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 Post subject: At wits end: 16 yr old boy defiant, abusive & won't stop
PostPosted: Tue Jun 02, 2009 9:20 am 
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The more we attempt to enforce simple boundaries, the more defiant our 16 year old male becomes. The parents of 2 other friends dealing with same issues or worse, met with our kids and we informed them that we have agreed on a 10 pm weeknight curfew and midnight weekends, with limited stay overs based on permission from parents. Two of other boys' are from single mother family's and work through the day leaving their sons unattended and also bored. The teens have created a network for obtaining marijuana and rides. We deny them cell phones, money and rides; and reward only with supervised purchases (can't even require receipts...purchases are returned for cash). Now they are recruiting new friend resources to provide unsupervised rides and visits to alternative "blaze pads" with families and parents we have yet to learn about.

Last night's enforcement went array. Two new friends (one who drives) were here past 10. When we attempted to send them away and enforce the curfew (weeknight-family works), our son became belligerent and took off with them, spent the night out wherever, we don't know, along with one of the boys of the family we know. That boys mother was also TOLD he was spending the night out (without permission). That mother is resorted to total tolerance with no recourse, which our sone expects should be our reaction.

We're more than ready to have a psych or boarding resource confiscate our son; or send him to an environment where he appreciates what he would lose since we've exhausted all the recommended responses. In the short term, should we lock him out entirely? Our attempts to restrict access to food, showers, his room to the designated times and limits, are now useless.

I feel very used and ineffective. Local police over the last 6 months have already ticketed him to numerous class 3 misdemeanors here for truancy, runaway, curfew violations; but they only amount to juvenile referrals without much enforcement teeth. The local teens scoff at these methods because juvenile detention resources are overridden from gang extrocities and more severe crimes. Preventative family matters are lowered priority among the local courts, but the police are understanding and cooperative as best as they can when resources allow.

This is of course, according to son and friends' rationale, ALL the dads' fault for not spending enough time with him nor providing expected wants. Time that IS spent is associated with, "all is ok". This acting out has GOT to stop before serious injury or harm occurs. The behavioral admissions are refused unless the seriousness of "clear and present danger to self or others" is as acute as murder or assault and battery...Juvenile detention is not a deterrent nor a rehabilitative option. Family counseling was only being gamed by our son.

Again, what now? Tough love has many meanings and actions. What I've read about these various modalities of some hundred boarding schools has me very cynical about the possible abuses on that course, as well as the long term negative consequences. Naturally, we fear the worst.


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 Post subject: Re: At wits end: 16 yr old boy defiant, abusive & won't stop
PostPosted: Wed Jun 03, 2009 1:33 pm 
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Since the above was posted, son has been reported as a runaway (now near 48 hours) and, learned that locking out is not really an option for CPS liability reasons. His room has been cleared of all comforts (posters, electronics, games, etc.) and the Residential Treatment facility is on standby to receive him if he can be safely taken there (suicide prevention and detox). All prayers are appealing his safety. We received the Total Transformation kit from Dr. Lehman right in the nick of time. It has brought us hope during a very emotional time in our lives. I encourage ALL parents to incorporate this even if there aren't any major issues occurring. We wish we had onlt learned these techniques 15 years ago.


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 Post subject: Re: At wits end: 16 yr old boy defiant, abusive & won't stop
PostPosted: Tue Jun 09, 2009 7:52 am 
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We're right in there with you. Our rebellious, depressed/anxious 16 year old boy thankfully is not yet "self medicating" with marijuana and hasn't yet been spending nights out "who knows where" but he's killing us with disrespect, defiance and other attitude issues you have mentioned. Including making psychiatrists/doctors and a hospital residence stay difficult and sometimes useless. These have emptied our wallets and savings - as his older sister's first big college payment is looming.
It's very hard to avoid the pounding questions about your presumed parenting mistakes - taking blame just happens if we don't actively fight it. So if it's any encouragement to hear this from yet another set of parents, you're not alone. Not even close. But most of your friends who are in similar situations with their teens won't talk to you about it unless you suspect their struggles and bring it up. People have a natural desire to hide these problems because they're afraid of what other people might think about their parenting/family/home. In most of the severe cases, however, the kid will finally do something that makes parents feel naked in the street...like everyone must know about your problems and they're thinking all kinds of bad things about you. Especially if your kid is telling his friends all kinds of lies about you...which of course may then be going to their parents who will rarely try to verify with you what they hear. Extended family can be the worst when it comes to these assumptions and judgments. WE HAVE TO LET THAT GO. True friends will stand with us - they know us well enough to believe we're doing all we can to deal with the situation in the right way. They love and trust you enough to not pass judgment on consequences you use that could sound crazy or "mean" to those who don't walk in your shoes. Hopefully you have at least one friend or another couple who can take this non-judgmental role in your life. You may need to spend a minute thinking about who that could be, then go have coffee with them. But even if you don't have someone like that in your life, remember you're NOT alone.


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 Post subject: Re: At wits end: 16 yr old boy defiant, abusive & won't stop
PostPosted: Tue Jun 09, 2009 9:05 am 
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Your empathy is appreciated. We are fortunate to have a few collaborating parents of some his friends and also other parents who've been there. But as you know that's not much consolation in the midst of the battles. Our search for effective intervention is frustrated with ever new events or obstacles, such as depleted funds as you mention. Insurance is limited to acute behavior intakes in which THEIR definition of "clear and present danger to self and others" is nowhere near ours...they expect a murderous rampaging child foaming at the mouth every time we implore admission - their refusals are our continued exasperation. Those boarding school environments are cost prohibitive, quickly exhausting what limited insurance benefits are intact. Certainly, there is NO quick fix. Enveloping prayers include divine intervention for willful arrest if that's what it takes. Sadly, the consequences of having a legal record will reside with more blame on us parents before he takes responsibility for his own actions - which will not likely happen until well after he's clean and clear headed - presuming he survives through such an ordeal. Police are really useless in that they only turn them lose to the parents otherwise. The kids know this parental powerlessness and exploit it. It sadly evokes more hope with fears for more extreme circumstances for an effective intervention, such as a possession arrest. Meanwhile, we take this one day at a time. Heal from the previous one and hope for the best the next day. The TT materials are a great resource but not an effective shield from the frankly, demonic in the meantime. We are dealing with a spiritual battle as well as emotional, hormonal, physical and psychological.


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 Post subject: Re: At wits end: 16 yr old boy defiant, abusive & won't stop
PostPosted: Tue Jun 09, 2009 1:55 pm 
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My husband and I can also relate to your problems with your 16 year old. Our 15 year old son has been using marijuana and experimenting with alcohol and caffeine pills and who knows what else? The marijuana has been going on for at least a year that we know of. We've tried discipline, keeping him apart from other kids we know he does these things with and limiting the money he has access to. These kids will steal to get drugs when they have no money so that brings on another problem. Our son has become extremely disrespectful to us and his brothers, violent towards his brothers and generally upset our household. The one parent is correct...YOU ARE NOT ALONE! This is a rampant problem facing families everywhere. There are several families within our Church who are facing similar situations with their teens. We've decided the enemy is satan, not our child and will continue to pray for our family, our child and each others families. My suggestion is, let us all be prayer warriors in this, recognizing the enemy is satan and encouraging everyone we know to pray for our families, for every family in this nation who is under attack and not let satan be the victor in controlling our kids! We need to unite together in prayer and know we are not in this battle alone...we have each other and God!


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 Post subject: Re: At wits end: 16 yr old boy defiant, abusive & won't stop
PostPosted: Thu Sep 03, 2009 2:52 am 
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Joined: Tue Feb 17, 2009 1:02 pm
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Curfew on weeknights 10pm?? Wow, they are lucky kids to have parents that let them fraternize on school nights let alone weekends! After what happened I wouldn't be allowing any week night hangouts and he would be required to improve behaviors before I even let him watch TV! I think the articles on teenage defiance and agression are good reads right now. I'm still trying to get a hang of my own issues with my stepson whom I've been parenting since he was 31/2 yrs old. If it ever gets to what you guys are dealing with I could almost see myself leaving this family and opting for the peaceful life on my own. Fortunately, I would be able to do this as I'm not a legal parent and emotionally, I don't think I'll have problems disengaging.

We tried counselling for him when he was about 9/10 years old. We decided after a year that it was a waste of time because he spent the time trying to manipulate the counsellor and feeding into his own imagined victimhood. All it did was give him some more attention and really he just needs less of that feeling of control.

I hope you get a grip on things and manage to have some control on what happens in your home. Good luck!


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 Post subject: Re: At wits end: 16 yr old boy defiant, abusive & won't stop
PostPosted: Fri Oct 23, 2009 10:47 pm 
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The toughest part was when I had to show my son that he is the only one that can help himself. 14 years old. I tell him: No matter what you do you will get caught and hopefully your alive. We had the police at my home 5 times in 4 weeks due to domestic violence when the guidelines were expressed and he didn't want to hear that. Breaking anything during your outburst the police get called, I also had him arrested for threatening to bash my face in after confronting him for getting kicked out of school 4 days before the end of the year. (my son is 5'7.5" 140lbs and turned 14 in August, to my 5'3" 120lb single mother) Finally he was taken to detention. Was there 2 days. I told him, when picking him up, he will always be unhappy if your going to choose to be defiant and direspectful. I told him that the rest of the family will carry on and I will pay the monthly bill for him to be contained. My son is trying, but it's difficult for him to make it a whole week without a outburst from him mouth towards me or teachers, but still trying.

Changing counselors, that has been ordered by the courts, so hopefully we will continue to move forward and not fall backwards. Mine is only 14 so I know several more years are to come and we will survive.

My son has the gift to be very athletic and this also makes a difference. All kids and adults need to have an interest in something to keep the mind focused and less board...my thought. Some adults drink out of boardem, kids will wonder as well.


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