I agree with your other respondents. Your husband is doing his son no favors by letting him be irresponsible and abusive. At 21 the son is an adult. If this situation does not stop now when will it? If your husband cannot put his marriage to you ahead of enabling an irresponsible, manipulative, abusive adult, then there is little hope for your marriage. I suspect that your husband doesn't see it in these terms. He thinks that he and his son can disrespect you and that you will continue to support them because that is your role. Only you can change this dynamic. Your husband needs to understand that he has to respect you and your reasonable demands for a peaceful home life, and that he needs to communicate those demands to his son and if his son can't meet them then he needs to move out on his own. In fact his son needs to move out on his own anyway. Why should his son keep a job? He doesn't need one; he has free rent, food, laundry and maid service.

My son sounds like your step-son. He bounced from our home and friends homes until he was 24 years old. I spent a fortune trying to hold him up and almost destroyed my marriage to my second husband. My husband was very strict while I was very lax (which is a another story in itself). I always felt that I had to protect my son from the strict step-father.
Anyway, my son had moved in with his younger sister. She finally gave up on him and was moving out. My daughter and I sat down with him and told him "those people who don't work and don't have goals in life lived under bridges". I told him I loved him more than my own life, but HE COULD NOT MOVE BACK HOME WITH ME and I COULD NOT CONTINUE TO SUPPORT HIM!!!" I was unbelievably devastated to do it but I had no choice.
By the grace of GOD, he had been talking about joining the service. He joined the Coast Guard and stayed with us until he shipped out to boot camp. He came back a different person. He was confident and sure of himself for the first time in his life.
I'm not saying that your step-son join the service. I am saying that when my son finally escaped from me, he was able to become a man. I had never let him fall without my picking him up. I did that for 24 years. By always picking him up, I HAD CRIPPLED HIM.
You don't have to leave your husband but maybe you could be the catalyst for the change they both need. It is a very tough world and it sounds like this kid does not have the skills to face it. Also, it is very heartbreaking to see your child lost in the world and even more heartbreaking to not know how to help them. Seek outside help. Counseling is not a admission of failure. It can be a new beginning.

UPDATE: At almost 22 (in December) my step-son is still in his apartment (by the skin of his teeth). He works part time with only 10-15 hours. He can't seem to get more hours, or another job. He was almost evicted and we didn't want him moving back home. So, we have helped pay his rent for the last several months. He still sleeps until noon, has had auto accidents and tickets. My husband has threatened, but won't take the car away, or stop helping him. There is never follow through on my husband's threats and my step-son know this. There is always an excuse, story or lie. He also manipulates us for gas and food money; every week it's something... My husband is afraid if he doesn't help him, his son will fall apart, or worse. When I was my step-son's age I had a full time job and stuggled. I never went to my parents for help. I was too proud. My husband was 17 when he left home and also was self sufficient. I don't get it.

In response to the previous comment, we did try counciling with him and he lied to the doctor. The doctor didn't see through the manipulation. It was a waste of money. He's been to shrinks and pharmacologists. Nothing seems to work.

I am new to this site, but I have read your issues. I have the same problems. I have a 21 year old stepson that has been my stress now since he was 16. Pothead, adhd (somewhat), lazy, trouble with the law and was arrested 3 times. I tried to be a good stepfather and this kid was a nightmare from the beginning. He didn't listen to anyone, came and went as he pleased. Didn't graduate high school, even when they let him come back to try and finish, he stil skipped class.

We finally made him move out and one thing and another, he had to move back in. Stayed for about 3 months and moved in with his girlfriend, that lasted about 6 months before they ran into trouble. Now he is back with us for 5 months now. Works part time, but doesn't look for more work. Doesn't really pitch in unless he is asked. He was on his 4 vehicle, but it broke down and he sold it. I am at my wits end with this kid. His mom, doesn't want to kick him out because she is afraid he'll be homeless, but I've had with trying to coach him.

So you are not alone.

[quote="beachwoody"]Pothead, adhd (somewhat), lazy, trouble with the law and was arrested 3 times. I tried to be a good stepfather and this kid was a nightmare from the beginning. He didn't listen to anyone, came and went as he pleased...We finally made him move out ... Doesn't really pitch in unless he is asked... I am at my wits end with this kid. His mom...is afraid he'll be homeless, but I've had with trying to coach him.

So you are not alone.[/quote]

Yup, all the above applies here too. I know your frustration. Throwing him out at 16 though, is that legal? Unfortunately I believe our spouse's are to blame. My husband can't say no to him - and my stepson knows it. With this recession things have been very tight around here and my stepson still gets tickets (he can't afford to pay - so we do, since the car's in my name) and asks for money every week. My only hope is that his license is revoked (he has several tickets and accidents), then my husband has agreed we will take the car away and sell it. I won't let him move back home. Even my husband agrees the negative energy around here isn't good for our well being. The kid is almost 22 years old.

Did you pay for his 4 cars? My SS is still driving his 1st car. He almost lost it when it was just about totaled in his last accident, but the insurance company paid to rebuild it. Our insurance is more than likely going to be through the roof; it's up for renewal in December. Another reason I hope my SS's license is revoked; we'd be able to remove him from our policy.

Is his father any help, or around? How does all this effect your marraige? It's been increrdibly rough on mine.

Let me clarify, we had him move out when he was 18. For his cars, we had given him the first one and the insurance paid for the second, I helped him on the 3rd and 4th ones, they weren't very expensive, but I still dolled out about $1500. He can only use one of our cars to go to work at this point and that's it. For your son, I would not pay his tickets for him, let him pay them. He got them, he should pay them. It has nothing to do with your car though. It only affects him. As far as taking him off the insurance, be careful. I am an insurance agent and I can tell you that if you exclude him off your policy at some point, he cannot drive any vehicle in your household if he lives with you.

My marraige gets stressed at times. I see my wife's point of view because she loves her son, but enough is enough. I am taking the reigns now. Yelling about the situation does nothing but stress everyone out. I calmly explain why he isn't doing this or that while he is with us. If he doesn't like it, he can always leave though I know that is not an option for him at this point. I wouldn't be giving your son any money though. It just makes them lazier. Like I tell my stepson, you created your life the way it is now, I didn't, so don't look to me to give YOU money or things. You need to do that for yourself. He needs to make a plan and stick to it. Right now my stepson wants to join the police academy. He's seen one side of the law, maybe he will make a go of this as he has connections with officers in the area, but it is up to him. They are adults at this point and as far as I'm concerned, they need to do for themselves. I may give in for now for him to have a place to live, but I don't have to drive him anywhere or make sure he has leisure activities. He should of thought of that before he didn't do the right things.

At this point our insurance is over $800 per month due to him (and his brother). I think it would only be a bit over $200 if it was just for my husband and I. It would save us this expense. We would only remove him from our policy if his license is revoked. He won't be driving then, so at that time we will sell his car. If the car's no longer around he won't be tempted to drive without a license. The car is in my name, not his, so if the tickets aren't paid it goes to warrant and will reflect on me. The street cameras take his picture at the time of violation, but the ticket comes to me/my name. Also, the fee will go up. He can't afford his expenses now, so can't afford a $400 ticket x 2 at the moment. My back is up against the wall on that, unfortunately, and he knows it so doesn't learn from it. The only way he'll learn is with the repurcussion of losing the car.

As far as giving him money - that's my husband's issue - not mine - believe me. It absolutely infuriates me. He claims he doesn't have money for food. My husband doesn't want him to starve. Then he claims he doesn't have money for gas to get to work. Yet, he drives all over the place; miles away to see friends and go to nightclubs etc. and lies to us about it.

Hopefully the Police Academy will straight your step son out. My step son was in the Police Academy Cadet program very briefly in high school and it didn't work out too well. He wasn't used to be ordered around and not being coddled as my husband had done to him all his life.

I would take this stance when it comes to your husband as I have now done with my wife. As your husband has now become an enabler with his son, giving him money to go out, for gas,etc without earning it or helping "fix" his problems, that is not helping his son at all. Your stepson like mine, needs to understand that their actions have led them to where they are now and THEY own that, no one else. The same way I tried to keep my stepson on the straight and narrow and he got into trouble.

Your husband needs to take a good look at what he is doing. Is he preparing his son in any way for the future? What happens if he wasn't there to pick up the pieces? Would his son "starve"? I doubt it. His son would probably do what he needed to. But this is something he needs to do now. You owe them nothing at this point, especially when you have helped over and above what you need to. In my home, my stepson may be with us, but the free ride is definately over.

If I added up all the tickets, fines, bail, etc. that my stepson paid over the years, we would probably have a small downpayment on a home.

I absolutely agree, but it's his kid and he's the husband... So, basically, I can take a stand, but my husband makes the final decision. I have been fighting with my husband over the way he's raised this boy from age 8 to almost 22. My husband is now finally starting to see the light. The problem he's having is seeing his kid suffer and this kid knows how to push his buttons. So, if he was short on rent money, or utilities, food, or gas money, he boohoos and my husband saved him. My husband has now told him no more. He even told him that we will be selling his car if his license is revoked. This is a big one. My step son argued, "No, that won't happen" and couldn't talk his way out of this one. He doesn't seem to get that with all of his accidents/tickets that it's an actual possibility. My husband said there is no argument, it's happening. I'll believe it when I see it, but it's definitely a step in the right direction. This kid has been enabled and babied his entire life due to his ADHD. There was ALWAYS an excuse for whatever he did. He never had to be accountable. While his twin got punishments for bad behavior, he always freaked out and my husband would give in and take the punishment away. Incredably frustrating to watch...