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Comment By : jackieboy
* Dear jackieboy:
Having a bad attitude is one of the techniques that kids use to solve problems. They use it to get us to back off, to change our minds, or to ineffectively express their feelings. James Lehman recommends that you ignore your child's attitude so that you stay focused on the behavior you want your child to change. Paying attention to your child's attitude gives him a lot of power and it pulls you into a power struggle. In order for your son’s negativity to not have the power he would like it to have, try to ‘ignore it’. For example, let’s say he’s supposed to wash the dishes after dinner but instead plops himself in front of the TV. You might say to him, “You have a responsibility to do the dishes now. Go get them done.” If he responds with his negative attitude, say nothing. Disconnect and walk away. He’s inviting you into an argument. If he doesn’t get the dishes done there can be a consequence for that. It sounds like your son uses attitude a lot. You might want to sit down and talk to him about his behavior and have him come up with ideas of how he can handle situations more appropriately using the “Alternative Response” from Lesson 6. If he is not taking it seriously, but gives you attitude, tell him, “Look. This is important and you have to take this seriously. Until you’re ready to have this discussion, you have no privileges. Let me know when you’re ready.” Here you’re telling your child that his attitude will not get him out of his responsibilities. If your son is using ‘name calling’ or intimidation, that’s abuse and needs to be handled differently. Look at this article by James Lehman to address that behavior: Disrespectful Child Behavior: Where Do You Draw the Line?
We hope these ideas and articles are helpful. Remember you can also call the trained specialists on the Support Line to discuss the specific behaviors you’re working on with your child. We’re here to help.
Comment By : Carole Banks, Parental Support Line Advisor
Comment By : fullhouse
Comment By : I need someones help
* Dear 'I Need Someone's Help':
Raising a blended family can create really difficult challenges. It’s important to work together as parents. Tell your husband you’d like to talk about the house rules for the kids and ask him when he’d like to have that conversation. Let your goal be to only have house rules that you and your husband agree to and that he will help you enforce. Sometimes parents will stay focused on what they disagree on. Instead, begin this house rules discussion by talking about where you agree as a couple. Without your husband’s support on a house rule, you may be setting yourself up for failure with your step-daughter. As James Lehman says, “Pick your battles--and make sure you win the one’s you pick.”
Even with this kind of planning, there will probably be times when you and your husband disagree over the kids. Just make sure these conversations are not in front of the kids so you’re not experiencing a situation where your step-daughter is over-hearing you from the top of the stairs. Remember, it’s not about asking your husband to side with you over his daughter--it’s about deciding together as parents what are good limits and expectations for all the kids.
If any of the children choose not to follow the house rules, that child should receive a consequence. It’s better not to try and force the child to comply—this puts you in a power struggle with the child—fighting for the upper hand. You already have the upper hand in that you will give the child a consequence for choosing not to follow the house rules. James Lehman wrote a great article regarding power struggles you might find helpful: Avoiding Power Struggles with Defiant Children
Declaring Victory is Easier than You Think. It’s located at this web address: http://www.empoweringparents.com/How-to-Avoid-Power-Struggles-with-Defiant-Children.php
Remember, you can always call the trained specialists on the Support Line. They will help you apply the program techniques in your specific situation. Thanks for your question. I’m sure many parents experience similar situations. Keep in touch.
Comment By : Carole Banks, Parental Support Line Advisor
Comment By : at a loss for words
* Dear at a loss for words:
It can certainly feel like an unchangeable situation, but as James says, it's never too late to start changing things in your home. It won't be easy, but the truth is, it isn't impossible. There are many articles on EP you may find helpful; Rules, boundaries, and older children might be a good place to start. Take some time to decide what the non-negotiable ground rules are in your household (no physical violence or drug/alcohol use are some examples, requiring a job or school attendance could be on the list as well), and what the consequences will be for violating those rules. Some families choose to have their older teens find another place to stay for 24 hours if they break these rules. As calmly as possible, let your daughter know what these rules are, and what she can expect to see happen when she follows them - she can earn rides or computer time, or something else she values. Once those non-negotiable rules are clear, choose one or two behaviors you would like your daughter to improve; don't try to tackle everything at once. For example, you might focus on how your daughter behaves when she is angry, using conseqeunces and rewards to help her learn to calm herself down (the articles Kids who are verbally abusive, why don't consequences work for my teen, and sick of your kids' backtalk may give you some ideas). Ignore the attitude as much as you can, focusing on the behavior instead. When you've seen some improvement in those behaviors, you can move on to the next most annoying behaviors on the list. Step by step, you can take back control in your home. Keep in touch, and let us know how it's going.
Comment By : Megan Devine, Parental Support Line Advisor
Comment By : ldattlermay
* Dear '1datlermay':
This is a tough emotional situation you’re describing. I hope you have someone who you can turn to for support. But, no one can really answer the question for you--whether you should let your son go live elsewhere. Only you know him well enough to make that decision. Where you might start in your decision making is asking yourself, “What are my goals for him?” I would recommend that one of the things you don’t have as a goal is that he stops seeing his girlfriend. People are attracted to others for very complicated reasons. Whatever his are, it’s something he needs to do right now. Just require him to comply with household rules-- doing his school work and chores before he goes out for the day, for example, and coming home at reasonable times. From his perspective it might seem to him that everyone he wishes to see, you are doing your best to stop these visits. James wrote a really good article about this subject because many parents struggle with the same issue you do. It’s called: Does Your Child Have "Toxic" Friends? 6 Ways to Deal with the Wrong Crowd. Call the trained specialists on the Support Line for more personalized assistance on implementing the tools and techniques in James Lehman’s Total Transformation Program. Keep in touch. We’re here to help.
Comment By : Carole Banks, Parental Support Line Advisor
Comment By : truly_demanding
* Dear truly_demanding:
You bring up some great questions. Ignoring her attitude won't necessarily make her think it is okay, especially if you calmly acknowledge it and redirect her: "rolling your eyes is not going to change the rules," or: " snotty comments won't get your homework done." The point here is to not focus on the attitude, rather, focus on what she needs to be doing at that time. Telling your daughter that school is the key to life is simply wasting your energy - kids don't think the way that adults do. In order to get her to comply with what you value - school and homework, you'll need to use something that she values, like phone use or computer time. For more on that, please see End the Nightly Homework Struggle in the EP archives. As far as your younger daughters watching - you're right. Your younger girls ARE watching, but they are watching how YOU respond to your eldest's behaviors. If they see that she gets you upset, or that she is allowed to skip homework if only she complains enough, then they will see that that approach "works." If they see you calmly redirect your daughter to the task at hand, reminding her that she only has access to her privileges when her schoolwork is done, then your younger children learn that attitude won't get them what they want. Good luck, and let us know how it's going.
Comment By : Megan Devine, Parental Support Line Advisor
Comment By : christine
* Dear "christine":
It's not clear from your question what a consequence would be given for, so I am not sure how to respond. It sounds like maybe you'd like your kids to get a consequence if they don't thank you for your time and effort. If that is true, you may not have the results you'd like. While it would be fantastic if kids realized the great sacrifices parents make for them, and how "easy" they do truly have it, as James has said - "don't hold your breath." Developmentally, kids just don't think in those kinds of "appreciative" terms - neither do some grown ups! And, if you tell your kids that unless they say thank you, they will lose their electronics, you may well get that "thank you," but it won't mean that they appreciate your work. You may have more success if you focus on a behavior, rather than a feeling. For example, if your kids need to treat each other more appropriately - by not calling names or making fun of each other - let them know that if they break that rule, they will lose access to their electronics until they can speak respectfully for two hours in a row. Make the time limit just far enough out of reach that they have to stretch, but not so long that they can't do it. Remember, your goal is to help them improve their behavior, so you do want them to be able to reach that goal. For more help in dealing with sibling issues, and how to mandate respect click here.
Comment By : Megan Devine, Parental Support Line Advisor
Comment By : christine
* HI Christine - Unfortunately, kids just don't recognize the sacrifices their parents make for them. That kind of gratitude may come later in life, when they have more experience being on their own, without you to provide for them, but as James' says, "Don't hold your breath." Learning to be clear, consistent, and direct will help you continue to build the kind of relationship that you want with your kids. Remember, you can't require that your kids feel respect, concern, or love for you: you can't mandate a feeling. What you can do is create a culture of accountability in your family and help your kids learn the skills they need to be successful. As you've found, arguing over things does not help. And giving in to everything, in hopes of creating a harmonious household, also does not help. You might check out James' articles on power struggles and backtalk (type those terms into the global search box on the EP homepage), and consider becoming a Total Transformation program customer. Total Transformation support line specialists can help you create clear rules, expectations, and consequences for your kids. Parenting can also bring up personal issues, making it difficult to not take your kids' actions personally. You haven't mentioned if you have other support, but if not, you might seek out resources in your local area to help you deal with the challenges of parenting. Good luck.
Comment By : Megan Devine, Parental Support Line Advisor
Comment By : confused Dad
* Dear confused dad - Remember that if you try and tell your son how "bad" his friends are, he will only defend them more strongly. You may have better luck if you stay focused on the rules and expectations in your home. If grades are important, you might start there, letting him know that he will have mandatory study time each school day for the classes in which he is not doing well. Only when that time has been completed will he have access to something he enjoys, such as electronics or computer time. (please see End the Nightly Homework Struggle in the EP archives for more details). As far as wrecking the car goes, you might require that he complete a driving safety class before he is able to access a vehicle again. Remember to focus on concrete, tangible goals and expectations, tying them to consistent, clear consequences and privileges. You might also read How To Control Kids Outside of Your Home, and Why Don't Consequences Work for My Teen, both in the EP archives.
Comment By : Megan Devine, Parental Support Line Advisor
Comment By : Frustration city
* Dear ‘Frustration city’:
Working to blend a family together can be challenging. It can take time for family members to adjust to new relationships. James Lehman wrote a series of articles on Blended Families you may find helpful; “My Blended Family Won’t Blend—Help!” and “Differences in Parenting? How Your Child May Be Using it Against You.” In these articles James recommends that the birth parent take the lead in making decisions around behavior goals for their child. However, both parents need to support each other as they help the child learn to comply with the house rules. What we would recommend in this situation is setting up a homework structure. If he is doing poorly in all classes, it may be time to ask him to work in a public place, such as the kitchen table, so his work can be monitored. Allow him to have privileges everyday AFTER he spends time doing homework. If he tries to blame you, James Lehman calls this technique the ‘turn around’ [Lesson 1], respond to him using problem solving language. “Yelling at me is not getting your homework done.” Be sure to call the Support Line when you have questions. We’d be glad to point you to specific parts of the program to address what you’re working on. Keep in touch.
Comment By : Carole Banks, Parental Support Line Advisor
Comment By : gladtheyregrown
Comment By : Georgia (mom)
* Dear ‘Georgia (mom)’:
James Lehman’s Total Transformation Program is designed to address the behaviors you describe: teasing, lying, and aggression toward others. You will learn effective parenting techniques in the Program. Many parents try to change their child’s behaviors by ‘explaining’ to them why they should behave and try to use emotions and feelings to motivate their child. James takes a different approach. He says, “You can’t ‘feel’ your way to better behavior -- but you can ‘behave’ your way to better feelings.” What he is saying is that you should do the right thing -- regardless of how you feel -- and then having done the right thing, you’ll feel better. It’s important to teach kids that their feelings should not make their decisions for them. And James also teaches parents to view behavior as a performance issue -- not a moral issue. This will help you to view your son’s behavior as a problem that needs to be solved and may help you to get less upset at him, or to take his behavior choices personally. Call us here on the Support Line and let us know if we can answer any other questions for you. We’re here to help.
Comment By : Carole Banks, Parental Support Line Advisor
Comment By : concernedstepmom
* Dear ‘concernedstepmom’:
It's best not to try to rely on changing your stepdaughter's study habits by having her understand how important school will be to her in later life. Although that’s an important message, to motivate a teen, use things they will experience right now. The best way to tackle homework is to set up a schedule. Doing the ‘day in day out’ task of school work will result in better study habits and hopefully better grades. Design your plan so that homework time is early enough in the day so that privileges can be withheld if time is not spent on homework. For more details on James Lehman’s homework system, read this article by Megan Devine, Parental Support Line Specialist: End the Nightly Homework Struggle-5 Homework Strategies that Work for Kids.
Comment By : Carole Banks, Parental Support Line Advisor
Comment By : neena
* Dear ‘neena’: Anytime you are concerned about your child’s mental health, have him evaluated by a professional so you’re certain what is causing the low mood. Depression is treatable, but as James Lehman says, “You need to know what the problem is in order to develop a solution.” You should start by taking him to your family doctor. Your doctor needs to check to see if a medical problem is causing the symptoms of depression. To tackle homework issues, we recommend using a daily structure and daily incentives. If you can, set up homework time so that each day he is studying early enough in the afternoon or evening so that if he studies, he earns privileges that same evening—such as video games. For more ideas on managing the homework challenges, refer to this article by James Lehman: Sinking Fast at School: How to Help Your Child Stay Afloat
http://www.empoweringparents.com/Child-and-Teens-Failing-School-How-to-Help-Your-Kid-Stay-Afloat.php. Thanks for your question. Keep in touch with us. We’re here to help.
Comment By : Carole Banks, Parental Support Line Advisor
Comment By : Worried Mom
* Dear ‘Worried Mom’:
What James Lehman, author of the Total Transformation, suggests is to set-up a daily structure for homework time. Pick a time of day early enough so that if your son spends time doing homework, he earns privileges that night. If not, he loses privileges for that one night only but has the chance to get it right the next day. Using really short term consequences like this gives kids incentive to cooperate. James would say that grounding your child for two months is just teaching him ‘how to do time’ and not focusing on what he needs to change--which is his day to day study habits. We do get a lot of questions on how to handle homework. You will find many articles to refer to on empoweringparents.com by typing in the word ‘homework’ in our search box. Here is one example on study skills, written by James Lehman: Homework Hell? Part II: 7 Real Techniques That Work
http://www.empoweringparents.com/Homework-Hell-Part-II-7-Real-Techniques-That-Work.php
We appreciate your question, hope this was helpful, and encourage you to keep in touch with us.
Comment By : Carole Banks, Parental Support Line Advisor
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Comment By : bentmommie
* Dear ‘bentmommie’: It sounds like you are very frustrated with your daughter right now. As hurtful as it can be for parents, it is very normal for adolescents to appear to be very ungrateful. In the Total Transformation Program, James Lehman says, “Don’t hold your breath ‘til these kids say thank you or recognize your efforts. The part of self that appreciates others just isn’t developed in those kids yet. Don’t expect immediate compliance, appreciation, insight, acknowledgment or credit in response to your parenting efforts. Gratitude will come later, replacing blame. ” That said, we never discourage seeking help if you’re feeling worn down or overwhelmed. You can search for local supports in your area, such as counselors, therapists, support groups, etc., by visiting www.211.org, in information and referral website run by the United Way. Good luck and take care as you continue to work through this.
Comment By : Sara A. Bean, M.Ed., Parental Support Advisor
Comment By : beyondfrustrated
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Comment By : lustew
Comment By : tiredstepmom
* To ‘tiredstepmom’: It sounds like you have been through a lot with your husband and stepchildren. As you and I both know, to love a child responsibly means to set limits. It sounds like your stepson certainly has a lot of faulty thinking. We recommend that you get together with your husband and choose one behavior to start with here—perhaps either the verbal abuse or destruction of your property as those seem to be the most harmful based on what you’ve described. Once you’ve chosen one thing, review Lesson 6 of the Total Transformation Program and have a discussion with your son following the steps and suggestions outlined in the lesson. In order to give you the soundest, most detailed advice, we need to know a little bit more about your relationship, how your stepson responds to you and your husband, and what you have tried in the past. I would encourage you to call the Parental Support Line and talk to one of the advisors. That phone number is included in your package material. We are open Monday through Friday, 9:00 AM to 10:00 PM, Eastern Standard Time. We look forward to hearing from you and being able to come up with solutions together.
Comment By : Sara Bean, M.Ed., Parental Support Advisor
Comment By : Angel5202
* Hi Angel5202: It can be very frustrating when children try to use the other parent against you. While you might expect that she would offer you respect and gratitude for raising her and sacrificing, you are receiving the opposite. James Lehman talks about creating a culture of accountability in your home. What that means is that your daughter is responsible for her actions in your home, and is accountable to you; also that you are responsible and accountable to your daughter in your home. Everyone is responsible for their behavior, and everyone needs to follow the rules. In your situation, what that may look like is saying, “I know the rules are different at dad’s house, but in this house, we don’t swear at each other when it’s time to get off the computer” or “This isn’t about dad doing x for you; this is about you getting your chores done”. I am attaching some articles I think you might find helpful: Stop the Blame Game: How to Teach Your Child to Stop Making Excuses and Start Taking Responsibility & How to Create a Culture of Accountability in Your Home Good luck to you and your family as you continue to work through this.
Comment By : Rebecca Wolfenden, Parental Support Advisor
Comment By : confused
* To 'confused': It sounds like you are in a tough spot with your daughter right now: you want to hold her accountable for her poor grades, yet you want her to be able to spend time with friends and family over the holidays. If she is on school break, then she won’t have the opportunity to bring up her grades until she returns to school. We don’t recommend taking away things like vacations and special events as consequences, as once these things are gone, they cannot be earned back and are likely to cause resentment more than learning what to do differently. The more effective option is giving your daughter short-term rewards and consequences. What that might look like is each night she works on her homework for a certain amount of time, and then she can earn electronics for that night. You can keep up this structure until she brings her grades up to a C level. If she has missing assignments during the week, then her weekend doesn’t start until those are completed. I am attaching some articles you might find helpful: Homework Survival for Parents & End the Nightly Homework Struggle 5 Homework Strategies that Work for Kids. Good luck to you and your daughter as you continue to work through this.
Comment By : Rebecca Wolfenden, Parental Support Advisor
Comment By : Popnotes
Comment By : Bobbi
* To Bobbi: It is a really tough spot to be in when you set up boundaries for your children, and your daughter responds by continuing to test limits with you. It is natural that your daughter would not be happy with you for setting up boundaries and following through with them. That does not mean that you should not do this with her. We stand by your decision to follow through on your limits surrounding her use of the car. This makes her uncomfortable-and that’s OK! People tend to change their behavior when they feel uncomfortable, not when things are going well for them. While the way you have responded to your daughter and her behavior in the past may have made you feel frustrated, scared, and/or resentful, it has worked out well for your daughter. There are some other articles on this site that I think you might find useful which I am including:
My Child Is Using Drugs or Drinking Alcohol—What Should I Do?
Failure to Launch, Part 1: Why So Many Adult Kids Still Live with Their Parents
Failure to Launch, Part 2: How Adult Children Work the "Parent System"
Failure to Launch, Part 3: Six Steps to Help Your Adult Child Move Out
Good luck to you and your family as you continue to work through this with your daughter; we know this isn’t easy and we stand by you as you continue to make changes.
Comment By : Rebecca Wolfenden, Parental Support Advisor
Comment By : Mr.Sire
* To Mr.Sire: It can be so frustrating when your teenager refuses to follow the rules. We encourage you to continue to avoid physical power struggles if at all possible, and to use the skills you have learned to prevent yourselves from getting violent with each other. As for getting your son to do chores, homework, and follow curfew, it can be really helpful to focus on what you can control, and what you cannot. We do not advise physically making your son do his chores or his homework, and ultimately, you cannot control whether your son decides to come home on time. You can only control yourself and your response to these actions. You have the power to hold him accountable for his choices. What that might look like is suspending a privilege until he complies with what you are asking (for example, not being able to play video games until his chores are done). I am including links to some articles you might find helpful: The Homework Battle: How to Get Children to Do Homework & Unmotivated Child? 6 Ways to Get Your Child Going. Good luck to you and your family as you continue to work through this.
Comment By : Rebecca Wolfenden, Parental Support Advisor
Comment By : FED UP!!!
* To 'FED UP!!!': It is difficult, if not impossible, to make your daughter care about something that she does not care about. We encourage you to continue to follow up with her classes about missing work, and holding her accountable for that. We recommend doing some problem solving with her about her missing assignments, and using “what” questions instead of “why”. Phrasing your question as “What was going on for you when you decided not to do your assignment?” is different from “Why isn’t your homework done?” From her answer, you can then talk about what specifically she is going to do to ensure her assignments are completed and turned in, such as working on 3 missed assignments each night until she is caught up. Your power lies in the ability to hold her accountable by suspending a privilege until this is done. For example, you might hold on to her cell phone until she shows you that the assignments for that night are completed. Ultimately, it is up to her whether she passes her classes or not; however, you can help her by setting the structure and holding her accountable to that. I am including a link to an article I think you might find helpful: The Homework Battle: How to Get Children to Do Homework. Good luck to you and your family as you continue to work through this.
Comment By : Rebecca Wolfenden, Parental Support Advisor
* To ‘dazed and confused’: It’s so frustrating when kids refuse to cooperate with a consequence. However, it’s not necessary to increase the length of time. After all, we don’t want his lesson here to be how to live without his phone, we want his lesson to be that being late to classes comes with an unpleasant consequence. For future reference you might want to place a call to your cell phone service provider to see if there is a way you can control the service itself—this way he doesn’t need to hand you the phone, you can just call them or go on their website and suspend his access. Additionally, you could improve the effectiveness of the consequence even more by shortening it and allowing him the chance to earn the phone back by demonstrating that he can get to his classes on time—when he goes three days without being late for any classes, he can have his phone access again. This way, he’s practicing the behavior you want to see. It would also be very helpful for you to talk to him about what he can do differently to get to class on time. As far as the anger goes, James Lehman felt that focusing on your child’s feelings is not helpful. Focus on the behavior instead and remember it’s not uncommon for teens to appear irritable and moody. Good luck as you work through this. Take care.
Comment By : Sara Bean. M.Ed., Parental Support Advisor
Comment By : justsaying
Comment By : marly
* Hi Marly. It sounds like you are in the middle of a really tough situation. It’s not uncommon for kids in divorce situations to gravitate toward the parent that parents in a way which the child perceives as being to his or her own advantage. For example, most kids will naturally want to live with the parent who has fewer rules, and who can blame them? That’s a natural response. It’s also not uncommon for kids to try to pit parents against each other, as your daughter seems to be doing here. What’s most effective in these types of situations is to focus on what you can control. You can’t control what your daughter says, but you can talk to her about what her reason is for telling dad those things and you can talk about what she can do differently instead. We call this problem solving. It sounds like you are handling your daughter’s threats to call her dad to come get her in a very calm way and then walking away, and that’s a very good move. Much like you can’t control what she says to him, you can’t make him see her behavior from your perspective. Again, try your best to focus on what you can control and keep your disagreements about parenting as private as possible. Good luck as you work through this. Take care.
Comment By : Sara Bean, M.Ed., Parental Support Advisor
Comment By : the dad
* To “the dad”: What a difficult situation this is. I often hear similar stories from other parents. One thing you can do is limit the amount of free time available to your daughter; try to have them spend time at your house or at other times when you can supervise them. Try to put the focus on behavior, specifically your daughter’s behavior. If she makes a bad choice, hold her accountable for the choice regardless of whether or not she was influenced by her friend. Even if her friend’s parents don’t hold him or her accountable, you can still set up a culture of accountability for your daughter in your home. In other words, you decide what the rules and expectations are in your home. I am including a couple of articles I think may be useful to you here: Does Your Child Have "Toxic" Friends? 6 Ways to Deal with the Wrong Crowd & How to Create a Culture of Accountability in Your Home .
Good luck as you and your family work through this challenge. Take care
Comment By : D. Rowden, Parental Support Advisor