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 Post subject: Son suspended from school. What kind of consequences?
PostPosted: Thu Jan 15, 2009 8:22 pm 
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Joined: Thu Jan 15, 2009 7:58 pm
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Hi! I just started using Total Transformation Program after it collected dust on my shelf for months. As hard as it has been, I am happy to say that I see results. My son is 14 and was diagnosed with Asperger traits, ADHD traits, and mood/anxiety. He is extremely bright (way above grade level) but he is very rebellious. There seems to be a crisis on a daily basis. Today he was suspended for getting into a fight with another boy during his science class (this is a first). The schools suspension procedure is that he will miss the regular school day for five days but he has to report on those five days from 3-5pm. At that time he will be required to do his work quietly in the same room with the other boy and the suspension teacher. My question is this: since he is already receiving consequences for his actions at school "in school", what kind of consequences at home should he get. I get very confused with this because my son seems to always be 10 steps ahead of me. I really see where both my husband and I need to get back control, but we want to do the right thing here. Any suggestions here. Oh, I forgot to mention that I have an 11-yr old girl and a 9-yr old boy. The test us at times, but nothing like the 14-yr old. Please help!


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 Post subject: Re: Son suspended from school. What kind of consequences?
PostPosted: Sat Jan 17, 2009 8:17 am 
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Joined: Tue Jan 13, 2009 11:04 am
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In my opinion the school's handling the consequences very well and I'm not sure they need to be added to at home. However, let your son know how disappointed you are and keep things very quiet and low key for the duration of the suspension. Definitely discuss what the consequences will be on the homefront if this situation repeats itself, and leave it at that. Don't plan any big family activities during this period that could send him the message that he can continue to act like this.

Sometimes, too many consequences can backfire. The school really seems to have a handle on the situation (I'm impressed, actually... most schools would simply have tossed him out and said "come back in five days" but these people are working with your son and the other student, which is pretty good).

Good luck...
KitKat


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 Post subject: Re: Son suspended from school. What kind of consequences?
PostPosted: Mon Jan 19, 2009 1:09 am 
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Joined: Tue Dec 30, 2008 11:39 am
Posts: 114
What will he be doing during the day before he goes to the suspension @3pm?

Maybe time to do baseboards, stack wood or ???? Sure Mom could find some great chores ;)


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 Post subject: Re: Son suspended from school. What kind of consequences?
PostPosted: Tue Jan 20, 2009 4:47 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jan 20, 2009 4:35 pm
Posts: 24
We had an ordeal where in 10th grade our daughter received a 3 day out of school suspension---there wasn't any reporting to school for part or any of the day. She had made the comment to us that she can't wait to catch up on some sleep!! WOW --that got my brain cookin. What we had decided for her to do on her 3 days out of school was that she would be taken to a Nursing Home and volunteer there all 3 days from 9:00 to 3:00. She was shocked when she heard the plan. However it was carried out to the T as planned. We haven't had any problems with suspensions ever since. So that is how we handled a suspension from school in our family. We just don't allow that kind of stuff to go on----we have raised our kids better than this and if they choose to maybe hang with a trouble maker or 2? Then I sure hope it is worth it if they end up getting into some sort of trouble---cuz they WILL be held accountable for their actions.


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 Post subject: Re: Son suspended from school. What kind of consequences?
PostPosted: Wed Jan 21, 2009 4:54 pm 
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Thanks to all who replied! I believe my emotions got in the way. My son really does get the best of me. I was so furious was him on his first day of suspension and we got into a very heated argument (I know - a no no). I am stuck on the fact that he shows no remorse for what he did and doesn't see that what he did was wrong. It was on my mind to "put him to work" but that's just the problem. He absolutely refuses to do what I tell him. He makes threats if I tell him he can't have something. Says everything is unfair, etc., etc. I guess I'm overwhelmed. My biggest problem is the one thing I want to take away from him is his Sidekick but I am concerned about what he will do as a result because he is threatening and borderline violent. His guidance counselor at school recommended that we take it away while he is sleeping. But I already know that he will refuse to go to school the next day and cause a commotion. Consequences mean nothing to him. He just wants his way or no way. He's extremely manipulative, obnoxious and disrespectful and I am really having a hard time on a daily basis. Any suggestions?


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 Post subject: Re: Son suspended from school. What kind of consequences?
PostPosted: Thu Jan 22, 2009 8:10 am 
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OMG that sounds like my 16yr old daughter, she got herself kicked out of one high school, than was home instructed and did nothing except sleep and go on her computer all day while i had to work outside the home. She is finally in a new school out of 9 days she went 2 days. If its not her medication why she can't get up or not fitting into her clothes, she always has an excuse. We take away her ipod, phone & computer which may work for a day. She trashes her bedroom when we tell her she can't go outside with her friends. My husband and I have been listing and applying the total transformation along with the consequenses and they work for a while, I guess it goes back to one day at a time and enjoy the good days.


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 Post subject: Re: Son suspended from school. What kind of consequences?
PostPosted: Thu Jan 22, 2009 11:31 am 
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Joined: Tue Jan 20, 2009 4:35 pm
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Hi Stephmom---after reading your second post I am wondering if on your sons Sidekick (which I am assuming is a cell phone) do you have internet access allowed on that and texting allowed on that? If so---why not cancel those privelages until your child can show you more respect and do things you are asking of him. That way he still has his sidekick---but not the privelages that go along with acting responsible and respectful. I guess if it were my child they would not have the phone in their possession. if he gets violent call the police. Show this kid you mean business and he can no longer be a bully in your home. What you personally need to do is stop reacting to his actions and hurtful words thrown your way. He is doing things to **** you off and likes to see that he has gotten to you. IF you can stop reacting you will be amazed at how quickly things can turn around---it might seem impossible to you right now. And even though this might be a hard thing for you to do right now you need to hug your child (a real, meaningful hug) and tell him you love him. Look him in the eyes when you say that. He might fight the hug to begin with? But eventually he will allow it. Explain to him when things are not irritated how you feel about him and how he acts in the family--tell him he is a role model for the younger kids. Sometimes kids that act out like this are kind of feeling unloved. They may roll their eyes and such on the outside when a parent hugs them---but inside it makes them feel wonderful. Letting this child know things WILL change around your home no matter what lengths you need to go to, will show him it is time to straighten things up. Calling the police can be embarrassing for parents--however it might be just what the doctor ordered in your case as far as if he gets violent when you take something away from him. I hope this has helped you a little bit. We have been through 2 years of HECK with our 16 year old daughter. She has really come full circle though with many restrictions put on her for a good year or so. She will still let her mouth run away from her once in a while --but when they happens she already knows she will be held accountable for doing that...........when she is starting a little rant once in a while I will just remind her in a calm voice that she had better think about what she is doing----cuz we don't allow her to talk to us in that manner. Little reminders here and there sometimes help a teenager---if done in a calm --non emotional way. It is hard not to react to them, BELIEVE me, I know this----I have been practicing this for a good 1 1/2 years now. It really does work!! It is the best feeling you get inside when a child is saying things to get under your skin and you don't react to it---you almost act as though they didn't say anything!! It is a great feeling you get inside that you can rejoice in all by yourself (ON the INSIDE!) :) Alot of the times our kids act like they do because of the way we are parenting them----us not realizing we are creating little monsters at the time. If we change the way we are parenting? The kids will also change---not right away--but a few months down the road you will really notice a change. Sorry this got so long here!! I hope it helps you get through the day a little better. Make some changes and hang in there. It will be so worth the effort you put into not reacting and not letting him know he is making you so angry---keep that inside --do some deep breathing, it honestly helps. OH also teach your son some tactics for learning how to handle his own anger. Deep breathing--positive self talk--ask himself what will happen if I allow myself to get out of control of myself here--- He will thank you for the next few years he has ahead as a teenager!! :) God Bless.


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 Post subject: Re: Son suspended from school. What kind of consequences?
PostPosted: Thu Jan 22, 2009 3:24 pm 
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Joined: Thu Jan 15, 2009 7:58 pm
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Hi, Betty - Thank you so much for your reply and I didn't think it was lengthy at all. I really appreciate your advice. It was just what I needed to hear. When I jumped back into using this program I noticed that my son responded. I actually couldn't believe it. I was going to make a chart to keep track of my "victories" so I would be encouraged to keep going (I haven't done that yet, though). But when I got the call from the school I got sidetracked and didn't know how to apply this program to the situation. My emotions took over and I regressed. I am encouraged, though, to know (and I do know!) that I am not alone. Oftentimes, when you have a child like this your world can feel so small . . . you get tired of hearing yourself complain . . .and you feel that no one understands. Thank you so much for reminding me to hug my son! I do this already and praise him when him when he is "doing the right thing". And I agree that the way my husband and I have been parenting him (mostly me, though) has created a monster. I thank God for this program! Thanks for caring, and just so you know that your words were not in vain, I'm not giving up and will take your words of advice. God bless you and your family. :) :) :)


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 Post subject: Re: Son suspended from school. What kind of consequences?
PostPosted: Thu Jan 22, 2009 11:02 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jan 20, 2009 4:35 pm
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Hi Stephmom---you are welcome for my words---I don't claim to have all the answers but I do know what seems to have worked to turn our problem child around here. I totally understand your feeling of being alone with this problem--- I would find myself while in a store looking at people with small children and wishing it were my life instead of what we were dealing with at home. I often wondered if these little children will get to be teens and treat their parents badly? I do have one person I speak to with insight on this subject and that is my sister who had a son that was really not a nice person during those teen years. She however decided to hold it all in and not let anyone know about what was taking place in her home. I have asked her how in the world did she make it through all those years not talking to anyone about this?? She said her son started around Jr High age and went through High School graduation and a bit beyond that really. They didn't have the Transformation program around that people knew about when she as going through this. So she really had some bad bad years and days of going to work with puffy eyes from crying most of the night.............well all of us with one or more of this type of acting out child have done the puffy eye thing to work in the mornings. That is one thing I dont' do anymore and I am so glad. It took me by such suprise when our daughter started treating us so poorly!! All I could do was cry about it---and that just gave her the power she was seeking. She now knows it is very hard to get mom to react or cry to anything that might come out of her mouth. About all I will say to her if anything is "That is not allowed in this house and you won't talk to me that way". I honestly think that is why it doesn't happen much anymore. We are a farming family and my husband hasn't had a big hand in raising the kids until about 2 years ago. He finally stepped in and let our daughter know him and I were standing strong on rules and boundaries for this family and consequences for misbehavior. I am thinking we may not have had all these issues with our daughter had my husband been there for all the prior years of their growing up. He was just too busy farming and I kept expressing to him how important it is that he spend quality time with his kids----BUT. You really can't change anyone but yourself. People have to pay the price for how they have acted in their lives---wether you are a teenager or an adult. That will be his devil to deal with later in life if he suddenly feels bad for not being a more involved dad. With my constant prodding he is beginning to see that maybe I have the right idea---I hope he can open up more for his kids' sakes. He grew up in a family that never hugged or said the words I love you, or Good Job or anything positive really!! So Sad. So old habits die hard I guess you could say. ANYWAY---- :) I will cut this off here. As you have seen for yourself when you follow the rules of the program you do see results---I think your charting thing is a very good idea. It will show you you are making some progress. So good luck and god bless.


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