I wanted to share a difficult story with everyone. And while I don't know the end result yet, I thought it worthwhile to share. It's using the TT techniques from James Lehman.

My 19 yr old had made a big decision to transfer from a local community college here in Indiana, to a fabulous new opportunity in Montana. She made this decision over the last winter (Jan/Feb 2009). We did campus visits, picked a really cool major and course of study and fell in love with the area. She was also offered scholarships and other financial aid that was so great. She was an absolute joy to be around and excited to make this change. But financial aid package didn't cover all her expenses.

A few weeks before she was scheduled to go to UMT in August 2009 (last month); she acted out horribly. She got hooked up with a LOSER of a 27 yr old guy. She stopped returning phone calls or texts. She quit (or maybe fired?) from her long term job , threatened to get tattoos in very visible places , started doing drugs, etc - and did a total nosedive. I was so furious at her behavior and lack of responsibility and accountability that I made a very difficult decision.

The day before we were to leave (which was the first time I could get her in a room!) - I sat her down and said. Make a decision. Go or don't go to Montana. If you don't go - you don't live with me behaving this way. If you live with me you pay rent and all your expenses. If you do go to Montana -- you've just lost the additional funding/expense coverage I was going to provide due to your recent, out-of-control behavior.

I said for me to write a check for several thousand dollars for someone who has not exhibited the responsibility to accept such I gift - was not going to happen now. I told her she needed to increase her college loans, and could use the last of her money that was in savings (which we were holding on for next year). She said OK (rather defiantly)! So, it's totally her skin in the game. If she chooses to sink or swim on this great opportunity to study at such a wonderful place - it will be her decision - and not my money.

It was very difficult to make that choice, but I just don't have thousands of dollars to toss around. And I've seen over and over and over again, kids blow their parents money in college and not take it seriously. And the parents just throwing more money at the problem. I don't think that real life works that way. And I am glad I came across TT to give me the strength and logic to support my decision.

So I don't know how it will turn out yet. But I know this. She now sounds like her normal self again on the phone. She has dropped kicked the loser boyfriend back in Indiana; she has made a ton of new friends in Montana; she says she loves her classes and being responsible on her job again. I am still not sold on giving her any money at this point. I need to see grades and long term proof that she's in this for real. And even then I may not contribute. If these kids don't have their own skin in the game, it is very difficult for them to be accountable - BOTTOM LINE.

The TT has worked for me in more than one situation. I hope this story is valuable to others.

Hi Lynnedr11!

All I can say is... BRAVO! Tough love IS tough, isn't it? We cut off funds from our 20 year old last year. Her issues are far more complicated than your daughter's, so she's our work in progress, but we have found the tough love to be the right approach with her. Even for little things, we don't give her any funds anymore.

You are absolutely right. The world isn't going to cut our children a break. Too many kids nowadays have this huge sense of entitlement -- like the world owes them a living. We don't do them any favors by encouraging that attitude.

My parents didn't pay for my college, and neither did my husband's parents. I am a dentist and he has a PhD in Biochemistry/Molecular Biology/Genetics. We both earned most of it through scholarships and educational grants, but by no means did the scholarships cover everything -- especially for my dental school. We did not party. When it's your own money on the line, you learn quickly to spend it wisely. So we have made the decision with our own children to spare no expense when it comes to paying for private schooling, tutoring, or whatever learning they need UNTIL they graduate from high school. BUT, it's up to them to be responsible enough during those years to earn the grades so they can get the scholarships to college. If they don't, they will have to get student loans and pay them back themselves.


Good luck!
Warmly,
Teresa

It's good to hear others' responses to their adult children's disrespectful behavior. I'm glad to hear you cut off the financial support. It gives me the corroboration that once a child is of age and making his/her own decisions, that a parent has the right to cut off financial support and not keep supporting some very bad habits and behavior. I don't feel you need to financially support a potentially destructive lifestyle. I don't intend to either.

Kudos!

Good job!! Sounds like things are turning for the best. Reminds me of my friend whose daughter went away to college at a cost to him of around $20,000.00. She discovered partying and got d's and f's. He wouldn't support this so she had to return home, get a job and go to the local community college on her own dime. My situation is with my son. He doesn't want to visit his parents any more because he feels we always "rag" on him (He lives at college 30 miles away). He recently got an earring in the upper part of his ear which upset his mother. She let him know of her disapproval. He does these things that he knows his parents disapprove of and then can't understand why we "rag" on him. He only has one semester left in college, which we have been paying. He covers all his other expenses. I'm trying to decide how I want to handle things when he returns from college. It will most likely be with no job and no money. I'm thinking of giving him two months at home and then he's out, job or no job. I'd let him stay at home if he wanted if he would pick up after himself and change his lifestyle of staying up late, sleeping until noon or later and then when he gets up, he just watches TV or spends his time on the computer with things like facebook, etc.