Kids Who are Verbally Abusive, Part 1:
The Creation of a Defiant Child

Part one of a two-part series by James Lehman, MSW on kids who use verbal abuse, intimidation and threats to manipulate their parents and family. In this article, James explains how a defiant, verbally abusive child is created. Next week, he’ll tell you how to handle this behavior in your home.

"I'm a Victim, So the Rules Don't Apply to Me!"
How to Stop "Victim Thinking" in Kids

Whenever an adolescent doesn’t want to take responsibility, it’s very likely they’ll present themselves as a victim. When your child says, “You don’t understand me,” that’s playing the victim, because what they’re really saying is, “I’m a victim of your misunderstanding." And you’ll see excuse-making, blaming and justification all contained within this kind of thought process. In our society today, kids as well as adults have become adept at using all of these strategies to rationalize their actions.

When Your Child Says, “I Don’t Fit In.”

Every child feels like they don’t fit in at some point. Even adults feel that way occasionally: we all experience being “alone in a room full of people.” With kids, the need to be part of a group is instinctual; it’s survival. They want to fit in and be like everyone else because it gives them a sense of safety and security. So when your child tells you they don’t fit in, they’re also saying, “I don’t feel safe.” The anxiety comes from thoughts of, “I’m different; I’m vulnerable.” And sadly, other children tend to focus on kids who are different and can be very cruel.

Kids, Blaming and Apologies: Everything after “But” is Bull

You’ll often hear kids say, “I’m sorry, but...” and follow their apology with an excuse. “I’m sorry, but you were looking at me.” “I’m sorry, but you wouldn’t let me play my video games.” “I’m sorry I kicked a hole in the wall, but you told me I couldn’t go outside.” So, what your child is actually saying is, “I’m sorry, but it was your fault.”

“How Dare You Lie to Me!“ How to Deal with a Lying Teen

“My 17 year old son lies all the time,” a mother said to me recently. “He lies about his schoolwork, what he ate for lunch and whether or not he’s brushed his teeth. He also exaggerates to make his stories more dramatic or to make himself sound bigger. It’s come to the point where I don’t take anything he says at face value. He’s not a bad kid, but I just don’t understand why he lies so often, especially when telling the truth would be easier. What should I do?”

Siblings at War in Your Home
(Declare a Ceasefire Now)

Sibling rivalry is normal in families with more than one child. It becomes a problem when one child bullies or dominates the other. It's also a more complex issue than it first appears. On the surface, you have two kids who are “at war”—who bicker constantly and don’t get along. There can be many reasons for this, but at the core of this rivalry is a common theme that runs through it all: the sense that one sibling is the victim of the other and somehow “less than.” And that child often believes that he gets less love from his parents than his acting out brother or sister does.

End the Nightly Homework Struggle
5 Homework Strategies that Work for Kids

Are you trapped in a nightly homework struggle with your child? The list of excuses can seem endless: “I don’t have any homework today.” “My teacher never looks at my homework anyway.” “That assignment was optional.” “I did it at school.” If only your child could be that creative with their actual homework, getting good grades would be no problem!

Living with Little Lawyers: Don’t Over-negotiate with Your Child

If you are a parent who negotiates constantly with your child, you probably feel like you’re living with a little lawyer who “objects” to every rule and request and wears you down with endless questions and challenges. With some kids, everything becomes a negotiation, and it starts from the time they get up in the morning until the time they put off going to bed.

School of Hard Knocks: Getting Behavioral Help for Teachers in the Classroom

When one of  Brandi Frank’s second grade students was expelled for punching another teacher in the stomach, she was ready for his return to her classroom six weeks later. “I sat down in community circle in the morning and talked with the other students and explained that this boy, *Kyle, was coming back to the classroom. The number one thing I established was, ‘There’s no excuse for abuse.’”

“My Kid Won’t Get Out of Bed”
Stop the Morning Madness Now

The alarm goes off and the morning battle begins: you knock on your child’s bedroom door to wake him, but you have to go back time and again to make sure he’s actually up, your voice rising with each “wake-up call.” As the minutes tick by and he still hasn’t gotten out of bed, you resort to screaming and yelling in his face, and then tear the blankets off the bed. In desperation, you pull him out of bed by his feet, though you know you won’t be able to do that for many more years.

Freaked Out Part I:
Understanding Kids with Anxiety

This is part one of a two-part series on anxiety in children by James Lehman, MSW. In the first article, James will discuss how to understand and identify anxiety in children. Next week, he'll give you some constructive advice on how to help children manage anxiety successfully.

Does Your Child Say This? “That's boring!”

When adolescents say something is boring, what they’re often expressing is a low level of anger and frustration. My guess is that this comes from the fact that either they don’t have anything interesting to do and they’re frustrated, or the task they have to do isn’t exciting and requires attention and energy. So when you say, “It’s time to go do your math now,” and a teen responds, “Math is so boring,” they’re expressing a low level of frustration and anger about having to do their math homework, probably because math is boring to them.

Reduce Homework Hassles with these Simple Tips

Homework can be difficult for most kids during the school year, but it can become a major challenge when you have a child with ADHD. But here’s some good news for exhausted parents: if you take the right steps now, at the beginning of the school year, homework hassles can be kept to a minimum. The key is to be organized and plan ahead to minimize the frustration your child is bound to experience around multiple homework assignments. Begin by tackling the two most important places: school and home.

How to Deal with Teens with Attitude

With a new school year starting, many parents find themselves gearing up for another round of bad attitudes and power struggles with their kids. Teens and pre-teens especially seem to have an “I don’t care,” or “Why bother?” attitude about school, homework and their other responsibilities, whether it be chores around the house or a part-time job. Do you find yourself asking your teen, “How will you ever make it in life if you don’t take these things seriously now?”

Young Kids and Back to School Anxiety:
How to Shrink it Down to Size

As the start of the school year approaches, have you seen your first grader go into meltdown mode at the mention of school, or watched your soon-to-be kindergartner regress back to baby talking and thumb sucking? Rest assured that you’re not alone. Each fall, millions of parents deal with their children’s beginning-of-the-year anxiety.