My 18 year old daughter is a senior in high school, lives at home, has no job. Her strategy for maintaining control is running away. She leaves the house, will not say where she is going and is away usually just overnight, on school nights. This usually happens when she wants to go out, hasn't done any studying or met an expectation like cleaning up after herself. I may try to give a consequence and her answer is to run off. If I take away a privilege like texting or computer time, she heads for the door. Twice I have just watched her go and hoped for the best. Sometimes this happens when she has a breakup with a boyfriend. She wants to walk or drive to his house thinking, I guess that he'll take her back. Last time, a friend of hers picked her up and took her to the boy's house. My daughter ended up walking around this boy's neighborhood in the dark refusing to come home (according to another mother who informed me). This can also happen over requirements to study. She wants to go to college, but won't maintain the grades she has to do so. Her senior year may end up in failure. She doesn't care and can't see that she'll spoil her own chance to go to college and play soccer which she does enjoy.

There seem to be no consequences I can attach to her defiant behavior. She is motivated by "hanging" with friends and soccer. My husband refuses to get involved. He is her coach and has always refused to use "no soccer" as a consequence to other bad behavior. He thinks "all kids are like that" and we have nothing to say about it. When conflict arises he does his best "ostrich" imitation (head in the sand).

Today I am waiting for the next confrontation as my daughter has gone through another breakup with a boy who has been in and out of the picture for about 2 years. I know because I heard part of a conversation with him at 2 am last night and she was crying and begging him "not to" break up. This is about the 3rd such conversation over the last 2 years which have resulted in her leaving the house and me calling the police for help. My daughter's grades are not good and she really needs to study today. It's my birthday and I'd really like a calm day.

Any advice or suggestions are welcome. Thanks.

Dear LSK:

It’s really hard to know for sure because I haven’t met your daughter and you’ve just written a few lines about her, so this is just a guess. It sounds like she has difficulties managing her emotions--that they just become too much for her--and moving, doing something, going somewhere, helps reduce the tension. You might start there instead of with consequences and put her in touch with a mental health counselor who can do an evaluation and see if she is struggling emotionally. As you say, the behavior is affecting her school work as well as her social life. Let her know that you’d like her to have someone to talk to and if she doesn’t like the counselor she’s seeing, you will find another one that she hits it off with. I actually would not take away soccer at this point as the physical outlet may be very important to helping her maintain her emotions. Exercise is really good that way. Keep in touch with us and let us know how things progress.

[quote="Carole Banks"]Dear LSK:

It’s really hard to know for sure because I haven’t met your daughter and you’ve just written a few lines about her, so this is just a guess. It sounds like she has difficulties managing her emotions--that they just become too much for her--and moving, doing something, going somewhere, helps reduce the tension. You might start there instead of with consequences and put her in touch with a mental health counselor who can do an evaluation and see if she is struggling emotionally. As you say, the behavior is affecting her school work as well as her social life. Let her know that you’d like her to have someone to talk to and if she doesn’t like the counselor she’s seeing, you will find another one that she hits it off with. I actually would not take away soccer at this point as the physical outlet may be very important to helping her maintain her emotions. Exercise is really good that way. Keep in touch with us and let us know how things progress.[/quote]

Carole: I think you have something there. I do think she has always, since early childhood, had trouble with strong emotions. I could cite many instances where she hasn't handled strong feelings well. One such is that at age 3-4, her grandfather and uncle (more like a playmate, only 4 years older) with whom she was well acquainted and had previously had good times with, came to visit. It wasn't a surprise visit. She ran down the hallway of our house and hid in a corner, crying hysterically, and could not be talked out. Other instances include new situations, like skating lessons, or performing in a Christmas pageant, (age 6) even after being acquainted/prepared for the situation, she cried hysterically. She was the only one of 17, 5-6 year-olds that had to be carried from the stage. My husband and I used to have to hide behind the bleachers at her early soccer games or recitals (age 5-7) or she would freeze, cry and have to leave the field. We can, however, watch now, and have been able to for some time. I always thought her reactions were extreme even for her age at the time. My husband's position is and has always been that everything's normal (exaggeration but it's how I feel).

We had seen a psychologist who diagnosed ADHD about 6 months ago. Concerta did no good as far as increasing attention, but it did cause my daughter to lose weight and sleep and become more crabby and hard to manage. We d/c'd the meds. I am scared of Strattera, especially if we are really dealing with emotional problems and not ADHD. I did not like the psychologist we saw. Wasted alot of time and money and she did not seem to want to focus on my daughter's problems preferring to see my husband and me to "get us on the same page".

I am new to blogging and don't want to monopolize, but if I did find a suitable counselor, I doubt my daughter would consent to go without a really good convincing argument from someone other than me. I am public enemy number one in her estimation. I have not handled everything well either. If you have ideas on what type of mental health professional would be optimum, it's possible I can ask our family doctor to intervene in convincing her to go. I would like to get her some help before she enters true adulthood with these habits.

Let me know what you think. Thanks, LSK

I really like Carole's answer. I also like that you are actively seeking solutions.

Here are some articles that will provide insight
http://www.empoweringparents.com/category-Adolescent-And-Teen-Behavior.php

and

http://www.empoweringparents.com/category-Adhd-And-Add.php

I have 4 daughters ages from 36 to 15. I have experienced, alot! What I have learned is that the magical age of 17 is a balancing act. Remember to breath and give yourself and your daughter credit for what is working.