Megan Devine is a Parental Support Line Specialist and writer. She holds a Master of Fine Arts degree from Goddard College. She has a children’s career book in pre-publication, and has several other books in the works.

READER'S COMMENTS

This article was very helpful in teaching my child the consequences he will be facing if he does not think about he future. SCHOOL is the #1 PRIORITY in my book

Comment By : eddie

This could not have been a more timely article. Just yesterday, I found myself asking my teenage daughter if she's going to have a bad attitude for the umpteenth day in a row. Now I see that I need not focus on her attitude, but rather on her behavior. I'll keep the list of consequences we've already discussed handy. Also, I'll do better to remember not to personalize her comments. Thanks.

Comment By : Macy

i have a child 15 in iep. his experiences in school. has been bad since k. the school he goes to is full of drugs and kids who are medicated for an assortment of reasons--anger, add, adhd etc. he came home in tears yesterday, school takes his whole personality and twists it. his teachers and counselors from the past said he was a great kid, very honest, he just dances to the tune of a different drummer. he does not like to be like everyone else just to fit in and is ridiculed for this. Should good kids suffer thru school like this or should an alternative be found. he is looking forward to going to vo-tech, but cannot start till next year.

Comment By : JJ

soooooo right Eddy, by the standards of kids since mine were being expelled for asking questions of the teachers that they did NOT want to answer. vivian

Comment By : cookie

I seem to be having a hard time differentiating between my 15yo daughters "behavior, and attitude" rolling the eyes, back talking me, telling me I'm retarded, and the way she speaks to her siblings is awful. She has already lost 99% of her privledges... and her answer to "my house my rules" is to go live with her father in another state. What do I do now????

Comment By : wits end

I agree with parents being more assertive in focusing on the child's behavior and sticking with the consequences. I am a teacher and if parents would hold the student accountable for his behavior, I believe kids would make more progress in all areas of life. It is difficult to teach when the home does not back up the system.

Comment By : Teacher

You don’t have to like school, you don’t even need to agree with our version of reality, but you do need to comply with our rules while you’re living here. - I wonder what your comment would be back to a teen who says fine then I am not going to live here anymore?

Comment By : sab

What if your teen says, "ok, I won't live here anymore if I have to follow your stupid rules."

Comment By : tween parent

I don't know if it's the "right" or "proper" answer, but my teenager has been told since day one that if she didn't like the way things were, and wanted to live somewhere else, "then I'll help you pack, and don't let the door hit you in the 'you-know-what' on your way out!" In reality I would not let her just leave like that, but SHE didn't know that! It never got to that point, thanks to good old reverse psychology! Maybe if your teen threatens to leave, just tell them to go right ahead, but see if life will be any easier out there in the real world! Are their friends' parents going to let them live there? NO! Are they going to live in a cardboard box? Working at the hamburg joint for the rest of their lives isn't going to pay the rent (and remind them that's what happens without a college education)! They are most likely just threatening you because they know it hurts you, but throwing it back at them might just shock them into not using that threat anymore. It sure worked on my brother and I, and it worked on my now 18 year old daughter!

Comment By : Kristine

I have come very close to physically throwing my 17 year old son out onto the streets. His behavior is so bad that he is verbally abusive and likes to call his mother and I names which I cannot repeat here. He recently got a job, but we don't let him drive because of marijuana use and his attitude/behavior. I drug screen him periodically to see if he is using anything harder and that is always a very ugly battle. "Shocking" him does not work. I have not thrown him out only because I want him to finish high school, however, he isn't trying very hard to get passing grades. His counselor has told us that we have very few choices, which include sending him away to a rehab/school (which is expensive and he can run away from anyway), or just try to get by for another 8 months. Life with my son in the house is a terrible struggle for my wife and I and also affects my younger son who is 14. I guarantee you, that when he finishes school AND is 18; HE IS OUT! There is a point where turning your child out onto the street seems to be the only way to regain your sanity, however, as I have read in these articles and have tried to remind myself "love the child, hate the behavior". I know that his mother and I would be in a worse state of mind with worry if I followed through with my threat to toss him out. I have to count to 10 on a regular basis when my son "expresses" himself. I am waiting for the "upcoming article" that covers this behavior with eagerness!

Comment By : At Ropes End

We parents know reality. These kids would not last a week on their own. My daughter has threatened this so many times that now I have absolutely no problem pointing her to the door. She doesn't want to leave - she just wants to hurt me. It doesn't work anymore. When she tries to tell me that I don't care about her (because I would just let her go..., but isn't that what she wants???? Yeah, right), I told her very calmly that 1) she knows I care and love her very much and if she chooses not to believe that, then that is her choice, but the truth remains, and 2) no matter how much I care, it really doesn't matter until SHE starts to care about herself and her own life and take responsibility. I have gotten to the point that she knows, if she doesn't want to go to school and chooses to fail, then I will not stop her. Yes, there will be very severe consequences because if she does not go to school, it will soon be out of my hands and she will be accountable to a probation officer. In short, I've really just let her know that her "threats" don't scare me anymore. I am a single mom - I work full time and hard at home to make a good life for her. I am responsible every day to get to my job, and she needs to learn to live life by the rules, too. At this age, they are trying to assert their independence, but they are not ready to be independent. Just letting them know that you're sorry they are choosing this course in life and they will be sorry later, but you will allow them to fail if they choose, most of the time when they see they aren't getting the reaction from the parents they want, they will start stepping up. My daughter did. She is basically a good kids with a bad attitude. Thankfully, she does not do drugs or drink or anything like that, but I know that could enter the picture at any given time. I also went through alot with my older son, who is now 21 and finally getting his act together in life. He tells me over and over he would not be where he is if I had not been tough with him. I'm clinging to the hope that my daughter will say the same someday. Not that I'm looking for accolades from them - I just really want my kids to grow up to be responsible and good human beings that can contribute something good to this awful world!!

Comment By : Mom In Training

My son is 16 and I'm counting the days till he's 18. He was cutting his classes the first and second week back to school. His drop out friends would come and pick him up and I would get a call from the school officer about his behavior. He has stolen our cars 4 times that I'm aware of and he doesn't even have a license. My husband threw him out friday and he came back saturday night with the intention of working it out. But, he still continues to have this attitude of doing whatever he wants when he wants. He has dropped out of his public high school and now is taking accredited courses online. (Not sure how that's going to work at this time, since my husband and I are both working) I wish the reverse psychology would work on my son, but apparantly it hasn't.

Comment By : Worried Mom

My 15 year old skips class every other day. I don't know how to talk to him about not doing that anymore. Please help

Comment By : Denise

I bought and mostly paid for a used car right before the beginning of my 17 year old daughter's senior year with the understanding that she do a better job at school (last year she barely scrapped by) and she get a part-time job and pay me back part of the money for the car. She is also responsible to pay her own car insurance. After a month she began to talk about graduating at semester, which I was fine with and thought that would give her incentive to do well since she was so close to the end of high school. Her plans were to go the jr. college beginning in January. She go the part-time job, but is doing terrible in school and 6 weeks in is failing 3 out of 4 classes. I'm considering taking back her car even though I know she will probably lose her job if I do. I want school to be her first priority, but her attendance and not turning in assignments shows her lack of caring. What should I do???

Comment By : Alarmed and confused mom

My older brother and his wife are under the same mind set as Erica(in the story) and now their kids are grown one is in jail and the other has no job the one that has no job and thought he could find a high paying one with out his high school diaploma he was wrong. All though I still wonder about my children's attitude I still make them do what they need to do and to follow the rules of our house and for the most part I have really good kids. I even have step kids who love and respect me because I made them follow the rules weather they like it or not. My oldest when she was living on her own called me to say thank you for making her do her chores. I still have kids at home one 14 and the other 11 and I'm trying my best to do the same thing with them I just wish the attitudes would stop before they got started.

Comment By : Happy mom

I ALSO HAVE A 16 YEAR OLD WITH THE SAME ATTITUDE ABOUT LIFE THAT SHE IS DOING THE BEST SHE CAN BUT SHE IS NOT.I HAVE A FRIEND ME AND HER EXCCHANGE STORIES ABOUT OUR TEENAGERS AND WHAT WE GO THROUGH WITH THEM. WELL MY FRIEND I HAVENT TALKED TO IN A COUPLE OF WEEKS I FINALLY EMAILED HER TO SEE HOW SHE IS DOING.I CAME TO FIND OUT THAT HER DAUGHTER RAN AWAY FROM HOME BECAUSE SHE THOUGHT THAT IT WILL BE BETTER NOT LIVING WITH HER MOM THAT LOVES HER VERY MUCH,SHE THOUGHT IT WOULD BE BETTER TO BE IN THE STREETS WELL GUESS WHAT IT WASNT SHE WAS MURDERED A FEW WEEKS AGO.OUT IN THE STREETS WITH NO WHERE TO GO BUT HOME.TEENAGERS YOU NEED TO LISTEN TO YOUR PARENTS AND PARENTS DONT TRY AND BE YOUR CHILDS FRIEND THEY CAN FIND A FRIEND AT SCHOOL WHERE THEY NEED TO BE.STICK TO YOUR GROUNDS IF YOU TELL THEM NO STICK TO IT.IM GOING THROUGH THE SAME THING LOTS OF YOU GUYS GOING THROUGH BUT IM HOLDING IT DOWN.RAISING A TEENAGER IS THE HARDEST JOB IN THE WORLD.THANKS FOR A LOT OF YTOU GUYS COMMENTS IT HELPED ME OUT A LOT.

Comment By : POOH 92

Part of the issue may well be your PUBLIC SCHOOLS! I worked in a public school for 5 years. And there are some nonessential currculums they are using. One that I was first exposed to personally in College in the 80's. The Life Boat scenario. Now they are subjecting kids as young as 12 to this. It is mind bending stuff. The student is told there is so much room and food for so many people in some disaster. A detailed list of the people left is given and some have to be voted off. These kids are being taught that they have the judgement and right to decide who lives and dies. Early teens is when humans are developing judgement. I don't think things like this is a wise exercise to be teaching children. Another of the games I saw is called "Board of Directors" The child is at the head of the board table (like in a meeting) and they are to place all the people in their life that have influence around the table. Including their parents. This is teaching them that as children with no judgement, they have the highest authority over their decisions, not their parents. This is undermining parental authority. Maybe now you can begin to understand where these attitudes are coming from. My answer, Home school! I have seen many turnarounds quickly in families from homeschooling and also getting rid of the TV. TV also teaches kids they have all the answers and the stupid adults are not important in their lives. Have you watched children's programming lately? Whenever there is an enemy, the children are the heroes and there are no adults around at all. The kids have the smarts and the superpowers to save the world. Think this might be an influence?

Comment By : whisperingsage

My 17 year old son just had a similar argument. He is failing in school and says "I just don't care. I am going to die fighting in Iraq or Afghanistan in 2 years anyway." He just joined the army. He is depressed but absolutely refuses to take any medication. Help!

Comment By : Annie

Hi I have a 16 yr old daughter who hates me and my common law husband and her whole life she left home went to my moms and tells them her version of the story and not both sides im so fed up frutrated and have no idea what to do

Comment By : rozzy

My soon to be 16 year old daughter is in 9th grade. She has D's & F's on her report card, and has been grounded since...Christmas? Nothing we've done or said has made her get her grades up. When she does her work and turns it in, she gets A's & B's, but all the rest of her grades are F's. She says (although we've told her no) that a D is a passing grade (not in my world!). We get updates from her teachers every week, and every week she says she's going to improve. Nothing yet. She's also been sneaking out to see her boyfriend. We've taken away her house key, and told her to go to her dad's work after school. So far, she's done that once - otherwise she just shows up at home at 7:30 or so. So - to summarize. Bad Grades, Grounded, no benefits (not even a bedroom door knob anymore!), and yet no improvements - indeed, and even greater non-compliance, and major disrespect. We've had the "be responsible" talk, the "it's your life" talk; if there's an idea out there that's supposed to shake a little sense into a kid, we've tried it. I've read some things about just letting them crash & burn, with the hope that when they see it's a tough old world, they'll straighten themselves out. Anybody tried that? How'd it work out? Any suggestions?

Comment By : flabberghasted mom

I can honestly say I know this feeling. I have a 15 year old who does not believe they need school to become a comedian. He thinks school is boring and stupid. I have no idea how to "make" him see that he needs backup skills just in case. I have finally "given up" because I am tired of repeating myself daily. I am not sure if this is the right way to handle this but I have my own mental diagnoses. My son has ADHD and other diagnoses himself and I am in constant battle about something. I have tried all I know and learn to "keep the peace" in my home. Posted posters with rules, rewards, and consequences listed, tried talking instead of yelling, tried not doing anything at all, basically, you name it, I have tried it. No luck. So if anyone has any other suggestions, my ears are open.

Comment By : gonetothelimitandback mom

I have a 14 year old stepson that is very disrespectful to me especially when his daddy can't hear him. How do I handle this it is tearing me apart.

Comment By : mamadonna

my heart goes out to all of you. i know its a hard task. im 17 and i had such a rough couple of "teen years". i did alot of drugs, ended up getting expelled in the 8th grade and receiving felony charges. finally my mom whom i bumped heads with constantly sent me away for 7 months to a thereapuetic boarding school for teens. it really did change alot of things for me but not eveything. anyway my mom kind of kicked me out. i ran away on and off and terrible things happened to me while i was away. after all that i finally deecided it would be best if i got my ged and went to college early so i did.....and at 16 i deicided to move out of my parents house and be on my own. its been over a year and i fully finanially take care of myself and im almost done with my associates degree ..i just want all you parents to know there is light at the end of the tunnel. it will get ugly and i mean real ugly and usually it takes alot longer for teens to grow up then i did..best advice i can give all of you is dont let your teen EVER actually leave. it can lead to really bad things ...teens will do drugs. its sad, i know but they will, and just having civlized talks and knowing where they are and make sure theyre not driving will save their lives.consequences are a great tool to use, just make sure you let your teen see light at the end of tunnel too give them incentives to get them back or else they will feel like theres no end...just do your best to keep them alive and safe and if youre doing a good job they will get it eventually, promise:)

Comment By : from the horses mouth

and also i would like to reply to flabberghasted mom's comment. the point that your daughter is at is a point i was at in my life at one point around the age of sixteen. my mom tried everything that you did took away my door ect. ect. i would sneak out to go see my boyfriend or go to parties. basically rules and punishments didn't work for me anymore and i had no respect for anything.. and the whole crashed and burn thing is pretty much what my mom did. she allowed me to do "whatever " and i chose to leave and do drugs and party. and trust me when i say it didn't last. it only took a few days and i didn't want to come home neccasarily because i didn't want to give my mom control or prove her right that the life i wanted to lead was wrong ... but when i hit rock bottom and had no one to turn too there was only family and i came home and changed my life ..it was reluctantly but hey im doing great now so when all else fails i say yes let a teen crash and burn and realize the truth of life. they will be horrified trust me.

Comment By : from the horses mouth again

Thank you "from the horses mouth" for giving a teen's perspective. OUr oldest, now 24, went through the same things at 16 and 17. He left our home at 17, was gone 4 months and finally asked to come home. He saw first hand how rough the world can be on your own, especially when you aren't old enough to support yourself. I tried to keep him home, but couldn't because he was 17. When he did come home, he had a new found appreciation for us, his family. I know he experienced some really bad stuff while he was gone, and it breaks my heart that those things happened to him. However, it was his choices that caused that and he knows that.

Comment By : momofthree

My 15-year-old daughter would LOVE to leave but, as she has told me many times, she only stays because if she moved out, she would have to live somewhere else and would't get to see her friends. Of course, I reminded her that she would also probably not have a computer, an ipod, her own cell phone, etc. If there was a safe place to send her, to "see how the other half lives", we'd do it in a heartbeat. Can't afford the $25000 for a therapeutic setting. But, she has also threatened to call 911 during our arguments. When she does threaten (three times, perhaps, in two years), I have handed her the phone. Literally. She will not make the call because she knows that it could start the ball rolling for something like foster care and, because she's smart, that finally stops her. Of course, calling 911 because you and your mom are in a screaming match (no, not proud of it when I lose the battle and go "off program), can make the authorities grumpy with you, too. For the mom above who says the alternative is the child living with dad in another state, I say, unless he's a horrible parent then why not let the kid go? Maybe you could convince Dad to make HIS rules even stricter. In the meantime, you could have some peace to regroup for the day you KNOW your kid will come back. This is hard!

Comment By : Eeyorefan

I have a 15 year old boy who is atotal jackass and enjoys every minute of it. He is mouthy to everyone and disrespectful. It borders on mean spirited. he is extremely negative about everything and has nothing nice to say about anyone or anything. What can we do to make him stop this

Comment By : jackieboy

* Dear jackieboy: Having a bad attitude is one of the techniques that kids use to solve problems. They use it to get us to back off, to change our minds, or to ineffectively express their feelings. James Lehman recommends that you ignore your child's attitude so that you stay focused on the behavior you want your child to change. Paying attention to your child's attitude gives him a lot of power and it pulls you into a power struggle. In order for your son’s negativity to not have the power he would like it to have, try to ‘ignore it’. For example, let’s say he’s supposed to wash the dishes after dinner but instead plops himself in front of the TV. You might say to him, “You have a responsibility to do the dishes now. Go get them done.” If he responds with his negative attitude, say nothing. Disconnect and walk away. He’s inviting you into an argument. If he doesn’t get the dishes done there can be a consequence for that. It sounds like your son uses attitude a lot. You might want to sit down and talk to him about his behavior and have him come up with ideas of how he can handle situations more appropriately using the “Alternative Response” from Lesson 6. If he is not taking it seriously, but gives you attitude, tell him, “Look. This is important and you have to take this seriously. Until you’re ready to have this discussion, you have no privileges. Let me know when you’re ready.” Here you’re telling your child that his attitude will not get him out of his responsibilities. If your son is using ‘name calling’ or intimidation, that’s abuse and needs to be handled differently. Look at this article by James Lehman to address that behavior: Disrespectful Child Behavior: Where Do You Draw the Line? We hope these ideas and articles are helpful. Remember you can also call the trained specialists on the Support Line to discuss the specific behaviors you’re working on with your child. We’re here to help.

Comment By : Carole Banks, Parental Support Line Advisor

i am dealing with 4 teenagers all at once. three are girls. i have had one that has been rebellious. now i'm beginning with another. i can tell you that children will do as much as allowed to do. i was a problem teen that included stealing cars and drug use. my mother wasn't hard in the areas that mattered. i had no set rules and punishment was something that i never "accepted". however, if she would have put her foot down immediately rather than allowing me ground with her it would never have went as far as it did. there is always a consequence that you can put on your child until they move out for EVERYTHING that they do. you just have to sit down and be rational...and a bit creative too sometimes. our daughter was sneaking out of the house to see her boyfriend in the early hours while we slept. once caught we began locking the doors at night from inside with a padlock. We're willing to nail the windows too if need be. it's stopped for now. but there's always going to be something else. you just have to breathe and think. i'm on here tonight to try to find some good advice for backtalking since i have 4 teenagers and they seem to be feeding off of each other. i've told them they can express themselves if they like if they don't like something, but it has to be done respectfully and ultimately my answer is THE answer at the end. Also i have told all of them to come with me with a solution instead of a problem, example would be instead of telling me that they hate school, tell me how they might be able to fix it or i might be able to help in the problem. ultimately they HAVE to go to school, but there are aspects that might be able to be done differently. i just don't want to hear all of them complaining about everything non-stop all day long. it wears a parent out mentally. nobody deserves that. and for being disrespectful or defiant to what i say they get an automatic one week grounding. no phone, no outside, no games, nothing. they can read a book. it tends to change a teens view when they have nothing to do. rules and consequences have to be set ahead of time. then consequences follow the next time someone breaks the rule. otherwise if it's not enforced you become a pushover. so make sure your rules are fair and that you won't have a problem with saying, i told you...now you get punished. you have a choice with a mixed family as to if the child goes to his or her other parent's home to live. never use it as a threat cause they might take you up on it, likewise you tell them they don't have that option when they threaten it. it's used as leverage to get you to bend to THEIR rules. once you see this then you can deal with the fears much better.

Comment By : fullhouse

I have a 15 year old step daughter who treats me like in am a no body. when she is told to do something she rolls her eyes at me and gives me dirty looks. She likes to start fights between her father and me she sits at the top of the stairs and laughts about it. And if she get into trouble for something she will make up story to get the other kids in trouble. My husband and i have almost gotten a divorced of her. Everytime I ask her to do something around the house it ends up in a fight the other kids don't think it is fair that she don't have to do anything. She will make a big mess and then fight with me about cleaning it up. My family is always fight because of this one child. What do i do? Can't send her back to her mom her mom don't want her there either she caused to many problems there. Please can someone help me.

Comment By : I need someones help

* Dear 'I Need Someone's Help': Raising a blended family can create really difficult challenges. It’s important to work together as parents. Tell your husband you’d like to talk about the house rules for the kids and ask him when he’d like to have that conversation. Let your goal be to only have house rules that you and your husband agree to and that he will help you enforce. Sometimes parents will stay focused on what they disagree on. Instead, begin this house rules discussion by talking about where you agree as a couple. Without your husband’s support on a house rule, you may be setting yourself up for failure with your step-daughter. As James Lehman says, “Pick your battles--and make sure you win the one’s you pick.” Even with this kind of planning, there will probably be times when you and your husband disagree over the kids. Just make sure these conversations are not in front of the kids so you’re not experiencing a situation where your step-daughter is over-hearing you from the top of the stairs. Remember, it’s not about asking your husband to side with you over his daughter--it’s about deciding together as parents what are good limits and expectations for all the kids. If any of the children choose not to follow the house rules, that child should receive a consequence. It’s better not to try and force the child to comply—this puts you in a power struggle with the child—fighting for the upper hand. You already have the upper hand in that you will give the child a consequence for choosing not to follow the house rules. James Lehman wrote a great article regarding power struggles you might find helpful: Avoiding Power Struggles with Defiant Children Declaring Victory is Easier than You Think. It’s located at this web address: http://www.empoweringparents.com/How-to-Avoid-Power-Struggles-with-Defiant-Children.php Remember, you can always call the trained specialists on the Support Line. They will help you apply the program techniques in your specific situation. Thanks for your question. I’m sure many parents experience similar situations. Keep in touch.

Comment By : Carole Banks, Parental Support Line Advisor

I feel like my 17 soon to be 18 year old daughter is beyond changing. For the past three or four years her attitude has gotten worse. She comes and goes when she pleases, she has not been to school for the past two years, she sleeps most of the day away and has no respect for anyone or anything. She is mad at the world for the way her life choices have turned out but will not take the blame for any of it. She gets involved with one loser after another most of them are concidered by society to be adults and losers on top of that. I've tried talking, reasoning, threats, the silence treatment but nothing changes the way she is. She is, when she 's in a good moode (rare) one of the nicest, sweetest kids you could ever come accross. However her priorities are completely screwed up. She has no respect what-so-ever for me, her mother, the one who brought her into this world, raised her and her sister alone has held two jobs while also attending college just so she can have some of the things that I didn't when I was growing up. She gets made if you even look in her direction, and by mad I mean nasty, verbal abuse, slamming things, yelling and laying blame. I just don't know what to do any more..........

Comment By : at a loss for words

* Dear at a loss for words: It can certainly feel like an unchangeable situation, but as James says, it's never too late to start changing things in your home. It won't be easy, but the truth is, it isn't impossible. There are many articles on EP you may find helpful; Rules, boundaries, and older children might be a good place to start. Take some time to decide what the non-negotiable ground rules are in your household (no physical violence or drug/alcohol use are some examples, requiring a job or school attendance could be on the list as well), and what the consequences will be for violating those rules. Some families choose to have their older teens find another place to stay for 24 hours if they break these rules. As calmly as possible, let your daughter know what these rules are, and what she can expect to see happen when she follows them - she can earn rides or computer time, or something else she values. Once those non-negotiable rules are clear, choose one or two behaviors you would like your daughter to improve; don't try to tackle everything at once. For example, you might focus on how your daughter behaves when she is angry, using conseqeunces and rewards to help her learn to calm herself down (the articles Kids who are verbally abusive, why don't consequences work for my teen, and sick of your kids' backtalk may give you some ideas). Ignore the attitude as much as you can, focusing on the behavior instead. When you've seen some improvement in those behaviors, you can move on to the next most annoying behaviors on the list. Step by step, you can take back control in your home. Keep in touch, and let us know how it's going.

Comment By : Megan Devine, Parental Support Line Advisor

i have a soon to be 16 year old with a bad attitude towards everone in the home more so with me his mom, he has a girlfriend that is to easy if you know what i mean and none of us like her. she is always breaking up with him for someone else.instead of my son finding someone better he chooses her. he is always ignoring his school work,his chores and is always arguing with me or calling me names.he moved in with his father for a few months then moved back with me.ever since he came back nothing has changed at all. he tells us that the only reason he moved back in is because of his girlfriend. I had no stress when he was gone but now I think it is more now. i don't know what to do he wants to live a his grandmothers who really isn't his grandmother .she i the big reason he is the way he is and everytime i tell he can't see her his attitude gets worse. they always try to get me in trouble with the county. what do i do now let him go. he won't go to his dads and he doesn't want to stay here. i need some help.

Comment By : ldattlermay

* Dear '1datlermay': This is a tough emotional situation you’re describing. I hope you have someone who you can turn to for support. But, no one can really answer the question for you--whether you should let your son go live elsewhere. Only you know him well enough to make that decision. Where you might start in your decision making is asking yourself, “What are my goals for him?” I would recommend that one of the things you don’t have as a goal is that he stops seeing his girlfriend. People are attracted to others for very complicated reasons. Whatever his are, it’s something he needs to do right now. Just require him to comply with household rules-- doing his school work and chores before he goes out for the day, for example, and coming home at reasonable times. From his perspective it might seem to him that everyone he wishes to see, you are doing your best to stop these visits. James wrote a really good article about this subject because many parents struggle with the same issue you do. It’s called: Does Your Child Have "Toxic" Friends? 6 Ways to Deal with the Wrong Crowd. Call the trained specialists on the Support Line for more personalized assistance on implementing the tools and techniques in James Lehman’s Total Transformation Program. Keep in touch. We’re here to help.

Comment By : Carole Banks, Parental Support Line Advisor

My teen daughter is 14 and has an iep. shes struggled since i can remember shes reading on a 2nd and 3rd grade level her attitude is awful and she picks on her two younger sisters she does her choes when asked but her mouth wants to forever have something to say. She is about to enter high school. And im in fear that it will take her to fall on her face before she will pick her self up. i can ignore the attitude but wont she think its ok to have. wont it make her care less about anything she needs to know about life. Both me and her father try to tell her that lifes no joke school is the key to her life .is she just lazy or just doesnt care.Idont know what to do can anyone offer me ideas im afraid my tewo younger daughter will take on her as a roll model and think shes right because they look up to her. please email me at truly_demanding@hotmail.com please with any thoughts that may have worked for you or that might he helpful thanks melanie

Comment By : truly_demanding

* Dear truly_demanding: You bring up some great questions. Ignoring her attitude won't necessarily make her think it is okay, especially if you calmly acknowledge it and redirect her: "rolling your eyes is not going to change the rules," or: " snotty comments won't get your homework done." The point here is to not focus on the attitude, rather, focus on what she needs to be doing at that time. Telling your daughter that school is the key to life is simply wasting your energy - kids don't think the way that adults do. In order to get her to comply with what you value - school and homework, you'll need to use something that she values, like phone use or computer time. For more on that, please see End the Nightly Homework Struggle in the EP archives. As far as your younger daughters watching - you're right. Your younger girls ARE watching, but they are watching how YOU respond to your eldest's behaviors. If they see that she gets you upset, or that she is allowed to skip homework if only she complains enough, then they will see that that approach "works." If they see you calmly redirect your daughter to the task at hand, reminding her that she only has access to her privileges when her schoolwork is done, then your younger children learn that attitude won't get them what they want. Good luck, and let us know how it's going.

Comment By : Megan Devine, Parental Support Line Advisor

I m a single mum, trying to raise a 17 yr old daughter who is a great academic but appears to despise her brother of 14. He is a great sportsman but has now decided that he can do it is way-not the guided way..as in serious training..but wants all the top notch gear!i am prepared to give my free time, money in order for them both to excel-without expectations- but a thank you every now and then would not go amiss. I only receive this when I driev their friends home. My issue is to ease the strain, the stress of being a single mum- WHAT is an appropriate consequence? Deprivation of TV- I pods, cinema trips with friends, etc has not worked. How can I make them see we could live in harmony?we do have it good! I tell them how proud I am and how much I love them but the pain and the hurt is sometimes too hard to keep under control..what do we do in order to keep our credibilty?

Comment By : christine

* Dear "christine": It's not clear from your question what a consequence would be given for, so I am not sure how to respond. It sounds like maybe you'd like your kids to get a consequence if they don't thank you for your time and effort. If that is true, you may not have the results you'd like. While it would be fantastic if kids realized the great sacrifices parents make for them, and how "easy" they do truly have it, as James has said - "don't hold your breath." Developmentally, kids just don't think in those kinds of "appreciative" terms - neither do some grown ups! And, if you tell your kids that unless they say thank you, they will lose their electronics, you may well get that "thank you," but it won't mean that they appreciate your work. You may have more success if you focus on a behavior, rather than a feeling. For example, if your kids need to treat each other more appropriately - by not calling names or making fun of each other - let them know that if they break that rule, they will lose access to their electronics until they can speak respectfully for two hours in a row. Make the time limit just far enough out of reach that they have to stretch, but not so long that they can't do it. Remember, your goal is to help them improve their behavior, so you do want them to be able to reach that goal. For more help in dealing with sibling issues, and how to mandate respect click here.

Comment By : Megan Devine, Parental Support Line Advisor

i m sorry i did not specify what is my problem did i?i am so wound up from the arguing and the ignoring me that i went off track!My son is backchatting me frequently and saying no to simple requests which in turn get me angry and an argument evolves.I have tried the i ll say no to requests then too..but the guilt and the sadness i feel whilst trying to be firm as a single mum, is often too much.basically i hate to see days wasted over petty fights and am afraid of my kids walking out and cutting me off because they hate me. I am afraid of losing them in other words. i yearn for a harmonious and happy family-i try to please them by being helpful and caring but the feeling i am not doing the right thing is haunting me. I then feel unsure that i am a good mum and am sad. teen years i know are hard, but they are times spent with the family in the same house, an di want to cherish these moments. I know the day will come soon enough when they leave and go their own way. Therefore it is not a simple thank you i am hoping for perhaps more a recognition of being a good mum,loved and cared for. Is this too much to ask? to witness the back chat and be the target of their frustrations makes me feel insecure. I just want us all to be happy -the fighting, the tension, is making me feel so depressed and is giving me ill health. Please advise..

Comment By : christine

* HI Christine - Unfortunately, kids just don't recognize the sacrifices their parents make for them. That kind of gratitude may come later in life, when they have more experience being on their own, without you to provide for them, but as James' says, "Don't hold your breath." Learning to be clear, consistent, and direct will help you continue to build the kind of relationship that you want with your kids. Remember, you can't require that your kids feel respect, concern, or love for you: you can't mandate a feeling. What you can do is create a culture of accountability in your family and help your kids learn the skills they need to be successful. As you've found, arguing over things does not help. And giving in to everything, in hopes of creating a harmonious household, also does not help. You might check out James' articles on power struggles and backtalk (type those terms into the global search box on the EP homepage), and consider becoming a Total Transformation program customer. Total Transformation support line specialists can help you create clear rules, expectations, and consequences for your kids. Parenting can also bring up personal issues, making it difficult to not take your kids' actions personally. You haven't mentioned if you have other support, but if not, you might seek out resources in your local area to help you deal with the challenges of parenting. Good luck.

Comment By : Megan Devine, Parental Support Line Advisor

My son's grades have fallen to c and d's. He is in love with a girl that we as parents dont approve of. It was found out that they were having unprotected sex and when he told us he tried to run away in his car and wrecked it. He has a ba habit of lying and his apathy for school and doing whats right is everywhere. All he cares about is this female! I am at my wits end help!

Comment By : confused Dad

* Dear confused dad - Remember that if you try and tell your son how "bad" his friends are, he will only defend them more strongly. You may have better luck if you stay focused on the rules and expectations in your home. If grades are important, you might start there, letting him know that he will have mandatory study time each school day for the classes in which he is not doing well. Only when that time has been completed will he have access to something he enjoys, such as electronics or computer time. (please see End the Nightly Homework Struggle in the EP archives for more details). As far as wrecking the car goes, you might require that he complete a driving safety class before he is able to access a vehicle again. Remember to focus on concrete, tangible goals and expectations, tying them to consistent, clear consequences and privileges. You might also read How To Control Kids Outside of Your Home, and Why Don't Consequences Work for My Teen, both in the EP archives.

Comment By : Megan Devine, Parental Support Line Advisor

I married my wife in China, where I was teaching for 5 years. I am Canadian, she is Chinese. Her son from her marriage in China is with us here in Canada. I treat him like my own. Unfortunately, he shows no respect for myself, plays his mother against me, etc, etc. About a year ago, when questioned about why he did not hand in most of his assignments, he told me that if I bothered him, he would tell his mother to divorce me and that she would if he asked her. He lies constantly about school, etc, sneaks around doing things like playing video games, etc, when he is supposed to be studying, then argues big time when he gets caught. It seems that every time my wife catches him in a lie or doing something behind her back, it reverts back to being my fault in his mind, and he starts arguing and screaming loudly in Chinese. Recently, he has wanted to fight me. His mother took his computer away the other day because he has a 40% average at school so far this term. Then, the next day, she gave it back because he said he would get 75% for sure. I am perplexed on what to do here, any advice would be appreciated.

Comment By : Frustration city

* Dear ‘Frustration city’: Working to blend a family together can be challenging. It can take time for family members to adjust to new relationships. James Lehman wrote a series of articles on Blended Families you may find helpful; “My Blended Family Won’t Blend—Help!” and “Differences in Parenting? How Your Child May Be Using it Against You.” In these articles James recommends that the birth parent take the lead in making decisions around behavior goals for their child. However, both parents need to support each other as they help the child learn to comply with the house rules. What we would recommend in this situation is setting up a homework structure. If he is doing poorly in all classes, it may be time to ask him to work in a public place, such as the kitchen table, so his work can be monitored. Allow him to have privileges everyday AFTER he spends time doing homework. If he tries to blame you, James Lehman calls this technique the ‘turn around’ [Lesson 1], respond to him using problem solving language. “Yelling at me is not getting your homework done.” Be sure to call the Support Line when you have questions. We’d be glad to point you to specific parts of the program to address what you’re working on. Keep in touch.

Comment By : Carole Banks, Parental Support Line Advisor

As a parent of 3 grown kids, my oldest daughter at 16 ran away with a boy because "she was in love" gone for 5 months. (terrible time for me)didn't finish school, we found her and brought her home (believe me she was ready to come home too)Now, she is marred, two beautiful children, and got her GED. My middle child was our pride and joy. she saw what the oldest child did and what she put us through and went the opposite direction. Our son, heaven help him, had the attitude that these other parents are talking about. He more argued with his father than me because he knew I wouldn't tolerate it. I didn't argue with him. He would tell me he was going to do something and I would just ask questions. Such as, "how do you think that will turn out?" If he made a decision, I would say, "ok, if thats what you are sure you want to do. I hope you've thought that through" I could always see the look on his face and tell he was actually thinking about it. I've even caught him in situations and not get mad, just say "so, that working for ya?" I tried to make him "think" about the consequences of his actions. So, he did what all these kids are doing. He skipped class, ended up dropping and finally ended up in job corp. He has got his highschool diploma, got a job, and finally figured out we did actually know a thing or two. But, he had to figure it out for himself. He still has a little bit of an attitude when he comes around, but I just try to put things to him logically in a way he can understand, and that usually tones him down. I don't yell, I just talk to him. If he wants to get upset, oh well, he knows where the door is. May sound mean, but he knows I love him and will do anything for him. Just won't take his crap. Parent, it does get better..they are a different generation. they don't think like we do. Now if I could just figure out my son in law...

Comment By : gladtheyregrown

My son is only 11 years old, and reading through all your comments got me worried of the kind of teenager my son will be. He already has a rebellious behavior probably due to the consequence of our divorce! I'm aware that it is hard for a child of that age to visualize that from that point on he would have to live in a broken family, and this is a form of nonacceptance creating his rebellious behavior! He often lies to me to get away from punishment and tease his brother and friends without any limits! I told him that one day he will be left without friends and no one will trust him because of his aggressive behavior toward the others. Sometimes he pushes things to the last limit and gets me very mad but some other times I try to stay calm and explain him why he should behave as a better individual. He seems to understand but never stick up with it! He seems to be very confused and unstable, and that's what scares me the most. I try already from now to prevent issues that might become uncontrollable later! I know that getting upset with him, can only get him more rebellious, so I have to find other technics based on emotions and feelings!I really need you to help me with this!!!

Comment By : Georgia (mom)

* Dear ‘Georgia (mom)’: James Lehman’s Total Transformation Program is designed to address the behaviors you describe: teasing, lying, and aggression toward others. You will learn effective parenting techniques in the Program. Many parents try to change their child’s behaviors by ‘explaining’ to them why they should behave and try to use emotions and feelings to motivate their child. James takes a different approach. He says, “You can’t ‘feel’ your way to better behavior -- but you can ‘behave’ your way to better feelings.” What he is saying is that you should do the right thing -- regardless of how you feel -- and then having done the right thing, you’ll feel better. It’s important to teach kids that their feelings should not make their decisions for them. And James also teaches parents to view behavior as a performance issue -- not a moral issue. This will help you to view your son’s behavior as a problem that needs to be solved and may help you to get less upset at him, or to take his behavior choices personally. Call us here on the Support Line and let us know if we can answer any other questions for you. We’re here to help.

Comment By : Carole Banks, Parental Support Line Advisor

I too am having trouble getting my 15 year old stepdaughter to realize that doing her homework and succeeding in school means succeeding in life. Her last report card was just okay. In the past,she got mostly F's on her report card. I tell her she needs to do better. She will be starting her junior year this fall. I am afraid if she doesnt shape up,she wont graduate. How can I motivate her to get better grades? Such as A's and B's?

Comment By : concernedstepmom

* Dear ‘concernedstepmom’: It's best not to try to rely on changing your stepdaughter's study habits by having her understand how important school will be to her in later life. Although that’s an important message, to motivate a teen, use things they will experience right now. The best way to tackle homework is to set up a schedule. Doing the ‘day in day out’ task of school work will result in better study habits and hopefully better grades. Design your plan so that homework time is early enough in the day so that privileges can be withheld if time is not spent on homework. For more details on James Lehman’s homework system, read this article by Megan Devine, Parental Support Line Specialist: End the Nightly Homework Struggle-5 Homework Strategies that Work for Kids.

Comment By : Carole Banks, Parental Support Line Advisor

My son is 17 years of age otherwise he is very sweet for outsiders,everybodyoutisde has no complains about him but at home he has attitude. His grades also falling . He is in sort of depression, he doesnt want to study, he keeps on postponing things, doesnt get well with his father, wants luxries in life but doesnt want to make efforts,Please help me to tackle him.

Comment By : neena

* Dear ‘neena’: Anytime you are concerned about your child’s mental health, have him evaluated by a professional so you’re certain what is causing the low mood. Depression is treatable, but as James Lehman says, “You need to know what the problem is in order to develop a solution.” You should start by taking him to your family doctor. Your doctor needs to check to see if a medical problem is causing the symptoms of depression. To tackle homework issues, we recommend using a daily structure and daily incentives. If you can, set up homework time so that each day he is studying early enough in the afternoon or evening so that if he studies, he earns privileges that same evening—such as video games. For more ideas on managing the homework challenges, refer to this article by James Lehman: Sinking Fast at School: How to Help Your Child Stay Afloat http://www.empoweringparents.com/Child-and-Teens-Failing-School-How-to-Help-Your-Kid-Stay-Afloat.php. Thanks for your question. Keep in touch with us. We’re here to help.

Comment By : Carole Banks, Parental Support Line Advisor

I am at my frustration point with my 13 year old son he has a very lackadazicle attitude about everything. We recently caught him hiding his progress reports from school and discovered that he was failing in 2 subjects. So we grounded him for 2 months (for lying and hiding it for 3 weeks). Now the problem that I am having is he is now failing 4 classes ins school and I dont know what to do to help him change his attitude. He would rather lay on his bed and not do any of his school work then just getting it done. Any suggestions would be greatly apprecisated

Comment By : Worried Mom

* Dear ‘Worried Mom’: What James Lehman, author of the Total Transformation, suggests is to set-up a daily structure for homework time. Pick a time of day early enough so that if your son spends time doing homework, he earns privileges that night. If not, he loses privileges for that one night only but has the chance to get it right the next day. Using really short term consequences like this gives kids incentive to cooperate. James would say that grounding your child for two months is just teaching him ‘how to do time’ and not focusing on what he needs to change--which is his day to day study habits. We do get a lot of questions on how to handle homework. You will find many articles to refer to on empoweringparents.com by typing in the word ‘homework’ in our search box. Here is one example on study skills, written by James Lehman: Homework Hell? Part II: 7 Real Techniques That Work http://www.empoweringparents.com/Homework-Hell-Part-II-7-Real-Techniques-That-Work.php We appreciate your question, hope this was helpful, and encourage you to keep in touch with us.

Comment By : Carole Banks, Parental Support Line Advisor

I am separated i have two boys 15 and 13.i have no prblem with them with homework only with their attitude, they always tell me that i am selfish. and i dont treat them the way a mom should. i have a stable job, i have my boyfriend wich they get along well and thy see their father every day bcuz he picks them up at school he has no job. sometimes i do tell them if they are going to be better with their dad is ok for them to leave, is this wrong..?? what should i do..???

Comment By : claudia

"Instead, focus on the behavior you would like to see change, and ignore the attitude. Focus on getting your teen to meet his responsibilities in the here and now—homework, chores, curfew. " That's all fine and good, but what if consequences don't matter to the kid? What if the kid (17) just flips you the bird and walks out the door? A parent can really only enforce what he or she is enabled to enforce.

Comment By : Jen

I see a lot of people here struggling as I have with my 4 teenage children. The common thread with all of these parents is that we are constantly struggling to gain control that we really can't get. Sometimes the best thing is to drop the struggle. Develop a relationship with your child! If you don't have that, you won't have much of an influence on any aspect of their lives.

Comment By : Tracey

DEAR JIM, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS WEBSITE. MY HUSBAND AND I WERE BLESSED TO ADOPT 2 BROTHERS FROM RUSSIA, AGES 6 AND 8, AFTER HOSTING THEM FOR THE SUMMER. I DO SPEAK RUSSIAN, SO THAT WAS A TREMENDOUS HELP FOR OUR FAMILY WHEN THEY FIRST CAME. THE OLDER ONE IS 18 NOW AND I FELT THAT MUCH OF HIS BEHAVIOR WAS BECAUSE HE WAS ADOPTED. I AM SURE THAT PLAYS A BIG PART, BUT AFTER READING YOUR POSTED ARTICLES, BIOLOGICAL TEENS DO THE SAME THING HE DOES, SO IT GIVES ME HOPE. I HAVE GONE TO THERAPISTS, COUNSELING, CALLED THE POLICE, ETC. AND RIGHT NOW HE IS USING "PASSIVE AGGRESIVE' BEHAVIOR. NOT THAT I WOULD WISH THIS ON ANY PARENT, BUT I FEEL SO COMFORTED THAT I AM NOT ALONE, AND NOW CAN READ SOME INFORMATION AND GET SOME IDEAS ABOUT THESE ISSUES.I AGREE THAT MY JOB IS TO GET HIM TO STAND ON HIS OWN 2 FEET AND NOT BECOME ANOTHER "HELPLESS VICTIM", WE HAVE ENOUGH OF THOSE. I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW HOW GRATEFUL I AM THAT YOU STEPPED IN TO HELP PARENTS OF TODAY- IT IS A WHOLE NEW WORLD OUT THERE!A world where "truth is stranger than fiction".

Comment By : VIC

i am counting to ten about every other minute of the day when my 13 year old daughter is around i love her very much but i dislike her behavior so much it is sickning how ungrateful she is i dont like buying her anything besides her basic necessity's because she dosnt appreciate how blessed she is. she must not feel to good about herself because she constantly puts down others, i have tried giving her the tools and support she can use to be Happy not for me but with herself where can i get help

Comment By : bentmommie

* Dear ‘bentmommie’: It sounds like you are very frustrated with your daughter right now. As hurtful as it can be for parents, it is very normal for adolescents to appear to be very ungrateful. In the Total Transformation Program, James Lehman says, “Don’t hold your breath ‘til these kids say thank you or recognize your efforts. The part of self that appreciates others just isn’t developed in those kids yet. Don’t expect immediate compliance, appreciation, insight, acknowledgment or credit in response to your parenting efforts. Gratitude will come later, replacing blame. ” That said, we never discourage seeking help if you’re feeling worn down or overwhelmed. You can search for local supports in your area, such as counselors, therapists, support groups, etc., by visiting www.211.org, in information and referral website run by the United Way. Good luck and take care as you continue to work through this.

Comment By : Sara A. Bean, M.Ed., Parental Support Advisor

My 16 year old is very smart and funny. He is an honor student and could go to a really good college if he would apply him self. I have been told by his teachers that he is one of the smartest kids but he just doesn't care about being smart. Sometimes I can talk to him about his school and future and other times he dismisses it with comments such as "no body cares mom", which he thinks is funny. His comments sometimes hurt my feelings. I try to give him freedom to be a teenager but find myself at times giving him too much freedom that he hasn't earned. He is much easier to be around when he is happy obviously but once he is asked to do something he doesn't like then he tries to make you feel stupid for asking. He was caught smoking pot and drinking when he was 15. We put him on restriction for three months and made him do 75 hours of community service. He was actually really good during those months and I felt bad for him but he did the entire three months. Unfortunately he has had an attitude with me since then. I know now that grounding him for that long was not the right thing to do. I do believe the community service helped him and he did a great job when he was there. He does well feeling like he has a since of purpose and that people need him. I have to manipulate the situation to get him to do things around the house so that he feels needed. For instance, for him to mow the lawn or edge the lawn, I have had to go out and try to do it myself and really do a bad job. I will ask him questions on how to do the job better and he will just take the edger or lawnmower and do it himself because he gets a since of satisfaction proving that he can do a good job. Unfortunately he doesn't do that with homework or school in general. I constantly congratulate him on good test scores, etc. to try to make him feel good about what he has done. I just don't think I am getting to him at all. I don't know what else to do. I am requiring him now to get a job before we will help him buy a truck that he wants but he has not been as motivated as I thought he would be. I just feel like I have to work too hard to make my child feel like he should have a good attitude, be a good student for his future and be a good person. I know he has all the qualities it is just very hidden underneath a bad attitude from a teenager! My husband and I fight over this all the time, it's the only thing we have every argued over! My husband just wants to react and I want to know how to get through to him without yelling and causing so much stress in the household. I tell my husband all the time that he doesn't know how to deal with my son (his stepson) but he tells me that I just don't realize what goes through a teenage boys' mind and to let him handle it. By him trying to handle things his way it has caused resentment from my son and strained relationships between the three of us. My husband also says that he hangs around the wrong people. None of the boys he hangs around in have been in jail, yes they have been caught drinking (most teenagers will) but they have always been respectful to my husband and I. I don't think that my son is a follower but I do wish that he had a more diverse set of friends. I know it seems like I am all over the place with the situation I guess I just feel like, if my son could realize how his attitude is affecting everything he does and his future then our household would be more harmonious. I wish he could see that he could put his intelligence, wit and personality to better use! I love my son but I cannot bare to be around him at times!

Comment By : beyondfrustrated

This was a good article for the kid with average teen issues, but for those of us with more extreme problems, this is not quite enough. I think you can read this in many of these heartbreaking comments. You can see a lot of people in pain and worrying about their kids. Just know you are not alone.

Comment By : Marcia Stein

Reading these articles have inspired me. I have two teens, one 17 year old girl and 14, soon to be 15 year old boy. She being very loud and wild but yet an overall good girl and he being quiet and laid back, a really good boy. Neither one of them have done their best in school. I have been much more focused on her attitude and his school grades. Her attitude, you guys won't say it so I will, it sometimes makes you want to choke them, but your love for them outweighs the choking so it doesn't happen. I was raised by an elderly woman, so talking back is not an option! I will, as a result of these readings, be able to focus on what's most important: her behavior- doing her best in school and no longer taking advantage of the fact that all teacher love her; she'll use one teacher to say she is doing something for another teacher. Yes the teacher helped her not succeed with the grades she could have had. My son's grades make me wonder, how can a boy so kindhearted and respectful for the most part not follow so many directions. He lies and says he is doing HW only for the report card to come home stating HW rarely done in the comments section. Every year, for the past 4-5 years, we have had to wait for the report card to come in the mail to find out if he made his grade or not. Like said, I wll start to focus more on the behavior and holding more accountable and the biggest problem, I will be standing my ground from now on. They would be mad at you guys if they knew the awesome advice you gave!

Comment By : lustew

I have been a stepmom for over ten years and my Stepdaughter went through her "demon from hell" stage and then started acting fine. got a job met a nice guy settled down, my stepson on the other hand has always (i have known him since he was 6)been a nasty little person. he has stolen things from all kinds of places, is destructive, demanding, complaining, talks to his dad (and me though not as much) like he is garbage and actually told me that he thinks he is smarter than his dad and mom. we tried this program a few years ago and it did help us deal with him a bit better but really he is just as nasty as he has always been. we have tried to focus on the "good" but really its so hard to find and that just makes us sad. He just keeps telling his dad that if he loved him that he (his dad) would just let him do whatever he wants, come and go whenever he wants and give him all the things he wants. I don't think this is the way to deal with him but he tells his dad that it's all my fault that he cant get what he wants. he calls me names and destroys our stuff and then lies about it, even when he is caught in the lie he will still insist that he is not guilty of whatever it is. if he cant get what he wants while at our house he will go stay at his moms (raving lunatic drug addict- court says she cant have custody)where she will pretty much give him free reign until she gets tired of him and then drops him back to us. it a terrible circle and dont know what to do

Comment By : tiredstepmom

* To ‘tiredstepmom’: It sounds like you have been through a lot with your husband and stepchildren. As you and I both know, to love a child responsibly means to set limits. It sounds like your stepson certainly has a lot of faulty thinking. We recommend that you get together with your husband and choose one behavior to start with here—perhaps either the verbal abuse or destruction of your property as those seem to be the most harmful based on what you’ve described. Once you’ve chosen one thing, review Lesson 6 of the Total Transformation Program and have a discussion with your son following the steps and suggestions outlined in the lesson. In order to give you the soundest, most detailed advice, we need to know a little bit more about your relationship, how your stepson responds to you and your husband, and what you have tried in the past. I would encourage you to call the Parental Support Line and talk to one of the advisors. That phone number is included in your package material. We are open Monday through Friday, 9:00 AM to 10:00 PM, Eastern Standard Time. We look forward to hearing from you and being able to come up with solutions together.

Comment By : Sara Bean, M.Ed., Parental Support Advisor

I have a 14 year old daughter that I(her mother) and my husband(her step dad) fully raise. She goes to see her real dad about twice a year if that, she is always throwing her dad in our face when something dosent go her way. She does great in school and we have no issue at school with her. She is always back talking us when we ask her to do something, she treats her brother awful. She dosent give us any respect and lieing to us. When we try and explain things to her thats when she starts throwing her dad in our face. Again her dad dosent do anything for her at all but he is so great I have a really hard time with this. I 'm not sure how to handle this.

Comment By : Angel5202

* Hi Angel5202: It can be very frustrating when children try to use the other parent against you. While you might expect that she would offer you respect and gratitude for raising her and sacrificing, you are receiving the opposite. James Lehman talks about creating a culture of accountability in your home. What that means is that your daughter is responsible for her actions in your home, and is accountable to you; also that you are responsible and accountable to your daughter in your home. Everyone is responsible for their behavior, and everyone needs to follow the rules. In your situation, what that may look like is saying, “I know the rules are different at dad’s house, but in this house, we don’t swear at each other when it’s time to get off the computer” or “This isn’t about dad doing x for you; this is about you getting your chores done”. I am attaching some articles I think you might find helpful: Stop the Blame Game: How to Teach Your Child to Stop Making Excuses and Start Taking Responsibility & How to Create a Culture of Accountability in Your Home Good luck to you and your family as you continue to work through this.

Comment By : Rebecca Wolfenden, Parental Support Advisor

I am in a delima. I just found out today, 2 days before Christmas break: that my 17 yr old daughters grades are all in the F and D range. She has been professing to me all fall that they were good. In talking to her teachers she consistently does A+ work for days on end then just does NOTHING and misses all her assignments. This tells me she is perfectly capable of getting good grades but just isn't being responsible. I've been reading your program and I know what I need to do. Here is my delima though. It's only two days before Christmas break. (or it could apply to any special occasion). I want to tell her no electronics/friends/ or boyfriend/ car, till her grades are at C level minimum. I know though that it will take some time for her to fix this no matter how hard she works. So.... if I begin enforcing it now..... she will miss all of Christmas break, precious time with friends and chances for activities that may never come along again in her life (we live in the country and social time is rare). Do I stand hard and take my stand? If I do will it cause a lifetime of resentment? Or do I cave some and split the difference? Start when school starts back up? It's hard because my own parents were so strict I never had any social activities when I was a child and when I left home I went wild. I do not want that for my child. Where is that line between consequenses and unreasonable expectations? This is her last year at home and I am running out of time to teach her lessons of accountability. In the past I have just stood over her shoulder making her make things right. I see now how this was not fair to her in learning to take the responsibility of making it right on her own. Thank you for your advice

Comment By : confused

* To 'confused': It sounds like you are in a tough spot with your daughter right now: you want to hold her accountable for her poor grades, yet you want her to be able to spend time with friends and family over the holidays. If she is on school break, then she won’t have the opportunity to bring up her grades until she returns to school. We don’t recommend taking away things like vacations and special events as consequences, as once these things are gone, they cannot be earned back and are likely to cause resentment more than learning what to do differently. The more effective option is giving your daughter short-term rewards and consequences. What that might look like is each night she works on her homework for a certain amount of time, and then she can earn electronics for that night. You can keep up this structure until she brings her grades up to a C level. If she has missing assignments during the week, then her weekend doesn’t start until those are completed. I am attaching some articles you might find helpful: Homework Survival for Parents & End the Nightly Homework Struggle 5 Homework Strategies that Work for Kids. Good luck to you and your daughter as you continue to work through this.

Comment By : Rebecca Wolfenden, Parental Support Advisor

I agree with many things here, but as a teenager myself I have to say this; Yes you need school to get a good job and a good education, but nowadays most of the work they put into the schools has little practical use in real life. For instance, would your boss walk up to you and go "Hey mindless pawn what's the square root of 2653463.1? Answer right or you're FIRED!"? I think not. I'm not saying school isn't needed, but there is a lot of pointless work they give you among'st what you DO need to learn. I'm simply putting this out there that there is much flab that they put on you in school. I hope someone here can agree with any of my statements.

Comment By : Popnotes

I need help, I am feeling terrible inside and no one to talk to. I am a mother of three kids 6 yr. girl 17 yr. boy and 19 yr girl. My 19 yr daughter decided she wanted to go to college the day before the semester started, I was surprised. So with no money I buy the books $300.00 later I start to stress about her tuition. She quit her job in November to make me mad. So she has no job and I am working two, I pay $88 a month on her quick cash loans to keep her out of jail. But anyways I get her a third car in the last two years so she don't have to walk and I told her the rules that go with the car. Nobody drives it , it is to help you get to work or find work and get to school. So I put gas in for school. Everyday she looks at me in my face and tells me how she hates me and calls me every nasty name she can think of to my direct face. This hurts badly! Well she runs out of gas and calls demanding gas and I reminded her the rules of having the car she becomes angry and hangs up. Well she decides not to come home for three days and I catch a person driving my daughter car and she is walking. So I politely take the spare keys and take the car home from a house that it is parked at and daughter is walking to college. My daughter hates me and I feel guilty. What do I do ? Advice PLEASE! And in October I busted her with meth in my home I turned the drug over to the law.

Comment By : Bobbi

* To Bobbi: It is a really tough spot to be in when you set up boundaries for your children, and your daughter responds by continuing to test limits with you. It is natural that your daughter would not be happy with you for setting up boundaries and following through with them. That does not mean that you should not do this with her. We stand by your decision to follow through on your limits surrounding her use of the car. This makes her uncomfortable-and that’s OK! People tend to change their behavior when they feel uncomfortable, not when things are going well for them. While the way you have responded to your daughter and her behavior in the past may have made you feel frustrated, scared, and/or resentful, it has worked out well for your daughter. There are some other articles on this site that I think you might find useful which I am including:
My Child Is Using Drugs or Drinking Alcohol—What Should I Do?
Failure to Launch, Part 1: Why So Many Adult Kids Still Live with Their Parents
Failure to Launch, Part 2: How Adult Children Work the "Parent System"
Failure to Launch, Part 3: Six Steps to Help Your Adult Child Move Out
Good luck to you and your family as you continue to work through this with your daughter; we know this isn’t easy and we stand by you as you continue to make changes.

Comment By : Rebecca Wolfenden, Parental Support Advisor

Great stuff! I am having a really hard time getting my 15 son to follow the rules. I work 2 jobs and am forced to be gone "most" of the time. My wife and son have had many fights where I am called from work to try and "fix" over the phone. all of us have had anger management and have been taught skills to try to prevent ourselves from going to the next level, and getting violent. I can over power him If it ever came down to that, but I would really rather avoid any physical "solution". If he tells me no and refuses to do what I ask of him, what can I do? I have laid down rules for homework chores and curfew but he is starting to blatantly disobey me.

Comment By : Mr.Sire

* To Mr.Sire: It can be so frustrating when your teenager refuses to follow the rules. We encourage you to continue to avoid physical power struggles if at all possible, and to use the skills you have learned to prevent yourselves from getting violent with each other. As for getting your son to do chores, homework, and follow curfew, it can be really helpful to focus on what you can control, and what you cannot. We do not advise physically making your son do his chores or his homework, and ultimately, you cannot control whether your son decides to come home on time. You can only control yourself and your response to these actions. You have the power to hold him accountable for his choices. What that might look like is suspending a privilege until he complies with what you are asking (for example, not being able to play video games until his chores are done). I am including links to some articles you might find helpful: The Homework Battle: How to Get Children to Do Homework & Unmotivated Child? 6 Ways to Get Your Child Going. Good luck to you and your family as you continue to work through this.

Comment By : Rebecca Wolfenden, Parental Support Advisor

I have a 15 year old girl who just doesn't seem to want to pass to the 11th grade. She is taking two online courses right now to make up two of the three classes she did not pass last semester. Right now she has 6 F's out of 7 classes and has no desire in trying to make up the work she has not turned in. I check her classes every other day to see what work she hasn't turned in and then ask her why she didn't turn it in, only to get lies and excuses from why she didn't. I know they say what goes around comes around, but I never hit, pushed, kicked, or slapped my mom when I was her age like the way she does me. I'm to the point now that I don't care anymore if she passes the 10th grade or not. I've been worring about her all year long, I can't do it anymore if she's not going to help herself. I don't know what else to do?

Comment By : FED UP!!!

* To 'FED UP!!!': It is difficult, if not impossible, to make your daughter care about something that she does not care about. We encourage you to continue to follow up with her classes about missing work, and holding her accountable for that. We recommend doing some problem solving with her about her missing assignments, and using “what” questions instead of “why”. Phrasing your question as “What was going on for you when you decided not to do your assignment?” is different from “Why isn’t your homework done?” From her answer, you can then talk about what specifically she is going to do to ensure her assignments are completed and turned in, such as working on 3 missed assignments each night until she is caught up. Your power lies in the ability to hold her accountable by suspending a privilege until this is done. For example, you might hold on to her cell phone until she shows you that the assignments for that night are completed. Ultimately, it is up to her whether she passes her classes or not; however, you can help her by setting the structure and holding her accountable to that. I am including a link to an article I think you might find helpful: The Homework Battle: How to Get Children to Do Homework. Good luck to you and your family as you continue to work through this.

Comment By : Rebecca Wolfenden, Parental Support Advisor

* To ‘dazed and confused’: It’s so frustrating when kids refuse to cooperate with a consequence. However, it’s not necessary to increase the length of time. After all, we don’t want his lesson here to be how to live without his phone, we want his lesson to be that being late to classes comes with an unpleasant consequence. For future reference you might want to place a call to your cell phone service provider to see if there is a way you can control the service itself—this way he doesn’t need to hand you the phone, you can just call them or go on their website and suspend his access. Additionally, you could improve the effectiveness of the consequence even more by shortening it and allowing him the chance to earn the phone back by demonstrating that he can get to his classes on time—when he goes three days without being late for any classes, he can have his phone access again. This way, he’s practicing the behavior you want to see. It would also be very helpful for you to talk to him about what he can do differently to get to class on time. As far as the anger goes, James Lehman felt that focusing on your child’s feelings is not helpful. Focus on the behavior instead and remember it’s not uncommon for teens to appear irritable and moody. Good luck as you work through this. Take care.

Comment By : Sara Bean. M.Ed., Parental Support Advisor

Hey popnote, You are right I agree the schools should be teaching more life skill type classes, and also classes that are more relevant to the jobs that are actually out there. But school is much more then just the classes that you take. School is preparing you for real life and working. Getting up every day showing up on time (RELIABILITY). Listening to teachers doing the work that is given you (ACCOUNTABILITY). Doing well and taking pride in a job well done.(GOOD GRADES/GOOD WAGES) Learning to socialize, cooperating with others (TEAM PLAYER). These in essence are some of the most important skills you will learn to succeed in the working world. If you don't learn them by the time you get out of high school. It will just be that much harder down the line.

Comment By : justsaying

I have a 13 year old daughter that decided she wanted to live with her father. we divorced for reasons that we do not parent the same way AT ALL. She is now telling him ALL we ever do is fight and she needs space. I gave in to her wanting to stay there even though I feel like I have lost all control. Now its worse. when she sees me on the weekends if she does not get what she wants she threatens me with I Am going to dads. I tell her she is not and move on. BUT now she wants to have him take full custody. WE her dad and I have spoken about it all, but he does not see through it. SHE is lying and ripping my heart out. HELP

Comment By : marly

* Hi Marly. It sounds like you are in the middle of a really tough situation. It’s not uncommon for kids in divorce situations to gravitate toward the parent that parents in a way which the child perceives as being to his or her own advantage. For example, most kids will naturally want to live with the parent who has fewer rules, and who can blame them? That’s a natural response. It’s also not uncommon for kids to try to pit parents against each other, as your daughter seems to be doing here. What’s most effective in these types of situations is to focus on what you can control. You can’t control what your daughter says, but you can talk to her about what her reason is for telling dad those things and you can talk about what she can do differently instead. We call this problem solving. It sounds like you are handling your daughter’s threats to call her dad to come get her in a very calm way and then walking away, and that’s a very good move. Much like you can’t control what she says to him, you can’t make him see her behavior from your perspective. Again, try your best to focus on what you can control and keep your disagreements about parenting as private as possible. Good luck as you work through this. Take care.

Comment By : Sara Bean, M.Ed., Parental Support Advisor

my 15 year old daughter is very disrespectful and has no drive or desire to be a good person.i believe most of this comes from her best friend,whos parents dont discipline,and try to teach her right from wrong.all my daughter wants to do is hang out with this best friend and be like her.this best friend i know is a bad enfulance on my kid,all she wants is to be with this best friend all the time .she wants to spend any spare time with her.i feel like this best friend is bringing her down and teaching her poor habits,but she acts like she cannot live without this friend help please.thank you.

Comment By : the dad

* To “the dad”: What a difficult situation this is. I often hear similar stories from other parents. One thing you can do is limit the amount of free time available to your daughter; try to have them spend time at your house or at other times when you can supervise them. Try to put the focus on behavior, specifically your daughter’s behavior. If she makes a bad choice, hold her accountable for the choice regardless of whether or not she was influenced by her friend. Even if her friend’s parents don’t hold him or her accountable, you can still set up a culture of accountability for your daughter in your home. In other words, you decide what the rules and expectations are in your home. I am including a couple of articles I think may be useful to you here: Does Your Child Have "Toxic" Friends? 6 Ways to Deal with the Wrong Crowd & How to Create a Culture of Accountability in Your Home . Good luck as you and your family work through this challenge. Take care

Comment By : D. Rowden, Parental Support Advisor

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