The Land of Extreme Parenting

Posted January 25, 2011 by

Photo of emmie

As I write this, my husband and I are making plans to travel to a place that we call The Land of Extreme Parenting. We never get to actually GO there. But we do spend hours wishing we could! The Land of Extreme Parenting is the place where you can do whatever you want to solve a behavioral problem, or say whatever you want to say to your children. (Now, there are parents who do get to go there. Those are the parents we secretly criticize, but at the same time wish we could be like.)

The first time we discovered this vacation land was after my stepson moved in with us. The behavior that was baffling us at the time was food hoarding. He would hoard juice boxes, cheese sticks, mini marshmallows, pop tarts and COOKIES. Cookies seemed to be his food of choice, but he would take anything. He wasn’t even hungry. We knew that because he rarely ate the amounts he took and some of the things he’d take were not what you would grab to stave off hunger, like a block of baking chocolate.

We did our research and discovered the various reasons behind food hoarding. Had he gone hungry in the past? Was he using these items to fill an emotional void? Was it impulse? Was it the rush from the take? Was he trying to get our attention? We researched this on the Internet. One “solution” that came up over and over was giving him a box of his own food to have whenever he’d like. We did that. We gave him a basket for the pantry (baggies filled with goldfish, pretzels, cheese crackers, teddy grahams, chex mix, etc..) and a container for the fridge (carrots with ranch dressing, grapes, cheese sticks, apple slices).

Not only was he taking everything from the bins, but he was also helping himself to whatever else he wanted. His therapist suggested we try an experiment. She said every behavior serves a purpose and we all wanted desperately to figure out what that was. She suggested we completely ignore this for at least two weeks. That was THE LONGEST two weeks. Our silence sent him into crazy hoarding mode. His anxiety level increased. He took food from the bins and threw the baggies behind his bed (each night I’d refill the baggies and he would again take them. Did he think the chex mix fairy came in the night and refilled them?), emptied the cookie jar under his pillow, packed cookies in his lunch and then told his dad someone stole them in the night (!!) and he had to pack more cookies. We’d later find the original bag of cookies in his room.

This was when we needed to take a trip to The Land of Extreme Parenting! We would feed him nothing but cookies! Cookies for breakfast! Cookies in his lunchbox! Dinner time? How about a bag of Oreos? Bedtime snack? Yumm- COOKIES!!!

Oh, how we dreamed of doing this, going to this place! But we didn’t. We knew that this was not about wanting cookies or being hungry. This was a deep psychological issue that we needed to address with the help of professionals. I can say that we do not know why, but the hoarding stopped after about a year. Maybe he feels safer now in our home, finally. Maybe he realized he would never go hungry. We have no clue what it was. He still has his bins of food and he takes from them periodically, but he will eat one snack, not all of them, and go days without touching them at all.

Next came the lying and pretending to forget he did things. When stolen items were found in his room, he would look perplexed, furrow his brow and pretend he could not recall taking it. He would swear that even if he did do it, he had no memory. We actually walked on the border of  The Land of Extreme Parenting on this one. We told him it was odd how he could have such a good memory to get into the GT math program but could not recall going into his brother’s room. Maybe he needed to see a doctor. Maybe he needed exploratory brain surgery!! (Ok, so we went as far as mentioning the doctor but we kept the exploratory surgery to ourselves.) This is something he is still working on in therapy.

The newest behavior sending us on our way is gas. This child has more gas than any child I have ever known. At first we did the typical things. We’d send him away from the dinner table or out of the room. Then it became a game for him. He’d leave the table 22 times during a meal to go do whatever he needed to do in another room and then return. Just over winter break he was banned from his brothers’ room and sent upstairs on New Year’s Eve, away from the festivities by my older son’s girlfriend. But still he insists he has no control.

This is not a problem at school so we do not believe he has a true physical problem, but in the Land of Extreme Parenting we can treat it as such! We can give him a mixture of sugar water and tell him it is a special medicine. Then send him to lie down for 30 minutes because it takes time to make it through your body! This must be repeated after every incident until it kicks in. No telling how long it will take!

Obviously this child will do anything to get attention, even if it’s negative and this is his latest ploy. Currently we are ignoring the behavior as much as we can, no longer sending him away or even acknowledging it, but his brothers and visitors cannot. Help!

About

I am a mom of two boys, ages 16 and 22, both with ADHD, bipolar disorder, anxiety and depression. I have remarried and my husband has 2 boys, ages 13 and 16. The 13 year old lives with us, and has some behavioral problems and attachment issues. There is always something happening at our house!

Popular on Empowering Parents

Reader Comments

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

  1. Emmie Report

    I went back and forth between wanting to respond to these comments and not responding. As one commenter said, there is more to the story. This particular blog was a tongue-in-cheek response to the many challenges we have faced with this little guy. I have been involved in his life since he was 2; he came to us every other weekend and always had his own room. His mom sent him to live with us 18 month ago (at age 9)when she could not deal with his behaviors and could not meet any of his needs, such as getting him to the doctor or therapist. He started therapy at age 6 when he started stealing, lying and destructing property. My husband took him to therapy weekly the entire time he lived with his mom. She did not attend. We learned about domestic violence and neglect. We thought all he needed was a loving, stable and consistent environment. When he moved in at age 9, he had never been fully potty trained. He wet and had stool accidents daily. After several months of stability he stopped having accidents. He moved in with us with no personal belongings and no clothes. His mom does not call him regularly and sees him intermittently. So on top of whatever he was dealing with before, he now is dealing with feelings of abandonment from his mom. When he sees her she will either spend every waking moment with him or will leave him with other caregivers the whole time. He comes home angry and disappointed. More often than not, he has accidents for several weeks after returning from extended visits. We are dealing with an emotionally fragile little boy and with the help and guidance of professionals who have dealt with children in these situations before, I believe he is going to come out on the other end OK. We have gotten him involved in Scouts and he goes to camp and he joined some after school clubs. It is not always the negative that I blogged about.

    Reply
  2. Lil P Report

    If I recall from a previous blog, they were given their stepson because the mom couldn’t handle him anymore. Im sure there is plenty more to the story–there always is. I think this was a case of how parents have to have an internal humorous dialogue to keep from going crazy day after day of being calm and being consistent. I know my children challenge me daily with some higher needs, but I still can’t compare them to children with more intense mental health concerns.

    Reply
  3. Another mother Report

    Emmie,I feel your stepsons issues are due to “the family’ he now has,dealing with 2 new ‘brothers’ with their own issue’s as well as another partner in his dad’s life is a big thing for all of the children involved.Giving more real, one on one, attention would calm his fears quicker than treating him like he has ‘issue’s’ as well.Your natural children’s ‘issue’s’ are a world apart from your now partners children,You may have to look at how you yourself have been so used to dealing with your natural childrens ‘issue’s’ that your extended family children now need just plain old fashioned mothering .Good luck.

    Reply
  4. nick Report

    I don’t understand what all this elusiveness is about in the strategies I’ve read in this article. Why not first just explain right and wrong, and clearly show the reasons for why something is right and why something is wrong. This is called discipline. If the child violates what is right and does what is wrong, a consequence happens. Its simple classical conditioning. It works in the military, it works for dogs, it works in marketing, it works in hypnosis, and it sure works in parenting.

    Just don’t mix punishment with rewards. Thats messing it up.

    I just really don’t get when issues aren’t addressed with a child in a straight forward manner. I really don’t think that kid needs therapy. Its a wonder who the heck people got along back when the world was thought to be flat, or even 30 years ago.

    Reply
  5. Kim Stricker Report

    What patience you have! You are right…imagining the extreme helps keep you in the mainstream sometimes. I seem to recall before a behavior is extinguished, there needs to be a replacement behavior for it. Wouldn’t magic tricks be so much more entertaining than passing gas?:) I like the sugar water technique too! Clever.

    Reply

SEARCHING FOR SOLUTIONS TO DISRESPECT?

Join our NEW Total Transformation® Learning Center!

Practical, affordable parenting help starting at $14.95/month BECOME A MEMBER TODAY!

Empowering Parents is the leading online resource for child behavior help

150,000+

Parent Coaching Sessions

7.5 Million

Global Visitors

10+ Years

Helping Families