With a new school year starting, many parents find themselves gearing up for another round of bad attitudes and power struggles with their kids. Teens and pre-teens especially seem to have an “I don’t care,” or “Why bother?” attitude about school, homework and their other responsibilities, whether it be chores around the house or a part-time job. Do you find yourself asking your teen, “How will you ever make it in life if you don’t take these things seriously
now?”
My friend “Erica” describes what happened with her teenage son last year: “Our 17-year-old has the worst attitude about school. He refuses to do any homework, says it's stupid and ‘doesn’t have anything to do with the real world.’ He tells us that he doesn’t even need to go to school in order to get a good job – all he has to do is get 'really good at video games' because he believes he can get a high paying job ‘testing’ them without graduating from high school. When I tell him I don't think this is going to happen, he rolls his eyes, looks at the ceiling, and lets out a big, over-dramatic sigh – in general behaving like I’m a naïve grown-up, with absolutely no understanding of what life is like today.”
Any attempt Erica has made to talk with him about school, getting a “regular” job, or even about concrete steps he might take to actually get one of those game testing jobs is met with the “adults don’t know anything” attitude. “He has such a sense of entitlement and a complete misunderstanding of reality. He has this idea that life is going to be so easy – no work, no schedules, no need to do anything he doesn’t want to. It drives me crazy to see him wasting his time like this, when he should be focusing on school so he can get into college and get a real job. His attitude is: ‘Why should I? I’m better than other people.’ How can I change his attitude and make him see reality?”
Does any of this sound familiar?
Parent Support Line specialists often hear from parents who feel frustrated at their teen’s lack of acceptance of responsibilities and their abundance of “bad attitude.” Whether it’s doing well in school or keeping a job, some kids just don’t seem to care about doing good work. Many teens have what James Lehman calls a “dreamer” mentality– they believe that an exciting, high paying job will simply land in their laps, and therefore getting good grades or taking a less-than-perfect job is seen as unnecessary.
The danger is that kids use that fantasy to justify their poor attitude around their responsibilities. When faced with their child’s entitlement, apathy, or lack of interest in work or school, parents get caught up in trying to make their children understand and accept the adult point of view. They try to get their kids to be “realistic” about their futures, and work hard so that they have the skills they need in life. I think parents also get frustrated at the lack of effort their kids show, and then worry about what kind of life their child is going to have if they don’t start taking life more seriously.
If you are in the thick of this kind of power struggle with your teen, you probably want him or her to listen to your speeches about the importance of hard work, and adopt a much better, more appreciative attitude. I have something to tell you: that is not going to happen. No matter how great, or how based in reality your argument is, you can’t force your child to think about the world the way that you do, and to adopt your experiences and your perspective. You can’t make them have a “better” attitude. Teens often have an apathetic or dismissive attitude about anything other than what they want to do. When you focus on trying to change your child’s attitude, you’re setting yourself up for frustration. As James Lehman says, "You can't feel your way to better behavior, but you can behave your way to better feelings." In order to feel effective and empowered in your role as a parent, you need to learn to ignore the apathetic, all-knowing attitude and focus on your child’s behavior. Let them know what is expected of them in your home, what your rules are, and what the consequence will be if they can’t figure out a way to comply with those rules and expectations.
For example, if your middle school child says, “I hate English! Why should I do my homework—this is stupid!” You can say, “I know you think your English assignment is stupid. You don’t have to like it, but you do need to finish it. You know the rules – no access to any electronics until your homework is completed. So how can you help yourself get it done?”
Don’t make the mistake of trying to get your child to “want” to have good grades, or “want” to get a job. That’s not likely to happen, either. You aren’t going to transform your child’s attitude about the world, or their place in it. Rather, it's your responsibility as a parent to help your child learn the skills they need to make their way in the world. Those skills are the same even if your child wants to do something you think is highly unlikely. You never know, maybe they will get a job as a video game tester, if that’s what they really want! Just don’t try to convince them that you are right and they are wrong. Don’t try to get them to stop resisting and start being “realistic.” Instead, focus on the behavior you would like to see change, and ignore the attitude. Focus on getting your teen to meet his responsibilities in the here and now—homework, chores, curfew. Once they leave your house, they are free to use the skills you’ve helped them learn—or not.
For my friend Erica, change came when she and her husband used the techniques from the Total Transformation Program and told their son, “You don’t have to like school, you don’t even need to agree with our version of reality, but you do need to comply with our rules while you’re living here. That means doing your homework, making decent grades, and getting a part-time job.” They also told their son that if he refused to comply with the house rules, he would experience consequences. To get things started, they told him he could not drive the family car until he'd filled out and dropped off three job applications. Within a month, he'd taken a job at a local fast food restaurant. Although he still insists that the adults don’t know anything, his parents feel much less helpless.
Remember, there’s a pay-out for focusing on your kid’s behavior and not his attitude: you’ll be teaching them one of the greatest lessons of all—how to be accountable in the real world.
This article was very helpful in teaching my child the consequences he will be facing if he does not think about he future. SCHOOL is the #1 PRIORITY in my book
Comment By : eddie
This could not have been a more timely article. Just yesterday, I found myself asking my teenage daughter if she's going to have a bad attitude for the umpteenth day in a row. Now I see that I need not focus on her attitude, but rather on her behavior. I'll keep the list of consequences we've already discussed handy. Also, I'll do better to remember not to personalize her comments. Thanks.
Comment By : Macy
i have a child 15 in iep. his experiences in school. has been bad since k. the school he goes to is full of drugs and kids who are medicated for an assortment of reasons--anger, add, adhd etc. he came home in tears yesterday, school takes his whole personality and
twists it. his teachers and counselors from the past said he was a
great kid, very honest, he just dances to the tune of a different
drummer. he does not like to be like everyone else just to fit in
and is ridiculed for this. Should good kids suffer thru school like
this or should an alternative be found. he is looking forward to
going to vo-tech, but cannot start till next year.
Comment By : JJ
soooooo right Eddy, by the standards of kids since mine were being expelled for asking questions of the teachers that they did NOT want to answer. vivian
Comment By : cookie
I seem to be having a hard time differentiating between my 15yo daughters "behavior, and attitude" rolling the eyes, back talking me, telling me I'm retarded, and the way she speaks to her siblings is awful. She has already lost 99% of her privledges... and her answer to "my house my rules" is to go live with her father in another state. What do I do now????
Comment By : wits end
I agree with parents being more assertive in focusing on the child's behavior and sticking with the consequences. I am a teacher and if parents would hold the student accountable for his behavior, I believe kids would make more progress in all areas of life. It is difficult to teach when the home does not back up the system.
Comment By : Teacher
You don’t have to like school, you don’t even need to agree with our version of reality, but you do need to comply with our rules while you’re living here. - I wonder what your comment would be back to a teen who says fine then I am not going to live here anymore?
Comment By : sab
What if your teen says, "ok, I won't live here anymore if I have to follow your stupid rules."
Comment By : tween parent
I don't know if it's the "right" or "proper" answer, but my teenager has been told since day one that if she didn't like the way things were, and wanted to live somewhere else, "then I'll help you pack, and don't let the door hit you in the 'you-know-what' on your way out!" In reality I would not let her just leave like that, but SHE didn't know that! It never got to that point, thanks to good old reverse psychology! Maybe if your teen threatens to leave, just tell them to go right ahead, but see if life will be any easier out there in the real world! Are their friends' parents going to let them live there? NO! Are they going to live in a cardboard box? Working at the hamburg joint for the rest of their lives isn't going to pay the rent (and remind them that's what happens without a college education)! They are most likely just threatening you because they know it hurts you, but throwing it back at them might just shock them into not using that threat anymore. It sure worked on my brother and I, and it worked on my now 18 year old daughter!
Comment By : Kristine
I have come very close to physically throwing my 17 year old son out onto the streets. His behavior is so bad that he is verbally abusive and likes to call his mother and I names which I cannot repeat here. He recently got a job, but we don't let him drive because of marijuana use and his attitude/behavior. I drug screen him periodically to see if he is using anything harder and that is always a very ugly battle. "Shocking" him does not work. I have not thrown him out only because I want him to finish high school, however, he isn't trying very hard to get passing grades. His counselor has told us that we have very few choices, which include sending him away to a rehab/school (which is expensive and he can run away from anyway), or just try to get by for another 8 months. Life with my son in the house is a terrible struggle for my wife and I and also affects my younger son who is 14. I guarantee you, that when he finishes school AND is 18; HE IS OUT!
There is a point where turning your child out onto the street seems to be the only way to regain your sanity, however, as I have read in these articles and have tried to remind myself "love the child, hate the behavior". I know that his mother and I would be in a worse state of mind with worry if I followed through with my threat to toss him out. I have to count to 10 on a regular basis when my son "expresses" himself. I am waiting for the "upcoming article" that covers this behavior with eagerness!
Comment By : At Ropes End
We parents know reality. These kids would not last a week on their own. My daughter has threatened this so many times that now I have absolutely no problem pointing her to the door. She doesn't want to leave - she just wants to hurt me. It doesn't work anymore. When she tries to tell me that I don't care about her (because I would just let her go..., but isn't that what she wants???? Yeah, right), I told her very calmly that 1) she knows I care and love her very much and if she chooses not to believe that, then that is her choice, but the truth remains, and 2) no matter how much I care, it really doesn't matter until SHE starts to care about herself and her own life and take responsibility. I have gotten to the point that she knows, if she doesn't want to go to school and chooses to fail, then I will not stop her. Yes, there will be very severe consequences because if she does not go to school, it will soon be out of my hands and she will be accountable to a probation officer. In short, I've really just let her know that her "threats" don't scare me anymore. I am a single mom - I work full time and hard at home to make a good life for her. I am responsible every day to get to my job, and she needs to learn to live life by the rules, too. At this age, they are trying to assert their independence, but they are not ready to be independent. Just letting them know that you're sorry they are choosing this course in life and they will be sorry later, but you will allow them to fail if they choose, most of the time when they see they aren't getting the reaction from the parents they want, they will start stepping up. My daughter did. She is basically a good kids with a bad attitude. Thankfully, she does not do drugs or drink or anything like that, but I know that could enter the picture at any given time.
I also went through alot with my older son, who is now 21 and finally getting his act together in life. He tells me over and over he would not be where he is if I had not been tough with him. I'm clinging to the hope that my daughter will say the same someday. Not that I'm looking for accolades from them - I just really want my kids to grow up to be responsible and good human beings that can contribute something good to this awful world!!
Comment By : Mom In Training
My son is 16 and I'm counting the days till he's 18. He was cutting his classes the first and second week back to school. His drop out friends would come and pick him up and I would get a call from the school officer about his behavior. He has stolen our cars 4 times that I'm aware of and he doesn't even have a license. My husband threw him out friday and he came back saturday night with the intention of working it out. But, he still continues to have this attitude of doing whatever he wants when he wants. He has dropped out of his public high school and now is taking accredited courses online. (Not sure how that's going to work at this time, since my husband and I are both working) I wish the reverse psychology would work on my son, but apparantly it hasn't.
Comment By : Worried Mom
My 15 year old skips class every other day. I don't know how to talk to him about not doing that anymore. Please help
Comment By : Denise
I bought and mostly paid for a used car right before the beginning of my 17 year old daughter's senior year with the understanding that she do a better job at school (last year she barely scrapped by) and she get a part-time job and pay me back part of the money for the car. She is also responsible to pay her own car insurance. After a month she began to talk about graduating at semester, which I was fine with and thought that would give her incentive to do well since she was so close to the end of high school. Her plans were to go the jr. college beginning in January. She go the part-time job, but is doing terrible in school and 6 weeks in is failing 3 out of 4 classes. I'm considering taking back her car even though I know she will probably lose her job if I do. I want school to be her first priority, but her attendance and not turning in assignments shows her lack of caring. What should I do???
Comment By : Alarmed and confused mom
My older brother and his wife are under the same mind set as Erica(in the story) and now their kids are grown one is in jail and the other has no job the one that has no job and thought he could find a high paying one with out his high school diaploma he was wrong.
All though I still wonder about my children's attitude I still make them do what they need to do and to follow the rules of our house and for the most part I have really good kids. I even have step kids who love and respect me because I made them follow the rules weather they like it or not. My oldest when she was living on her own called me to say thank you for making her do her chores. I still have kids at home one 14 and the other 11 and I'm trying my best to do the same thing with them I just wish the attitudes would stop before they got started.
Comment By : Happy mom
I ALSO HAVE A 16 YEAR OLD WITH THE SAME ATTITUDE ABOUT LIFE THAT SHE IS DOING THE BEST SHE CAN BUT SHE IS NOT.I HAVE A FRIEND ME AND HER EXCCHANGE STORIES ABOUT OUR TEENAGERS AND WHAT WE GO THROUGH WITH THEM. WELL MY FRIEND I HAVENT TALKED TO IN A COUPLE OF WEEKS I FINALLY EMAILED HER TO SEE HOW SHE IS DOING.I CAME TO FIND OUT THAT HER DAUGHTER RAN AWAY FROM HOME BECAUSE SHE THOUGHT THAT IT WILL BE BETTER NOT LIVING WITH HER MOM THAT LOVES HER VERY MUCH,SHE THOUGHT IT WOULD BE BETTER TO BE IN THE STREETS WELL GUESS WHAT IT WASNT SHE WAS MURDERED A FEW WEEKS AGO.OUT IN THE STREETS WITH NO WHERE TO GO BUT HOME.TEENAGERS YOU NEED TO LISTEN TO YOUR PARENTS AND PARENTS DONT TRY AND BE YOUR CHILDS FRIEND THEY CAN FIND A FRIEND AT SCHOOL WHERE THEY NEED TO BE.STICK TO YOUR GROUNDS IF YOU TELL THEM NO STICK TO IT.IM GOING THROUGH THE SAME THING LOTS OF YOU GUYS GOING THROUGH BUT IM HOLDING IT DOWN.RAISING A TEENAGER IS THE HARDEST JOB IN THE WORLD.THANKS FOR A LOT OF YTOU GUYS COMMENTS IT HELPED ME OUT A LOT.
Comment By : POOH 92
Part of the issue may well be your PUBLIC SCHOOLS! I worked in a public school for 5 years. And there are some nonessential currculums they are using. One that I was first exposed to personally in College in the 80's. The Life Boat scenario. Now they are subjecting kids as young as 12 to this. It is mind bending stuff. The student is told there is so much room and food for so many people in some disaster. A detailed list of the people left is given and some have to be voted off. These kids are being taught that they have the judgement and right to decide who lives and dies. Early teens is when humans are developing judgement. I don't think things like this is a wise exercise to be teaching children. Another of the games I saw is called "Board of Directors" The child is at the head of the board table (like in a meeting) and they are to place all the people in their life that have influence around the table. Including their parents. This is teaching them that as children with no judgement, they have the highest authority over their decisions, not their parents. This is undermining parental authority. Maybe now you can begin to understand where these attitudes are coming from. My answer, Home school! I have seen many turnarounds quickly in families from homeschooling and also getting rid of the TV. TV also teaches kids they have all the answers and the stupid adults are not important in their lives. Have you watched children's programming lately? Whenever there is an enemy, the children are the heroes and there are no adults around at all. The kids have the smarts and the superpowers to save the world. Think this might be an influence?
Comment By : whisperingsage
My 17 year old son just had a similar argument. He is failing in school and says "I just don't care. I am going to die fighting in Iraq or Afghanistan in 2 years anyway." He just joined the army. He is depressed but absolutely refuses to take any medication. Help!
Comment By : Annie
Hi I have a 16 yr old daughter who hates me and my common law husband and her whole life she left home went to my moms and tells them her version of the story and not both sides im so fed up frutrated and have no idea what to do
Comment By : rozzy
My soon to be 16 year old daughter is in 9th grade. She has D's & F's on her report card, and has been grounded since...Christmas? Nothing we've done or said has made her get her grades up. When she does her work and turns it in, she gets A's & B's, but all the rest of her grades are F's. She says (although we've told her no) that a D is a passing grade (not in my world!). We get updates from her teachers every week, and every week she says she's going to improve. Nothing yet. She's also been sneaking out to see her boyfriend. We've taken away her house key, and told her to go to her dad's work after school. So far, she's done that once - otherwise she just shows up at home at 7:30 or so. So - to summarize. Bad Grades, Grounded, no benefits (not even a bedroom door knob anymore!), and yet no improvements - indeed, and even greater non-compliance, and major disrespect. We've had the "be responsible" talk, the "it's your life" talk; if there's an idea out there that's supposed to shake a little sense into a kid, we've tried it. I've read some things about just letting them crash & burn, with the hope that when they see it's a tough old world, they'll straighten themselves out. Anybody tried that? How'd it work out? Any suggestions?
Comment By : flabberghasted mom
I can honestly say I know this feeling. I have a 15 year old who does not believe they need school to become a comedian. He thinks school is boring and stupid. I have no idea how to "make" him see that he needs backup skills just in case. I have finally "given up" because I am tired of repeating myself daily. I am not sure if this is the right way to handle this but I have my own mental diagnoses. My son has ADHD and other diagnoses himself and I am in constant battle about something. I have tried all I know and learn to "keep the peace" in my home. Posted posters with rules, rewards, and consequences listed, tried talking instead of yelling, tried not doing anything at all, basically, you name it, I have tried it. No luck. So if anyone has any other suggestions, my ears are open.
Comment By : gonetothelimitandback mom
I have a 14 year old stepson that is very disrespectful to me especially when his daddy can't hear him. How do I handle this it is tearing me apart.
Comment By : mamadonna
my heart goes out to all of you. i know its a hard task. im 17 and i had such a rough couple of "teen years". i did alot of drugs, ended up getting expelled in the 8th grade and receiving felony charges. finally my mom whom i bumped heads with constantly sent me away for 7 months to a thereapuetic boarding school for teens. it really did change alot of things for me but not eveything. anyway my mom kind of kicked me out. i ran away on and off and terrible things happened to me while i was away. after all that i finally deecided it would be best if i got my ged and went to college early so i did.....and at 16 i deicided to move out of my parents house and be on my own. its been over a year and i fully finanially take care of myself and im almost done with my associates degree ..i just want all you parents to know there is light at the end of the tunnel. it will get ugly and i mean real ugly and usually it takes alot longer for teens to grow up then i did..best advice i can give all of you is dont let your teen EVER actually leave. it can lead to really bad things ...teens will do drugs. its sad, i know but they will, and just having civlized talks and knowing where they are and make sure theyre not driving will save their lives.consequences are a great tool to use, just make sure you let your teen see light at the end of tunnel too give them incentives to get them back or else they will feel like theres no end...just do your best to keep them alive and safe and if youre doing a good job they will get it eventually, promise:)
Comment By : from the horses mouth
and also i would like to reply to flabberghasted mom's comment. the point that your daughter is at is a point i was at in my life at one point around the age of sixteen. my mom tried everything that you did took away my door ect. ect. i would sneak out to go see my boyfriend or go to parties. basically rules and punishments didn't work for me anymore and i had no respect for anything.. and the whole crashed and burn thing is pretty much what my mom did. she allowed me to do "whatever " and i chose to leave and do drugs and party. and trust me when i say it didn't last. it only took a few days and i didn't want to come home neccasarily because i didn't want to give my mom control or prove her right that the life i wanted to lead was wrong ... but when i hit rock bottom and had no one to turn too there was only family and i came home and changed my life ..it was reluctantly but hey im doing great now so when all else fails i say yes let a teen crash and burn and realize the truth of life. they will be horrified trust me.
Comment By : from the horses mouth again
Thank you "from the horses mouth" for giving a teen's perspective. OUr oldest, now 24, went through the same things at 16 and 17. He left our home at 17, was gone 4 months and finally asked to come home. He saw first hand how rough the world can be on your own, especially when you aren't old enough to support yourself. I tried to keep him home, but couldn't because he was 17. When he did come home, he had a new found appreciation for us, his family. I know he experienced some really bad stuff while he was gone, and it breaks my heart that those things happened to him. However, it was his choices that caused that and he knows that.
Comment By : momofthree
My 15-year-old daughter would LOVE to leave but, as she has told me many times, she only stays because if she moved out, she would have to live somewhere else and would't get to see her friends. Of course, I reminded her that she would also probably not have a computer, an ipod, her own cell phone, etc. If there was a safe place to send her, to "see how the other half lives", we'd do it in a heartbeat. Can't afford the $25000 for a therapeutic setting.
But, she has also threatened to call 911 during our arguments. When she does threaten (three times, perhaps, in two years), I have handed her the phone. Literally. She will not make the call because she knows that it could start the ball rolling for something like foster care and, because she's smart, that finally stops her. Of course, calling 911 because you and your mom are in a screaming match (no, not proud of it when I lose the battle and go "off program), can make the authorities grumpy with you, too.
For the mom above who says the alternative is the child living with dad in another state, I say, unless he's a horrible parent then why not let the kid go? Maybe you could convince Dad to make HIS rules even stricter. In the meantime, you could have some peace to regroup for the day you KNOW your kid will come back.
This is hard!
Comment By : Eeyorefan
I have a 15 year old boy who is atotal jackass and enjoys every minute of it. He is mouthy to everyone and disrespectful. It borders on mean spirited. he is extremely negative about everything and has nothing nice to say about anyone or anything. What can we do to make him stop this
Comment By : jackieboy
* Dear jackieboy:
Having a bad attitude is one of the techniques that kids use to solve problems. They use it to get us to back off, to change our minds, or to ineffectively express their feelings. James Lehman recommends that you ignore your child's attitude so that you stay focused on the behavior you want your child to change. Paying attention to your child's attitude gives him a lot of power and it pulls you into a power struggle. In order for your son’s negativity to not have the power he would like it to have, try to ‘ignore it’. For example, let’s say he’s supposed to wash the dishes after dinner but instead plops himself in front of the TV. You might say to him, “You have a responsibility to do the dishes now. Go get them done.” If he responds with his negative attitude, say nothing. Disconnect and walk away. He’s inviting you into an argument. If he doesn’t get the dishes done there can be a consequence for that. It sounds like your son uses attitude a lot. You might want to sit down and talk to him about his behavior and have him come up with ideas of how he can handle situations more appropriately using the “Alternative Response” from Lesson 6. If he is not taking it seriously, but gives you attitude, tell him, “Look. This is important and you have to take this seriously. Until you’re ready to have this discussion, you have no privileges. Let me know when you’re ready.” Here you’re telling your child that his attitude will not get him out of his responsibilities. If your son is using ‘name calling’ or intimidation, that’s abuse and needs to be handled differently. Look at this article by James Lehman to address that behavior:
Disrespectful Child Behavior: Where Do You Draw the Line?
We hope these ideas and articles are helpful. Remember you can also call the trained specialists on the Support Line to discuss the specific behaviors you’re working on with your child. We’re here to help.
Comment By : Carole Banks, Parental Support Line Advisor
i am dealing with 4 teenagers all at once. three are girls. i have had one that has been rebellious. now i'm beginning with another. i can tell you that children will do as much as allowed to do. i was a problem teen that included stealing cars and drug use. my mother wasn't hard in the areas that mattered. i had no set rules and punishment was something that i never "accepted". however, if she would have put her foot down immediately rather than allowing me ground with her it would never have went as far as it did. there is always a consequence that you can put on your child until they move out for EVERYTHING that they do. you just have to sit down and be rational...and a bit creative too sometimes. our daughter was sneaking out of the house to see her boyfriend in the early hours while we slept. once caught we began locking the doors at night from inside with a padlock. We're willing to nail the windows too if need be. it's stopped for now. but there's always going to be something else. you just have to breathe and think. i'm on here tonight to try to find some good advice for backtalking since i have 4 teenagers and they seem to be feeding off of each other. i've told them they can express themselves if they like if they don't like something, but it has to be done respectfully and ultimately my answer is THE answer at the end. Also i have told all of them to come with me with a solution instead of a problem, example would be instead of telling me that they hate school, tell me how they might be able to fix it or i might be able to help in the problem. ultimately they HAVE to go to school, but there are aspects that might be able to be done differently. i just don't want to hear all of them complaining about everything non-stop all day long. it wears a parent out mentally. nobody deserves that. and for being disrespectful or defiant to what i say they get an automatic one week grounding. no phone, no outside, no games, nothing. they can read a book. it tends to change a teens view when they have nothing to do. rules and consequences have to be set ahead of time. then consequences follow the next time someone breaks the rule. otherwise if it's not enforced you become a pushover. so make sure your rules are fair and that you won't have a problem with saying, i told you...now you get punished. you have a choice with a mixed family as to if the child goes to his or her other parent's home to live. never use it as a threat cause they might take you up on it, likewise you tell them they don't have that option when they threaten it. it's used as leverage to get you to bend to THEIR rules. once you see this then you can deal with the fears much better.
Comment By : fullhouse
I have a 15 year old step daughter who treats me like in am a no body. when she is told to do something she rolls her eyes at me and gives me dirty looks. She likes to start fights between her father and me she sits at the top of the stairs and laughts about it. And if she get into trouble for something she will make up story to get the other kids in trouble. My husband and i have almost gotten a divorced of her. Everytime I ask her to do something around the house it ends up in a fight the other kids don\'t think it is fair that she don\'t have to do anything. She will make a big mess and then fight with me about cleaning it up. My family is always fight because of this one child. What do i do? Can\'t send her back to her mom her mom don\'t want her there either she caused to many problems there. Please can someone help me.
Comment By : I need someones help
* Dear 'I Need Someone's Help':
Raising a blended family can create really difficult challenges. It’s important to work together as parents. Tell your husband you’d like to talk about the house rules for the kids and ask him when he’d like to have that conversation. Let your goal be to only have house rules that you and your husband agree to and that he will help you enforce. Sometimes parents will stay focused on what they disagree on. Instead, begin this house rules discussion by talking about where you agree as a couple. Without your husband’s support on a house rule, you may be setting yourself up for failure with your step-daughter. As James Lehman says, “Pick your battles--and make sure you win the one’s you pick.”
Even with this kind of planning, there will probably be times when you and your husband disagree over the kids. Just make sure these conversations are not in front of the kids so you’re not experiencing a situation where your step-daughter is over-hearing you from the top of the stairs. Remember, it’s not about asking your husband to side with you over his daughter--it’s about deciding together as parents what are good limits and expectations for all the kids.
If any of the children choose not to follow the house rules, that child should receive a consequence. It’s better not to try and force the child to comply—this puts you in a power struggle with the child—fighting for the upper hand. You already have the upper hand in that you will give the child a consequence for choosing not to follow the house rules. James Lehman wrote a great article regarding power struggles you might find helpful: Avoiding Power Struggles with Defiant Children
Declaring Victory is Easier than You Think. It’s located at this web address: http://www.empoweringparents.com/How-to-Avoid-Power-Struggles-with-Defiant-Children.php
Remember, you can always call the trained specialists on the Support Line. They will help you apply the program techniques in your specific situation. Thanks for your question. I’m sure many parents experience similar situations. Keep in touch.
Comment By : Carole Banks, Parental Support Line Advisor
I feel like my 17 soon to be 18 year old daughter is beyond changing. For the past three or four years her attitude has gotten worse. She comes and goes when she pleases, she has not been to school for the past two years, she sleeps most of the day away and has no respect for anyone or anything. She is mad at the world for the way her life choices have turned out but will not take the blame for any of it. She gets involved with one loser after another most of them are concidered by society to be adults and losers on top of that. I've tried talking, reasoning, threats, the silence treatment but nothing changes the way she is. She is, when she 's in a good moode (rare) one of the nicest, sweetest kids you could ever come accross. However her priorities are completely screwed up. She has no respect what-so-ever for me, her mother, the one who brought her into this world, raised her and her sister alone has held two jobs while also attending college just so she can have some of the things that I didn't when I was growing up. She gets made if you even look in her direction, and by mad I mean nasty, verbal abuse, slamming things, yelling and laying blame. I just don't know what to do any more..........
Comment By : at a loss for words
