“I’m not allowed to bring Ben to play group anymore,” said Sarah, whose son is now five years old. “The last time we went, he bit another boy who was playing with a truck Ben wanted. And the time before that, he hit a little girl across the face. I try to tell him 'no' but he just doesn’t listen, so I just end up apologizing for him. I’m starting to feel like the world’s worst parent because I can’t control him when he acts out.”
"It’s easy to respond to your child's aggression with yelling or anger, but remember, your child is looking to you for cues on how to control his impulses and have good behavior."
As parents, few situations are more difficult to deal with than having a child who is aggressive toward other children. It can be embarrassing as well as frightening when your child bites, hits, scratches or kicks to get his or her way. It’s not uncommon for younger children to engage in this type of behavior at various points in their development and in a variety of settings. However, when it becomes very frequent or seems to be their consistent way of reacting to something they don’t like, it’s time to step in and help them change their behavior. The first step is understanding the underlying reasons why your child is choosing to act out this way. The more you understand what’s happening, the better you’ll be able to help them find other, non-aggressive ways to solve their problems.
Initially, between the ages of 18 months to 2 years, children find it extremely hard to communicate their needs to their parents, caregivers, and other children. Negative behaviors are one way they may choose to get their point across. For older children between the ages of three and six, such behaviors may be the result of never having learned appropriate, non-aggressive ways of communicating when they were faced with a difficult situation. The cause of aggressive behaviors may be due to any or all of the following:
- Self-defense
- Being placed in a stressful situation
- Lack of routine
- Extreme frustration or anger
- Inadequate speech development
- Over-stimulation
- Exhaustion
- Lack of adult supervision
- Mirroring the aggressive behaviors of other children around them
One place to begin is to watch your child for cues to see if any of the situations described above brings about aggressive behavior. Learning as much as you can about the factors that trigger bad behavior is the best way to combat it when it occurs next time. Some questions you should ask yourself:
- Who does my child hit, bite or kick? Does he do it to one friend in particular? Does he only do it to me? Or does he tend to be aggressive with whomever he is with? If it’s one person in particular, try to find out if there’s a reason why he’s attacking that child such as engaging in overly aggressive play, a poor match of temperaments or a lack of clear cut rules before play begins.
- Also, what seems to cause your child to act out in an aggressive fashion? Is it triggered by frustration, anger, or excitement? Notice if there are patterns. Does he act this way when toys are involved, and he’s frustrated about sharing? Or does he become aggressive when there is too much going on and he’s over-stimulated? If you observe the situations carefully, you will likely notice patterns.
- Finally, how is his aggressiveness expressed? Is it through angry words or through angry behaviors? Does he become verbally aggressive first and then physically aggressive, or is his first response to strike out and hit?
By answering these questions, you are on your way to successfully limiting your child’s aggressive behavior in the future. In this article, I’ll outline some ways that you can help your child become more aware of his aggressive feelings and teach him to calm himself down, or find alternative ways to solve his problems. We’ll also talk about giving consequences to kids when they do lash out and hurt someone. In my experience, consequences are imperative to ending aggressive behavior in young children. They teach your child that all behaviors have a consequence, whether good or bad, and will help him make better choices in the future when he is with his friends. Once you’ve narrowed down the reasons why your child is behaving aggressively, it’s time to intervene.
Step in and Stop it Immediately
At the first sign that your child is about to become aggressive, immediately step in and remove him from the situation. Be careful not to give too much attention to your child so that you do not give any negative reinforcement for the bad behavior. Too much attention can include trying to “talk through” the problem. Young children are not able to hear long explanations of why their behavior was offensive. A simple yet firm statement such as, “We don’t bite” should suffice while you turn your attention to the victim. Other examples of too much attention include yelling at your child while attending to the victim, forcing your child to apologize immediately or continuing to talk to the other parents around you about how embarrassed or angry you are. Make a point of consoling the victim and ignoring the aggressor. If your child cannot calm down, remove him or her from the situation without getting angry yourself. When they are calm and ready to talk, you can discuss what happened. If it’s physically impossible to remove your child, you will have to remove yourself and the victim from the situation. By walking an age-appropriate distance away from your child after he has acted out, you are sending the message that you will attend to him when he can calm down. In doing so, you are teaching your child that it is his responsibility to learn to calm himself and act appropriately.
Lower Your Voice—Don’t Raise It
As parents, we need to show self-control and use gentle words if we want our kids to do the same. It’s easy to respond with yelling or anger, but remember, your child is looking to you for cues on how to control his impulses and have good behavior. While it can be terribly embarrassing to have a child that continues to act out towards their friends, keep in mind that their negative behavior is most likely happening because they are still navigating their way through their social circles. This can be very difficult for some kids, so try not to over-react or personalize it.
One technique that works very well for some children is to change the tone and volume of your voice. You can help your child stay calm by immediately lowering your voice when attending to the victim as well as to your child. If he is unable to calm down, before helping the victim, turn to him and say quietly, “I need you to calm down now. I am going to help Josh and when I am done I want you to be done screaming.” For some kids this will work, and when your child returns to you, calm and collected, feel free to quietly praise him, saying, “Thank you for calming yourself down. We don’t bite. It hurt Josh and he is sad.” Repeat the phrase “We don’t bite” and inform your child that if it happens again, the consequence is that you will leave. If this does not work for your child and he simply cannot calm down, leave him where he is (again, at an age-appropriate distance) and ignore the tantrum. Most young children will not continue to act out if they no longer have an audience.
Practice Ways to De-fuse your Child’s Anger
For younger kids, help them recognize their anger by stating, “I know you're mad, but we don’t hit. No hitting!” For children aged 3-7, talk about anger as an important feeling. You can practice ways to de-fuse your child's anger during calmer moments. You can say, “Sometimes I get angry too. When that happens, I say ‘I’m angry’ and I leave the room.” You can also teach your child how to count to ten until he is less angry, how to do deep breathing in order to calm down, or how to use his words by making statements such as “I am really, really angry right now!” All of these methods help take the immediate focus off of your child’s anger and teach them to recognize this important emotion. Before you enter into a potentially difficult social situation, review the consequences with your child about what will happen if he cannot control his anger. Tell your child, “I feel you can handle your anger, but if you can’t, we will have to leave the park and not come back until next week. Do you understand?” Make certain that you follow through with whatever consequences you pose to your child.
Teach Kids that Aggression is Wrong
It’s also important to talk to your children about aggression during a calm moment. In a steady voice, explain to your child that hitting, biting, kicking, and other aggressive behaviors are wrong. For younger children, those between 18 months and 2 years, keep it simple. Hold them and explain, “No hitting. It is wrong.” Remember that you may have to repeat this rule numerous times, using the same words, until your child gets it. Be firm and consistent each time your child becomes aggressive. Have a plan in place for consequences if aggressive behavior starts. At home, this can include a time-out chair away from the rest of the family where your child can stay until he can calm down. If you are away from home, pick a safe place, such as a time-out in a car seat or another place where your child is removed from the fun. This reinforces that you are not tolerating aggression in any form.
For older children, those between 3 and 7, remember that they may be experimenting with cause and effect. In other words, they want to see what you will do when they act out. It’s your job to provide the consequences for the "effect" to work. Since older children are more verbal, you can use a variety of phrases when they misbehave. Examples include, “Biting is not OK,” or “Hitting hurts others. You need to stop.” It is okay to tell your little biter/hitter/kicker that once he misbehaves, he’s lost a privilege for the day. Consequences can include leaving a play date immediately or losing video time.
Tell Your Child to “Use Your Words”
Many times kids who display aggressive behaviors simply lack the communication skills necessary to help them through a stressful situation. For a young child, biting or hitting someone is a whole lot easier! Plus, aggressive behaviors often give children a false sense of power over their peers. It’s up to you to work diligently with your child so that he or she can practice the art of diplomacy in a tough situation. Help your child find their voice when they feel like acting out. By explaining and then practicing using their words, you are helping them to trade off aggressive behavior in favor of more socially acceptable behavior. Some examples are:
- Teach your child to say “No!” to their peers instead of acting aggressively. Too often a child reacts negatively to a friend or sibling instead of asserting themselves. By using the simple word “no,” you are helping your child to get his point across verbally, not aggressively.
- Give your child a series of phrases to use with their friends when they are feeling angry or frustrated. Some examples are, “No, that’s mine,” “I don’t like that!” or “Stop! That hurts.” This helps your child substitute words for striking out.
Before you enter a situation that you know may cause your child to act aggressively (i.e., a play date or daycare) remind your child to “Use your words.” Repeat this to your child throughout the course of the week when you feel they are getting frustrated.
Recognize Your Child’s Limitations
This means knowing when to leave a potentially volatile situation or choosing to engage your child in a different activity to avoid aggressive confrontations. If you know that your child targets a particular child at play group, you may have to hold off going to play group for a few weeks until he learns to control himself. Or, if certain videos, games, or activities frustrate your child, remove them from your daily routine to see if this has a placating effect on your child’s behavior. Finally, if your child is exhausted, hungry, or over-stimulated, respect that and engage in low-key, slow-paced activities that will make aggression less likely. With your older, more verbal child, talk openly about situations that make him angry and work together to come up with solutions to help him through the problem next time.
Be Appreciative of their Efforts
When you catch your child being good, be sure to praise their hard work and efforts. For instance, if you observe your children in a power struggle over a toy that ends in them working it out peacefully with their friend, tell them how proud you are that they chose to use their words instead of resorting to aggression to get their way. Look for and continue to praise good behavior as a way to motivate your children to do better next time.
What Not to Do
- Never bite or hit back. It can be tempting to want to teach your child a lesson in how it feels to be the victim of aggression, but when you succumb to a childlike form of communication, you are teaching your child that aggression is the answer to resolving a conflict. Even though it’s difficult, try your best to maintain your composure.
- Do not expose your child to violent television or video games. Too often TV and videos portray the most violent character as the hero, which sends the message that violence is a means to an end for problem-solving. This message can easily be avoided if you are on top of their viewing habits. While TV or video violence may not affect some kids, it may greatly influence others who have a tendency to act out aggressively with their friends. By knowing your child’s temperament and what he or she can withstand, you are helping them on their way towards their best behavior possible.
- Do not personalize your child’s bad behavior. All too often parents get frustrated and angry at their child when they are aggressive, because many times we feel that our child’s poor behavior is a reflection of our parenting skills. If you have an aggressive child, switch your focus towards helping them express themselves in a more appropriate way and follow through when an incident occurs.
When Aggression is Extreme
While aggression can be normal in many children, you should be aware of when your child’s behavior has gone beyond the scope of what is considered within the normal boundaries for their developmental level. Look for the following signs in your child:
- A pattern of defiant, disobedient, or hostile behavior towards you or other authority figures such as teachers or day care providers. A pattern means behavior that is not fleeting, but is chronic and does not respond to the above interventions.
- Loses their temper easily
- Constantly argues with adults
- Deliberately engages in activities that knowingly annoy others
- Blames others
- Acts annoyed or is chronically touchy
- Exhibits ongoing anger
- Acts spiteful or vindictive
It is important to recognize that all young children may exhibit any or all of the above problems at some point during their development. However, if your child persistently displays these behaviors and it affects their daily functioning, such as their ability to behave at school or maintain friendships, contact your pediatrician, as it may indicate that they have other psychological problems that need attention. In this case, you will need to have your child evaluated by a mental health professional.
Parenting an aggressive child can be one of the greatest challenges you will face as you weave your way through the maze of his or her development. Even though it may seem like it at times, it’s not impossible to teach your child new and appropriate ways to interact with other children and the adults around them. The key is developing a clear, uncomplicated, consistent plan and following it in a composed manner. Remember: the best example of appropriate behavior is you, and your young child is watching.
I couldn't get the star voting thing to work for me but I wanted to give it five stars!!! Excellent article. Wish we had had that when our youngest son was in diapers. He's fifteen now and altho' we have been able to help him a lot, the information shared in this article would have saved us much confusion and frustration, mistakes and years of work!
Comment By : still learning
A great remainder for all of us too learn to calm ourselves and focus on the child rather than get frustrated living us powerless. GREAT! information. Bless you all.
Comment By : A grandmother raising her grandchild
I'm frustrated with my 7 yr old who's vocal, and acts out towards his parents, but then is a darling with our friends -- i want to clobber him.
to be reminded to maintain my composure when my kid is aggressing me is hard b/c sometimes it's just not realistic.
i'm tired of fighting with him and every time a see someone with a baby, i'm trying to figure out how my beautiful darling went from that to this...
Comment By : mommy dearest
I was concerned about a grand child and this helped understand the situation much better. I still do not understand why my granddaughter is scratching faces and pulling anyones hair but I now know how to handle it better. I didn't have these problems with my own children. Thank you for the information, I appreciate the time and thought to this web site.
Comment By : Grandmother Sue
My son has ADHD and ODD. I've recently purchased your program 'The Total Transformation' and is working wonders for my 5 yr old. This article helps by actually explaining in detail (quick and to the point) so I can use it right away. I read all of your articles and this is by far the best for me so far.
Thanks....A loving parent
Comment By : a loving parent
This was very helpful and reminded me to stop reacting to my son's negative behaviors and taking them personally. How can I expect him to control himself if I cannot control my own emotions? He is right when he says I have a double standard sometimes since I say I am an adult and adults have provileges that children don't. Is that wrong to say? Or is it ME not being accountable for my poor response?
My son and I would benefit from having additional strategies for teenagers with ADHD/ODD. Does it make sense to have written rules and consequences of breaking those rules (i.e., a negative reinforcement approach) in addition to the strategies outlined in this article? Or, does it make sense to have a supplemental positive reinforcement approach that rewards consistently good behavior (i.e., a points system similar to what's used in special needs schools for ADD/ADHD/ODD)?
Thank you so much for any additional guidance!
Comment By : Susan M.Y. in NJ
* Dear Mommie Dearest: You have a classic problem that is not uncommon for many parents: the child who behaves well in public but has less than desirable behavior at home! The first thing you need to immediately do is stop fighting with your child. I know this is hard, challenging and at times seems unrealistic, but you have to stop doing it. A child will fight with anyone who is willing to keep the argument up. Your job is to deflate the aggression as it begins and respond in a neutral tone, even if that means walking away from your little instigator. The way to begin this is to make a statement the next time your child begins fighting with you: "I love talking with you, but I will not talk to you at all when you use that tone with me. If you cannot stop, you need to sit by yourself". Pick a place in your house that your child will be isolated and explain to him when the aggression or sassy talk begins, if he cannot stop it, he is going to sit there until he can stop. Second, review the rules
of what you expect of him behaviorally. For instance, you can say, "I am making a list of things that are no longer allowed at our house. Let's go over them together". Then, create a list of all the behaviors you want to see end and write down what the consequences will be if they occur. At our house these include extra chores for name calling, video privileges lost for any aggression (hitting, shoving, etc.), and time-outs for anything that even resembles bullying. I would also strongly urge you to read up on ways to control your own anger when his aggression begins. Some examples are closing your eyes and counting to ten, walking in another room and sitting until you find yourself calmer, or learning ways to control what you say. This is not an easy task and I fully understand how difficult it can be to raise an aggressive child. However, remember that your child is looking to you to learn ways to be calm. You can help him do that! When you catch him acting nicely, either outside your home, with others, or with you, comment how well he is behaving. Saying something like: "I really like how you asked me for the milk with such a nice voice" or "I appreciate that you are listening to me when I tell you to pick up your toys". A little praise goes a long way with our kids. You obviously care about your child or you wouldn't be asking such good questions. Good luck!
PS I'd also like to recommend the following book: "Taming The Dragon in Your Child" by Meg Eastman and Sydney Craft Rozen.
Comment By : Dr. Joan Munson
Giving your child a script (e.g., 'Stop! I don't like that!) is a very helpful idea--better than just saying "use your words". However, the article addresses more what a parent can do when they are with their child--what do you do (besides teaching/reinforcing a script) when your child is away from you at school or camp? You cannot rely on other people to handle things they way you would, and it does get extremely frustrating to hear that your kid is the one doing the hitting. Things don't sink in so quickly when they're not properly reinforced--and too often the other people aren't on the same page as you are.
Comment By : midwest mom
* Dear Susan M.Y. in New York: I think it is perfectly okay for any parent to tell their child that they have certain privileges that their children do not have because they are adults. There are many examples of this in our culture, including driving, drinking alcohol, voting, etc. So yes, you can say to your son, "When you are an adult, you can do these things too." However, if you are talking about not being able to control your temper or are displaying other poor behavior and then using the excuse, "I can do this because I'm an adult," it's time to re-think this approach. All people living in a house should be displaying the best behavior they can and it is up to parents to model this for our children. If this is your issue, I recommend sitting down with your son and declaring a halt to all emotional melt-downs and put out a consequence for him as well as yourself if you find someone is heading towards a meltdown. I believe the approach of having written rules and consequences for breaking them is the best approach for handling poor behavior. If you want to have a positive behavior reinforcement chart, I think that is great too. Kids love having something to look forward to. Sounds like you are doing a great job--good luck!
Comment By : Dr. Joan Munson
I really appreciate this article because I am a 33 year old adult and I am still learning how to control my own emotions. I really expect more from my children than I do from myself. I am constantly praying for the strenght to not lose my temper and to be an example to my children as well as others.
Comment By : Nina
I see a lot of writings which reiterate the fact that my kids behaviors are normal and they are really good kids however I often wonder if I am not the craziest mom in the world bc my natural reaction is to to scream & yell and I allow them to make me crazy so many times a day. It is so good to hear that I am not alone in MY struggle to be good.
Comment By : Mom of 3 in Michigan
I have a 5 year old son who just started Pre-K. I thought everything was going fine until one day the principle called and said he has been acting out. We then started getting calls every other day or so to let us know that he is still being very rude and disrespectfull. He has been hitting and and spitting at the other kids and his teacher. I am so fustrated i just want to cry. I am amazed at how much this article describes him. I am just getting started in the Total Transformation Program but i am hopefull and i really believe this will help him! Thanks
Comment By : casey
* Dear Casey: It's frustrating when your child is acting out at school, especially when it’s just the beginning of his school career! Young children react to the stress of a new environment in different ways – some get shy, others bossy, and some, like your son, become aggressive. Working together, you can help him address the challenges he faces at school in more appropriate ways. The Total Transformation program will help you teach your child the skills he needs to behave appropriately with peers and teachers. As a Total Transformation customer, you have access to the Parental Support Line. Support line specialists can help you customize the tools in the program to your situation. You aren’t alone in this. If you haven’t already signed up for the Support Line, call the customer service phone number found in your program package. Good luck, and keep in touch!
Comment By : Megan Devine, Parental Support Line Advisor
My 4 year old daughter hits/pinches/scratches her younger sisters on a daily basis. This happens so fast that I usually have no warning and can not intervene before it is too late. She does it especially when she thinks I'm not watching. It usually occurs when they have a toy that she wants, but sometimes she does it for no reason whatsoever. She is supposed to start kindergarten in 5 months, and I am just scared to death that there will be problems. We have talked repeatedly about not hurting others, and she always has time-out when it happens. She agrees with me that she is doing wrong, but just is not able to control her impulses. I just don't know what to do when her behavior is so impulsive and illogical. Any help??
Comment By : Lori
* Dear Lori,
It is always disconcerting when our kids do things like hit/bite/hurt other kids, particularly their siblings! You are right in saying that it is impulsive and illogical —- to us adults. But bear in mind that for a 4-5 year old, it’s all in a day’s work of normal behavior. I have yet to meet a 4-5 year old that doesn’t act impulsively or do some illogical deeds now and again! That doesn’t mean, however, that your little hitter can get away with it. The time is ripe to nip this behavior in the bud before she gets to school.
First, when the two of you are engaged in a pleasant activity, like working on a puzzle together, begin the discussion of her bad behavior. You can say: “I noticed that sometimes you hurt your sister by hitting her. This is not something we do in our house and it’s going to stop. I want you to have a lot of friends when you get to school next year, and if you hit people that will be hard. Here’s what we’re going to do.” Then you can discuss what will happen if she shows aggressive behavior. One pitfall I would encourage you not to make is to engage your 4-year-old in a discussion about why she hits or try to understand her motivations for her aggression. As you noticed, hitting is illogical and I can’t think of many 4-year-olds who would be able to articulate why they are beating up on their sibling! It’s just an impulsive act that they find hard to control.
The next step is to lay down the law of what will happen when she hits. In our house, I have said to all 3 of my kids: “If you hit/bite/kick/scratch your brother/sister while playing, the toy automatically becomes theirs for the day and not only do you have to sit in time out, but you lose _______" (fill in the blank here, preferably something they enjoy. Examples can be a video, a play date, dessert, drawing with markers, etc.) The key then is to follow through with the consequence each and every time she acts out. She may beg, “Please, I won’t do it again! Please don’t take away my Polly Pockets!” Don’t budge. It will be hard to hear her crying and she will make a convincing argument that she won’t do it again, but you can then say, “Sorry, this is what happens when you hit. I’m sure next time you won’t hit because you know what will happen”. And then walk away from the situation.
It may take a few times, and she will most likely backslide, but at some point your little hitter will learn that the consequences for disruptive behavior are too great to risk hitting anymore. With maturation on her part and following through with consequences on your part, her aggressive behavior will eventually extinguish itself. Good luck!
Comment By : Dr. Joan
Great article! I have a 3 year old son who tends to act fairly well with us at home. When he does act out we immediately take him out of the situation and talk about what he did (ie hitting, pushing) was wrong. The problem is that he is becoming increasingly aggressive at school. When he doesn't get his way he will push over a chair, or, as of lately, hit another child to get the toy he wants, or even throw sand on another child in the sandbox if that child won't hand over the toy that my son wants. Initially the teachers thought that it was because he wasn't communicating effectively. But, I'm telling you from experience (my older son went through speech therapy), that I don't see it! I'm really at a loss. I am so nervous my son is going to be "that child" that the mom's don't want their kids to play with because he's too aggressive. What do I do?
Comment By : JED's Mom
I am so glad to read this article and know I am doing a good job raising my daughters 3 1/2 years and 10 months old. But, one of the hardest things I'm dealing with is when my older one will be playing so nice with her little sister and all of a sudden she'll feel the need to hit her or scratch or even head butt a little bit and I immediately put her in time-out for it and tell her why she's in time out and that we don't hurt people, also, today at the Zoo she was doing so well communicating with all the children talking about the animals all day until we all sat down at the bench to take a little break and all of a sudden, this one girl that was just walking past us, with an Adult and maybe 6 other girls, and she walked over to the girl and tried to hit her on the back and and missed but immediately she tried it again as the girl walked past and I took her back over to the bench and put her in a little time-out (before she tried to hit the girl again) and told her that we don't hurt people and if she did it again to someone else we were going to go straight home, but she did great the rest of the time.. so I'm just wondering it's been awhile now she's been trying to hurt her Sister and she still does it. I really hope it's just a phase and it will stop soon. But I don't understand why she just does it to her Sister and to the one inparticular girl that was just walking by?
Comment By : LoveMyGirls
I have 3 year old twins and we are consistant with just about every thing this article suggested, but one of our boys takes things beyond the normal biting, hiting, scratching, etc..(for example he asked if we were having rolls with dinner and I said no so he threw every toy he could find at whoever was near and then the next hour he continued to tantrum about it trying to hit, bite and scratch as I removed him from his siblings). If he doesn't get the answer he wants or see's something he wants he attacks. He also just walks past perfect strangers and hit them or for no reasons hits one of his family members as they walk past. This happens pretty much every day all day long. We have left the park, disneyland and other fun places due to his behavior. It's hard for his brother and sister when this happens. Some days with him are so exhausting I think what's it going to be like when he is 5 or 10.
Comment By : Momofthree
I have read all of the information above and I must say, Kudos to all of you. I am a father of two children ages 7 and 5, and it is my 5 year old who exhibits the same behavior. He was recently expelled from his daycare after his "3rd strike" with hitting one of his peers. His mother and I divorced almost 3 years ago, and since then there has been very little stability for them. I try to make it as routine as possible for them when they are with me, but, unfortunately, cannot control what happens when they are with her. They have been subjected to a brutal divorce, and their mother's acquiring male roommates shortly after our separation after my request that her roommate be female for their sakes. It is my opinion that this lack of stability has done most of the damage. I'm no angel by any means, but I am more stern and discipline the children when the moment calls for it, and even before reading this article, have implemented most of the techniques discussed. I do praise and reward the "good behavior" as best as I see fit. However, my 5 year old still acts out, I believe, because of the difference in parenting styles. I know that she tries to "bribe/reward" our son with expensive toys for good behavior, but all out yells and screams when he misbehaves. This has been the third daycare since the age of two that he has been expelled from for the so-called "behavior problems." She has sought a child psychologist but only attended a few sessions since, I believe, no immediate conclusion could be determined. The daycare he attended also has changed and rotated staff so that my child does not have one regular daycare person. Would this also contribute to his behavior? Now my ex has our youngest enrolled in a daycare that "deals with children with behavioral problems" for more than twice the rate as the previous. I don't believe he has "issues" so to speak, but am aware that his episodes are unwarranted. I don't feel another daycare is feasible, because they cannot care for and nurture him like his parents can. He has confided in me that he does not like his daycare, and I believe that also has attributed to his behavior. He is supposed to begin Kindergarten in September, but will not be going due to his mother's choice to enroll him in the daycare for behavioral issued children. I am at a point in my life where I can leave work early enough throughout the week to pick them up after school and still maintain my 40 hour schedule. Any advice on how to handle that? I know for a fact I can help him by providing him with the stability he needs to achieve his development. The children do show different patterns of behavior between both homes, specifically a improvement in their behavior when they are with me, at least that's what I notice and have been told by others who know us both. When my two children fight over a toy, I take it away from both of them and no one gets to play with it. Is that ok? I am frustrated because I have no control over what his mother does in his life, and feel I have to make up for her actions. Is there any advice on how to handle this?
Comment By : George
* Dear georgieboy30:
In large part, I think your post shows what many parents do when they’re dealing with a child who’s acting out—they try to figure out why the child is misbehaving. James Lehman is much more concerned with what rather than why. Meaning that if the child can’t solve the problem of anger for instance, we need to teach him the skills to handle that anger appropriately instead of focusing on why he’s angry. So from James Lehman’s perspective focusing on the why won’t help to change the behavior. It can be frustrating when there are differences in parenting styles and it can require a lot of communication to come to an agreement even on one small thing sometimes. It sounds like you understand that you can’t force your ex-wife to change or convince her to have different ideas about parenting. So you’re left with continuing to do the best you can as far as getting on the same page with your ex-wife and focusing on what the boys need from you specifically. You mentioned the boys having trouble sharing briefly and I’d like to include an article on how to help them get along better. I wish you well and let us know how you’re doing.
http://www.empoweringparents.com/Sibling-Rivalry-Good-Kid-vs.-Bad-Kid.php
Comment By : Tina Wakefield, Parental Support Line Advisor
My son was kicked out of his preschool yesterday for hitting kicking and biting kids and teachers. He is four, and very smart. He does not seem to feel remorse at the time, only later. My father had a violent temperment and committed suicide. I wanted to think my I could give my son something different than what I went through and I have but he has some real serious issues and I have tried everything to save him and I will continue to do that. The teacher there told me he was probably going to end up in jail, and that I should never give up. It's my kid, what do you think, that I think giving up is an option? I do not. I do not know what I will do it seems there are few who are on our side. They say they don't want him to slip through the cracks and then tell me they don't have the (whatever it is) to help me deal with him, "good luck" I've heard from grown ups who treat me like crap over my kid who I'm trying to help. I could just cry and lay down and never get up, but I am still searching for a way to save my son. He is only four and I need to save him. Does anyone actually want help me or just shake their head and tell me to get out, like the director did yesterday...they made me feel so bad and treated me quite badly as well. I fight an invisible fight to keep our spirits intact.
Comment By : walkerbetweenworlds
* First, let me say that you have my admiration for reaching out for help and for NOT giving up. Clearly you love your son enough to recognize that he needs help and you are doing a great job asking for it. Now it is time to reach out once more to a mental health professional and learn some tools to help your son get through this stage in his development. You should pick up your phone today and call your pediatrician to find out the best place to make an appointment with a counselor that specializes in child development. Most counselors have a sliding fee, meaning that if you are struggling financially they will still see you for a reduced rate.
I also want to assure you that while acting out at four and getting kicked out of preschool is serious, it does not seal your son's future as a criminal who will wind up in jail. That is an inappropriate and unhelpful thing to say to a parent who is searching for answers. There is no way for me to understand fully what your son's background is like or what his current behaviors are that are getting him into so much trouble. Your letter is a great way to start the process in helping him, but the problems you are experiencing need to be spelled out to a professional over a period of visits. I often tell parents that there are times to be concerned mildly about a child's problem and then there is the crisis mode. Getting kicked out of preschool and your own family history and current depression indicates to me that you are in crisis mode. You need to pick up the phone today and get started on getting both of you some help. This may seem time consuming to do, but you will benefit from getting help in the long run. You would also benefit from a parenting class in addition to therapy as a way to meet and talk to other families who are experiencing issues similar to yours. Talk to the therapist about this as well.
Parenting can be extremely frustrating and difficult. You are taking the first step though to helping your son and helping yourself get better. Good luck to you.
Comment By : Dr. Joan
I read this over an over again cause i am trying to find ways to deal with my 4 year old step son with the way he has been acting with me an his sisters. he gets mean to the point to were i want to leave an not come home. i get some tips from what i just read so i will try them an see if they help out at all with my son. right now i will try anything just to have some peace in my home.
Comment By : jessie
i am still having problem in handling a teenage girl who comes down to hitting and shouting back if somebody even moves her things. she is in orphanage since 9 years and refuses to cooperate with a counsellor.she is 16 now. not much of her background is known except her mothar cannot support her
Comment By : gunjan
* Gunjan:
James Lehman says, “Find where your child is at and coach them forward.” In other words, determine your child’s current capacities and set reasonable goals for improvement. Since you mention the child was in an orphanage until age 9, I assume you feel that this experience had some impact on her and could be related to her getting emotionally upset when her possessions are handled. It is good that you are working with a counselor to help her identify her “triggers”—the things that cause her to over-react emotionally. Perhaps touching her things is one of those emotional hot buttons. Share what you have observed with her counselor to see what he would recommend. And share the Total Transformation program with her counselor to see how the program can be incorporated in the counseling work. You can use the parenting roles discussed in Lesson 3. For example, you can use the Limit Setting role to state that hitting other people is never okay, the Problem Solving role to help her think of tools she could use when she gets upset, such as some deep breathing techniques or time alone. The next time she becomes upset, use the Coaching Role to challenge her to use those tools to calm herself.And call us here on the Support Line for encouragement and ideas for using James Lehman’s techniques.
Comment By : Carole Banks, Parental Support Line Advisor
