My 14 yo daughter has already runaway once. She was told she couldn't spend the night at a friends house because she was swearing and having a poor attitude and she basically said "I'll do what I want" and left. She was gone for a week running around town, crashing at her friends. The police were no help. They said we had to provide a place for her to live but she didn't have to stay. Legally she can come and go as she pleases. The only reason she came home was the parents of one of the girls found out she was a runaway and threatened to take away their daughter's car. In our daughter's eyes she proved her point bc she managed to find places to sleep. We are a two parent, educated, middle class family.

After a week back at home she decided she didn't want to live by our rules and she went to live with her grandmother (same city, different high school). She promised she would get good grades and follow the rules but of course none of that happened. She is failing all her classes, skipping class, and her grandmother decided it was easier to let her come and go as she pleases rather then enforce the rules she had originally set. So now the school and the grandmother don't want her anymore. The counselor says we need to try "tough love" and if she runs away, she runs away, oh well...As the mother of the beautiful 14yo, this doesn't sit well with me. I will never be able to have a moments peace if my daughter runs away again.

She has been seeing a psychiatrist and therapists on and off for years. The only diagnosis they will give us is ADD, they say she is too young to label her with any type of psychiatric diagnosis. We have never seen any progress with any of the different professional she has seen. None of the medications she has tried (well over a dozen) have worked. And now that she discovered that in this state she can make her own medical decisions at 14 she has stopped taking her mood stablizer. It really didn't seem to be making a difference in her behavior, so I guess that is not my main concern.

We are going to ask her to come back home. We never kicked her out. But she will have to live by normal house rules, we do have a younger child at home. And she will have her priviledges severely restricted until her grades and attitude improve. My gut feeling is she is going to say no way and just runaway again. Any suggestions/advice on how to get through to her? The crowd she has been hanging around with is a bunch of delinquents who don't have her best interests in mind. I am so afraid that if she runs away and eventually comes back, the person we get back will be damaged beyond repair. I am desperate for help.

I'm am there with you. My son is 15 and will be 16 in about a month. I order guide to consequences by James Leman. I do suggest it, very, very helpful.

What you got is the same i got, a spoiled brat!!! I hate hearing it myself, I like you also hate hearing tough love cuz it is the scariest thing to hear..... sadly, it's the truth! I'm learning it to so i'm not just preaching it. Your daughter is out of control for sure! Now, the question is how do u get it back???? Quit letting her know how scared you are. I've become a thron in my son's life-literally! He may act like he isn't afraid of me, guess what, his friends are... just like what happened with your daughter, her friends mom stepped in and said " her or car" trust me, that will continue. When she comes home, does she just go back to having all comforts of home? Ex: tv, I pod, computer, clean towels for shower, clean clothes???? U must stop! I took my son to a program called " Dose of Reality " another name is " scared straight" pretty powerful. Are you giving her money???? If you continue to let her friends know she's a run away and any 1 of them that lets her stay with them will get into trouble, watch how quick they turn on her.... it's a power struggle and it's awful, I know cuz I'm living it. My son is learning he's losing his control, I'm not responding to his outrages any longer and when he has calmed down, he is still held accoutable so just because I didn't go there with him, Im showing him I am still the BOSS. It's a great dvd and I really suggest it. Your daughter may be into drugs, have you drug tested her??? My son is, he smokes weed and drinks cough syrup. That really is when the change came with him. Most of the time it is. Test her in case you haven't. Also, u can have her admitted into hospital for 72 hrs, she won't like that much, remind her when she runs away, you can have her placed somewhere where she wont like it...... Good luck and much prayers...

Elle,

It’s understandable that as a parent you are concerned and worried about your daughter’s choice to possibly run away again. It is a decision that involves risk and the most effective way to try get her to make better decisions around how she handles consequences and rules in the home is to do some problem solving with her on this issue. She may view this as the only option to obtaining what she wants and doesn’t see the alternatives. Even though you have every right to have fears about what will happen if she runs away, do the best you can not to overreact or negotiate the rules in your home. We don’t want your daughter to learn that running away or threatening to run away is a powerful tool to get what she wants from people. Address it, come up with a plan as to how to deal with it when it happens but don’t give it that power because your daughter won’t likely be interested in changing if it works. I’ll include a two part article series on running away written by James Lehman that is extremely insightful and will give you useful guidelines on how to manage the situation. I’d also like to briefly speak to your mention of her privileges being ‘severely restricted.’ Bear in mind that rules are important and the most effective way to motivate her to comply is by using short term consequences that are tied to behaviors instead of attitude. James Lehman would say that we don’t have any control over how our child feels, so it’s more manageable for the parent to help the child change their behavior. I’ll also throw in an article that covers how to set up consequences in a manner that will motivate your daughter to change.



http://www.empoweringparents.com/Runaway-Teens-Why-They-Do-It-and-How-to-Stop-Them.php

http://www.empoweringparents.com/Consequences-For-When-Runaway-Children-Want-to-Come-Home.php

http://www.empoweringparents.com/Consequences-Dont-Work-for-My-Teen-Here-Why-and-How-to-Fix-It.php

My 13, almost 14 year old daughter is not where your daughter is yet.
She is too afraid and needy on the inside but she pushes the limits everywhere else
to self-piercing (additional piercings other than ears against house rules until you're 18),
to not doing what she's asked when she's asked, telling us what se's going to do.
My daughter also, however, has low self-esteem, an eating disorder & cuts.
My heart goes out to you as I know inside you are heartbroken.
I agree that there comes a time of Tough Love.
Currently our daughter has no text, no computer & limited television. I find that when she
is out of the influence of her friends online/onphone, most of whom we don't even know
these days because of the vastness of networking sites like MySpace and Facebook, that
she behaves better, is 'nicer' and has an overall better attitude.

Your police dept. has it all wrong.
YOU are the parent. Your DAUGHTER is your child.
As long as you are not physically abusing, you can lock the doors and turn on your house
alarm at night - it will give you peace of mind - let her know you are paying attention -
and that truly you care.

Something that I have considered is 'Teen Brat Camps'. Not a good term, but basically it's
a go away and get help type of place. This isn't for everyone and can be quite costly - however,
sometimes you really need mre than you're getting from a personal counselor.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Be tough and be proud to call yourself M.O.M. = Mean Old Mom!

I have a 17-year-old that will be 18 in one month. We went through a roller coaster ride with her. She ran away and began cutting and lied consistently. We got her into a probation officer but unfortunately she would not listen to us because we wanted her to go to the courts but she thought talking with her would solve the problems, so by the time she knew it wouldn't it was too late because by the time we got her before the courts she would be 18, so we decided it was time to let her go because we have 6 other children that was watching all of this! The police were wonderful with us, they always did their best to find her and bring her home and was always on our side! We knew legally we could get in trouble for letting her go but they said as long as we had an address we were within our legal rights! My daughter worked so she did have that going for her! It was only four months that she was on her own with her boyfriend and now wanted to come home as she is now pregnant! But she learned that it is hard out there and not what she thought! Sometimes tough love is the only answer! My daughter said to me a couple of weeks ago, "Wow, Mom I wished I had listened to you and dad." Those words were joy to my ears! I didn't want to see her go through this path but sometimes there are kids that can only learn the hard way as much as we try to steer them from it! We have a 13-year-old that will be 14 in a month and now she is starting the same pattern! She ran away and with the help of the police we brought her home and said that if she continued we would send her to Juvi. We will not accept this behavior for any reason! She is also cutting and I have started checking daily and if she cuts again we will have her hospitalized! The main thing is following through! Our children were raised in the church and they have everything they need but unfortunately society sets in and they think it's better on the other side! Be tough and hang in there! They may have learn a few hard lessons but ultimately you'll see results! God Bless you! Don't feel like a failure, your not!

My daughter started running away when she was 15. As James says, it was the only way she knew how to solve her immediate problem, whether it was having to go to school or go to bed. If she didn't want to do it, she would run.

In SC she can not come and go as she pleases until she is 17. Then, as a parent you can't stop her from going, you have to let her in when she decides to come back, and you are finacially responsible for her if she steals, or vandalizes. Check the laws of your state. I think that at 14 she can not come and go as she pleases.

After the 6th time the police called to say they had picked her up, we drove 7 hours to Alabama and enrolled her in Elk River Wilderness Challenge. It was the best decision we made. We had to sell 2 cars, borrow money from my parents and cash in life insurance. It was so expensive but absolutely worth it.
Once she accepted the fact that she was there until she complied, she decided to get with the program. She learned problem solving, respect, responsibiliy, and accountability for her choices. You can contact me personally at rayellen@bellsouth.net if you want to know more.