I think our 6-year old boy is developing exceptionally well, and I'm not overlooking that he can be a perfect little monster once in a while. He's generally cooperative, doing well in first grade, and is both affectionate and empathetic. Lots of good points.

He gets a little wild and excitable in free play with other kids, can be selfish and self-centered (he's an only child), feels free to argue with his mother and challenge her authority, is inconsistent and manipulative about focussing on homework, paying attention the first time and other elements I associate with asserting his own power. He's almost the youngest in his class, but one of the larger kids in the class. He's at the top academically, but has had to go to the principal's office more than once for being overly aggressive.

Recently he's settled down dramatically in almost all areas. I think my recent comittment taking him to school and picking him up, along with already getting him up in the morning and putting him down at night is helping a lot. His mom recently started working outside of the house for the first time in about 8 years; something that makes her feel much better in general.

I'm concerned that his mother hears about and sometimes reads about parenting ideas and techniques that are very constructive, but are generalizations that are useful to children of all ages. I don't think that she appreciates the idea of age-appropriate moderation, and seems to really want to hold him to adult standards for behavior, calling his misteps "excuses" or my coaching efforts covering up for him or spoiling him. She's easily angered by what she perceives as his challenges to her, and the two of them can spiral up into very confrontational tantrums. I must also acknowledge that this has slowly improved over the past two years.

Our son is quite expressive when he gets frustrated, yelling out his anger and sulking. I'm working with him by coaching him to slowly deep breath and emphasizing the need to calm himself down. I don't think my wife understands the power of modeling, and rationalizes her behavior by saying that this is what it's like at home with all families; that there is one standard for courtesy and impulse control in public, but that at home one needs to feel free to be expressive. She is easily 90% critical and 10% complimentary with him, and even less with me. It almost goes without saying that she was raised in another culture, and that she's modeling her experience growing up in Asia.

I would be most appreciative if other moms would share their thoughts about this, and particularly the importance of calibrating the carrying out of parenting philosophies age-appropriate levels. I would also appreciate any critique of my disclosures, or suggestions where I may be missing the point. Thanks.

Dear Taihao:

There is an article that you might enjoy reading by James Lehman, author of the Total Transformation Program. He talks about the importance of controlling your temper around your kids. It’s entitled: 'Temper, Temper: Keeping Your Cool When Kids Push Your Buttons' at this web site: http://www.empoweringparents.com/How-to-Keep-Cool-When-the-Kids-Push-Your-Buttons.php

hi there.

since you asked, i will tell you what my thoughts are.

i think you are very critical of your wife. it must be very hard for her to feel the authority of being a parent without your support. of course this is only my perception from reading what you wrote.

i imagine that in reality you each have your strengths and weaknesses as parents. my suggestion would be to stop criticizing, analyzing and / or teaching her. focus on your own skills. i have found the total transformation program amazing. i would suggest that you take the course and use the support line. it is invaluable. maybe offer to do it together, but don't force the issue. do it yourself. through example or progress she may be attracted to learning the program also. but either way you will be a better parent for it for sure.

of course this is only my feedback based on very limited information, take it or leave it, but either way i wish you the best of luck with your family!!!

It sounds as if your wife has been overwhelmed with her parenting responsibility - I assume she's been home with him full time until he started school. I also think you cannot underestimate the impact her upbringing has on her reactions to and expectations of your child.

It sounds as if going back to work is helping her feel more balanced - this alone might help the general situation - and you are doing yeoman's labor with school pick up and drop off, morning prep and bedtime, too.

It sounds like you're teaching your son valuable life skills with calming techniques, etc., so I think you should keep doing what you're doing with your child. However, I think you need to lower your expectations that your wife will change her behaviour to match yours.

Maybe talking with him about what he really loves to do will give you some ideas to present to your wife. As she adjusts to her new work schedule, maybe you can help facilitate a fun activity she and your son can do together. Planning positive experiences together might help them both feel empowered and more likely to enjoy each other's company.

Also, with power struggles, it is very important for the two of you to agree to support one another in the heat of the moment and to avoid criticizing one another in front of him. I would expect that this concept will mesh with her cultural background if presented in a neutral way.

FYI - My husband and I are older first time parents (both 50 with a 6yo!!) and we are still striving to support each other's different parenting styles. It's a challenge to maintain the unified front sometimes, but it's well worth the effort.

Hang in there and good luck!

I appreciate the teaching techniques you've put into practice. I used this also to teach reacting differently to common situations first.

What I notice in your message is that the improvements have been over the course of two years and your wife went back to work recently but you take credit for your recent commitment to put your child to bed and get him up. Was your child doing this independently or had your wife been doing it?

Also I noticed that your wife is looking for solutions or other parentling techniques which may or may not work; however, you give credit to your techniques which she seems to have problems accepting after you've put them to practice.

This is a very familiar situation for me, please forgive me if I can't say it superbly.

Your wife speaks to you about her perspective, you don't agree, you find your own solutions, put them into practice and your wife comments afterward.

Might there be an underlying reason why she isn't aware of your new technique before it is adopted with your son?

It seems the discussion should happen before the practice of the technique. The CO-parenting is just as important as using the technique/skill. Putting the skill to work before discussing it appears to undermine the other parent's authority, and participation. Is it possible her temper is something you yourself avoid so you distance yourself?

A temper can be managed; however, avoiding this subject can be detrimental in the parenting relationship. Honest communication is difficult but I believe a loving discussion on the effects of anger and rage may be beneficial.

Parenting and becoming the role model in your child's life includes learning to approach your wife in a respectful, loving way in which you express your appreciation for the years she was a SAHM, and how she has grown over the years. The best gift you can give your 6 yo son is a dad who loves and respects his mom.

I would suggest you validate her reasoning, her own search of skills, and offer to learn/practice the new skills together, and deciding together what is/is not working. She may even ask you to teach her some of those deep-breathing skills you've been teaching your son.

As much as you can, parent jointly and don't worry about who is right and who is wrong, its more about what works and what doesn't, and growing stronger in your marriage doesn't hurt anyone.