Every parent of an acting-out child knows that once your kid has a reputation for being a troublemaker at school, it’s very difficult to undo that label. That’s because your child becomes the label. When the teacher looks at your child, the teacher often just sees a troublemaker.
Sadly, it’s hard to change that image because even when your child tries harder, the label is reinforced when they slip up.
And then they’re really in trouble, because not only are they still a troublemaker—now they’re seen as a manipulator, too.
We all know that teachers and other adults (including us) assign labels to kids all the time. And we know that doing so doesn’t help the problem. Labels are unfair, subjective, and stick with a child even if that child manages to change for the better.
Nevertheless, school teachers, like all of us, label kids. And that’s not going to change. Make no mistake, teachers talk and are well aware of who the troublemakers are before they get to their class at the beginning of the year. After all, it’s part of their job to anticipate and plan for the behavioral issues they will be dealing with in their classroom.
I advise parents to be honest with themselves about their child’s behavior. Have an open mind about your child so that you can help the school improve your child’s behavior.
Part of what you have to do as a parent is distinguish between the label and your child’s style of functioning in school. In other words, if your child has been called a troublemaker, ask yourself what exactly that means. How do they make trouble? Do they speak out of turn in class? Are they easily distracted and bothersome to the students sitting next to them? Or are they disrespectful, threatening, or abusive?
It’s important to assert yourself as a parent and advocate for your child at school. But it’s just as important not to defend them when they’re in the wrong.
Understand that defending your child when they have behaved inappropriately will not help them develop appropriate behavior skills. So if your child is known as a school troublemaker and is disruptive and rude in class, you must acknowledge that.
Don’t forget, for many parents of kids with behavior problems, it’s easier to fight with the school than it is to change their child’s behavior. And when you fight with the school, you let your child off the hook instead of having him or her make needed changes.
Therefore, whenever possible, though it can be difficult, parents need to work in tandem with teachers and the school.
If your child is in danger of having the troublemaker label follow them from grade to grade, you’re probably wondering how to start them off on the right foot.
At the beginning of any school year, coach your child about the importance of first impressions. Let your child know how important the first couple of weeks of school are in terms of getting along in class and doing well in the eyes of the teacher. Tell them that presenting themselves as respectful and responsible will make a big difference for them. You can say to your child:
“Remember how we talked about what you would do differently in school this year to get along better? Well, one of the things we mentioned was that you should be polite to your teachers and not talk back. When you have the urge to talk back or be rude, what could you do differently?”
If parents have a problem with a teacher or the school, they should never discuss it in front of their child. Make no bones about it, if you undermine the teacher openly at home, it becomes almost impossible to get your child to behave appropriately with that teacher.
I understand that parents won’t always agree with their child’s teacher. In certain cases, I thought my son’s teachers had some rules that didn’t make sense. My wife and I talked about it and discussed it with the teacher, but my son never knew it. That was because we wanted to uphold the image of the school as an entity that has to be respected—and one in which our son knew he had to behave respectfully.
Don’t try to eliminate everything your child doesn’t like in life. Instead, help them manage things even when life isn’t fair. After all, there’s going to be injustice in school and life, and parents should explain that to their kids. I think it’s good to say to your child:
“That’s an injustice, and you’ll have to deal with it. Life isn’t always fair.”
Some things in life aren’t fair, and part of growing up is learning to deal with that fact. There is no such thing as a school where everything is fair, and there is no such thing as a workplace where everything is fair.
In my opinion, going to school is like having a job. You coach your child through their school career the same way you might give them advice when they start a profession. You can say:
“You have to learn to get along. There are going to be good people and bad people. There are going to be good times and bad times. There are going to be people who don’t like you and people you don’t like.”
When I worked with kids who didn’t get along with their teachers, I would say:
“Look, it’s your job to get along with your teacher, not your teacher’s job to get along with you.”
A teacher’s job is to be respectful of their students and to help them learn. It’s not their job to humor kids when they’re in a bad mood or when they act out. No workplace does that. So when your child complains about their teacher, I would say:
“Whether you work at a gas station or a law firm, your boss and co-workers won’t put up with that kind of behavior. You have to learn how to get along. That’s part of becoming a grown-up.”
We all know that some of the most important criteria for success at a job are: “How well does this person manage adversity? How well do they get along with people they don’t like? How do they deal with supervisors who are a pain in the neck?”
We’re all going to have that in life. So the idea is to give your child the skills to get along no matter who he or she is dealing with.
Let’s face it: every parent whose child acts out in class gets sick of hearing from the school—even if they know their child is legitimately a problem.
Many parents don’t want to hear from the school about their child’s behavior. Rather, they want the school to handle it. But, often, the school thinks parents should be more involved in dealing with inappropriate behavior.
So when should parents get involved? I think the answer to that is straightforward. In my opinion, it depends on whether the problem is functional or relational. Let me explain.
A functional problem is an inability to follow the rules consistently. Functional problems include being late for class, chewing gum, or running down the hall. I think schools should handle those problems. It’s their school, and they need to manage it. I do not think parents should give additional consequences at home for functional behavior problems.
But the whole game changes when it comes to relational problems. Relational problems are an inability to get along with others or an inability to respect the rights and property of others. Disrespect, threatening, verbal, and physical abuse are all relational problems.
If your child steals, if he’s physically abusive, if he’s threatening, if he gets into a fight, the parents need to hold him accountable and give consequences at home in addition to the consequences the school assigns.
If your child tells you, “I got detention because I was running in the hall,” the thing to ask them is:
“All right, so what are you going to do differently next time? What did you learn from this?”
Don’t give speeches. Rather, just ask simple questions that help your child clarify the situation. Don’t judge them and be as matter-of-fact as possible. Just shrug and say:
“Well, that’s life. You can’t run down the halls in school.”
And teach your child by simply saying:
“Look, you know what you’re doing. You made a choice. Now take your consequences and learn from them.”
And leave it at that—no long lectures. Just state the facts and allow them to bear the consequences of their choices to break the rules.
If your child has been caught destroying property, speaking rudely or obscenely, or hurting someone at school, as a parent, you need to deal with that very strongly. Find out the facts and then let your child know very clearly that there are consequences at home for that kind of behavior in school. And the first consequence is:
“I’m not going to defend you—I’m not going to fight with the school to protect you. You need to pay the price for your actions.”
And then give a consequence in addition to their school’s consequence. For example, if your child has a fight in school and they’re suspended, I recommend no electronics for the length of the suspension. They should not be suspended from school and then be allowed to goof off and relax at home all day.
Make the suspension unpleasant for them. If it’s not unpleasant, it’s not going to shape their behavior. The whole theory behind a consequence is that the unpleasant memory of it will shape the person’s behavior next time. So don’t undermine the school’s consequences by making the suspension a week of play and vacation for your child.
Again, one of the things parents have to avoid is shielding their child from consequences. You’re making a big mistake if your child destroys property or assaults someone at school, and you do everything you can to protect them so that they don’t have to face the consequences.
I think it’s okay to support your child while they deal with consequences—I would. But the more you shield them from consequences, the less likely their behavior will change. Let’s face it, people don’t change until there’s pressure to change. And unfortunately, that pressure often comes from negative consequences, whether it’s a ticket for speeding or a suspension for being physically aggressive in school.
As adults, we understand that people get tickets all the time for speeding. You may not like getting a ticket. And you may not think it’s fair that you were singled out. But the bottom line is that the ticket makes you look at your behavior and change it.
When a child gets in serious trouble at school, many parents become worried that it will go on their permanent record. Is that a legitimate worry for a parent? Yes. But you don’t soothe those worries by sweeping the problem under the rug.
Let me be clear: if your child assaults someone at school and doesn’t get a record now, they’re going to get a worse one later—that’s all there is to it.
I recommend that you tell your child’s teacher how you deal with their behavior at home. If your child has a history of behavior problems, meet with their teacher early on in the year and say:
“We know that Jake can be disruptive. This is how we deal with it at home. And if there’s any way we can help you, please let us know.”
Certainly, you should tell a teacher what works and what doesn’t work at home. This doesn’t mean you’re limiting them. Instead, you’re helping them be more effective with your child’s behavior in the classroom.
So if you have specific techniques you use, share them. An example might be:
“We find Jake does his homework better when his door is open, or he’s sitting at the dining room table. So he might do better in school if you have him sit close to your desk.”
“We find Jake does better at home when we get him started. So if you could take a minute to get him going on the assignment, it might work out better.”
Be sure to ask your child’s teacher how you can be helpful. Be open to what they say—they might have some great ideas. Ask the teacher:
“What can we do at home to help support you at school?”
Parents and teachers should be on the same team. But too often, they’re not. There was a time when teachers and parents worked together—when if the teacher called a parent, the parent genuinely worked on changing their child’s behavior. Kids were held accountable at home, and their behavior was better at school. Nonsense just wasn’t tolerated the way it is today.
Things are different now. Too often, parents blame teachers, and teachers blame parents. And children are in the middle and often get away with their inappropriate behavior by playing their teachers and parents off one another. Kids can be highly manipulative in this respect. A misbehaving child doesn’t want the parent and teacher on the same team.
I think the parent’s attitude should be, “How can we help the teacher do their job? What can we do at home?”
Similarly, the teacher’s attitude should be, “In what areas do I need the parents’ support, and what is my responsibility? How can we work together to get this child on track?”
I’ve heard a lot of stories about bad teachers. I’ve met one or two myself. But, by and large, I believe most teachers are trying their best. And if you have an issue with a teacher, I recommend you go to that teacher and talk about it. And if that doesn’t work, set up a meeting with an administrator.
Just realize that the more adversarial your relationship with the school, the more your child’s behavior will go unchecked. And the more the troublemaker label is going to stick. And that’s not good for your child. Don’t forget, when parents and teachers fight, nobody wins. And the result is that your child doesn’t feel they have to change their behavior.
The bottom line: support your school if your child has a discipline problem. That is what is best for your child. It may not feel best for your ego, but that is what’s best for your child. Is this a lot of work? Yes, it is. But I think parents need to try to find the time to do it.
I know that sometimes I expect a lot from parents. But kids need a lot of parenting nowadays. And often, that means working with your child’s school.
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Empowering Parents Podcast: Apple, Spotify, Google, Stitcher
James Lehman, who dedicated his life to behaviorally troubled youth, created The Total Transformation®, The Complete Guide to Consequences™, Getting Through To Your Child™, and Two Parents One Plan™, from a place of professional and personal experience. Having had severe behavioral problems himself as a child, he was inspired to focus on behavioral management professionally. Together with his wife, Janet Lehman, he developed an approach to managing children and teens that challenges them to solve their own problems without hiding behind disrespectful, obnoxious or abusive behavior. Empowering Parents now brings this insightful and impactful program directly to homes around the globe.
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My son is an 8th grader. However, he is 6’1. He recently started a smaller charter school after his middle school was closed down.
From day one, he seems to always be in the office. I’ve grounded him, taken away his phone, endless evenings of really coming down on him. I’m exhausted with the calls and e-mails from the school.
I’ve always tried to back the teachers up, never defend my son if he was in the wrong.
Lately, I am starting to feel as if he is being targeted as the trouble maker because he stands out the most.
Each report I receive always begins with “another student” Another student made a comment and my son laughed. Your son and “other students were laughing at the table” But the other students were not called to the office.
His principal has told me on multiple occasions the other students look up to your son, he is a leader so he should act like one.
What if my son wants to be just what he is, another student? They behave as if he is a 17 yr old brother of all the other students because he’s the tallest kid in the school. He is 14. He told me one day he doesn’t understand why the teachers and coaches “talk mean like he’s an adult” but talk differently to the other students. I didn’t know what he meant at the time. But I’m starting to feel like I do now.
I should also mention that he has never bullied anyone. He’s always been self conscious about his size.
The calls from the teachers are now coming every day or every other day. It’s always, he was talking or he was laughing, he was being disrespectful. I asked him about being disrespectful he told me the teachers talk differently to him. One of them went as far as to say” God damn it”
to him and storm off. He says whenever he’s laughing are something the rest of the students are, two of teachers slam things around when they talk to him and talk through their teeth. I feel they are talking to him like he’s an adult.
Am I being a bad parent by feeling something may be amiss here? I do know when he is wrong he’s wrong. But this is happening every day now. He was in tears today. He's been depressed lately. He doesn’t want to go to school. He said he feels he isn’t wanted there and doesn’t understand why he gets treated differently.
I want to support him and the teachers. Am I being too defensive about of him?
Thank you for reaching out to EmpoweringParents.com. Our main focus is children over the age of 5 because they usually have developed enough that our concepts will work with them. We have a few articles about younger children you may find helpful,
https://www.empoweringparents.com/article-categories/ages-and-stages/younger-children/. You may also find it helpful to speak with your daughter's pediatrician about her behavior to see if further assessment/evaluation would be beneficial. We appreciate you reaching out and wish you all the best moving forward. Take care.
My son, almost 15, an A student, has always been respectful towards teachers. Occasionally, he comes upon one that he is like oil mixing with water. He likes upbeat, positive people. If they are seemingly mundane and unhappy, he responds to that energy in the same manner.
Lately he has hit quite a rebellious stage. His grades in 2 subjects- failing or barely passing. Freshmen year is off to a really bad start
I've received 2 emails from his Algebra teacher alerting me that he is being inattentive, talking in class and impeding his progress as well as others. He's in mostly honors classes, but math, not being his strong subject- he is in with some kids who really just don't take school seriously and goof around. He joind in. He's been easily distracted and the teacher is concerned with his behavior.
I've tried numerous things. First we implemented a 9pm turn in of phones and technology. Then no phones during school week, then no phone at all (service turned off) no sleepovers. Spoke to him calmly and told him he's much better than to be disrespectful and failing. As this marking period comes to an end, I wrote him a letter. After reading a blog by a woman in a similar situation who decided to let her child fail, told him that it was his choice and he would own the consequences.
I told him I was not going to nag him, that he knew what he had to do which involved managing his time and schoolwork. I returned his phone and xbox. Here you go. I suggested he research the schools policy on graduation requirements and that summer school is on the agenda for failing Algebra. He said he'd do better. It's been 2 weeks and his grades are all over the place. Zeros and hundreds. 30's and 85's. I've never received a negative email in his 10 years of school from any teacher. Always raving, positive comments and remarks on his maturity and intelligence ..and how nice he is.
I do not want to blame the teacher and want to work with her to remedy this. But without knowing his history of NOT being a troublemaker, it's hard to explain I've never had this problem without seeming like a pushover or making excuses. I don't know what my next step is going to be. I thought of contacting the asst principal whom I know and like just to seek his help and to get him on board. Then I think I shouldn't bring attention to my son in case this is just a phase for fear of his being labeled. I'm so disgusted, frustrated and feel like a failure unsure if letting him deal with failure is the right thing to do. I've always advocated for him and cutting the cord to the harsh reality that this might be a life lesson, or not, is what is most disconcerting. Anyone have any advice?
I hear you.It can be very difficult
when your child starts to become disrespectful to others at school.I’m glad
that you have discussed these actions with him at home, and have had him write
sentences and letters of apology.As
James points out in the article above, it’s also going to be helpful to problem
solve with your son, and discuss what he can do differently next time.Sara Bean outlines how to have a problem
solving conversation with your child in her article, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/the-surprising-reason-for-bad-child-behavior-i-cant-solve-problems/.Please let us know if you have additional
questions; take care.