Don’t pick up that bar of soap yet! James Lehman, MSW has great advice for parents on what to do when their child has a foul mouth, from generalized cursing to verbal abuse.
You: “Why didn’t you do your homework?”
Your child: “I hate f------ school. I hate my f------ teacher.”
You: “Don’t talk to me like that!”
Your child: “Why not? You swear, too.”
Stop this scene right here. Your child is attempting to get you into a fight. When your child curses, above all, do not get into a power struggle over it with them. Parents should ignore the invitation to argue at this point and say, “We’re not talking about anything else. Why didn’t you do your homework? That’s my question. And you’re not going to use your cell phone until your homework is done.” Then turn around and walk away. Don’t debate it, don’t get into arguments. If your child says “I don't care,” you can say, “OK. If you don’t care, that’s all right. But you’re not using your cell until you get your homework done.” Don’t keep it going. Later, when your child calms down, give them a consequence for swearing. Each family should have a routine way of differentiating swearing from verbal abuse, and a different system for dealing with each behavior.
Let me be clear: If your child curses at you, what you need to understand is that they’re trying to hurt you, throw you off balance, or suck you into a fight. I believe that families should have clear rules about cursing. There shouldn’t be any discussion about it when it happens. And in my mind, there’s a difference between kids cursing in general or cursing at you or another family member, and calling you rude names. But either way, families need to establish rules around it. Often kids curse because they’re frustrated or angry about being asked to do something that’s hard for them or that they find boring, or maybe they’d rather be playing video games or hanging out with their friends. Understand that this is a way of solving the problem of being frustrated, but in a very immature way. In these instances, when things calm down, kids need to be taught that cursing doesn’t solve their problems—it adds to it. Because not only do they have their original problem, now they’ve got an extra consequence on top of that, whether they lose some of their allowance or they forfeit some video game time.
There’s No Excuse for Verbal Abuse
Parents need to establish a zero tolerance policy for verbal abuse in the home. Verbal abuse is differentiated from cursing because it is an attack on a person. Cursing is using an expletive when describing a situation or their own frustration. So in the opening example, that’s cursing: “I hate my f------ teacher.” If the child had said, “F--- you, Mom, it’s none of your business,” that’s verbal abuse. And there’s no excuse for abuse of any kind. When kids curse at their parents and siblings and call them names using sexualized terms, when this kind of attacking name-calling happens, this is verbal abuse, not just swearing. It is damaging, not just obnoxious. It has to be dealt with in the same way you’d deal with any kind of abusive behavior. When a child says, “You whore,” or “You faggot,” that’s damaging to your other children, and you’re responsible for protecting them from that kind of attack.
Make no bones about it: this behavior needs to be dealt with very strongly. If your child is grounded for 24 hours as part of the consequence and he happens to be involved in sports, make him miss practice for a day as part of the consequence of his actions. Don’t let anybody manipulate you by saying they “need to be there.” The most important thing here is that kids understand that there’s no excuse for abuse. I promise you as a parent, missing one day of practice is not the end of the world. What’s more important is not letting your child call you or his siblings those foul, foul names. If your child is not involved in sports, then have him lose his electronics for a few days. The best way to handle that is by saying, “You can’t have your phone back until you don’t call your sister those names for 24 hours.” If your child calls his sister a foul name again six hours later, it becomes 48 hours without the phone. And he has to go to his room and write a letter of apology. By the way, when I say letter, I mean a brief paragraph. And what the letter has to say is, “This is what I’ll do differently the next time I want to call you a name.” It should include an apology, but also, more importantly, he should make a commitment not to do it again.
For Younger Children
I believe it’s helpful if you don’t curse in front of your children if you expect your children not to curse in front of you. One thing we see very early on is that kids mimic parents by saying words they don’t understand. In that case, the best thing a parent can do with their younger children is calmly and pleasantly correct them, and try to teach them that what they’ve said is a bad word. The way I say it is, “It’s a bad word because people don’t like that word.” If your child says, “but you use that word,” you can say, “You tell me ‘no’ when I say it. Tell Mommy, too. Remind me that it’s a bad word.” And when they remind you, say you’re sorry and use a different word.
Establish a “No Swearing” Rule—and Make Everyone Pay the Consequences
For children who are older, an effective thing you can do as a family to curtail swearing is to establish a “Cursing Jar”. If anyone in your family curses, they have to put a quarter into the jar. If money isn’t readily available, a checkmark can go next to your child’s name, and every check might equal 10 minutes of an extra task or chore. Doing their regular chores shouldn’t be a consequence; you should give your child extra things to do. Look at it this way: if you make your child do the dishes because he cursed, and then you ask him to do them again on Thursday night, he’s going to ask, “Why? I didn’t do anything wrong.” He’ll feel like he’s being punished when all you want is for him to do his normal chores around the house. So it’s an extra chore you want to add on. I think the sooner you give them the consequence after they’ve cursed the better.
It’s also very effective to have an age-appropriate schedule and structure at night that lists how much time your kids can spend on video games, the computer, and watching TV. Say for example your child has an hour free time to play video games, but the way he gets that hour is by doing his homework first. If he curses, that extra chore you give him is done during that hour, and he loses part or all of his free time. That system should be in place, so later on when your child calms down and wants to deal with the issue because she wants her cell phone back, you can say, “You know the consequences for cursing and name-calling.” And they should get a different checkmark or extra chore for every time they curse.
What about Kids Who Swear at You under Their Breath?
Some kids swear passive aggressively, under their breath. But let’s face it, even if it’s under their breath, it’s the same thing, and you should give your child consequences for it. They may say, “I didn’t say anything. That’s not fair!”
You can come back with, “I’m sorry, but that’s what I heard you say. In the future, speak more loudly, or there will be consequences.” In other words, don’t let muttering curse words under his breath become a way for him to manipulate so that he doesn’t have to develop self-control.
Swearing is an issue at some time in all families. It’s one of the ways that frustration and anger are verbalized in our culture. Nonetheless, parents have to work very diligently on watching their language and being role models for their children, as well as holding their children accountable. Disrespect for authority is a major problem affecting children and adults today. It’s important to realize that children who know how to act respectfully and speak respectfully are better equipped to deal with the adult world than those who prefer to sound like thugs.
I have cursed at and around my family for years. Now, of course, my teen age children are cursing their mother and each other, and me behind my back. I stopped all my cursing 6 weeks ago, and am trying to never curse or swear around anybody again. I feel like a hypocrite consequencing any of my kids for cursing. Anyone have any suggestions that have worked for them?
Comment By : craig
i have never cursed at my four children ! but i have cursed around them and now my 8 year old daughter is having problems at school and we have noticed that when she gets in her outrage she is letting some words fly out her mouth that i did not even say or dont even know where she learned them from.
can anyone out there give some advice on how to break the language my child uses!
thank you
concerned mom
shannon
Comment By : shanangel_2004
Craig,
I applaud your recent turnaround in the language you use, it has been my experience that it will serve you well. In my house and in the raising of my girls, ages 22 & 8, the rule has been (since my oldest was 3yrs old): "If you hear Mommy say it, then you can say it". That one little rule has kept me accountable for almost 20 years. It has also proved to be beneficial for my girls, as well.
I've also applied this same rule to bad habits such as gossip and criticism: If you hear someone saying hurtful things about another person, put a halt to it: "I didn't hear her say it, I don't believe it and you should stop saying those things". These rules may not always be effective, however, in my little house it has been.
Good luck in your new endeavor to stop swearing, it is an admirable goal and your children will notice the difference and likely alter their language as well. It's very true that children mimick our actions regardless of what the rules may be. Finally, you are not a hypocrite if you are being a mindful example, with your halted use of curse words; your children will take note and hopefully change their language as well (at least in your presence).
Comment By : mfitts1229
My son is very verbally abusive to me. Just yesterday he told me to "f" off about 10 times when I would not let him take my phone charger out ot the house(he misplaced his and refused to look for it). He is 16, bigger than me, and refuses to abide by ANY consequences. I use his cell phone as a consequence for doing his school work and not being truant. As the parent support line stated, I can not attach too many things to the cell phone. I usually walk away and tell him he has to leave the house until he can control his anger.
I would like to know what you suggest for parents who have older children who refuse to abide by consequences and have very little that they value. There is absolutely no way my son would write a letter of apology! When told that he is grounded he tells me "whatever" and leaves. The article is good in theory but I really do not feel that it can be applied to most defiant children over the age of 14.
Comment By : deb
Craig,
I have been told that as long as a person is "walking in repentance" - as it seems you are - turning from your own swearing and trying to not swear yourself - you have every right to correct others who are doing wrong. Also, as a dad, you have every right to correct your kids on any and every issue, regardless of your own behavior - but it is proven that a person's "walk talks more than their talk talks", so there will be more power and effectiveness if you live what you teach. You're doing great. Excellent job giving up all your own swearing!! Don't feel like a hypocrite. You aren't one! :)
Comment By : sandy
My problem with my step children moved in . mystep son 14 try taking thing away and it does nothing because his comments is i have been icealated before no big deal. i put rules down and neither his mother or father back me up. i have a problem with him hitting the other kids ,running his mouth , talking back
Comment By : Dawn
deb, you have more power than you think. when pushed, i ended up taking everything my son had in his room, except 2 outfits of clothing, and locking it up and he had to earn everything back with good behavior. i have never seen that type of behavior (f-u walking out the door) from him again. i'm not suggesting that as a next step, i just want to illustrate to you there are more options than you are seeing.
Comment By : understanding
My issue with my son(age 5) falls more into the category of verbal abuse. He is constantly saying "you're stupid" to his 7 year old brother and to me. He does it when he's angry, but also in a taunting way just to get a reaction. My question is, how should this be handled? I am hesitant to react strongly when it is so clear that a strong reaction is exactly what he wants.
Comment By : kathy
My 7 year old hates me. He constantly verbally abuses me all the time. It's getting to me really bad. It's really bad when he comes back from his dad. He definetly is succeeding at hurting me and I just don't know what to do. I am very angry about it. Any suggesstions. I have 2 adhd boys 7 & 8 and a 3 year old daughter and it's very hard. I always feel as if I'm leaving my 3 year old out because I'm always dealing with something that my boys have decided to do or not do.
Comment By : single mom of 3
My children are both well behaved because I have employed the principles of empowering parents since they were very young. I lead by example and stick to their consequences for misbehaving. If my son (who is in junior high) were to storm out of the house after I grounded him. I would have a police officer waiting at the house to talk to him when he returned home.
My children do well in school because I have worked tirelessly to turn my family around after leaving their alcoholic father. I check in constantly at school and always reward them for their good grades and behavior, not with candy or things but with my words and attention. Neurofeedback has worked wonders on my son who was diagnosed with ADD.
Our home life is happy and stable now.
Comment By : mary
single mother of 3: i feel your pain. i have 4 year old and 9 year old. it seems that things go well for a while then its hell again. i've been trying the early bedtime for consequences...5 minutes for each mess up. they went to be last night at 7:30 and didn't get to sleep until 8:00. so that didn't go as planned but i told them for every minute past the bedtime they were up was one minute earlier for the next night. so tonight their bedtime is 7:00. Not looking forward to it, but i need them to know i am serious and nothing else has worked so far. they went from playing playstation every night to not at all during the week. now its the name calling each other stupid, my four year old is hitting the 9 year old....what a mess!
Comment By : stillhelms
Don't take it personally, single mom of three! Your 7 year old doesn't hate you! Chances are he's angry and he's taking it out on you. You need to remember, he's 7 and he lacks both the language and the problem solving skills to express his anger appropriately. If you continue to take his behavior personally, you'll not only lose the battle, but also the war. Separate the child from the behavior, establish a zero tolerance policy for abuse (abuse of all kinds) for everyone in the household and stand your ground. At first, it will feel like standing your ground is the most difficult thing you've ever done. Be tough, hang in there. You'll be amazed, in a very short period of time, things will start to change for the better.
Comment By : lived to tell the tale
Deb, I am having a similiar problem with my 17 year old son. His mouth is so fowl it would make a sailor blush. He is a great student, has a job, but not pleasent to be around, he worships his dad but openly says he hates me, dosn't even want to say hello and if I ask him to do something it is nagging. FU is very hurtful and it just makes me cry. I don't understand. I have recently taken away driving priveleges and his video games for a month. If he swears again at me it will be two. I feel terrible like I have lost my son.
Comment By : CeeMarie
In addition to our giving our 17 year old son consequences for his actions, I wonder if it would for him to read this article? Would it help him see the big picture and understand how he would be better off controling his behavior.
Comment By : The Andys
I have a 16 year that is rude, verbal abusive, smokes, just not a person you really want to talk to or hang with. Up to 2 years ago we were close, but now he is someone else, he pushes me to the point of tears and always tries to hurt me. I do not know where else to turn or how to handle the issues. I can honestly say that I do not like my child and that kills me.
Comment By : Dee
Lived to tell the tale.. any ideas on how not to take it personally? That seems to be what I struggle with. We go to counseling once a week. My counselor for my kids is great. My 7 year old has only been doing it for a month my older one alot longer. It's been 3 years since I left my ex for verbal/physical abuse and it took a long time to know it wasn't my fault. But it is so hard to be treated the way my kids act. Yes somedays are great but the bad days are bad.
Comment By : single mother of 3
I have a son who is 17 years old. In his earlier years I cursed and now I am practicing not to curse at all. There are days that I myself find it hard to control my words because he is so annoying at times, he goes to school and he has a preety good day. Then there are days that he gets frustated with his work and storms out the door. on top of that he balls his classwork or test sheet up and storms for the door calling his teacher a bitch. what can I do to stop this behavior out of my son before someone hurts him.
Comment By : deseperate mom
My son just turn 18 and he truly believes that he can do what ever he feels to do even curse any time he wants, I have talk to him and giving him consequences but he just don't get it. today was one of those days, he got upset because I took his phone and Ipod for coming home too late last night. he cursed and screamed. he left the house at 1:30pm and is 11:15pm now and still not back, I feel I'm loosing the battle. now I don't know what to do. any advise?
Comment By : Pily
We started a new consequence at our house that seems to be working well. If we catch you swearing, you have to right 10 vocabulary words of 3 syllables or more for each time you're caught, parents included (lead by example) I've had to write them a couple of times and now I watch what I say, and the kids seem to be tapering off as well. I heard about this consequence from a neighbor whose mother always told them "if those are the only words you can come up with, then you need to expand your vocabulary". We still have at least one person slip every week or so, but at least if they continue, their vocabulary should improve quite a bit.
Comment By : printref
My 17 yr old son curses in his music that he makes. Otherwise it's only with friends out of my hearing. He is being treated for ADHD and depression and recently changed from private church school to public charter high school dual credit college program.
He is passing his grades and getting college credit as a junior.
My husband says if he makes another song w/ cussing he will lock up his musical equipment (his passion) and he won't return it until my son leaves the house. My son's response was compliant but asked how much an apt. cost. My feeling is he may bolt. What's more important 10 years from now? His cussing or getting an AA degree while under our roof.
Please give advice
Comment By : pacific
I can really relate to a few of these posts. Up until about 2 years ago, my oldest on and I were very, very close. He participated in sport, did well in school and was basically just a wonderful kid. His dad had very little to do with his upbringing until that point. Then for whatever reason, they became the best of buds. This basically means he has no rules and no consequences and dad gets him whatever he wants. What does that make me? A F***ing B***h, and worse. Dad just stands there and listens and/or watches the attacks. I have lost him and cannot believe how sad that is. He quit all of his productive activities, gets horrible grades, hardly ever comes home (he is only 16), but had the best Ipod, state of the art computer and all the freedom he wants. It is worse being with a co-parent who encourages or allows this behavior than being on your own. I will never stop being verbally abused and he will not have a productive life as long as his dad allows and encourages it.
Comment By : Lost
Single Mom of 3 - I was raised in an environment where every time there was an upset, it was taken personally by one or both of my parents. Further, the upset was always reacted to, rather than responded to. Naturally, I brought this same approach to my parenting - with the expected disastrous results. Four years ago, I was in exactly the same place that you are in today. I dreaded hearing the sound of the school bus in the afternoon.
The most valuable tool that I found, or rather, that I was given to combat taking things personally, was the understanding of what an "upset" really is. First, I had to train my mind to recognize that when I am upset, it has everything to do with me, and nothing to do with what I perceive to have caused it. Second, distinguishing the true nature of an upset gave me the ability to take responsibility for my upset. I learned that an upset is nothing more than an unexpressed communication (something I wanted/needed to say and didn't), an unmet expectation (something I thought should have happened, and it didn't happen) or a thwarted intention (something I tried to do, and was prevented somehow from doing). Empowered by the realization of my responsibility for and the true nature of the upset, disempowering my monster’s (opps, I mean children’s) vicious attacks became easy.
Don’t get me wrong, I still feel hurt when Little Mr. Anthony (now 10) tells me “I hate you, I’m going to live with my dad!” Now, however, when I feel hurt or wounded, I catch it quick, there’s no chance for an upset to ensue. I’m quick to see that I am in charge of my emotions, that his telling me that he hates me is nothing than an unmet expectation. It’s my unmet expectation that I, the perfect parent, would raise the perfect child and he’d never say something hateful or hurtful to me. My definition of the perfect parent/perfect child is what has actually caused my upset, not my precious Anthony.
Now, I’m able to separate Anthony, from his behavior and not take what he’s said/done personally. Now I am able to respond, rather than react, using tools/tips from The Total Transformation, having a profound and positive impact on the situation. It’s not always easy, but each time you’re able to manage yourself, you’ll better manage the situation you’re confronted with and you’ll start seeing the results that you are desperately craving.
Hope this helps!
Comment By : lived to tell the tale
Lost..I totally hear what you are saying, my husband has been less than passive in the parenting of our 17 year old daughter. I do have a great kid but her mouth is horrible. Last weekend she told me to piss of bitch..when I lost it with her and ask her father to intervine he said..well she gets it from you..I told him we were not talking about me..we were talking about my daughters abuse toward me..and I proceeded to tell him he needed to MAN UP..and if he did not understand the fact that it was wrong for a daughter to cuss her mother he had MAN PROBLEMS>>Ive wanted to tell him things like that for years..its basically a little late for us and our daughter but the advice I can give you is to take your MAN for little education in respect. Kids are going to express themselves but abuse is wrong wrong wrong..
Comment By : Hairgal
Thank you Hairgal! It's nice to know I'm not completely alone. Funny but I've asked his dad to "man up" more than once. He just bends over and allows the 16 year old in the house to run everything. When I've asked him to intervine, his response is that "I shouldn't provoke him". I actually feel it is a form of child abuse to let you children to whatever they want "helter skelter". Although he does SAY that he is going to do things and tells my son that he is, but he rarely if ever follows through. Again, worse than never saying anything in the first place. Man, I am tired! Good luck in your home.
Comment By : Lost
My son is 17. He says he can swear if and when he wants to cause it is just a word. Funny thing is that I felt the same way at his age - difference is never would I have sworn around my parents - first off they would have lost it and secondly - I had too much respect for them to do it.
He is verbally abusive and out of control in his relationship to me. I am a single parent and his father has been out of the picture for a while and when he is it is actually worse. There are some huge issues between us and this is the area I have chosen to start with because I will no longer allow the abuse. So, I have taken the hard step and told him he cannot live here if he swears in my home. Sounds a bit extreme but when the swearing starts it all begins to excalate and before it ends there is furniture throwm around and holes in walls. Very extreme. I am doing my best to handle it and I ordered the program last week - not seen it yet and cannot wait to get some additional assistance. Maybe someone out there can give me a few monre hints. . . . .
Comment By : Col
Single mom of 3, Your 1st post mentioned that your son is particularly challenging when he comes back from his dad's. That has been my scenario for 14 years with a now 16 year old daughter. In fact, her stepmother was overheard telling her father after she swore that her father was not suppose to be hard on her because she was raised by me to be that way. My daughter hears these things in different ways all the time. I ahve heard them as well. I expect conflict esp. between a mother and teen daughter but this alienation is a nightmare. When she is mad at me, she calls him and her crying and he calls me back to threaten me with court and says it is time she lives full time with them. This makes my job 100 times harder. It happens much too often. The kids should not be in the middle. The battle is a hard one.
Comment By : Cindy in PA
My 13 year old grandchild lives with me. She is quite abusive, verbally. My boyfriend enables her by giving her whatever she wants whenever she wants and she blows up, swears at me alot and intimidates me. She is a very angry person and throws her weight wround because she can and because he backs her up and not me. I feel like a helpless victim in my own home and the stress of this all is taking a serious toll on my health. HELP!!!! What can be done about children with anger and rage problems?
Comment By : burnedoutgrandparent
I am reading all of the comments about older children because my 13 year old is heading down that same path. I also haven't seen anyone reply with advice for older kids? This worries me about my future with my son.
Comment By : trying to wait it out and parent wisely
a lot of questions posed here... are there going to be any answers from staff or just from other parents?
Comment By : tsong
Dear Tsong: Thank you for your question. While we unfortunately cannot answer every question that comes in to Empowering Parents, our staff does jump in and address concerns from time to time. We encourage parents to discuss their experiences and offer advice to each other as well.
Comment By : Elisabeth, EP Editor
* Dear Col:
I think you have chosen a good place to start. As you said, you recognize that when swearing begins, your son’s behavior escalates. James Lehman would absolutely agree with you that there is no excuse for abuse. This includes verbal abuse or being physically threatening by throwing furniture around. Your son argues with you that he can say whatever he wants to. That is true, but it does not mean that what he chooses to say does not have an impact. He can swear in school, or to a traffic cop, or to you, but will experience a consequence for that behavior. It’s always important to make a statement to him when he is abusive. It is stating a limit on the behavior you will tolerate -- even if you actually cannot stop him for choosing to do it. To say nothing can give the impression that it is okay to speak to you that way -- that you deserve it somehow. Make a clear statement when he swears at you, such as, “It’s not okay to speak to me that way.” Keep in touch with us and let us know what's happening as you start to use the program techniques.
Comment By : Carole Banks, Parental Support Line Advisor
Great to remember NOT to get sucked into arguments! Act don't Yak!
Comment By : Anonymous
My children used to say "I hate you" to me and in the beginning I allowed that to make me feel upset. I learned from someone to not let it get to me and I thought 'well that's great but how?'
What I did was to start telling them "you can hate me all you want but you MUST get to the back of the line as I am plenty sure that there are way more people ahead of you that hate me too."
This diffused the situation to the point of laughter from the kid who said it and usually elicited a comment such as "Who could hate you more than me right now?". I think back and said most likely I don't know... maybe Gramma for not letting you spend the night last week when you threw that tantrum, or maybe your teacher because I wouldn't let you go on that field trip with the school because you chose to not do your homework for a week. It all depends on whom I have angered this week because I refuse to let you do something for your xx behavior.
My children are now 12 and 14 (both having Aspergers syndrome) but I don't hear I hate you so much anymore because when they get angry they know what I am going to say. It never varies and I don't let it get to me because I know it just means I have done something right.
Comment By : frazzled mom of 5
My 15 year old behaves in many of the same ways that I am seeing posted here. He is verbally abusive and swears worse than a sailor. I have tried various consequences but nothig phases the kid. He has even taken it a step further and when the swearing isnt enough he shoves. We recently got into an argument. I told him in the past that if he ever got physical again he would pay the consequence with a judge. When he shoved I called the police and pressed charges. Once he was calm enough I just explained that we all have choices. He has is agency and I cant make choices for him. I told him he can make good choices to stay in school and not do drugs so he can go to college and make tons of money doing something he loves. Or he can make poor choices and break the law, drop out, do drugs and so on. I told him no one can face the consequences but him. I explained that i love him very much and it makes me sad when he makes the wrong choices. But I told him that his poor choices do not hurt me they hurt him. I told him when he is ready to make good choices I am here to support him in that. It probably doesnt sink in. At least that is how it feels. I guess we will see.
Comment By : aprilshrs
I am the mother of a (stepmother) daughter who receives no support from her husband against (ongoing for years) nasty verbal abuse from 16 yr old stepson (FU, worthless, get a divorce,etc.). It happens with every visit; it is getting worse with time. Happens in front of his father; he makes no attempt to stop it or apply discipline. My daughter is bipolar I...she will end up flying into a rage which of course is totally wrong & just feeds into the power this kid knows he has over her. In her own house, she if forced to retreat to her bedroom & stay there till he is gone...even if that means an overnight stay. I spend hours on the phone with her nearly every day so she can vent to someone. PLEASE, do you have any suggestions. I am desperate!
Comment By : Desperate!
