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 Post subject: My son wants to live with his dad and is using everything
PostPosted: Sun Apr 26, 2009 6:41 am 
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Joined: Sun Apr 26, 2009 6:24 am
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My 11 year old wants to live with his dad and I don't believe that's in his best interest. We have a trial comming up and my son is aware of it so every chance that he gets he'll say I can't wait till the judge lets me live with my dad. Or it won't be long till my dad wins and I live with him. An example of this is we were in the Bahamas over sping vacation and he got a sunburn, he was happy about this and said to me this will work in my dads favor with the judge. I'm so tired hearing about it and I don't know how to stop it. It makes me feel like he reallly hates me. How do I stop this?


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 Post subject: Re: My son wants to live with his dad and is using everything
PostPosted: Tue May 05, 2009 9:35 am 
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Joined: Mon Dec 08, 2008 2:29 pm
Posts: 156
child custody placement/cases are no picnic that is for sure and then when your naive child thinks that it is a game that he can play to manipulate you, it is even worse.

This may be difficult to consider, but if dads is a safe place, arrange for your child to go and live with dad BEFORE the court determines formal placement. Give your child the opportunity to see what he is choosing. It is really painful to consider this and yes, he will be out of your sight and guidance but he may get a dose of reality before he has to go to court and express what he wants in an educated way rather than in a manipulative/naive way.

children in this circumstance are put in the middle by divorcing parents. He doesn't want to choose between mom and dad and in a regular marriage, he would not ever have to or think he has the power to choose. But divorce makes things different. Some parents become manipulative, some kids become manipulative. The key is to think like a Godmother instead of a mother. If you could be totally objective, you can see what is best for the child is not always what is best for mom or for dad...

usually what is best is providing safe, loving environment, an environment where the child knows the parent is the parent, where consistency exists, where kindness and love exist...can he get that at dads? can he get this at moms? can dad and mom, even though not together as partners work together like parents???

If you can, then you can both work on getting him to choose to be a kid, rather than choosing to be a pawn in a custody case.

_________________
From the novel Ahab's wife, "I think it is wrong for the strong to test the weak, though it is natural for the weak to test the strong."


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 Post subject: Re: My son wants to live with his dad and is using everything
PostPosted: Wed May 06, 2009 8:27 am 
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Joined: Wed Jan 21, 2009 6:20 pm
Posts: 50
sull180,

I’m sorry to hear that you are going through such a difficult time with your son. It can be scary and painful when a child wants to live with the other parent. I think in a situation like this it can feel impossible not to take such comments to heart or to personalize the behavior. In the moment, I would encourage you not to overreact to his comments or take the invitation to argue about what he is saying. Try to focus him on the issue or task at hand; if you’re going to respond, you may say something like, “I’m not sure that’s how it works bud, but right now we’re on vacation and it’s not a good time to talk about that.” Perhaps you can meet his need to express wanting to live with dad at a set time for like 15 minutes a day. So when he does want to bring it up at an inappropriate time you can redirect him, “You know I’ll give you a chance to talk about this after dinner tonight, save if for then.” I want to include an article on why it’s important not to personalize behavior and how to pull it off. Make it a point to reassure yourself that your son’s desire to be closer to dad right now is in no way reflective of your value as his mom.

http://www.empoweringparents.com/How-to-Stop-Taking-Your-Childs-Behavior-Personally.php

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Tina Wakefield
Support Line Advisor


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 Post subject: Re: My son wants to live with his dad and is using everything
PostPosted: Wed May 13, 2009 11:33 am 
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Joined: Wed May 13, 2009 11:11 am
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He is 11 years old. Is this his first divorce? He sounds like a future trial lawyer.
All he is doing is trying to test you and get a reaction out of you. Granted... it is mean spirited, but remember he is only 11 yrs old and he is a boy. So his natural inclination is probably going to be to associate (or try) with his father. Boys at this age start learning to grow up and want to act out an independence from their mother's but are heasitant to go against their father. He should be given the opportunity to stay with his father for a couple of weeks before the trial - in order to give him a better idea of what it would be like to live with his father, but more importantly what it will "feel like" to not have his mother around for the constant support and caring and nurturing he is probably taking for granted right now.
So I suggest - let him stay with his dad for a couple of weeks. Then you will see a different tune come out of him if he misses you and thinks twice about leaving you.
But hold firm to your rules and don't bend them to try to appear like you are desperate for him to stay. (then he will try to get away with a lot more).
Hang in there.
It's tough but you will get through this...

PS.. I suggest you try to mediate your divorce instead of going through the court system.
You all will be better off if you try to compromise on a parenting plan and reasonable support than have it dictated by a judge and court system that is for the most part very impractical in a real sense today.
Remember .. "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
Try to open up the lines of communication with your former husband.


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 Post subject: Re: My son wants to live with his dad and is using everything
PostPosted: Wed May 13, 2009 9:28 pm 
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Joined: Wed May 13, 2009 9:07 pm
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My 9 year old daughter keep threatening that she is goin to go live w her dad, and I am leaning toward "becareful what you wish for bc you just might get it and let her go here and make her stay for a whole week. HE is the "FUN" dad, but he does not take or allow her any of her outbursts that she gives me 24/7.

I feel soooo bad, bc the thought of a whole week of NO, back talk no disrespect no arguments, no challenges sounds like heaven.


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