Help. Our 17-year old son is in juvenile detention right now for stealing electronics. We were alerted via phone call from the victim that his name would be mentioned to the police, so my husband called my son's friend's mother, where he has been hanging out, and she found the stolen stuff in his backpack. She wanted him out of her house, naturally, but we were afraid he would run. So my husband got the police to go with him and wait outside while he went in and confronted him. The police took him to the station, where he did confess but won't name the friends who were with him. Now he's in juvenile detention, with a court hearing in a few days.

We visited our son yesterday for the first time since he's been in JD. He was totally unremorseful and blames my husband for turning him in, saying since his dad screwed him over, now he's going to screw us over. When I told him this was a chance to turn his life around, he said he won't do so and instead will "go down". He admitted to being angry with us and didn't want to talk, so we left after 25 minutes (the visiting time allowed is an hour).

Some background: Our son was never a problem kid until about two months ago. He was doing relatively well in school, and last year chose to go to a private religious school for his junior year, but this year went back to the high school. He got his driver's license last July, and then got a part-time job and was doing really well, until school started. He got the flu and missed some school right away, then he started skipping school occasionally, or skipping some classes. The days he missed school he didn't call his work place, and eventually they fired him. The job was part of his school credits. He started hanging out with a friend from several years ago, and this friend is 18 and has been in trouble with the law several times for stealing, etc., and has been in and out of juvenile detention. He is beligerant with his mother, who is divorced and has triplets (all 18 years old!) in her house, along with the 4-month old baby of her daughter (the one triplet). She doesn't have control over these kids, and they have friends in and out of the house (basement bedroom) all the time. The other triplet brother is also on probation and house arrest right now. Our son has been staying at this house off and on.

We had already taken away the use of the car for our son due to his skipping school. Despite that, he left our house 6 days ago and started hanging with these friends for the rest of the week. He wouldn't call or come home until the 4th day, then he got fresh clothes, food, showered and left again. That night was the night he broke in and stole the electronic stuff. We feel he and his friends may have stolen other stuff out of cars, we don't know.

We are heartsick and are concerned that this stint in JD won't turn our son around, since he seems unrepentent right now. Granted, it was the first day after he went in. He will be there at least three more days until his hearing. What do we say to him when we visit him? He doesn't want to talk to us, even asked why we were visiting him. He is defiant. What if he acts sorry in front of the judge, and they release him into our custody, and he does something even worse criminally? We have asked for a public defender, but I think it won't make a difference. We want him to pay for his crime, but more so, we want him to learn his lesson and change his life and attitude. My husband is feeling horrible for turning him over to the police, but we know it was the right thing to do. If he hadn't done so, I think our son would be on the run right now. The friend of his has run away before.

My husband doesn't want to go visit our son today during the visiting hour. I feel compelled to go. I told him yesterday that we love him and did this because it was the right thing to do, and that he has to face the music and pay the price. According to the police, the worst he will get is 20-30 days in juvenile detention. Does anyone have some advice as to what I could possible say to sink into him? I did get him to stop and think for a moment yesterday when I asked if he still had faith in God....

mderaba,

It sounds like you’ve been dealing with some difficult decisions in regards to your son’s behavior. Even though it is so uncomfortable and painful to have your son deal with these consequences, it is important for you to hold him accountable. James Lehman says that the consequences are a necessary element in the learning process for these kids; you sent a strong message that stealing is wrong by calling the police and by letting him know that he’s going to have to deal with the consequences. It’s normal for kids who act out to take the victim stance and blame everyone around them. Try to avoid over explaining or defending your actions with your son and allow him to feel how he wants to about the situation. So far you’ve done a great job by being direct and giving your son a clear reason why you did it. You recognize that this event just happened and it will most likely take some time for your son to process what’s happening and to decide what he wants for himself moving forward. It sounds like you know that going to visit your son is the right choice for you and that you’d like to support him; just know that it’s not within your power to change how he feels but you can be present and send him the message that you don’t love him any less because he’s making some mistakes right now.