Oh heck yeah, we've been there. My ten year old is doing pretty well right now (as far as physical expressions of anger go) but it flares up and then subsides again for a while. He is very big for his age (people think he's 15) but as a single mom I realized long ago that one day he would be bigger than me and I would have to learn to deal with this in an alternate way than relying on physical restraint or anything. The Total Transformation gems that I am reminded of in the Empowering Parents newsletter help a lot. When things are really bad I go back to "There's no excuse for abuse, period!". Another one that comes in handy is when I am reminded that his out-of-control expressions of anger are basically bad problem solving techniques. Much later, when he is calmer, I try to find out why he is so angry (if there is any obvious cause) and try and give him some tools to handle the situation better the next time. Sometimes I'll give him a suggestion of what he might do instead the next time he's in a similar situation, or some words to say to that person who pushes his buttons, or some way to breathe before he reacts, etc. Don't get me wrong, there is no magic wand waving here, and I'm not even sure that he's listening...(right now his big thing is to always tell me to "shut up")...but some of it has sunk in over time. Perhaps just me listening to him calms him down just knowing someone is on his side. But even then I threaten military school quite often! It's so easy for me to forget what perspective he's viewing this from, but when he actually will tell me, I try and honor it and maybe re-frame it a little bit and try to get him to see things from another perspective.
My son was diagnosed with ADD and ODD and I have been fortunate that the ODD has not taken over. I really, really appreciate the bravery of the parents who have really had to deal with some doozies and yet still share the experience so other parents may not have to live the same fate. My heart really goes out to these people! It is a fine line sometimes when you actually become scared of your child. When that happens I'm not sure how you can get control back so I try and not let it escalate that far. He does know that I have my limits and I will get the police involved if I have to. Mostly I think he lashes out when he feels the most overwhelmed and out of control himself. When I can find the good in him and empower him to remove the stumbling blocks himself (by coaching him through a situation) he seems to really get a boost of confidence that dispels the angry outbursts for a while until we get another issue to work on.
One of the hardest things I've had to deal with is losing friends and family relationships over his behavior. People just don't get it and assume you're being a wimpy parent or just ignoring them all-together. It is socially just as hard for the parents as it is for the child, I think. I guess it's been a bit easier for me now since he's ten and can understand better why he is responsible and accountable for his actions. Not that he wants to be! But at least he has peers he wants to be "cool" for and it is no longer the total "whack-job tantrum" in a public place. When he was a small child people used to say, "Man! I've never seen a kid like that before! God! Get me out of here! He's totally losing it!" as they glare at me or scold me on the proper behavior of children. Well as any parent of an ODD kid knows, THAT (the normal expectations of child behavior) went out the window a LONG TIME AGO!
Just know that you're not alone in the least and you will muddle through this probably better than you fear you won't.