13-year-old daughter that school is her responsibility. She seems to have given up on herself. Now, she says she wants to leave the school she has attended since kindergarten and live with her father an hour away. He does not consider school a priority at all and has told her so. He hated school as a teen and proudly announces his disdain for academics altogether. This is completely opposite from my home, where she now lives. I am currently pursuing my Master’s Degree. I fear she will try to leave home to get away from school demands and house rules. I require her to have her homework done before she can socialize. Please don’t suggest that I speak with her father. He has made his position clear. What would be the most effective way to handle this?
April 9th, 2008 at 1:22 pm
Liz » You seem to be in a really tough situation. Unfortunately, you are not alone. Many parents face situations like these, where because of separations and divorces, their kids get double messages about school. Often this does not come from parents actually having different views of school. Rather, this comes from parents acting out, and from one parent trying to get back at the other–so they take a contrarian posture to things they know the other parent values.
Your choices here are very clear. One: you can keep fighting. The other is that you can let her go to her father’s house. That choice will depend on how you want to handle it. Neither is very effective in getting your daughter to value her education. If you keep fighting with her, my experience is that she’ll get stronger, because fighting with kids validates them and makes them feel more powerful. If you let her go to her father’s, there’s a good chance she’s going to fall on her face—in other words, the same behaviors are going to emerge at her father’s house, because the only thing that’s changed is her geography. My experience suggests that once that happens, he won’t want her there anymore, and she’ll probably be back with you. I think that I would let her go to her father’s if that’s what she chooses to do. I would let her know that she’s welcome to come home, but only under your rules about school. And one of those rules certainly has to be, “Stop complaining.” What I suggest to parents whose kids complain a lot is to assign them a complaint time. So you can say, “From 7:30-7:40, you can complain all you want, but after that, you have to hold it to the next day.” When kids complain outside of that period, there’s a simple answer, “Save it till tonight.” So you don’t have to get into the whole explanation and argument again. Kids learn a lot from that kind of simple exercise.
On a personal note: Stick with the Master’s Degree. It’s one of the best things I ever did.
May 6th, 2008 at 5:07 pm
Our 13-year old son has struggled since his first day of middle school last fall. He got suspended three times for being defiant and disrespectful to teachers and administrators. He also refused to do his school work and many times refused to go at all. After his third suspension, we pulled him out to home-school him for the rest of the year. We are having trouble getting him to do that on a daily basis and nothing we do seems to get him to change his behavior. He refuses to talk about why he doesn’t want to be at school, either to us or to the three counselors we have taken him to. It has been suggested to us that he is gifted and he is taking the gifted test next week, so he is very capable of doing the work, and has gotten straight A’s in the past. Any suggestions regarding how to get him to realize how important school is and how his behavior is affecting his future?
May 19th, 2008 at 7:37 am
I’m at the end of my rope. My son, Ryan, is 13 years old and he’s a great kid - very kind and well-behaved at home and at school. He just refuses to do any of his school work and is at risk of failing 7th grade. He lies about assignments and tests; and tries to hide graded work. ONe of his problems may be that he loves to be outdoors - constantly - and he’s ina building all day (with almost no windows), then gets home to do more homework. So, we’ve decided to homeschool him next year and our #1 goal for him is to get back his love of learning. Any ideas on how to accomplish this?
August 26th, 2008 at 5:22 pm
As I read the articles of parents seeking the perfect
answer to get their child to measure up I remember all I tried and watched others try. My son now 19, still wants t be in charge an independant thinker and defiant to the
core.
What I learned works the best focus on what you like in the child and realize he is different but that does not mean that there is not a place to find success. School is only one piece of the puzzle and not the final career.
April 27th, 2009 at 7:12 pm
We’re in the middle of countdown to senior finals and graduation. There are 4 wks of school left and we worry
our 18yr old daughter will not make graduate. She’s in therapy and has been since last fall. I’m not sure it’s helping? Hubby & I are hanging in there. If she doesn’t graduate, we won’t be happy about it, but between our-selves, my husband and I, we have resolved that if she
does not graduate, it is not going to be the end of the road, it will just be a different path. We’ve come to
realize we are not in control of everything and everyone
only ourselves. We’ve tried and inspite of our best and
sometimes our worst efforts our daughter is the only one
who is responsible if she does not continue to make the
effort to complete her work and finish her senior year.
I know we will be sad if she doesn’t finish and graduate.I
But I have no peppy encouragement or angry words left.
The only words I can think of are “so it is and so it
shall be” or “so be it”.
May 11th, 2009 at 7:12 pm
My son is and has been an angel since starting the TTP. No problems at home, public, other friends or family homes but school has worsened so bad that in the past two weeks he’s on his third suspension, one was for a week long continuous battle of not listening, being mouthy and disrespectful, not keeping his hands to himself, the second suspension was for calling the teacher a ‘jerk’ and the third suspension was for biting a teacher so hard that he drew blood just because she was pulling out from underneath his desk (which he does when he knows he’s in trouble) I don’t understand the problem, all the teachers involved in his everyday schedule at school say that he just defies any and all requests given to him. I don’t get it and am at a loss and scared that he’s going to have to repeat 1st grade again. (He’s already had to repeat pre-k for all the school he missed for behavior and looking at having to do it again. And to top it off, his grades are all straight A’s and is going to be recommended for talented & gifted reading next year!
May 18th, 2009 at 8:53 am
Yankeemother: It sounds like your son is really struggling with his behaviors at school. I’m sorry to hear its been so difficult for both of you. I’m trying to get a sense of the behaviors you say are a problem. It looks like you’re stating that your eight year old son is disrespectful to teachers and other students, sometimes calling the teachers names; he interrupts others; he gets under his desk during class; and has bitten and drawn blood from a teacher. Where you begin with these behaviors is not to ask yourself, “What punishment will fit these crimes?” As James Lehman says, punishment does NOT change behavior. Instead, think in terms of problem solving. What problem is your son trying to solve with these behaviors? Is the problem that he cannot control his impulses, his frustrations, his body during school? When behaviors are this frequent and this severe, consider getting a professional evaluation of your son to help you answer those questions. You might ask your pediatrician if he should be referred for a neuropsychological evaluation. When you know what problem he is trying to solve with his behaviors, you can coach him to recognize his triggers. James talks about trigger management in the program to change his faulty thinking (Lesson 5). You can then coach him to use specific skills to manage his behavior. The evaluation will help you and your son know what skills he should focus on. If he has these tools and refuses to try to use them, those are the times when you would encourage him to try something else rather than experience a consequence for choosing not to use his skills. I hope this is helpful. Please keep in touch and let us know how it goes.