“My 14-year-old son is late for everything. It’s always, “In a minute,” or “I’m almost ready.” He’s not a bad kid, but he just doesn’t seem to understand that there are people waiting for him. The last straw was when he made us miss the beginning of our daughter’s high school play recently, even though he had hours
to get ready. What can we do to make him get with the program?”
It’s part of the nature of childhood and adolescence to be disorganized, and one of the consequences is that you’ll see kids who are late a lot. Remember, we’re dealing with a thing called childhood, and let’s face it, part of growing up and maturing is learning how to organize yourself and your life in a way that fits in with the world. Think of it this way: when our children are young, they have nothing to do but play, go to school, do their chores and get their homework done. But as they grow and develop, kids need to learn how to take more responsibility to be organized and on time.
I do want to be clear here about something: parents have to be very careful about being excessively rigid with their children about time. Keep in mind that kids are highly distractible by nature and the development of the neurological system takes a long time. The rate of maturity isn’t the same for every child: some kids dawdle at three, some at five, some at eight years of age. And some might be more prone to dawdling than others because their brains haven’t matured yet, or because of other factors, like ADHD or ADD.
If your child is chronically late, a host of different reasons might be behind their seeming lack of motivation to get ready. It might be because they’re not committed to their schedules or to the activity they’re supposed to be doing next. Or they’re trying to avoid something they don’t like or that’s anxiety-provoking for them, like an exam at school. And sometimes they’re simply not yet able to organize themselves in a way that will help them get ready quickly and easily. Parents have to take these things into consideration when figuring out how to best manage their individual child’s schedule. For instance, if your child doesn’t seem to be able to get it together for soccer practice after school, you need to sit down and help him figure out what’s realistic and what’s got to happen—what his specific responsibilities are—in order to leave the house at 3:15 and be on time.
5 Ways to Get Your Child Moving and on Time
If your child is chronically late because he’s not taking responsibility for his schedule, I think there are a couple of simple things you can do to help him learn how to be on time more consistently.
- State your expectations and let your child face the consequences of their lateness. You can say, “We leave the house at eight a.m. If you’re not ready, I’m going, and you can walk to school.” For kids who are older, this is the perfect thing. You may think they’re not going to go to school, but believe me, most kids want to be there; they’re just feeling disorganized and perhaps they don’t want to face the academics that they have to deal with that day. If you have a child who’s chronically late for school, leave them home, let them take the bus. Or let them miss the bus and walk to school.
- Don’t excuse their lateness: If your child is tardy or misses school because he or she is not taking the responsibility to get ready and get there on time, don’t give them an excused absence. Don’t write them a note. Tell the school what happened and let your child pay the consequences for their lateness.
- Use an alarm clock from an early age. Put an alarm clock in your child’s room from an early age. This will teach them that they have the responsibility to wake up and follow a schedule. By the way, I think it’s easier if it’s introduced when someone’s really young—it’s part of the message to kids that they have to learn how to organize their lives as they grow.
- Make them pay for their lateness—literally. Another thing you can do, especially with younger kids, is to charge them for their lateness. So tell them, “For every minute we have to wait for you, you’re losing five minutes of video game time.” For older kids, it might be five minutes of cell phone time. And if you have to, make it ten minutes. This is effective because now, when your child makes other people late, there’s some cost to them also. They feel it a little more.
- Let your child miss practice. It’s okay to let kids miss practices. If your child can’t get ready on time, he misses practice. If he misses practice once or twice, he won’t miss them anymore, and if his coach doesn’t like it, he can sit on the back bench for a while until he becomes better at organizing his schedule.
The important thing is to hold your child responsible in some measurable way. As kids get older, you really have to be very strong about these things, because later on in life when they’re employed or in college—when nobody’s keeping score or nagging them—they’re going to pay. If they haven’t internalized the need to follow a schedule and to respect the kind of structure it gives their life, there’s a greater likelihood that they’re going to fall behind and not meet their responsibilities.
If you’re playing the odds, hold your child accountable now. Help them develop that structure today so that later on in life, it’s just a natural part of their daily functioning.
This is a great article. I have been trying to deal with this issue for a long time now. My 10 year old has been 1-2 hours late for school everyday for the last 2 years. I have tried everything under the sun to get this child to get up and get to school on time. I really don't like reward systems, when it is something they should be doing anyway, but I have tried them, it hasn't worked. She has been grounded from everything, she doesn't care. I have lost jobs, due to her being late, because if I leave her at home to walk to school she never makes it out the door. With 30 school days left until Christmas, I told her I would buy her 30 xmas presents. Everyday she is late she loses one, that's not working, she doesn't care. I had a CORE eval done at school, she is in 5th grade now, but scored 7th grade level for math skills, and 11.8 grade level for reading comp skills, the only thing the eval explained is why she's still and A,B student having missed so much school. Because she has already lost all priveleges at home I asked the school to help, by punishing her at school. They have my permission to keep her after school, I asked that they not make it fun though. If there is no one to teach her what she has missed then make her work, I thought having to scrub desks or chalkboards after school might just make her want to be on time.To date they have done nothing, aside from taking me to court for failure to send. I tried to explain that the work is too easy, and maybe if they gave her a challenge she would be more eager to come to school. I live in a "no child left behind" state, the curriculum is geared to the "lower" level students, mid level can tollerate it, but the higher level is being left in the dust.The school refuses to have extra classes or make more difficult lessons for the "top" tier. The gifted program was axed in the budget cuts.
Any ideas? I'll check back and see maybe other parents have some good ideas as well.
Comment By : fedexair06
James,
My teenage son is quite frankly very honorable to his parents and correction so far is usually successful in many ways. However, on this issue, he truly does have a problem sound sleep and has never really been able a to wake-up on his own. When we've had to leave him and depend on this to happen, no one is really confident that he'll hear the alarm and respond to it! We usually have to make calls etc and start early for him. I've always felt badly that some wife some day will probably NOT have a partner who can awaken himself and get going! Got anymore suggestions????
Comment By : parent of a deep sleeper!
fedexair06: I would check into other schools in your area. We have an ALPS school here. (accelerated learning program school) Even if you have to drive her there.
Comment By : wisconsingirl
To parent of a deep sleeper: there are vibrating alarm clocks available (and how about a cell phone?) that you can have him put on his underwear: vibration works for alot of deep sleepers.
To: Fedexair06: what about clothes on your back or in a sack? As you shove her out the door, or at least drop her off at the school office on time. If she doesn't care about being in PJs in school, at least you've saved your job! (let's talk about priorities, ok?)
I was bored stiff in elem school, but was able to do a project or read a book once I was finished with my work. The school should be willing to do that; the key is when she finishes the work. If you need more help, talk with the principal, or the county school supervisor (the principal's boss) if you don't get a response.
Comment By : Been there
My daughter is 16 and has OCD. When I saw this article, I knew I had to read it immediately, as lateness is something I deal with daily, usually more than once. Anytime we go ANYWHERE, it is a struggle due to her needing to complete her rituals - the things she feels she HAS to do before she can go out the door. She had her first p.t. job this past summer and was usually 10 min or so late every time she worked. Unfortunately they were too lenient and did not punish her.
I told her that is not reality - anywhere else she probably would hae lost her job. Due to my pushing in the morning, she usually is on time to school, but just in the nick of time. I deal with so much frustration because I know, in a few short years, I won't be there to push anymore. She HAS to learn to be on time. I struggle with drawing the line between punishing her and being sympathetic because she does have a genuine problem (she is on medication and going to therapy regularly, and there has been SLOW progress in many areas, but not really in the area of being on time). Anyone else deal with something like this? I would appreciate any suggestions. I do not cover for her or make excuses.
Comment By : OCD Mom
Great article but I need more help. I have an 11 yr old boy in his first year at middle school. He has blended issues which no one can yet define. He's had an alarm for years and gets up ok, but wastes time at every opportunity. It takes over 2 hours to get out the door. His average number of late days is around 50 or so in a year. The consequences if he's late is he has to run, not walk, and I escort him to class. I drive alongside to be sure he gets there. He hates school and peers so much, a horrible day with me at work is better than a good day at school. He almost bolted from the building yesterday and runs from the SEA. Getting him out on time is torture for me. He doesn't have video games, a cell phone, or a computer and his room has been stripped of most toys since July and now it's November. He's not materialistic and doesn't care. He's usually on time for hockey, but again, consequences are short lived. Missing practice and being extra late for a game didn't even help. I told him it was my turn to waste time and made him sit for the amount of time he wasted. He got angry and cried, but again, short lived. It only lasts about a week and he falls into the same patterns again no matter how much I punish the behaviour. Maybe for more regular kids it would work, but mine only cares in the moment. Time-out for him is down time, he gets lost in his own world and could sit for hours happily. The school has no consequences because again, he doesn't care and if anything he gets spiteful and runs away. Rewards don't work since he doesn't care. He's smart but after 3 months he's completed no work, even on an adjusted program. Oddly enough the only thing he cares about is working with a girl who has down syndrome and autism, I assume because she is unbiased and he feels needed. I can't leave him alone either. At home he would just stay and watch TV. If I leave him to walk on his own without knowing I'm following, he goes to the park. He's even late after school sometimes, playing along the way or going to kids houses and not phoning. I'm at work so I'm stuck and I know the teachers/cousellors/SEA/support worker/resource worker/vice and principal all don't know what to do.
Comment By : Tired of Trouble, single parent BC
What do you do when the child plays with the alarm clock?
Comment By : LuigiNm
For tired of trouble. Look into the Buddies program. If your son likes to work with this special needs girl try promoting that. The programs link kid's to help specail needs kids and provide them a social outlet as well. My son is Autistic and he loves "hanging out" with his buddie. The program is run through the school and requires good grades and attendance to participate. May be just the motivation he needs. Good luck and God bless.
Comment By : Dad in FL
I can sympathize with you all. My 13 year old son with ADHD makes mornings living HELL! we have now started seeing a counselor who is trying to work with us and him, but he says one thing in the sessions and doesn't follow up at home. I can't make him get his things ready at night (which is the new rule) other than by yelling. It's exhausting! and you are right, he does not care. Normally, if you wake up late, you rush around, throw on your clothes, grab something to eat in the car and go. But he will sit there, make 1 or 2 bagels for breakfast, forget where is book bag is, put his shoes on before his pants and totally not care if he gets there late. We already leave at certain time and make him get there on his bike. He's grounded, no TV, games - whatever. I now have talked to school to give him an "off the record" detention for being late, since they do nothing official for it. I also am going to suggest they threaten to hold him back or make him go to summer school for any most tardies. i don't know if it will work, but I feel I have to do something that will make him snap out of this. He just DOES NOT CARE about consequences.
Comment By : Mom of 1
To Tired of Trouble - I understand when you say mornings are "torture" because I experience that, too only under a different set of circumstances. I am also a single mom and dealing with this alone, so there I can relate, too. I'm wondering if your son has been evaluated by a mental health professional, as it sounds like he could be suffering from something other than just stubborness and/or uncooperativeness....?? I wonder if therapy/counseling might help get to the root of his issues with school? Best wishes to you and your son. It is a hard road, especially as a single parent, but we can't give up on them. Be sure to take care of yourself, too, because I know firsthand how you can get so wrapped up in your child's problems that you neglect yourself.
Comment By : OCD Mom
I don't know if this is the 'politically correct' way of dealing with a chronically late elementary student or not, but it worked for me!
Five minutes before we were scheduled to leave for school, I calmly got dressed in my bathrob and slippers,put foam curlers in my hair and cold cream on my face. I told my child I would be walking her into the office dressed like this. And if she was late again, I would be walking her to her class dressed like this next time. She was mortified as I walked her into the school that day. After she went to class the staff and I shared a chuckle over my attire. And best of all the stunt worked, she was never late to school again.
Comment By : My Solution
I am a special education teacher and would like to comment on the article. The advice given is good when used with some children but not all. Some children will respond positively with these reality consequences and elicit the desired behavior (being responsible and independent by getting to school, etc. on time.) Other's with various physical and or mental, and or nuerological conditions will continue to be late. Parents should try and be consistent and give their children the opportunity to be responsilble before giving up.
Parents might want to get their child tested for MD with a simple blood test to see if this is impeding their ability to wake up from a deep sleep. It is very difficult for parents and children with sleep and waking disorders. You can rule out these concerns by following a "waking plan" to see what works.
Comment By : Sp.Ed.Teacher
My son, 16 ,ADHD, ODD, LD has had difficulty since the second grade. I, too, have got into trouble for being late for work ( I used to teach at the same school he went to) I forced him to walk, take the bus, go in his pj's, grounded, took away things, locked him out of his bedroom (no access to his belongings) for 4 months. Nothing worked. Finally after numerous community and provincial organizations working with us as a family, we got him to a GOOD psychiatrist who has diagnosed him with transitional anxiety which is the inability to transition from one thing/task/location to another without stressing. This is a real mental health issue. We have noticed some ritual behaviours since them, but the diagnosis does not solve the problem. He promises everyone (psych. included) he'll try to get to school but no success. He is now sleeping in until 1:00 - 2:00 daily. Our frustration level is peaking. His frustration level is beyond the scale. Police have been called. Schools have been involved minimally and are frustrated, too. All we can do is leave him at this point until he figures it out, I guess. Anyone out there with other ideas/suggestions/help? Anyway, keep hanging in there.
Comment By : everyone's frustrated!
The idea in the article is sound, but many school districts are so dependent on attendance figures to secure state funding, that (like the first post by fedexair06 says) the courts get involved. The school may send the child to detention for awhile, then the parent is summoned to court like a criminal. My son was constantly late in 5th grade, no matter what I did. In elementary school, detention is non existent. A police officer came to my door with a court summons, I had to take off work to appear and be questioned by a judge asking why I couldn't get him to school on time! I begged forgiveness, citing medical reasons (his, mine, anybody's!!!) and got 6 months "probation." Court costs were about $150. It was an eye opener to sit in court and watch parents with other older kids throw up their hands after 4-5 times before the judge. One lady said she was out of ideas and gave them permission to haul her two sullen teen daughters off to juvenile detention for the day. No telling how much that cost her in fines!
Comment By : lolahowle
