Caught Your Child Lying? Do This Before You Respond

Posted December 13, 2016 by

Caught Your Child Lying? Do This Before You Respond

When we hear from parents about the issue of lying, we often hear them say:

“I don’t know what I feel worse about…her sneaking out or her lying to me about it!”

When you catch your child or teen in a lie, it is common to experience a flood of emotions. Lying hurts and it is okay to feel angry, disappointed, or betrayed. You might even feel afraid about what will happen next if the lying continues.  

This is why it is important, if you can, to take some time before you respond. Give yourself the time you need to calm down. Although it is common to take lying personally and to be upset, you will not be as effective if you respond with a lot of emotion.

Here are three things you can do the next time you catch your child lying.

  1. Understand What Lying Is (and What It Isn’t). Every situation is different, but kids and adults often use lying to get out of difficult situations. Lying can also be used as a way of avoiding trouble or trying to get away with not following the rules. Sometimes, lies are about trying to fit in or trying to make someone feel better. Kids who use lying as a way to solve their problems are probably not thinking about being hurtful. They are likely not seeing this the way that you are.
  2. Focus on the Issue That They Are Lying About. Try to keep your focus on the situation at hand. If your son lied about getting his homework turned in and now he has a failing grade, focus first on the plan to bring that grade up. Lying didn’t solve his problem and in fact, it made it worse. You can point this out and let him know that lying is not okay and doesn’t solve problems. Getting sidetracked into an argument about whether or not you trust him could take you away from the important homework conversation that you need to have.
  3. Rebuilding Trust. It may take some time to mend your broken trust with your child. Keep your focus on helping your child learn more effective ways to handle the things that come their way and just let them know that things might be different for a while. Trust is rebuilt when kids can show you that they can follow the rules even when they don’t like them or agree with them. With better choices comes more independence.

If you need more help on how to address lying, this article is a great one to read next:   How to Deal With Lying in Children and Teens  

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  1. rwolfenden Report

    Concerned08 I hear how much you are struggling right now, and I’m glad that you’re here reaching out for support.  As you noted, many of the changes you have noticed are quite common for kids this age, such as not wanting to share as much with their parents, or seeking a closer connection with their friends.  This is due to the developmental processes of individuation, where an adolescent seeks to create his/her own identity as a person in the world, separate from the family.  That is not to say that it doesn’t hurt when your child rejects you, or that it’s not scary when choices are being made that could potentially negatively impact their future.  In the end, as Debbie Pincus notes in https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/throwing-it-all-away-when-good-kids-make-bad-choices/, it tends to be most effective and empowering to focus on where you have control, which is over yourself and your own actions.  I’m glad to see that you have a plan in place to keep your daughter safe if she feels suicidal, or that she might hurt herself.  I’m also pleased to hear that you have clear rules and limits in place, as well as consistent consequences if these are broken.  I hope that you are also receiving some support for yourself at this time, whether informally such as here on our site or through friends and family, or in more structured settings such as a counselor or support group.  If you are interested, you can find more information on available supports in your community by contacting the http://www.211.org at 1-800-273-6222.  211 is a service which connects people with resources in their local area.  I recognize how challenging this must be for you right now, and I wish you and your family all the best moving forward.  Take care.

    Reply
  2. chall5610 Report

    My teenage son has become very verbally abusive to me.  He is smoking pot daily and despite the fact that I’ve told him smoking pot in my house will not be tolerated, he does it anyway.  His moods are very volatile.  Although he seems to be doing well in school he rarely on time.  Every day is a challenge and I never know what I’m going to face when I wake up in the morning.  Its like an emotionally roller coaster and not sure how much more I can take.  The stress is mounting.  He yells a lot, often pushing all my buttons which results In me yelling back.  it’s a very unhealthy environment.  I’m a single parent so I have no support.  Any advice is much appreciated.
    Catherine

    Reply

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