When our children refuse to do what we ask them, it can feel like we’re caught in a tug-of-war, with both sides pulling on the end of the rope as hard as they can, and neither side making much headway.
Parents often say things like “Don’t test me” when they think their child is resisting their authority or as a way to somehow sabotage the parent’s goal. Remember, you have to deal specifically with your child’s behavior and not his intentions. When parents say “Don’t test me,” the problem is that they’re taking their child’s behavior personally and see it as a personal challenge to the direction they’ve given.
Imagine a mother who says to her teenage son, “Go do your homework.”
The son says, “I don’t want to. Why can’t I finish watching this TV show? You never let me finish anything!”
The mother feels her anger rising because she senses that her authority is being challenged, and she shouts, “Go do your homework right now. And because you tested my authority, there’s no TV for the rest of the night.”
All this does is set her son up to come back at her with something like, “You’re mean! Why should I listen to you?”
There are two things that have to be examined here: The first is that your child may in fact challenge parental authority, but it doesn’t help if you see it as a personal attack upon you. When you personalize things, it makes it very hard to be objective about how best to respond to your child right now. In addition, a lot of times kids look like they’re testing you when really, what you’re seeing are poor organization skills, a short attention span or impulsivity.
Secondly, you’re teaching your child that not following your direction is somehow a power play. Believe me, the day will come when they want to get back at you or engage in a power struggle, and they’ll know exactly how to start that fight. Remember, children use power to achieve their intentions and goals, just like adults do. They’re just less sophisticated about it and have less access to power. Teaching them techniques that give them more access to that power— which they can use to challenge your authority— is not helpful.
We want to deal with our children’s behavior, so instead of responding to their power thrusts, use a directive statement targeting the task at hand.
Your child: “I don’t want to do my homework, I need to finish this game first, and besides, I’m hungry.”
You: “Go start your homework now. Don’t stop in the kitchen on your way to your room. If you want a snack, I’ll bring it to you.” Or, “I’ve explained this already, I’m not going to talk about it anymore,” and turn around and leave the room.
If your child doesn’t comply, give them consequences for their actions. The main thing is not to personalize things and rise to the bait of their power thrust.
I want to mention here that there are times when saying “Don’t test me” can be an appropriate remark. For example, when it's used as a reminder to the child that, “This resistance didn’t work for you last time, don’t try it again.”
You: “Go do your homework.”
Your Child: “I don’t want to. Why can’t I play video games?”
You: “Don’t test me. You know what happened last time.”
Often kids need a comment or remark that gets them over the hurdle of testing limits to help them go get started on a task or assignment. In those cases, the parent is not personalizing their child’s behavior, and “Don’t test me” is an appropriate comment.
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I feel this struggle almost nightly with my nine year old. I tell him to do something and he just plain out says 'no'. I am being challenged and its like he enjoys seeing me angry or getting bent out of shape. It turns into me telling him that if he doesn't then I will make him. He will then usually start saying things like 'you can't make me' or some other snide comment that he adds a smile to. I think he is then trying to turn it into a joke because he knows i'm getting pretty upset. He usually does do what I ask in the end but not until he gets me upset about it.
Comment By : stillhelms
I am a special education teacher and a single mother with an intense 9 year old boy. I find I'm more effective when I deal with my son's tendancy to talk back or ignore my instructions after dealing with kids with behavior issues all day long. By the time I get home, I can see what he's doing from a mile away and have no engagement energy left. I also have nothing left as far as contimplating if my request was reasonable. He will get a consequence if he doesn't follow a basic request. If I wasn't so tired, I'd rate myself as being too authoritarian, but my son winds up acting so much more well adjusted. He much more respectful to me. He still tests the limits but in a much more palatable manner...imagine this, he'll ask first if he's not sure!
I wish I could assert my authority in a more businesslike tone, but I wonder if my small size and higher pitch voice make it necessary for me to raise my voice and give the look...the look that will probably prevent me from ever having a date again. Not that I have time.
Comment By : SpEd Teacher and Mother
My problem is that my husband intervenes so that my daughter inevitably "wins" when dad countermands something I've said. Invariably this happens in front of her even though I've told him ad nauseum that it's counterproductive. Now, whenever I tell her to do something she doesn't want to do (or impose a consequence), she runs to him yelling "DADDY!!!" I've reached the point where I told him fine, you do mornings and homework. It's not a good situation for any of us and I feel powerless to change it. Maybe that's why I'm here!
Comment By : BJM
