With a new school year starting, many parents find themselves gearing up for another round of bad attitudes and power struggles with their kids. Teens and pre-teens especially seem to have an “I don’t care,” or “Why bother?” attitude about school, homework and their other responsibilities, whether it be chores around the house or a part-time job. Do you find yourself asking your teen, “How will you ever make it in life if you don’t take these things seriously now?”
My friend “Erica” describes what happened with her teenage son last year: “Our 17-year-old has the worst attitude about school. He refuses to do any homework, says it's stupid and ‘doesn’t have anything to do with the real world.’ He tells us that he doesn’t even need to go to school in order to get a good job – all he has to do is get 'really good at video games' because he believes he can get a high paying job ‘testing’ them without graduating from high school. When I tell him I don't think this is going to happen, he rolls his eyes, looks at the ceiling, and lets out a big, over-dramatic sigh – in general behaving like I’m a naïve grown-up, with absolutely no understanding of what life is like today.”
Any attempt Erica has made to talk with him about school, getting a “regular” job, or even about concrete steps he might take to actually get one of those game testing jobs is met with the “adults don’t know anything” attitude. “He has such a sense of entitlement and a complete misunderstanding of reality. He has this idea that life is going to be so easy – no work, no schedules, no need to do anything he doesn’t want to. It drives me crazy to see him wasting his time like this, when he should be focusing on school so he can get into college and get a real job. His attitude is: ‘Why should I? I’m better than other people.’ How can I change his attitude and make him see reality?”
Does any of this sound familiar?
Parent Support Line specialists often hear from parents who feel frustrated at their teen’s lack of acceptance of responsibilities and their abundance of “bad attitude.” Whether it’s doing well in school or keeping a job, some kids just don’t seem to care about doing good work. Many teens have what James Lehman calls a “dreamer” mentality– they believe that an exciting, high paying job will simply land in their laps, and therefore getting good grades or taking a less-than-perfect job is seen as unnecessary.
The danger is that kids use that fantasy to justify their poor attitude around their responsibilities. When faced with their child’s entitlement, apathy, or lack of interest in work or school, parents get caught up in trying to make their children understand and accept the adult point of view. They try to get their kids to be “realistic” about their futures, and work hard so that they have the skills they need in life. I think parents also get frustrated at the lack of effort their kids show, and then worry about what kind of life their child is going to have if they don’t start taking life more seriously.
If you are in the thick of this kind of power struggle with your teen, you probably want him or her to listen to your speeches about the importance of hard work, and adopt a much better, more appreciative attitude. I have something to tell you: that is not going to happen. No matter how great, or how based in reality your argument is, you can’t force your child to think about the world the way that you do, and to adopt your experiences and your perspective. You can’t make them have a “better” attitude. Teens often have an apathetic or dismissive attitude about anything other than what they want to do. When you focus on trying to change your child’s attitude, you’re setting yourself up for frustration. As James Lehman says, "You can't feel your way to better behavior, but you can behave your way to better feelings." In order to feel effective and empowered in your role as a parent, you need to learn to ignore the apathetic, all-knowing attitude and focus on your child’s behavior. Let them know what is expected of them in your home, what your rules are, and what the consequence will be if they can’t figure out a way to comply with those rules and expectations.
For example, if your middle school child says, “I hate English! Why should I do my homework—this is stupid!” You can say, “I know you think your English assignment is stupid. You don’t have to like it, but you do need to finish it. You know the rules – no access to any electronics until your homework is completed. So how can you help yourself get it done?”
Don’t make the mistake of trying to get your child to “want” to have good grades, or “want” to get a job. That’s not likely to happen, either. You aren’t going to transform your child’s attitude about the world, or their place in it. Rather, it's your responsibility as a parent to help your child learn the skills they need to make their way in the world. Those skills are the same even if your child wants to do something you think is highly unlikely. You never know, maybe they will get a job as a video game tester, if that’s what they really want! Just don’t try to convince them that you are right and they are wrong. Don’t try to get them to stop resisting and start being “realistic.” Instead, focus on the behavior you would like to see change, and ignore the attitude. Focus on getting your teen to meet his responsibilities in the here and now—homework, chores, curfew. Once they leave your house, they are free to use the skills you’ve helped them learn—or not.
For my friend Erica, change came when she and her husband used the techniques from the Total Transformation Program and told their son, “You don’t have to like school, you don’t even need to agree with our version of reality, but you do need to comply with our rules while you’re living here. That means doing your homework, making decent grades, and getting a part-time job.” They also told their son that if he refused to comply with the house rules, he would experience consequences. To get things started, they told him he could not drive the family car until he'd filled out and dropped off three job applications. Within a month, he'd taken a job at a local fast food restaurant. Although he still insists that the adults don’t know anything, his parents feel much less helpless.
Remember, there’s a pay-out for focusing on your kid’s behavior and not his attitude: you’ll be teaching them one of the greatest lessons of all—how to be accountable in the real world.
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This article was very helpful in teaching my child the consequences he will be facing if he does not think about he future. SCHOOL is the #1 PRIORITY in my book
Comment By : eddie
This could not have been a more timely article. Just yesterday, I found myself asking my teenage daughter if she's going to have a bad attitude for the umpteenth day in a row. Now I see that I need not focus on her attitude, but rather on her behavior. I'll keep the list of consequences we've already discussed handy. Also, I'll do better to remember not to personalize her comments. Thanks.
Comment By : Macy
i have a child 15 in iep. his experiences in school. has been bad since k. the school he goes to is full of drugs and kids who are medicated for an assortment of reasons--anger, add, adhd etc. he came home in tears yesterday, school takes his whole personality and
twists it. his teachers and counselors from the past said he was a
great kid, very honest, he just dances to the tune of a different
drummer. he does not like to be like everyone else just to fit in
and is ridiculed for this. Should good kids suffer thru school like
this or should an alternative be found. he is looking forward to
going to vo-tech, but cannot start till next year.
Comment By : JJ
soooooo right Eddy, by the standards of kids since mine were being expelled for asking questions of the teachers that they did NOT want to answer. vivian
Comment By : cookie
I seem to be having a hard time differentiating between my 15yo daughters "behavior, and attitude" rolling the eyes, back talking me, telling me I'm retarded, and the way she speaks to her siblings is awful. She has already lost 99% of her privledges... and her answer to "my house my rules" is to go live with her father in another state. What do I do now????
Comment By : wits end
I agree with parents being more assertive in focusing on the child's behavior and sticking with the consequences. I am a teacher and if parents would hold the student accountable for his behavior, I believe kids would make more progress in all areas of life. It is difficult to teach when the home does not back up the system.
Comment By : Teacher
You don’t have to like school, you don’t even need to agree with our version of reality, but you do need to comply with our rules while you’re living here. - I wonder what your comment would be back to a teen who says fine then I am not going to live here anymore?
Comment By : sab
What if your teen says, "ok, I won't live here anymore if I have to follow your stupid rules."
Comment By : tween parent
I don't know if it's the "right" or "proper" answer, but my teenager has been told since day one that if she didn't like the way things were, and wanted to live somewhere else, "then I'll help you pack, and don't let the door hit you in the 'you-know-what' on your way out!" In reality I would not let her just leave like that, but SHE didn't know that! It never got to that point, thanks to good old reverse psychology! Maybe if your teen threatens to leave, just tell them to go right ahead, but see if life will be any easier out there in the real world! Are their friends' parents going to let them live there? NO! Are they going to live in a cardboard box? Working at the hamburg joint for the rest of their lives isn't going to pay the rent (and remind them that's what happens without a college education)! They are most likely just threatening you because they know it hurts you, but throwing it back at them might just shock them into not using that threat anymore. It sure worked on my brother and I, and it worked on my now 18 year old daughter!
Comment By : Kristine
I have come very close to physically throwing my 17 year old son out onto the streets. His behavior is so bad that he is verbally abusive and likes to call his mother and I names which I cannot repeat here. He recently got a job, but we don't let him drive because of marijuana use and his attitude/behavior. I drug screen him periodically to see if he is using anything harder and that is always a very ugly battle. "Shocking" him does not work. I have not thrown him out only because I want him to finish high school, however, he isn't trying very hard to get passing grades. His counselor has told us that we have very few choices, which include sending him away to a rehab/school (which is expensive and he can run away from anyway), or just try to get by for another 8 months. Life with my son in the house is a terrible struggle for my wife and I and also affects my younger son who is 14. I guarantee you, that when he finishes school AND is 18; HE IS OUT!
There is a point where turning your child out onto the street seems to be the only way to regain your sanity, however, as I have read in these articles and have tried to remind myself "love the child, hate the behavior". I know that his mother and I would be in a worse state of mind with worry if I followed through with my threat to toss him out. I have to count to 10 on a regular basis when my son "expresses" himself. I am waiting for the "upcoming article" that covers this behavior with eagerness!
Comment By : At Ropes End
We parents know reality. These kids would not last a week on their own. My daughter has threatened this so many times that now I have absolutely no problem pointing her to the door. She doesn't want to leave - she just wants to hurt me. It doesn't work anymore. When she tries to tell me that I don't care about her (because I would just let her go..., but isn't that what she wants???? Yeah, right), I told her very calmly that 1) she knows I care and love her very much and if she chooses not to believe that, then that is her choice, but the truth remains, and 2) no matter how much I care, it really doesn't matter until SHE starts to care about herself and her own life and take responsibility. I have gotten to the point that she knows, if she doesn't want to go to school and chooses to fail, then I will not stop her. Yes, there will be very severe consequences because if she does not go to school, it will soon be out of my hands and she will be accountable to a probation officer. In short, I've really just let her know that her "threats" don't scare me anymore. I am a single mom - I work full time and hard at home to make a good life for her. I am responsible every day to get to my job, and she needs to learn to live life by the rules, too. At this age, they are trying to assert their independence, but they are not ready to be independent. Just letting them know that you're sorry they are choosing this course in life and they will be sorry later, but you will allow them to fail if they choose, most of the time when they see they aren't getting the reaction from the parents they want, they will start stepping up. My daughter did. She is basically a good kids with a bad attitude. Thankfully, she does not do drugs or drink or anything like that, but I know that could enter the picture at any given time.
I also went through alot with my older son, who is now 21 and finally getting his act together in life. He tells me over and over he would not be where he is if I had not been tough with him. I'm clinging to the hope that my daughter will say the same someday. Not that I'm looking for accolades from them - I just really want my kids to grow up to be responsible and good human beings that can contribute something good to this awful world!!
Comment By : Mom In Training
My son is 16 and I'm counting the days till he's 18. He was cutting his classes the first and second week back to school. His drop out friends would come and pick him up and I would get a call from the school officer about his behavior. He has stolen our cars 4 times that I'm aware of and he doesn't even have a license. My husband threw him out friday and he came back saturday night with the intention of working it out. But, he still continues to have this attitude of doing whatever he wants when he wants. He has dropped out of his public high school and now is taking accredited courses online. (Not sure how that's going to work at this time, since my husband and I are both working) I wish the reverse psychology would work on my son, but apparantly it hasn't.
Comment By : Worried Mom
My 15 year old skips class every other day. I don't know how to talk to him about not doing that anymore. Please help
Comment By : Denise
I bought and mostly paid for a used car right before the beginning of my 17 year old daughter's senior year with the understanding that she do a better job at school (last year she barely scrapped by) and she get a part-time job and pay me back part of the money for the car. She is also responsible to pay her own car insurance. After a month she began to talk about graduating at semester, which I was fine with and thought that would give her incentive to do well since she was so close to the end of high school. Her plans were to go the jr. college beginning in January. She go the part-time job, but is doing terrible in school and 6 weeks in is failing 3 out of 4 classes. I'm considering taking back her car even though I know she will probably lose her job if I do. I want school to be her first priority, but her attendance and not turning in assignments shows her lack of caring. What should I do???
Comment By : Alarmed and confused mom