Is your child failing in school? Maybe he started out full of enthusiasm, but now his grades are slipping, his attitude is bad and he seems to be falling through the cracks. If your child has hit a slump midway through the school year, you are not alone. James Lehman has some advice for you today on what you can do now to get your child back on track.
Your child might feel as if he’s fallen into a hole and doesn’t know how to climb back out.
Many kids lose steam by the time the middle of the school year arrives. It’s very common for children and teens to get back to school after the holidays and hit a slump. Remember, kids are kids: their attention span is short, they're impulsive and it can be difficult for them to focus. It's easy for children to lose energy, and when that happens, a kind of lethargy can set in.
If your child has a learning disability, or performance or behavior problems, this issue becomes magnified. Your child might feel as if he’s fallen into a hole and doesn’t know how to climb back out. (That hole can be caused by missed work, not understanding certain concepts at school, or social problems, among other things.) When your child is in that hole, it’s easy for him to become demoralized, act out more or withdraw emotionally. Often, he won’t ask for help even though he desperately needs it, and soon you’ll see his output start to slow down.
Although this can occur with any child, make no mistake, for kids with behavior problems or learning disabilities, this is a very serious challenge to their stability for the rest of the school year. As a parent, it’s very important for you to address the problem quickly and get your child back on track before he becomes completely derailed.
By the way, while grades usually go down in a gradual slide, if your child’s performance deteriorates suddenly, it’s important for you to realize that something major may be happening, whether it’s substance abuse, bullying, or an equally serious issue. If your child’s grades drop off suddenly, that's a signal to have him assessed by a professional.
My Child’s Attitude is Going Downhill—Along with His Grades
You should be very concerned if you notice your child’s attitude has changed for the worse along with his falling grades. When a child's attitude becomes bad, you can safely assume certain things may be going on:
- There may be a problem he's not talking about.
- He may be doing something that he doesn't want anyone to know about.
- He may be getting deeper into trouble without help.
Again, kids cannot climb out of that hole on their own—they simply don't know how. In fact, a lot of adults don’t either; people get themselves into emotional holes all the time in life. In my opinion, the idea that everyone should be able to pull themselves up by their bootstraps is misleading. Few indeed are equipped to do that—least of all, kids.
Falling through the Cracks Academically
Sometimes kids fall through the cracks at school because they’re having a hard time academically. Suddenly, the work becomes too challenging, and their classmates seem to pull ahead while they’re still trying to understand a certain concept. Their attitude may worsen because they really can't do the work. And it's easy to fall through the cracks nowadays—and by the way, those cracks are huge—because of tightening school budgets and other major problems schools are facing.
As a parent, you really need to have a good understanding of what your child is capable of doing. Remember, we want to challenge our kids but we don't want them to simply learn how to give up. If your child truly can't do the work, then your job is to get in there and challenge the teacher and the school to give your child work at his level—or get him placed in the right class. Parents should also be aware of those subjects, like algebra, where if you miss one core concept, you may be in trouble for the rest of the school year.
Try to be as objective as possible. I urge parents to be very, very careful when trying to accurately assess their child’s abilities. There's a concept called “learned helplessness”—where people learn that if they act helpless, somebody else will do it for them. Above all, we don't want to foster that response in our kids. Truly understanding what your child’s level is can be very tricky, which is why I recommend getting some outside help when you do it.
Here are some things I recommend parents do to get their kids back on track when they’re sinking under the waves at school:
Get an Assessment
If your child’s grades have fallen suddenly, the first thing I’d suggest is to have them assessed by a professional. If a kid's grades go from an “A” to a “D,” that usually doesn't happen in isolation. There will be other signs, red flags that will tell you that something's going on. You might notice that your child has stopped doing the sports that he used to love, or that he’s hanging around with different friends, for example. Start by taking your child to his pediatrician and getting a recommendation for a professional therapist to rule out substance abuse, depression, clinical anxiety or other factors that may be affecting his performance and outlook.
Helping Your Child Manage His Schoolwork
If you’ve noticed your child’s grades are suffering, it’s critical that you put more effort into helping him manage his homework. I know it’s not always easy—everyone is tired at the end of the day, and parents work hard and want to relax, too. Sometimes your child will act as if he doesn’t want you coming into his room, but check in anyway to see how things are going. Don’t assume he understands everything on his own, even if he tells you he’s fine.
Kids need structure and supervision, and they need somebody looking in on them who will hold them accountable. If your child’s grades start sliding, don’t let him do his homework in his room by himself with the door closed and the music on. That's simply got to stop. The door stays open, the music stays off, and you should be looking in on him every fifteen minutes or so. The goal is to keep him on track.
Talk to Your Child’s Teachers
Parents should be talking to teachers about the subjects and areas where their child is having problems. Schedule a time to meet and find out what's going on in class. In my experience, teachers can often be very helpful in telling you what they’ve observed.
Tell the teacher what you see at home, and then ask what they see happening in their classroom. Some questions for you to ask are:
- Has participation dropped off?
- Is my child sitting with different kids? Who is he hanging out with?
- Is my child just tired and bored, or is he overwhelmed by the work?
- Have you seen a change in his attitude or performance? And how would you describe that change?
If your child's grades start to fall in one specific subject, find out what extra help is available from the school. He should start to focus more on that subject in the evenings at home. Hold him accountable to do a certain amount of work. And work with his teachers, guidance counselors and the school as much as possible. The better your communication is with them, the more it will help your child.
Ask “What” Questions, Not “Why” Questions When You Talk with Your Child
I think it’s a good idea to sit down and have a talk with your child when you realize he’s struggling at school. You can say, “I notice that things are going downhill and I'm wondering what's going on.” Ask “what” questions, not “why” questions. “Why” questions invite your child to make excuses—to blame someone or something for his problems. “What” questions ask your child to report the facts. So it’s not, “Why are you doing poorly at school?” it’s, “What’s going on?”
You can also tell your child what you’ve observed: “I see your grades failing, I see you being more irritable. You don't want to get out of bed in the morning. You're getting detention for silly things in school, like talking out of turn. These are the things I'm seeing and I’m wondering what's going on.” If your child denies that anything is happening, say, “What are you going to do to improve your grades?” Listen to see if he has any ideas. By the way, you should already have a plan that says, “We're going to be checking on your homework more and we want you putting more time into it.”
Make the conversation with your child functional, not emotional. Too many parents get bogged down in emotionality. Kids do better when they keep their feelings out of it. After all, their emotions are volatile: they love you, they hate you; they're happy, they're angry. So you want to keep it on a functional level and ask, “What’s getting in the way of you doing your work? What's going on? And how are you going to change it?”
Giving Your Child Rewards for School Performance
I know families who let their kids do their homework in their rooms as long as they get a “B” or above. If their grades slip, they have to do their homework at the dining room table until they bring them up again. For some kids, that means they also have to do an extra hour of homework a night, but then they’re allowed to stay up half-an-hour later so they still get some free time. That’s part of their reward for doing the work.
When my son was in high school, I would tell him if he got all “A's” and “B's” I'd give him a cool reward. If he didn’t get the grades, he wouldn’t get anything. We didn’t make a big deal out of it, and we didn’t punish him if he wasn’t able to do it.
Remember, kids need to be rewarded; they need to be motivated. As parents, we're taking and we're giving; we’re demanding but we're supporting. It's like a sandwich: on top there's the pressure for your child to perform, and underneath there's support with rewards and extra help.
I also want to say that while rewards are helpful, the absence of rewards is not causing the problem. Rewards don't change behavior: learning problem-solving skills and being held accountable changes behavior. Having a concrete plan and sticking to it changes behavior.
When we talk about grades sliding and kids falling behind at school, it sounds simple but it’s a very complex thing—and something that parents struggle with every day all over the country. My wife and I wrestled with this issue as parents, and we both had Masters Degrees in Social Work and worked with kids for a living. My point is that it’s natural to wonder, “Are the demands too much for my child? Are they enough for him? Or are we taking it too easy on him?” In my opinion, parents who make it a priority to get involved—and then take steps to help their child—are doing them a huge service.
A final word: Kids are resilient. If you help your child and he’s able to get back on track and do the work, in all likelihood he’ll bounce back at school. I believe kids have strengths that aren't easily observable unless you know how to look for them. As a parent, you need to find that resiliency, find that strength in your child, and work with it.
What do you do for a child that just doesn't care? or gives up as soon as she fails in the very least? She is 15, depressed (clinically diagnosed with major depressive disorder), and struggles with grades. We are trying to come up with rewards (or incentives I should say), but finding it difficult. Sadly, she wants to go to college, but with her grades she will not be accepted into one. She is in the college prep program and refuses to go into the general classes. Do you let logical consequences occur and watch her future slip away?
Comment By : Stressbucket
I also don't know what to do for my son who is 17, uninterested in school, most likely will not graduate, but continues to plan to go to college. He doesn't look at anything realistically. I bought him a car just so I can use it as a motivation tool. It works for about 3 weeks at a time, and then I see him going right back to the same behavior. Always tired, irritable, lazy, lack of interest in most everything. He has previously been diagnosed as ADHD and Bi-Polar, but refuses to take any medications. He will soon be 18 and I feel I've lost him forever. I haven't been effective in helping him.
Comment By : Laurie
I also do not know what to do. My daughter is 15 and in independent study. She always waits until the night before everything is due, then stays up ALL NIGHT getting it done- then is a tired wreck the next day. If I try to follow the suggestions in here, checking in on her, etc. she yells at me that I am nagging her and drives the whole household crazy with a nice little rant. It's not even worth it to say anything - she doesn't do it anyway. I keep it up, though - I mean, I can't have her running the show, but everything is a battle around here. The work she does is getting her A's, but I am so tired of the hassle at home that goes into it. I tried giving her a schedule, but she is not realistic about her time management and didn't stick with it. Is there any hope that life will calm down, or is this my hell until she is out of school?
Comment By : peskybarb
* I'm sure you already have in-school supports - such as tutors or assistants - if your daughter qualifies for them. Once she has the educational support she needs, you might identify the skills she needs in order to improve her grades. For example, if she is getting poor grades because she is failing tests, work with her on improving her study skills, perhaps by doing practice tests at home. If she is getting poor grades because she is not getting homework done, set up a daily homework time, and let her know she has access to her privileges when the work is done (see
End the Nightly Homework Struggle for more ideas). And remember to focus on practical, every day study habits and skills, rather than lecture about the importance of her future. If she would like to go to college, believe in her - let her know you are there to help her practice the skills she needs to be successful.For more on helping kids with depression, please read James' series,
When Your Child's World Collapses: Kids & Depression Part I.
Comment By : Megan Devine, Parental Support Line Advisor
This is a very good article. I feel that I am on the right track, as I had already implemented most of your suggestions. Thanks for the re-assurance. I'm so glad that I signed up for this newsletter. You're helping so many families!
Comment By : Barbara
* Dear ‘peskybarb’:
James Lehman says that if kids are getting good grades, they have figured out how to successfully do their homework on their own. He would suggest that you allow her to continue to be in charge of her homework since she is getting “A”s. Instead of viewing it as her ‘running the show’, view it as having her be solely responsible for getting her work done. Give yourself permission to pull right out of this power struggle. It’s understandable to be concerned about her staying up all night but she is experiencing a ‘natural consequence’ for this because she’s tired the next day. When she gets sick of being tired, you can offer to help her with ideas to get better at time management. Give the Support Line a call. We’d be glad to go over more ideas on how to implement James Lehman’s program, the Total Transformation.
Comment By : Carole Banks, Parental Support Line Advisor
Dear Barbara: Thank you for your wonderful comments! Now that you've signed up for EP, you'll receive our newsletter every week with our articles, blog posts, podcasts and forum to help you with the tough issues, choices and behaviors parents face every day. On a personal note, I have to admit that hearing from the families we're helping is one of the very best things about being the Editor of Empowering Parents. Welcome--we're glad you're here.
Comment By : Elisabeth, EP Editor
My son is 14 with ADD. He had 2 As, 3 Bs, and 2 Cs on his mid year report card. Since then his grades fell to all Ds and Fs. Once I realized he was in trouble I met with one of his teachers. She said he was not putting forth the same effort he did. I asked if she had seen a change in his personality or his friends. I asked if she thought he was unhappy. She saw nothing. His grades are slowly coming back. He now has 2 Bs, 4 Cs and 1 F. He is retaking a test in the class with the F and that should be coming up. He is doing before and after school tutoring. We are trying to stay on top of his studying but I feel that I am on him all the time. I feel sorry for him sometimes. Am I doing all I should?
Comment By : emmadel
* Dear emmadel:
I appreciate the hard work you are doing to help your son improve his grades. You might ask him what he was doing differently in the first semester to keep his grades high. You might also ask his teacher to specify what not "putting in effort" means - is he not participating in class, or is he missing assignments? Once you know specifically what is not going well, you can work with your son on that specific issue. James would recommend that for the classes in which your son is doing well, you can leave him alone. For the classes in which he is not doing well, he needs to have a specific plan for improvement, and will need to show evidence of work completed for that class before he earns a privilege for that day. When his grades have come back up, you can back off again - until or unless you see evidence that his skills are slipping. For more on this issue, please see End the Nightly Homework Struggle, and Homework Survival for Parents. And for support around not over-helping your child, you might read www.empoweringparents.com/Are-You-a-Mother-or-a-Martyr.php
Comment By : Megan Devine, Parental Support Line Advisor
i have read all of your comments. our son is 14, we have had tutors, met with the teachers, therapy, put him in a afterschool learning center - and his grades fell from A/B's to C's. We have taken away priveledges, and he doesn't care. We are racking our heads over this. There is absolutely no motivation or desire to do well whatsoever! he is not depressed, nor has ADD or any other "disability". how do you motivate a person like this? should we remove ourselves from this and let him fail?
Comment By : upset and frazzled
* Dear upset and frazzled:
You ask a lot of good questions. The truth is, your son is motivated - he is just motivated to do what he wants, not what you want. In that, he is no different than most teens. Adolescents do not connect school performance with future success, and trying to get him to see the importance of homework is not an effective approach. Instead, set up a daily homework and study structure with him (please read End the Nightly Homework Struggle for details), letting him earn daily privileges when his daily work is done. Keep your consequences short term and connected specifically to the tasks he needs to do each school day in order to improve his grades. If he needs tutoring assistance, that should be part of his study plan. For more ideas, please read James' articles Motivating the Unmotivated Child, and Homework Survival for Parents, both in the EP archives.
Comment By : Megan Devine, Parental Support Line Advisor
