“Because I said so!” What parent hasn’t said these words to their child in a moment of sheer exasperation? What you’re really saying is that you are the one in charge and you want the discussion to end. Of course, sometimes ending it abruptly is appropriate and sometimes it’s not. When this phrase is used in an offhand or sarcastic way, or in response to an initial question from your child, it’s much too abrupt. But despite what some people think, “Because I said so” is not necessarily a negative phrase—it all depends on when and how it is said.

Here’s an example of an ineffective way to use this phrase:

You: “Go clean your room.”
Your child: “I’m playing my video game. Why do I have to clean my room now?”
You: “Because I said so!”

Now, here’s an effective way to use it:

You: “Please go clean your room.”
Your child: “I want to play this video game first.”
You: “No, you need to clean your room first and then we’ll talk about video games later.”
Your child:  “Why can’t I play my video game now?”
You: “I just explained that to you.”
Your child: “But that’s not fair. Why do I have to clean my room now?”
You: “Because I said so.” Then, turn around and go do something else.

“Because I said so” is actually an appropriate phrase here. The key is to say it calmly after you’ve given a direction clearly and explained your reason once. After it’s said, just go do something else. Don’t allow yourself to be pulled into an argument with your child. If he or she still refuses to comply, you can start giving them consequences for their behavior. There’s no more discussion and no more arguments.

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Empowering Parents is a weekly newsletter, online magazine and blog published by Legacy Publishing Company. Our goal is to empower people who parent by providing useful problem-solving techniques to parents and children. The views expressed in the articles on Empowering Parents represent the opinions of the authors and the experts quoted therein. Unfortunately, it’s not possible for us to respond to every question posted after an article on our website. Empowering Parents encourages its readers to participate by weighing in with suggestions and advice. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com

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James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled children and teens for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit www.thetotaltransformation.com.