Are you trapped in a nightly homework struggle with your child? The list of excuses can seem endless: “I don’t have any homework today.” “My teacher never looks at my homework anyway.” “That assignment was optional.” “I did it at school.” If only your child could be that creative with their actual homework, getting good grades would be no problem!
Pre-teens and teens often insist they have no homework even when they do, or tell parents that they’ve completed their assignments at school when they haven’t. If your child’s grades are acceptable and you receive positive reports from their teachers, congratulations – your child is doing just fine. James Lehman advises that students who are doing well have earned the privilege of doing their homework whenever and however they see fit. But if their grades reflect missing assignments, or your child’s teachers tell you that they’re falling behind, you need to institute some new homework practices in your household. For those classes in which your child is doing poorly, they lose the privilege of doing homework in an unstructured way. For the classes they are doing well in, they can continue to do that homework on their own.
Trying to convince your child that grades are important can be a losing battle. You can’t make your child take school as seriously as you do; the truth is, they don’t typically think that way. Remember, as James says, it’s not that they aren’t motivated, it’s that they’re motivated to do what they want to do. In order to get your child to do their homework, you have to focus on their behavior, not their motivation. So instead of giving them a lecture, focus on their behavior and their homework skills. Let them know that completing homework and getting passing grades are not optional.
If you’re facing the rest of the school year with dread and irritation, you’re not alone. By following the tips below, you can improve your child’s homework skills and reduce your frustration!
5 Strategies to Get Homework Back On Track
Schedule Daily Homework Time
If your child often says they have no homework but their grades are poor, they may not be telling you accurate information, they may have completely tuned out their teacher’s instructions, or need to improve some other organizations skills, for example. The Total Transformation Program recommends that whether your child has homework or not, create a mandatory homework time each school day for those classes in which you child is doing poorly.
Use the “10-Minute Rule" formulated by the National PTA and the National Education Association, which recommends that kids should be doing about 10 minutes of homework per night per grade level. In other words, 10 minutes for first-graders, 20 for second-graders and so forth.
It will be most effective if you choose the same time every day. For example, you might schedule homework time for the classes that your child is doing poorly in to begin at 4:00 p.m. every school day. If your child says they have no homework in those subjects, then they can spend that time reading ahead in their textbooks, making up missed work, working on extra credit projects, or studying for tests. If they say “I forgot my books at school,” have them read a book related to one of their subjects. By making study time a priority, you will sidestep all those excuses and claims of “no homework today.” If your child has to spend a few days doing “busy work” during the daily homework time, you may even find that they bring home more actual assignments!
Use a Public Space
It’s important to monitor your child’s homework time. For families where both parents work, you may need to schedule it in the evening. In many instances it may be more productive to have your child do their homework in a public space. That means the living room or the kitchen, or some place equally public where you can easily check in on them. Let them know they can ask for help if they need it, but allow them to do their own work. If your child would like to do his or her homework in their room, let them know that they can earn that privilege back when they have pulled up the grades in the subjects in which they are doing poorly.
Use Daily Incentives
Let your child know that they will have access to privileges when they have completed their homework. For example, you might say, “Once you’ve completed your homework time, you are free to use your electronics or see your friends.” Be clear with your child about the consequences for refusing to study, or for putting their work off until later. According to James Lehman, consequences should be short term, and should fit the “crime.” You might say, “If you choose not to study during the scheduled time, you will lose your electronics for the night. Tomorrow, you’ll get another chance to use them.” The next day, your child gets to try again – observing her homework time and earning her privileges. Don’t take away privileges for more than a day, as your child will have no incentive to do better the next time.
Work towards Something Bigger
Remember, kids don’t place as much importance on schoolwork as you do. As you focus on their behavior, not their motivation, you should begin to see some improvement in their homework skills. You can use your child’s motivation to your advantage if they have something they’d like to earn. For example, if your child would like to get his driver’s permit, you might encourage him to earn that privilege by showing you he can complete his homework appropriately. You might say, “In order to feel comfortable letting you drive, I need to see that you can follow rules, even when you don’t agree with them. When you can show me that you can complete your homework appropriately, I’d be happy to sit down and talk with you about getting your permit.” If your child starts complaining about the homework rule, you can say, “I know you want to get that driver’s permit. You need to show me you can follow a simple rule before I’ll even talk to you about it. Get going on that homework.” By doing this, you sidestep all the arguments around both the homework and the permit.
Skills + Practice = Success
Tying homework compliance with your child’s desires isn’t about having your child jump through hoops in order to get something they want. It’s not even about making them take something seriously, when they don’t see it that way. It’s about helping your child learn the skills they need to live life successfully. All of us need to learn how to complete things we don’t want to do. We all have occasions where we have to follow a rule, even when we disagree with it. When you create mandatory, daily homework time, you help your child practice these skills. When you tie that homework time to daily, practical incentives, you encourage your child to succeed.
If you are a Total Transformation customer, you can access our Support Line for help with these and other challenges you’re experiencing with your child. Support Line specialists have helped hundreds of parents customize homework plans, and we can help you, too. Specialists can also work with you to formulate realistic, appropriate consequences to help enforce the daily routine.
While I agree that this is the best course of action it doesn't work for all children. It all sounds fine in theory. However there are some children who will sit down & stare at the cieling in a defiant manner to prove their point. First hand experiance shows my son gave up a racing career and didn't get his drivers license until he was out on his own at 18.
Comment By : Pormi
I have instituted a one hour study session with my son every night. At 15 he is failing all his classes because he refuses to do the work. If he does not do the one hour of work he gives up his cell phone until the next study session has been completed (I just call our provider and have it turned off to avoid the fight to get it from him). I email his teachers and counselors every week to know what work needs to be done and his teachers now email me on a more frequent basis to let me know when there is a test, etc. so I can have him study. This is working for us right now. I guess we are lucky he values his cell phone as much as he does and that his teachers are so receptive. Unfortunately, he still sleeps in class and refuses to engage in class work. I guess one step at a time......
Comment By : deb
I have a different problem. My older daughter (11) will stretch out homework assignments for the entire evening. I suspect she's trying to get out of playing with her younger sister and/or any chores she'd be asked to do around the house. She's a straight A student and I know school is easy for her, so I don't understand what's taking her so long to complete her assignments?
Comment By : NJ Mom
I like the ideas listed. It's hard with 2 working parents, and we don't necessarily get home at 5 or 6 every night. There are some nights we don't get home til 8pm. We are in very close contact with our boys' teachers (one boy is ADD and the other has Aspergers and ADHD). We're trying to figure a reward and consequence system.
Comment By : G
I agree with the above comments. My 8 year old, fully capable of doing the work, but streches it out throughout the whole night. When he finally does sit and do it, it gets done so quickly, I tell him"was that so hard?" I just dont understand WHY they make it such a battle. I sometimes think it is a power struggle. I have taken everything away. I stop "talking" and let him learn by his choices.
Comment By : KarenS
NJ Mom,
I used to take FOREVER to do my homework! I was also an excellent student. I just got distracted, let my mind wander, listened to the TV in the next room, etc. If I had dishes that night, I did them, but otherwise, there wasn't anything I HAD to do, so I didn't understand why it bugged my parents so much that I took a long time to do my homework. My taking a long time wasn't keeping them from anything, nor was it a way for me to avoid other responsibilities, so I saw no reason to hurry. If her dawdling isn't disrupting the household, is it really a problem?
Comment By : Jan in AZ
i just went through this with my 6th grader, saying homework done in study hall.i found out he wasn't doing it. he failed tests, just hated homework. this sunday i removed everything from his room,i left books bed, dresser. i locked everything up and told him if he brings his failing grades up to B average by christmas holidays, he would get them back. no tv no computer except for homework. i did all this in a matter of fact manner. no yelling. he's taking it rather well.but we'll see when dec comes.
Comment By : ohno
Jan, in answer to your question, yes it is a problem if children stretch out their homework. If the child gets good grades and can easily show you (do some problems quickly and easily) that they understand the subjects, then they should have some leniency to work in an unstructured way. But this doesn't mean that they should be allowed to stretch their homework out over the course of the night. Unfortunately in the US, quality family time is under attack on many fronts. Something that can be seen as beneficial, is actually robbing family of one of the activities that would help combat some of the behavioral problems their children are facing. Imagine your tween or teen is under constant barrage and pressure from other kids to conform, act out, disrupt, etc. When they get home (their haven from that) instead of being able to enjoy an encouraging time with their family, they are holed up in their room with a textbook. When necessary, they have to do it, but only when NECESSARY. If it happens every night, you effectively can go an entire week without having any real interaction or bonding with your own child! Instead of the reassurance from parents and siblings that they are valued, unique, and worth treasuring, they get the world's influence that they are worthless unless they match up to whatever is the current fad on TV. Second reason you don't want to do it is because of the lesson it teaches. Imagine you were an employer who gave an employee a simple job to do. Afterward, that employee takes his time and finishes just before you come back to check on him. Yes, they did do what you asked, but no one would describe that employee as having initiative, hard-working, diligent or proactive. Is that the kind of worker you want to train your child to be? Probably not.
Comment By : Blacklion
Just in time. We finished teacher-parents conference yesterday, and learned that my 5th grader got 15/15 on his science test, the only student in his class who got a 100%, but did not finish any assignment. So he got low score on his report card.
He is find with his daily homework, it is those assign for a week, and won't due until Friday or next Monday, he wants to wait until last minute to do it, but then forgot about it......
Comment By : DD
* Dear NJ Mom: You bring up a great point. If your child dawdles over homework time, be sure to give a specific "end time" for it to be completed. For example, if you feel your child is capable of completing her homework in 2 hours, tell her: "You have from 4 to 6 to complete your homework. When it's done, you can have access to your computer or the phone. If it's not done by 6, you will lose a privilege (either for that evening, or the following day, depending on the schedule of events in your household.) Remember, keep your consequences short-term, and focused on the behavior you’d like to see change.
Comment By : Megan Devine, Parental Support Line Advisor
I can see this working in a two parent home, even if both parents work. I'm a single mom, work 12 hour shifts, at night. My son doesn't done homework since 3rd grade, I think. Do I have the time to monitor him sitting at a desk at 4 pm? Sure, if I don't want to sleep before I go to work. Some of these things just don't work for REALLY defiant kids and single, working moms.
Comment By : Tired Single Working Mom
hi ohio, i certainly can relate to your frustration about being surprised with all failing grades. and i agree that action is necessary. yet i think you should consider the consequences and the ability to achieve a goal. i have done exactly what you have done, but it was when my son was using and dealing drugs and not responding to other consequences. with such an extreme consequence, what do you have left for more serious issues? also is it mathematically and reasonably possible for him to get all his grades up in the time period outlined? with my drug dealing son i gave back items slowly as they were earned, not all at the end, i think he needed the ongoing positive feedback. also the mandatory hour homework time eventually worked with him too. just something to think about
Comment By : thinking
I'm going to try this. Just had our ILP meeting with our 13 yr old adhd son's teachers. Found out he's failing reading simply because he has a daily reading log thats to be filled out & signed by us. Its worth almost 30 points a week. We knew nothing about it. I ask him every nite if he has homework & usually he doesn't, so he says. We will find out at parent teacher conference next week.
Comment By : 56kris
Any suggestions when there is a joint custody situation and the dad won't enforce any rules at all? It's almost impossible to get grades up when homework is only done half of the time.
Comment By : FishersINmom
* Dear FishersINmom: I have talked to many parents on the Parental Support Line who have the same problem that you describe. The good news is, even if your child doesn’t do homework at his father’s, you can still require that good homework skills happen in your home. You could also talk with your child about coming up with a plan to keep his grades up – for example: “I can’t make you do homework at your father’s, but you are expected to keep your grades up to at least a "B" average. You’ll do homework here, but what else can you do to keep your grades up?” Or, you might set a rule that the week’s homework needs to be completed by Friday evening, and your child will need to figure out how to accomplish that if he isn’t going to do it when he is at his father’s. Co-parenting can often be challenging. Good luck, and let us know how it goes.
Comment By : Megan Devine, Parental Support Line Advisor
My 16 year old son insists on doing all his homework at school the day it is due (in other classes, at lunch etc.) He hands it in 1/2 the time. I think friends are doing it for him or he might be coping it from them. I have made it clear that he must do the homework at home Mon thru Thurs in order to go out on Friday. He still does not comply and he leaves without permission on Friday night to go out. Help
Comment By : Karen
The advice given in this article is very sound! I am a single mother with two young children. I do not have problems with them doing their homework, but I started creating good study habits when they were very young. There is absolutely NO tv watching in my house during the weekdays, so there is nothing to distract them from their homework. I work late and hard, and it takes a significant sacrifice on my part. I work all day while they are at school, dedicate my full attention to them from 5-9pm for homework and family time, then I start working again until about midnight, sometimes later. Homework is not easy for kids are parents, but YOU as a parent must set the example of sacrifice. So yes, \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\"Tired Single Working Mom\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\"...you may have to miss your nap before you go to work. If you institute good study habits and rules when your children are young, you will not have as many probelms when they are older. Trying to institute rules when they are half-way out the door of your house...yes, they can afford to defy you for a couple years!
Comment By : Holding it Down as a Single Mom
My son just refuses to do the work at home or school. He says he doesn't care about the consequesnces please help.
Comment By : Denise
My 15 yr old teen (boy) has bad grades, roller coaster attitude, no friends, and no motivation. He could care less about money, tv, everything. I am at a loss of what to do next to movitate him. Just to give him one goal. There is no bribbing him.
Comment By : jellybean_mi08
This is for the NJ Mom who complains her daughter is an A student and stretches out her homework time. You are blessed, you are envied. She needs that peaceful time, she should not have to entertain her sister or do mandatory chores weeknights, that can be accomplished on the weekend. Consider yourself fortunate and give your daughter a break. You can only surmise she is stretching out her homework assignments and it very well may be she needs that extra time to "retain" her assignments.
Comment By : Susan from Seattle
Rewarding our kids with what they want, but is meaningless,-like computer games, cell phones,...- only makes them lazier. when they get rewarded with laziness, it only makes it harder for the children to get out of this state. instead, reward with something that is productive, like sports or hobbies, to get the kids out of their boredom. the kids don't want to do their homework, not only because it's hard, but there will be nothing to do afterward except be idle. rewards that are conducive promote are great treats and promote a good, long-lasting work ethic.
Comment By : educating mom
My 11 yr old girl will spend hours on homework... HOURS.. and then not hand it in! she is failing 6th grade and i am getting little help from the teachers. They are "making her responsible"... but this approach is leading her to fail for the year. I have taken everything away from her with the rewards given for each week she hands in her homework.... but yet.. she still will not hand it in. The teachers view me as though i am not giving her the homework attention she needs to complete the homework.. what they are not realizing is that she is completing the homework.. she's just not handing it in. How do you get through to a child... who thinks she knows everything??
Comment By : the mom who knows nothing
