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 Post subject: Defiant Adult Stepchildren
PostPosted: Sat Jul 03, 2010 10:52 am 
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Joined: Sat Jul 03, 2010 10:12 am
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I'm so happy I found this site. I need some serious help with my adult stepchildren.

For the past year and half, I have been living with my fiance and his 22 and 25 year old children. Both of them work, but refuse to pay for anything and neither one of them cleans up after themselves. They seem to have the attitude that they don't have to do anything and that Daddy is supposed to support them.

When I first moved in, I didn't realize what I was getting myself into. Being a giving person, I got his son a cell phone, I agreed to help him sign off on a vehicle and got him car insurance. By the end of the year, he hadn't paid for any of the bills and had his car repossessed. He never got any of the money back to me for the cell phone or insurance bills. I felt so taken advantage of that I got in an argument with him about paying for something this year; and then he told me he hated me. After everything I did for him? I was in shock and extremely mad that his father did not back me up on it.

His daughter moved in about eight months ago and has done nothing since. We're basically paying for another room for her to sleep in. She's either at work, at her friends or out partying. His son follows the same lifestyle, but typically makes a huge mess before he leaves. When they are home they're either sleeping, eating or complaining. I've just about hit the roof with all of this. They are quite possibly the biggest spoiled brats I have ever encountered.

It's gotten so bad, that I don't even like to hear them talk. They talk as though they know the answer to everything and constantly whine about their problems (yeah, they have it so horrible). It makes me angry that they feel they are entitled to so much more than what we can give. They have more than I ever had and now they just want to take advantage of us.

I don't know how to tell to my fiance in a nice way that these kids are taking serious advantage of us. He loves them so much, but he's not teaching them any values. When I bring up the fact that they don't do anything, he gets agitated and says that they've had it hard. I had it hard too, but it didn't mean I got to do what ever I wanted. Shouldn't it be "our house, our rules"? Even worse, they get mad if I ask them to do anything. If they don't hear it from him, it doesn't seem to matter. I pay the bills so that they can live there and they have the rudeness to write me off.

How do I get it across to him that enough is enough? I just don't know what to do anymore. It's not fair to me to have to deal with this. I have enough to worry about.

Thanks for letting me vent.


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 Post subject: Re: Defiant adult stepchildren
PostPosted: Tue Jul 06, 2010 6:26 pm 
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Experienced EP Member

Joined: Sat Jan 17, 2009 10:29 am
Posts: 153
Dear 'VirtualExec':

Working to blend a family together can be challenging. It can take time for family members to adjust to new relationships. James Lehman, author of the Total Transformation Program wrote an article you may find helpful: “My Blended Family Won’t Blend—Help!” In this article James recommends that the birth parent take the lead in making the decisions around behavior goals and house rules for [his] kids. That might be the tough part for you. It’s ideal if you two can compromise and agree on the house rules, but if you cannot, James says it is the role of the step-parent to “let it go” and graciously support the biological parent’s decisions regarding their children.

If disagreements over his kids are causing problems in your relationship, you might consider ordering the US Factor program. The author of the program, Dr. Joseph Melnick, says “Staying in love takes skill.” It includes a lesson called, “You, Me and the Kids.” For more information on the Us Factor, refer to this web site: www.theusfactor.com

Keep in touch with us and let us know how things are going. We wish the best for your family.

_________________
Carole Banks
Parental Support Line Advisor


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 Post subject: Re: Defiant Adult Stepchildren
PostPosted: Fri Sep 10, 2010 12:29 pm 
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Joined: Thu May 21, 2009 12:54 pm
Posts: 20
Read my post, "Adult Stepson Living at Home" - As long as your fiance doesn't open his eyes to his kids and stop feeling the need to take care of his adult children, your life will be in constant turmoil over it. These kids need to move out. Your fiance needs a backbone and tell them so. I have been a stepparent for over 14 years; it doesn't get any easier as long as your fiance puts his adult kids above you. You and your fiance have to be a team. At least his kids work. My stepson can't hold down a job, contributes nothing and doesn't do his chores. My husband and I argue about him every single day...


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 Post subject: Re: Defiant Adult Stepchildren
PostPosted: Thu Sep 16, 2010 1:46 pm 
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Joined: Sat Sep 11, 2010 3:46 pm
Posts: 3
It's so easy to say "you're spouse/fiance needs to...". That answer is obvious. The problem is getting them to do so. They don't, they won't. The question really is are you going to stay around long enough to watch this happen and/or are you willing to live this way until the kids themselves decide to move out. I did read the article recommended below and learned from it. I am going through this now with my 19 year old SS. He comes and goes as he pleases. Keeps his Dad's office (where we allow him to sleep) a mess, eats what he wants, when he wants, does not tell us if he will be home for dinner and then comes home at 10:00 to help himself. Showers whenever he does decide to come home no matter the time usually late afternoon. I could go on and on. Nothing different than what most stepfamilies deal with I am sure.
I have "made" my husband to things to make it bearable for me. For one, SS was to be up and ready to leave house when Dad does and not come home until Dad did. SS refuses to find a job and I thought I would make him act as if he did have a job. Another, Tuesday's and Thursday's are my days home alone. No interference. I need my bible study time, coffee time to chat with friends without kids around sitting in on conversation, etc. We set rules when SS did ask to move back home (got kicked out of mom's when he moved out of here, Dad full-time Dad) but Dad NEVER follows through when rules broken. One 17 YO SS still at home. Just yesterday I made Dad change the code to the garage door opener (the only way he can get in). After reading the article I guess I need to take that back. Dad did it grudgingly thinking it would make SS feel as if he has no home. I totally understand Dad not wanting to do it. He is his baby and has raised him all his life, but I really thought strict rules need to be put in place. I guess I am trying to run things my way but need to let the BioParent make the final decision. As always, Dr. L is right but I don't have to like it lol! Wish someone would come over to tell the both of us what is right and what is wrong thing to do. I love these boys and have helped Dad raise them for eight years and I don't want them to feel not wanted, but something tells me they play on these feelings.


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 Post subject: Re: Defiant Adult Stepchildren
PostPosted: Thu Sep 16, 2010 3:26 pm 
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Joined: Sat Sep 11, 2010 3:46 pm
Posts: 3
Not sure where my other post went, so here I go again; saying that our spouse/fiance need to do something is very true, but it does not give us answers. The question really should be "are we willing to stay until they do, do something or are we willing to ride it out until the kids do move out?" I read the article stated My Blended Family Won't Blend and got some insight to my dilema. Thank you for posting that. I just had my husband do something that I now need to take back after reading that article (see my post SS won't work)
We have the Total Transformation Program. The problem is the parents HAVE to be willing to follow through! We can't say "yeah, that's our Son, their talking about our family" and leave it at that.
VirtualExec - if I had to do it again? Knowing all that I know? Even after loving them for 8 years, I would not do it - I would keep my own home that is stress and chaos free because we all need our home to feel safe in and this one does not allow me to do that. My parents raised us to be respectful to everyone and when you have a young adult, one that you spent time raising, disrespect you and your husband and acts as if he runs things and runs them by emotional blackmail....I would mose definetaly do things different. My best to you.


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 Post subject: Re: Defiant Adult Stepchildren
PostPosted: Sat Sep 18, 2010 1:32 pm 
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EP Member

Joined: Thu May 21, 2009 12:54 pm
Posts: 20
No one knows what it's like to be in someone elses shoes, but if the shoes are similair we have an idea. I know AND my husband knows now he is the problem with his kids. He knows he has to stop saving them, etc. He tries, but is constantly manipulated. He's getting a bit more wise to it and is making progress, but as of this weekend I will now have two grown capable young men in my house, who needed to move back home because they couldn't make it on thier own. One has been here for six months and was only out on his own about the same amount of time, when we basically kicked him out due to his laziness, sloppiness, lying, coming home all hours of the night, no consideration for the rules, us, or our home, etc. The 2nd one one has been out on his own for a few years. They are almost 23 years old. The difference is, my 2nd SS is more helpful and has a better attitude... My husband and I are in our fifties. This is a time in our life that we would like time to ourselves for a change. My entire marraige has been about taking care of these kids. It's easy to ask if a spouse is willing to stay. Again, no one understands another's situation, or choices until they are in another's shoes... Eventhough there are plenty of negatives dealing with my step children, they are my family. And hopefully, eventually, they will grow up and be men and have their own children. I can't wait to watch thier parenting...


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